Ramallah

Warning: long read.

Background: my girlfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. Let's call her Abby. We never really stopped talking though, and we're basically dating without the title. We planned on getting back together once school started because we'd have more time to see each other.

Friday was my birthday and she threw me a surprise party at my friend's house. We were having fun until her friend called. She had an argument with an ex and he hit her and he refused to leave the house. She wanted Abby to go back home because she didn't want to be alone. Abby didn't want to leave me, so she decided that she would go home, pick up her friend, and bring her over so that she wouldn't have to be alone. I didn't hear from her again for the rest of the night. I called her twice, but there was no answer. I slept at my friend's house that night because Abby had brought me there and I didn't have a way home.

The next day I called her a few times but she never answered. I started to get a little worried because it didn't seem like her to leave me on my birthday and not call me to tell me why afterwards. Then I called again and her phone was busy, so she was obviously using it and was talking to someone. She didn't call me back that day either.

The next day (yesterday) I was starting to get worried so I decided to call one more time, and if she didn't answer, I would go to her house to check on her. Of course she didn't answer so I went over there. No one was home so I was going to leave a note on her door saying to call me. As I was writing the note, she pulled up. She seemed annoyed that I was there. I asked her why she hadn't called me and she said she was busy, and that she learned that her grandfather died on the night of my birthday after she left and she didn't feel like talking to anyone. She hadn't come back to the party because she had to go to her parents' house. Then she got mad at me for going to her house uninvited. I explained that I had called before I left but she didn't answer her phone, and that I only went because I was worried about her and wanted to check on her. I knew something was wrong because she would have called me otherwise. It's not like I was just dropping by to say hello; it was the only way to find out what was going on and to make sure that she was okay. I could tell that she was in a bad mood so I just left.

Now, am I wrong for being mad at her? I can understand that she was upset and she didn't feel like talking, but it would have taken less than a minute for her to call and explain what happened, and say "I'm sorry but I don't feel like talking, I'll call you later." And anyway, there were three separate occasions where I called and her phone was busy; after I got a busy signal the first time, I called back ten minutes or so later and it was still busy, so either she was still talking to the same person or she was talking to someone else; either way she didn't seem to have that much of an aversion to talking on the phone. She can't say that she was busy because she had a day and a half to call me, not counting the night of my birthday. I have a hard time believing that she couldn't find one spare minute in a day and a half. And her getting mad at me for going over is complete bullshit, as I've explained already. If she had called me and told me what was going on, I wouldn't have felt obligated to go over there and check on her.

What gets me most is that if I did this to her, she'd go batshit. She'd claim that I don't love her and get moody for a few days and refuse to talk about it.

I'm mad at her no matter what and I'm going to talk to her about it, but I'm wondering what other people think of the situation.

skinnymofo

everyone deals with loss different.
a friend being hit by an ex and a family member dying in the same night is a lot of shit to deal with.
Maybe she didnt feel like talking to you?

all that said. You did no wrong in my book.
i might be a little annoyed at her if i was in your situation but not much seeing as all that happened.
and if you want to be real nice about it, you could send her flowers.

radioguy

good call, that would show her that you do feel for her situation but it could also double as a "i'm sorry if i over-reacted" without actually having to say it.

i don't see anything wrong with what you did. there's always time for a phone call.

ngdawg

Why should he apologize for caring? She should apologize for not being considerate enough for two minutes to tell the guy that is supposedly the boyfriend that her grandfather passed away.
Soon as I read through this, I thought, "there's a girl who acts like she just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar"....
No flowers...if you want to patch things up, talk without accusing. If you can't use voices, email or something.

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amonkie

Rammallah - it sounds like you feel like a hurt boyfriend... yet you guys were not back together? Honestly, when stressful things come up, normal courtesy responses most often go out the window. While you may be sincere in your worry for her, it is apparent you two are not on the same page about an appropriate level of communication and accountability towards the other. To me, it seems like you have been put back on the Friend burner, and she has chosen to focus her attention with other people during this time.

My reccomendation would be to give her space - you've let her know you're concerned, and the ball is now in her court. If she wants to involve you, she will contact you. If she does not, you need to go on and not sit around waiting for something that she is obviously not interested in at the moment.

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Ramallah

Maybe some background info would make things more clear. Shortly before we broke up, I decided that I needed to have an important conversation with her. I had given it a lot of thought and I truly believed that it was for the best that we have this conversation. When we first started talking, we agreed that neither of us wanted anything serious. A few months after we had been going out, I still felt the same way and I was beginning to feel that things were getting more serious. I decided to tell her how I felt and that I hoped she still felt the same way too. She interpreted it in a very different way. I was just saying that I was scared of something serious because I'm in my early 20s, and settling down is scary to me; she took it as me saying that I thought she wasn't good enough for a serious relationship. Things got rocky between us after that; she started to withdraw out of fear of being hurt. We broke up soon after and later she told me how much it hurt her when we had that conversation. I explained to her that I can understand how she felt but that she took it the wrong way and that I didn't mean that she wasn't good enough. Soon after, I realized that I had made a mistake by telling her that I didn't want anything serious. And ever since then, I've been trying to convince her that I really do want to be with her. I do believe that she still loves me and wants to be with me because she tells me so. When she gets a day off of work, she wants to spend it with me, and she did throw a surprise birthday party for me. She was going to sleep at my house the night of my birthday and hinted that she had a "surprise" for me that night. If she only considers me a "friend" right now, then I'm a pretty close friend.

I am giving her space right now. She called me a little while ago and said that she was going to her parents' house. I asked her how she was doing and she said that she didn't feel like talking about it, so I told her to call me when she felt like talking, and I'm not going to try to get in touch with her until then.

radioguy

i'm not saying to apologize for caring, because you are right, there is no need to. i was just implying that she might view it that way without him having to say it, so the flowers might be a good idea.

don't call her ramallah. give her the time to contact you.

skinnymofo

i dont mean to threadjack here ramallah, but looking at the posts so far, its so easy to tell the different between how a man would handle this situation and a woman.
maybe we are too simple of creatures?

Johnny Rotten

If that's really how you felt, then you shouldn't feel guilty about saying so. There's nothing rude about telling someone you don't want to get serious. Most people are actually appreciative. This girl has you all twisted around and second-guessing yourself, and that's no good. And she sounds a little immature and unpredictable, to boot.

You cannot hold yourself responsible for someone else's reaction to a clear and reasonable statement (that you did not want to get serious). I had a roommate who would get personally offended if I absent-mindedly left a bag of chips on the kitchen counter, no matter how many times I patiently explained that sometimes I forget to put the bag back. Some people are also easily offended, and others find their bearings in life according to who they're in conflict with and to what degree.

Most girls see a relationship as a series of potential stepping stones towards marriage, in my experience. Meanwhile, a guy might just want a companion of the opposite sex with exclusive priveleges. To explain this division is to delve into psychology and philosophy, so I'll just say that the definition of "commitment" usually differs according to which gender is being asked to define it; for a guy, he can love the shit out of a girl but not want to marry... and a woman might not be able to achieve that level of affection until the man has committed to marriage.

That's usually why we don't get along

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Ramallah

It's not so much that I feel guilty for saying it as for the fact that it hurt her and made her wary of trusting me. I do think that she blew it out of proportion though, just as she's doing with the current situation, and that makes me wonder about the future. And I do agree that she has me really messed up. But I've never felt this way about anyone before and I'm very frightened of losing her.

I do know that I definitely won't apologize for going to check on her though. There is no good reason for her to be mad at me for caring about her, and I'm going to let her know that next time we get a chance to have a serious talk. In fact, if I hadn't gone to check on her, she'd probably get mad at me for not being worried about her. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

kangaeru

That's women in a nutshell dude. Just let it blow over and they'll come around on their own.

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mandy

sure some people have different ways of dealing with grief but its just common decency to at least let your "partner" know whats happening.i would die of worry if my bf just left me at a party and not call the next day or the next or the next.that was totally inconsiderate of her.and yes i feel that you have every right to be mad at her and you are not the one who needs to apologise.

sure she might feel that you croosed the line by coming to her house uninvited...but isnt that what couples or supposed couples are suppose to do???

in my opinion ...she was way outta line.

Xazy

I have known many different people to act to loss in different ways. Some completely shut down, get depressed, others try to get busy, others just want all their friends there to help them cope etc...

Sorry with a loss, I find it hard to judge anyone wrong. You being close to her, feel hurt, about being shut out which I feel is right, you just have to understand the circumstances. I would send something over for condolences that says you are there as a friend, if she needs you.

2sheds

maybe i'm just the paranoid type, but if a friend of mine (male or female) left to help extricate someone else from a potentially violent situation (you said her boyfriend hit her, correct?) i wouldn't have been able to wait a couple of *hours* let alone a couple of *days* without hearing from them. for that matter, i like to think i wouldn't have let her go by herself.

hopefully once her world settles down, she'll realize that you were just worried about her.

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Jinn

I've come to realize that in relationships, relying on your gut feeling and being honest are really the only viable, plausible, effective methods. That said, in this situation, your gut feeling is dead on. She's acting like a spoiled girl who reacts violently and overtly when challenged. Some people back down when they're challenged, some attempt to compromise, and some act out their shame in anger or otherwise irrational emotions. I'd tend to believe that she feels bad for not calling you, and rather than apologizing -- she made it your fault. I've known a few people like this, some members of my own family, and it's rather bothersome. Letting them "have their space" generally never worked either, because they do not feel remorse -- they believe their anger/outburst was justified. (They think YOU should come apologize).

Usually, I'd just chalk it up to experience and walk away, and thats what I'd personally recommend you do. You acted like a mature, caring, responsible adult, and she acted like an immature, uncaring, and irresponsible "girl". You let her have her time, and her space. You gave her days, and you even went by to check on HER health and safety (a rather altruistic deed). She left you on your birthday with no ride home, didn't communicate with you for days, and then got ANGRY when you went to see if she was alright. Common sense makes this blantly obvious. You were right, she was wrong. If she wants to come apologize, fine.. but don't expect it or ask for it -- you'll get another overtly angry response.

If in a week or so you still have "tender feelings" for her, call her up and ask how her life is. How's school? How are you? How's life.. don't ask for an apology, dont apologize -- just converse. If she's as immature as I'd tend to believe from your story, she won't have gotten over your percieved "bad behavior" and will still be resentful/angry. If she's incapable of being mature on even that level, then I don't think she's worth having a mature relationship with, Ramallah.

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Ramallah

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

I think I agree with you here. When I get mad at her for something, she always finds a way to turn it around and get mad at me, thereby making me the antagonist and taking the heat off herself. Example: she goes out with her friends and tells me that she'll call me later that night. She doesn't call me back, and I don't call her because she's supposed to be the one calling me. The next day we talk and I say "Why didn't you call me back? I was worried about you." She says "If you were so worried, why didn't you call to check on me?" And suddenly I'm the bad guy. (Last time she did this, I called her on it and she hasn't tried it since.)

All I can do now is wait until she calls. I'm still angry with her, but I sympathize with her situation, and when we do get a chance to talk about it I'll let her know that it upset me and hopefully we can work through this.

Xazy

Sounds like a passive-aggressive personality.

BCD

There's not much to add here, but I would suggest that - if you haven't already - you confirm that her grandfather really did pass away that evening (search the obituaries in the online version of the local paper). Seems the dead grandparent excuse is a common one, and what are the chances that on the same evening you put on a surprise party for someone you get called away by your friend who was just assaulted and your grandparent dies unexpectedly? Either something else is going on and she's not being honest with you OR she has the worst luck in the world.

tooth

+1

She doesn't seem to be behaving like someone who is trustworthy. Or, her world just imploded on her, and she doesn't want you to comfort her.

Either way, she doen't seem like someone who is interested in having a serious relationship with you.