la petite moi

So nwlinkvxd is obsessed with sex. He never stops wanting sex. He says he is addicted.

I, however, do not like sex as much as he does. More properly said, I pretty much do not like sex at all. It is painful, burns, and I cramp in the stomach sometimes. I HAVE TRIED LUBE AND FOREPLAY. Even if I have an orgasm before, it still hurts a lot of the times. And hence, I don't like having sex as much. I am also tired a lot- I work in the early mornings (4:30am-5:30am) on weekends, and on weekdays, I wake up for school at 6:30 am. This also affects my lack of sex drive.

Basically: he wants sex so much, and I can't provide enough. I am getting horribly upset/depressed, to the point where my self-esteem is plummeting any time he brings up sex. If you read through some of his posts about our sex, they are all negative. It HURTS.

What should I do? How can I want sex more? How can I stop it from hurting so much (except for obvious answer of already-tried lube and foreplay)?

greeneyes

I am answering this from the other person's side as I am the one who craves sex all the time and my partner doesn't. My boyfriend is more to me than a penis. I love him, I want to be with him. He's more important to me than anything else, especially sex. Why am I tell you this? Because I am sure nwlinkvxd feels the same way. So when you feel upset, depressed, or like your self-esteem is plummeting, just remember this:

You are more to him than a vagina. He loves you, he wants to be with you. You are more important to him than anything else, especially sex.

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la petite moi

Very seriously, sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

Coppertop

What about giving him oral or handjobs? Is that a viable option?

Otherwise, he needs to rediscover masturbation.

greeneyes

Have you had very open conversations about this? The reason I say very open is because sometimes it can be hard to be completely honest, even with a loved one.

Also, sex should not hurt like that. Unless you are pretty petite and he is enormous, have you had a pap smear recently? I'm not trying to say this will fix your sex issues, but you should do this for your health.

If you are not as into sex as he is (aside from the potential health issues), be upfront and tell him. What he decides after that is his choice. You cannot choose for him, he has to decide what is ultimitely more important to him and you should not feel guilty for his choices. I am a big proponent of everything on the table, everyone aware, and everyone accountable for their own choices.

He must care deeply for you, I've seen some of the things he says in chat and that did not come from a selfish, sex-driven man.

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Put the blame on me
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insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

la petite moi

Yeah, coppertop, read his ridiculous signature. :snort:

Also, when it comes to oral, my jaw ACHES because it takes SO damn long- maybe I'm just not good at it. I can barely get my mouth around it, and if I try to put it all in my mouth, it hits my gag reflex.

Handjobs...I dunno, I don't think I could ever get him off that way, now.

maleficent

You've mentioned the pain during sex before, and the response you've gotten has been the same. Go to a doctor and get yourself checked out. Pain during intercourse isn't normal and can signal that there might be a problem (This is not said to worry you, but it's said out of concern for you)

Is your lowered sex drive normal, or is it a recent phenomenon? ie has something changed in your life recently, ie new birth control or new medication that's changed it.

Your family situation is also adding a lot of stress in your life, which will affect your sex drive, you need to find it in you to get away from that.

He's asked you to marry him. You... The person... To spend the rest of your life with him... The rest of your life includes life outside of the bedroom, ya know, the good times and bad times... He is supposed to love you for the bad times to and the times where he's not getting as much sex as he'd like.

You can learn how to "get him off" with a handjob, if you want to.

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Coppertop

Well, jerking off 3x a day is going to desensitize anybody. Stop whacking it bro, and you'll be more sensitive to her touch - oral or otherwise.

micah67

Exactly. A little restraint (or in your case, a LOT) will go a long way. It's a quality vs. quantity issue. For example: I'm not one for receiving oral, but after a week of nothing - it doesn't take long.

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~micah

la petite moi

It's not that he doesn't come quickly. It's that he never stops wanting sex. I just can't keep up with him. He masturbates in order to appease himself.

Coppertop

This seems to indicate otherwise. If he masturbates less, he'll come faster when you go down on him. If you can please him more orally, he'll need less vaginally or from himself. This should help everyone.

By the way, how old are you guys?

la petite moi

Nearly 19 and 20.

Coppertop

That explains much. He's young, he's horny. I was the same way. Albeit without the same readily available porn access. Hopefully he'll cool his jets in the coming years.

I live in San Jose also, strangely enough.

la petite moi

This is a difficult situation, though. He is relying on me for any sex because he and I are engaged! I don't want to be the bad wife that only has sex once a month or something.

Coppertop

If he stops jerking off so much, the sex will feel better. At least it does for me. Hopefully then he'll need it less or you can cover the remaining times orally.

It all comes down to his self control. Curbing a healthy 'sturbing habit can he hard, I know, especially for someone his age. But it'll pay off in the long run. See if he can go a day without it. Then two, then three, etc. This should help with the time it takes for him to come form oral. Which in turn will be easier on you physically.

la petite moi

I don't want him to have to stifle himself though. I think this is MY problem, not his. It is healthy for a guy his age to be horny like that, and it is NOT healthy for me to dislike it so much. I just wish I were like the majority of the girls on this site that love sex so damn much.

*Nikki*

I think what doesn't help also is him complaining publicly about this issue between him and you.

I know if my fiance came on here and talked about our sexual problems, knowing I would read it, it would cause a great degree of distress on my part.

I don't want to offer any advice to you on this mearly because after reading his journal and your posts I think that the two of you should stop talking over the message board and start talking to each other.

I am not trying to be mean, but in this situation that is where the solution lies. You guys really need to sit down face to face and have a serious discussion as to what is happening between you two. More then just sex is at stake here.

insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

la petite moi

That's the problem- WE DO. We do ALL THE TIME. It is only AFTER we talk that we end up posting here!

Maybe this is just an impossible cause. Maybe it will just take time and effort. Maybe this will end after all our major stresses are resolved (family, work/school at same time, and distance!).

insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

Acetylene

If he's that big, your vagina might just be small. My roommate's vagina is tiny and all but the smallest men hurt her. Try getting some dildos that graduate in size and spend a few weeks gradually working on your tolerance for a larger object inside you. During this time, I wouldn't recommend you have any sex at all since the irritation will make you tighten up again. If you don't mind anal you can give him that during this time. Or, while you're at the sex shop, get him his own vibrator and masturbate together until you're ready to accept him inside you again.

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MageB420666

Ok, just to clarify something, masturbation does not necessarily desensitize the penis to sexual stimulation. It may be that way for some people, but not everyone.

Ok, from your description of nwl..... I have a WHOLE lot in common with him. I happen to masturbate quite often(2-3 times a day if I can, sometimes more), I have a VERY active sex drive, and I have a SO that is not very interested in sex.

So let me just say this: "WANTING A LOT OF SEX IS NOT(always) AN INDICATION OF A LACK OF LOVE!" It does not mean that he just sees you as just a vagina.

I love my girlfriend more than anything else in the world, including my self, and as an extension of that, I want to express my love to her. This in my mind, is not limited to words and favors, but intimacy as well. It is possible this is the same with nwl... one of the reasons he wants sex so much is because he loves you, not because he sees you as a sex object.

If I recall correctly in some of your other posts you have mentioned that your on certain meds, if I'm wrong just ignore or correct this part. So, if I'm remembering this correctly, your on some meds that effect the sex drive. This could be one of the reasons your not very interested in sex, it's pretty much the same way for my girlfriend. And sometimes, although not all the time, when we try making love, it hurts for her, despite foreplay and plenty of lubrication. I believe this is connected to the whole med and sex drive thing. Sex is not just physical, it's also mental, and if your not mentally in the mood, it can cause your body to react negatively to what is normally positive stimulations. Such as causing you to be unconsciously tense and unable to relax when he enters, painfully stretching you.

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la petite moi

A post of instant message discussion:

[18:23] fanatique 2004: to you, sex is just a necessity now, not a preserved gesture of love
[18:23] fanatique 2004: see what im getting at at all?
[18:23] fanatique 2004: its why i touch you
[18:23] Nwlink Vxd: sex is a human necessity
[18:23] Nwlink Vxd: everyone is supposed to want it all the time
[18:23] Nwlink Vxd: to keep the population growing
[18:24] Nwlink Vxd: it's how we're bulit
[18:24] fanatique 2004: YEAH EXCEPT WE ARE NOT CAVE PEOPLE ANYMORE
[18:24] Nwlink Vxd: built
[18:24] fanatique 2004: and we are not trying to build the population
[18:24] Nwlink Vxd: that isn't what your brain says
[18:24] fanatique 2004: you control yourself with pissing dont you?
[18:24] Nwlink Vxd: what?
[18:24] fanatique 2004: you dont just go pissing all over everything or on yourself
[18:24] fanatique 2004: so why should you just have sex when you get the urge, even if its primal?
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: because pissing doesn't feel good, and sex does
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: i'm tired of waiting all the time
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: hoping that i might get it
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: being disappointed sometimes and relieved others
[18:25] fanatique 2004: its the pressure that freaks me out kevin
[18:25] fanatique 2004: sex shouldnt be about relief
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: i want it all the time. it's how i feel.
[18:25] fanatique 2004: it should be about consensual love.
[18:25] Nwlink Vxd: you can't give it to me all the time, and i understand that.

la petite moi

I have done ALL that. I have three sex toys. I have put the vibrator inside myself many many many times in order to try to stretchmyself or make internal stimulation more pleasureable. I have given him anal on several occasions (which is doubly as painful, but yes, it's pretty erotic).

Acetylene

I'm just wondering if you've done it in a systematic fashion, several times a day, without sex messing things up. If yes, then your man is just out of luck and he needs to be content with getting any at all; and frankly, he should be ashamed for trying to guilt you into anything painful.

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There's no justice. There's just us.

la petite moi

And yes, I have before, once a day (can't do it several times because I share a room with my sister/ house with family). nwlinkvxd is typically gone for two weeks at a time, so I don't have sex for that period of time.

I don't want him to have to be "content". I hate being a sexual screw-up. I want to have good loving wonderful sex, that he and I can both enjoy, and that I won't complain about or turn him down.

maleficent

Who says you are a sexual screw-up? Is that coming from you or from him?

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MageB420666

Well, that response blows my theory up. I hope you two can work this out.

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insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

la petite moi

It's coming from me. I feel I don't do enough for him. I mean, I've put up with painful sex for awhile for him, and I know it's not all THAT selfish to want to feel pleasure while expressing my love for him. I've seen a doctor for a pap smear, and nothing down there is wrong, or so it's been shown. I just wanna know some way I can get over this pain and the fact that I can't be internally stimulated at all.

TexanAvenger

"Sexual screw-up" is awfully harsh for something that is, if not common, not completely uncommon. Sure, in general, sex is a huge thing for most people. You're obviously not like most people (something we appreciate), but there're plenty of people out there for whom sex is just not all that huge a deal.

nwlinkvxd, while sex is, and will remain (I'm sure), a huge deal to you... And keeping in mind that all I really have to go off of is this thread, it doesn't seem really fair to go about it like this. You can see the effect it's having on la petite moi, is that something that's really worth having sex so much? Having a huge sex drive myself, I understand the seeming "need" to have sex at every turn, but it seems a helluva lot harder on la petite than you.

I dunno... I don't want to lecture, and I can't really pretend to know how to "fix" the problem, but I hate to see obvious problems from both sides of the board, from those that I know to be good people...

maleficent

Back to the original question, have you been to a doctor to rule out any physical reasons for painful intercourse. Have you talked to a doctor about this?
Have you considered some sort of therapy to rule out psychological reasons for this?

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la petite moi

1.) Been to a gym for first pap smear and physical check up; nothing wrong according to her.
2.) I've CONSIDERED therapy, but frankly, I am very afraid to go about spending all that money for some doctor who is just doing their job.

maleficent

At this risk of offending both of you... I'll bring it up anyhow...

What about couples counseling? You two have made a committment to spend the rest of your lives together. Sex is going to be part of that life for a long time. You both deserve to get what you want and need, and right now you are both on opposite sides of the fence, maybe a third party to help you sort it out.

Are you planning to marry in a church? Maybe even talking to a minister as the neutral third party would help.

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la petite moi

No offense taken, and frankly, I've thought about it. Money is a huge issue, and I don't think either of our families would do much but laugh if we asked for money for counselling. We are both non-religious.

Also, we would both have to be in town together in order to get couples counselling. As you know, he comes home on weekends, and typically, doctors' offices are closed on weekends.

Astrocloud

What is your birth control method? Sometimes that can kill a woman's sex drive.

Astrocloud

I've had good luck with zestra:
http://www.zestraforwomen.com/aboutz...lications.html

(I didn't use it for sexual disfunction but rather more complicated kinky reasons.)

kangaeru

I would rethink that first statement, when you know she reads ones like the last.

Love isn't about fucking rabits, its the act of sacrificing for somebody else. If you're hurting LPM this much, maybe you need to remember that while you do have the urges of primal man, your concious mind and intelligence are on a higher level of thinking no?

Unfortunately I have no advice for LPM because anything I might say I've already seen suggested...nwlink the only thing I can really say is if you love her, controlling your own urges for the sake of making LPM feel alright with herself, is the best way you can show it until you guys figure out a happy median, or you age a bit and lose some of that crazy sex drive. I'm 20 too and I don't even jerk off more than twice or three times a week tops...2-3 a day was like when I was 13 and had to tuck a boner up in my pants whenever a period ended in middle school.


Good luck guys.

ChasingAmy

Dude I am sorry but you are going to have to accept this... for the time being at least. One thing that keeps running through my mind is that you have to grow up.

I know the urge to want to fuck constantly. But the fact is that you have to CONTROL that urge and take comfort in yourself b/c your spouse/significant other will not ALWAYS want it when you do. Sorry man but you have to come to terms with this.

You have to respect her and her bodies needs. If you can't there can be no relationship... IMO. This obviously is a two way street, she tries to fullfil you with handjobs (b/c the bj route also doesn't work for her) that means she is aknowledging your needs. Now... I quote "Handjobs are also wildly inefficient. I would rather jack off because all hands basically feel the same." This comment is just sickening. I am glad that you appreciate the efforts she takes to please you.

You are still very young and in time you will come to see that you can't always have it your way. You can date 1000's of girls and I doubt you will find one that wants to sex it up as much as you... b/c as a male we always want more. Always.

Again all I have to say is that with LPM being so open with everything that she has said can you not SEE how this is affecting her? You HAVE to respect where she is coming from.

(Round and round I go.)

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