nack104

Alright, so I one of my biggest weaknesses is dealing with relationships. I admit it, so please just bare with me. I have a new problem that I need to deal with, and I would just like to hear your opinion. Maybe just getting this all out will ease my mind.

So here's the whole story. The girl contacted me two months while we were at college because she was curious. Since I had been so used to jumping into relationships, I brought up the idea to her 3 weeks into meeting her. She became very scared because she had horrible experiences in the past. She told me she wants to be my GF but he head and heart are in conflict. She said she wants to take things slowly, and I agreed with that solution.

So now for 2 months we've been dating, and I like her a lot. In fact, that's the whole problem, I think. Overall, she is very standoffish towards me. We kiss goodbye; when we're alone she can be affectionate; and she always talks to me online. However, in public she treats me like nothing more than a friend. Also, online she isn't affectionate at all usually. To be honest, if I didn't know any better I'd say she was just having fun instead of looking for a relationship.

Last week after drinking, I told her how I am falling for her, and that scares me because I'm trying to respect her need to go slowly. I told her I just like her a lot and hope she feels the same way. She told me she still likes me a lot (which I believe), but she said her brain is telling her that she has felt like this before, and shit happened. So she's still confused, but she still likes me.

My honest opinion is that she is confused because of what's happened in the past, and because of that she just wants to have fun and not too involved right now.

My problem is that I am really falling for her hard, and I'm scared because I'm moving faster than she is. She seems to just treat me as a guy she's dating and having fun with, and I'm looking to have a serious relationship with her. I'm unsure if I'm just being impatient and inconsiderate of her feelings, but what I am sure of is that her lack of affection is starting to hurt me badly. She doesn't seem to really care whether we hang out or not, that's just the type of girl she is. If she had nothing to do, she would call me, but she doesn't really LONG for me to be with her, you know?

I'm scared to bring this up with her because I don't want to push her away, but I don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm considering just breaking up with her in my head and meeting new people; then when she's ready I will be there for her. But it just hurts because I don't know how to approach this. Maybe I'm just being really impatient; maybe I need to forget her, I don't know!

This just hurts a lot, and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate to bring this up again after I had done it the other night after drinking, because then it'll seem like I won't wait for her.

But I don't know how long I can wait.. it's possible that while she isn't using me, she doesn't realize that her waddling around and having fun is tearing me up inside. I don't think this is very fair for me whether no matter what she's feeling. If she really likes me and is just confused about what to do, it's still unfair to leave me hanging like this.

I appreciate all comments. I've heard several already from "You need to forget her" to "you can't push her, you need to take it slow" to "you need to not get so attached." Ugh, please someone help me out.

Sweetpea

Relax. And let things happen.

and Communicate to her how you feel.

What you have to say and what you're feeling is important . . . if she doesn't think it is . . . then you need to move on and find someone who's going to love you the way you deserve.

also . . . what is stopping you from dating other people? If you're not in a bf/gf relationship, then make it more relaxed, go out, date other people . . .

bottom line: You're worth more than what this young woman is giving you . . . you deserve better. have fun and care about her . . . but my adivce would be to continue looking for the girl who's going to give you what you are looking for.

Sweetpea

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nack104

Thanks. I agree with what you say, and I also think I need to be aware of what she wants. I remember when we were at the party last weekend she yelled at someone on the phone saying "I do not have a boyfriend!". Either she is super scared about the idea, or she just isn't looking for one right now. I need to find out tomorrow which is the case. If she just wants to have fun and not have a boyfriend, then I need to go have fun too.

settie

It sounds to me like she is not ready for a steady relationship with you. She has feelings, but there seems to be no desire to make it anything more than what it already is. And after 2 months, I would expect something more steady to come from dating. I think its time to go have fun nack104, and get her off of your mind, cause it sounds to me like she is just looking for fun and not a boyfriend. The sooner you do it, the better.

Lead543

She needs to get over her fear and either jump in or give up the realtionship. Who DOESN'T feel scared getting into a relationship? Anyone whose been hurt before has a fear of making themselves vunderable to another. It's ironic how she is so scared of getting herself hurt and in turn is hurting you.

Sit her down and tell her straight out how you feel and what her behaviour is doing to you. If she doesn't change, move on, you can do better and you deserve better. Never settle for someone who sacrifices your emotional well being for their own.

tooth

Sounds like you have answered your own question


If she doen't want to be in a real relationship, it's time to move on. By hanging around, waiting for her to make up her mind, you are only building yourself up for bigger heartache.

nack104

Then here's the burning question. Do I bring this up and make it seem like I'm pushing, or do I accept what I already know and just ease off her? Then when she's ready she will come back to me? Hmmmmm...

Vincentt

Am I the only one that doesn't buy the "not looking for relationship" thing.

I mean, you are looking for a relationship.

I think the excuse she is giving you is just that, an excuse.

She doesn't want to dumb you and burn bridging, but she is biding her time.

I don't buy the 'horrid things in the past', I think she is playing you.
I don't mean she is screwing some guys on the side or anything, she might have other guys like you, but I even doubt that.

She is looking at her options, she doesn't want to throw you out, and she has fun with you. But... I have a feeling that she has put you in the friend zone, while see looks for something 'better.'

Sorry if I am off base, of course I don't know the entire story, only what you told. But this is how I see it.

I would say, keep your eyes open for another girl. If you are having fun, meeting a new girl.. It makes you 'better' to the first girl. And maybe you will even like no.2 better.

For whatever reason, the 'friend' girls always want to talk about being more then friends, when you are seeing someone else. I guess there is something to say about competition.

Anyway, when I and my friends (girls / guys) use "not looking for a relationship" we mean "not looking for a relationship (with you)."

But, we often mean 'sex is okay, as long as you don't get mad if I leave you for someone 'better' soon."

So maybe you should check, maybe she is willing but you are missing out.

It isn't all that uncommon to hang out like friends at the mall or whatever, then go home a have sex. Just both saying "this isn't serious."

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Martian

The real issue seems to be that she's hurting you and doesn't realize it. She's keeping you in a 'holding pattern' of sorts, going out and dating together but not getting into a relationship. You need to let her know how much pain this is causing you, because she doesn't seem to right now and isn't going to have an epiphany and pull it out of thin air one day. The only way she'll know is if you tell her.

Sit her down and have a frank discussion with her. Try not to be too aggresive or accusatory, but tell her that it's really beginning to hurt you that she doesn't want to make a commitment. Be open, be willing to compromise and if things just aren't going to work be willing to walk away too. You two may just be looking for different things and if you aren't able to give those things to each other, it may be time to find someone who can. I'm not saying to give up, it sounds like you really care about this girl and I really hope you can work this out; but don't just wait in the wings for her if she's not ready to get into a relationship either. It may be best for both of you if you just move on.

Vincentt

I don’t know if it is a great idea to tell her how much it hurts you.
I think you might look needy or desperate.

Of course for a super healthy relationship, where everyone is mature and could be long term etc… talking works wonders and being honest is great.

But, as much as it sucks, for the rest… you have you play ‘the game’
And this girl doesn’t sound mature, I don’t think what you’re after is a wife here. So I’ll keep my advice on “playing the game.”

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tooth

If you take her at face value, then you should tell her. Maybe she feels the same way, but really is scared of calling your relationship what it is, A RELATIONSHIP.

If you think she's playing games, then either play along for some fun(but don't get attached!), or move on to finding someone else who doesn't play games.

nack104

We talked for like 4 hours tonight. She just doesn't know what she wants right now. She really likes me, but past experiences and her inability to trust herself in a relationship are the reasons for being scared. We agreed to keep dating, but I'm definitely going to lighten up on the situation. I'll loosen up and will keep my options open.

william

Move on. She doesn't want you for anything more, so face it.

nack104

So now I'm at the stage where I'm telling myself the girl is pure evil. I removed her from AIM (yet I still check her status every now and then), and I'm trying to be as curt to her as possible online. It's so frustrating when this girl doesn't seem to show any reaction to any of this shit I'm doing. I really need to get away from here and meet someone else, but that can't happen for two months. I'm afraid I may end up back in the hospital if I don't figure something out SOON. I can't believe I let myself get wrapped up in a girl like this. It's the worst combination too, the nice girl who grew up in a bad lifestyle. So now I see the good person inside, but all I'm getting is the bullshit. God damnit, I need some help badly, and soon.

Vincentt

Hospital again? That sounds a bit crazy man.

I'm going to say, the nice girl who grew up in a bad lifestyle... that is like the 'nice guy' inside the asshole.

It is a good story.

If you are getting bullshit, that is what she wants to give you. Maybe if she dated a nice guy it would be great, he would care for her etc... but not all girls want that.

Well, they say they want it, but their actions are diffrent.

Whatever is happening here... if it is this rocky now, it just isn't going to get healed into any kind of good relationship.

Also, I don't think you're going to get far on the 'online' stuff.

I don't think i'm alone when I hear, "when we talk on aim, it is so nice", I sigh a bit. You shouldn't be talking more online, then in real life.

Things don't translate correctly through IM.

I have to say, drop her, and move on. Just pick a new girl from a hat, or spend some time alone. You don't need to always be going out with someone, or even be interseted in someone. If you do, you might be a little dependent, that that is a turn off.

I think most of these type of problems can be solved by going to a gym to work out your feelings. The nice side effect is getting in shape.

BTW, I still think she is dating/non-relationship-screwing other guys. you found your self in the friend zone.

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nack104

Alright, so I've backed off the girl for a good week, and I had a little incident with another girl (read my other topic about a new story), so that helped take my mind off the other. Last night, the first girl called trying to hang out with me, and I was very iffy about it saying I had stuff to do, but maybe later on during the night. She called me late saying how she went over to her friend's house, and she's upset cause she really wanted hang out with me. So I said, "yeah I did too, let's do something next week." She was very enthusiastic about the idea, which surprises me. In the two months of dating, she hasn't been that excited to see me since the first week. I think this whole making her come to me game is starting to work.

tooth

But, to what end??? What do you expect to get out of this?

She says she just wants to be friends. You say that you want to be more. By backing off and waiting for her, you are doing what she wants, which is just chill and be friends. You're right back where you started. Is that what you want?

Prince

Sometimes we want what we cannot have. Some girls have more desire for guys who treat them like shit.

I encourage you, however, to not be that guy, and stop playing juvenile mind games.

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kangaeru

You need to not be so transparent about what you want. It's a game, man. You can't show all of your cards.

At this point, after what you have done, I would feign your interest falling off. Don't be looking for anything too serious...let her dictate. At least that way you're not falling over her every word and love sick and this and that over her. That's exactly how she wants you--that's her game. Once a guy get's like that, they're broken in, and the girl will move on.

Any girl who is NOT playing games would take a guy like you, who has said the things you said, and been like YES FINALLY LETS GO OUT OMG! But she's not, she's playing mind games. You've got the control man. Just realize much better girls are out there, and she is expendable, and rejection from her means nothing more than rejection from someone thousands of miles away you've never met before.

Keep this in perspective...you're more than this, you've got a future beyond this with or without her...probably with someone better. I would stop showing so much interest in her and see what happens if she thinks you're not dying to be with her anymore.

Just don't be afraid to walk away from this.

nack104

Here's the deal now. After my incident with the other girl last week, I really don't have feelings for the first girl anymore. Now, while I am a very good guy, and I am not the type to use girls or abuse them, I don't really care about that right now. This girl did a very immature and disrespectful thing to me and my feelings, and she doesn't really seem to care that much. Because of that, I'm going to play the games, but we're going to play on MY level.

First of all, I should make it clear that I understand this sounds immature and a waste of my time and hers, but that doesn't matter. This is the summer, I have nothing better to do, and I'm going to enjoy this.

The past week, I've been pretty much avoiding her. I never call her, I don't always pick up when she calls, I'm extremely curt towards her on the phone and online, and I haven't asked her to do anything. What has the gotten me? That has gotten me more frequent calls from her, and she's being nicer to me online. However, I'm not going to budge. In fact, I'm going to get worse. From now on I will hardly be nice online, I will never ask her to do anything, and I will simply pretend I never knew her.

I can tell that she likes me a lot, but she just doesn't want a relationship right now. Therefore, I'm willing to see just how much she likes me. I will not bend because honestly, I don't feel like hanging out with her anymore. I have lost a lot of respect for her, she is surrounded by pot head idiot friends, and how can you have a lot in common with someone who has no other interest than partying?

Like I said, this probably sounds immature and sick on my part, but I dont' care. I am in control of the strings, and I'm gonna see just how far I can pull them. I'm going to enjoy this a lot.

Do I see any positive coming out of this? Not really. But I will have fun knowing she is gonna get what she paid for. She has already started and will continue to see what it's like to hang out with all of her idiot friends instead of me. It'll be almost like a "It's a Wonderful Life" kinda thing where she realizes what it's like without the nice guy she's met. If it doesn't really make a difference to her, then I have no problem blocking her forever. I can not see myself being friends with a loser like her.

kangaeru

Nack,

Nice man. Nice. You are on the right track. You need to walk the fine line of not being an asshole, though. It sounds like what you are doing now is good...not calling her...not picking up all of her calls, etc. The key to this game is to make her think you're not interested in her that much. Not interested to the point that you won't go out of your way to contact her or talk to her or whatever...she has to come to you. Which she will, and has. You don't want to piss her off though--don't be too curt, don't be too mean. When she calls, you want to be flirty, pleasant, but you don't want to say too much. You don't want to talk for more than 5 minutes on the phone. If you tell an anecdote, make it about something that she would have liked to have done-- IF SHE HAD BEEN THERE, OR YOU HAD INVITED HER

You've got her right where you want her. Here is where you must be patient, bite your tongue, and reap your rewards. Do not drive her away--be cool without being nice--or mean.

You're on the right track, keep us updated bro.

nack104

Thanks, kangaeru. I will keep ya posted. I'm not intentionally going to hurt her, and I hope I don't. I'm just gonna give her what she's givin me.

nack104

Well, it seems that the game is over. Last night after standing tall for nearly two weeks, I asked her online if everything's cool between us. She said "yeah, why that's up" and I said "well I mean with dating, is everything cool cause I've been busy so I haven't talked w/ ya much lately." and she never responded. About 15 minutes later I said "hello anyone there, my internet is going in and out, did you ever respond to my question." and she said "no, I'm fighting w/ my brother." So then I said "ok well I'm gonna get going, please respond to my question even though I doubt you care." I came back later in the night, and she never responded.

If everything was fine, she could have just as easily have said "yeah" when she said "I'm fighting w/ my brother." The lack of maturity and consideration for me has gone on too long. I am removing her from my life completely, and if she feels like coming to me, that's her choice. But I am done.

Voltas

nack,

this is a simple one...really you just have to get past YOUR head and deal with it for what it is...

I've been where you are before and its tough..but because you make it that way.

Ok lets start here... Your feeling like your falling for her be cause she is "chased" Nothing gets a person going then knowing that they have to struggle to get the attention of another and I'm shure she likes it a little that you hunger for her. ITs a catch 22, man. Honestly, if you can get your head around the fact that you are liking her more and more because your chasing her more and more then you can start to realize what your doing.

But here is what you do. Don't break things off with her, don't ignore her, don't leave her. If she makes good company and you enjoy your time together, AWSOME, thats always a good thing to have, don't blow that because your frustrated.

BUT...your right about enjoying some other people. Do it man, nothing like getting out and having a good time with other friends to get yourself out of the "chased" loop. There are many good things about doing this. First, it fills the time that you would have been spending Pining futally over this gurl. It also gets you a perspective on what your relationship with this gurl really is, is it THAT good? Are you just spinning your wheels? Is there something better around the corner? I'm not saying, jump in the sack with a bunch o gurls to get this one. But don't let having a gurlfrend stop you from having some good platonic relationships with other gurls. Your not married yet and this relationship doesn't sound like its heading down that road TO to fast so treat it like it is. Sounds like your young so you got some time to find that right one, or find out this one is the right one. There are a few other good things about getting your head outa this gurl and slowing the pining but the REAL kool thing is... if you do it right and you build your confidance with other friends and relations your gonna find more confidance with her. This in turn will start to turn her toward the "chased" mode. Some cofidance and alot of good friends proves to her that, "Hay this guy is worth something, he's got it goen on".

Don't ignore her and treat her well when you spend time with her but don't spend your time away fussing about her. it is what it is, a short term relationship (so far) that hasn't moved to fast. Have some fun man, running in circles for a gurl gets yah nowhere.

Well best of luck, I can't promise you anothing on this but I'll promise you, that if she doesn't work out you may have found yourself some friends and relationships that may fare better for you. And if it does and you treat her like a gentalment during this time it will only help grow a larger relationship later.

Good luck man woman are a strange and wonderful crazy little thing to deal with.

Edit:
ehh, didn't read the end o this thread sounds like its not goin well...well, I tried! Theres more fish out there man!

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nack104

And the game is over. I called and was very upfront. I said she needs to rethink her life, and that she's making a big mistake losing me. I told her I can not sit around and watch her get hurt, so I can not be her friend right now. It seemed to have struck a chord, so we'll see how she turns out. I can't worry about it anymore, however. It is over.

bing bing

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing brother. By the sounds of things, she has some serious attachment style issues, ones that I’m sure in the long-term, wouldn’t equate to fun.