lovelycuteme

What are your thoughts from girl point of view (vice versa situation)?

I (female) met a guy. We got attracted to each other almost instantly for the right reasons (a lot common and we talked a lot before getting together..). Then he invited me for a 'date' and we hit it off even more.

Problem - g/f of 10 years (on & off since she cheated on him). He is attached & afraid of something new (thinks that any relationship cools off in 2 months). I wasn't aware at first and then he said that they are almost like roommates, most of the time nothing to even talk about.. And suddenly he believed that i am unique and he never met anyone like me..

He was giving me 99% of the time at one point, but i couldn't settle for 99% (he couldn't just "drop" 10-year relationship). So he kind of came back 99% to her.. still can't get rid of idea of not seeing me. And now I am in situation of settling for 1%.. Life is so weird.. I am really attracted to him because we have so many interests in common (sometimes scary) and him/his g/f only have 10 year of relationship with no hugging, cuddling, sharing interests.. I am trying hard to forget him, but I got so attached during our better times.. He doesn't seem to be willing to give up me as well...

Where do you think it is going to go?

TM875

This can go in two directions, depending on the amount of work you're willing to do.

First, he obviously isn't getting the love and attention that anybody should recieve from a committed relationship. He's with girl A simply because he always has been. Now, you can work your little tail off and try to show him how great a relationship CAN be. It may take a few months/years for this to work, but you most likely will have a chance to make him realize how great you are, and how pathetic girl A is.

Or, you can let this go. Cut him out of your life - let him realize how much he misses you. This can either work to your benefit (he can't live without you), or your demise (he still doesn't have the cojones to leave girl A). This is risky, but this is most likely what I would do. Especially if he's only giving you 1% of his attention.

Third, you can continue your relationship as it stands. You guys both get sex, but nothing more - leaving you feeling empty and he more confused than ever. This, however, is the easiest course of action to take.

It's your call.

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lovelycuteme

Thanks a lot for your comments!

The most interesting part in this situation that.. g/f knows this from the day #1. Even before we "had" something. She was ok in the beginning (weird, right?). And then (that what he told me), she started fighting for him when she realized that it is not only about sex...

I wish i can just let go easy.. and it kind of happens for a while (longest was 3 weeks), but then he texts me a cute message or teases me or something like that and i am giving up. It feels just so right to be with someone who shares a lot of your dreams/interests. I've been for too long in a relationship (9 years) with nothing in common at all. But I gave this up in order not to settle for less.. He just doesn't seem to give away "steadiness" even though few times he was ready to leave and was looking for a place..

I would really like to try fighting for him - of course not in a bad way - by just showing how much I care.. and I do care a lot about him..

bermuDa

if the situation is how TM875 and I understand it, I vote for cutting him off. He's been avoided making a choice for 10 years. If he wants to walk the line without making a decision, he's already made his decision.

If he really cares about you, he'll cut the strings loose.

I AM curious about this guy's relationship with this ex... it sounds like he's not in a physical relationship with her. Are they just friends, or are THEY the fuck buddies? your wording is confusing.

clarify first.

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lovelycuteme

she is not really his ex.. they live together.. they've been leaving for 7 years, then she cheated - were separate for 2 years; then accidentally got back together (together 1 year already). even though he forgave her, he can't really forget what she did. I am sure they have sex and everything together, but I am sure it is no longer exciting. He does things with me he doesn't with her (and I don't mean only sexually) - like he washes me in shower (never did it with her) or constantly cuddling or even simply texting to each other 10 times a day (never did it with her either)... I am trying to understand and one day i am winning over and another it's her. Sometimes I feel that there is more to it connected (maybe he can't leave her for some reason, like financial - just an example). When we are together, he literally doesn't want to leave and used to stay overnight with me or leave 3 am (I am sure she wasn't happy and they had fights every day).

It feels sometimes like he wants her, but with the way I care... Am I just another stage for him (after living together with the same person, most guys going through "such" stages).. But I really saw "IT" in his eyes and.. even.. tears..

Averett

How do you accidentally get back together with someone?


How old are you all? It's kind of hard to understand with your grammar/style of writing.

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lovelycuteme

She broke up with the one she cheated with...

he was going to leave the state he lives now.. She was going to go back to her native country. They kind of kept in touch, and decided to stay together for 1 month to save on rent before leaving. Changed their plans in a process, I guess, and now over 1 year back together..

sorry for language - doing too many things simultaneously... also nervious - brand new to this chat (which is great by the way)

me - 29; him - 32; g/f - 32

yournamehere

I know that wasn't meant to be funny, but I've been laughing for at least 5 minutes over that -

(ahem) - sorry - please continue . . . .

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water_boy1999

I think this guy is playing you. I am of the mindset that you can't have your cake and eat it too. It this guy is having physical relations with someone else, you don't need to be getting involved unless he cuts the cord with her. Sure, he can be friends as we are all adults here, but if he ever expects to gain your full trust and respect, he would step up and be a man.

You, on the other hand, need to stop being so naive. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if he is admitting having sex with her and is doing the same with you, chances are his feelings for you are not as strong as you think.

I would suggest an ultimatum. This will put things into perspective for him real quick. Tell him you have other options otu there and will pursue them if he is not serious enough about you to drop this other sexual escapade.

My 2 cents.....

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maleficent

I've been sitting here shaking my head for 5 minutes writing a reply... And have deleted everything I wrote. More than once.

This guy, I am taking an immediate dislike to, he's a manipulater, and really only thinks about himself. His excuses seem way too convenient.

From what you are describing, this guy sounds like the classic "cheater" type, oh she doesn't understand me, YOU are special, YOU understand me. She doesn't treat me well, we haven't had sex in years.

Don't you think that you deserve someone who can be there for you 100 percent? Why would you tolerate being the "other woman" which is what you are. You deserve better.

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losthellhound

Wow.. So you didnt want to settle for 99 percent but you're hanging on with 1 percent?

This guy has to be friggan Adonis..

But seriously, I agree with Maleficent, he's not worth it. I bet there is another young girl out there who also beleives she is 1 percent and hopes to get more .. umm.. rank?

Im sure there are other guys out there who share your interests, and who are more interested in you then in balancing a harem of "1 percenters"

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lovelycuteme

Well.. that's exactly what i did.. and instead of 99%.. went down to 1%.. He said he wasn't ready for a mone serious relationship and I coudn't settle for the idea of him being with someone.. Every day he is "teasing" me and says that can't let go me..

I am just tearing apart inside.. I do understand that he either doesn't care enough, or playing, or simply not ready to break up with 10-year "same" relationship... I just can't control my heart for now..

Nisses

that last post only seems to make his case worse... He really does sound like a simple cheating type

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maleficent

Are there any benefits to this guy?

If'n he does leave the girlfriend, and go with you, would you honestly trust him to not do the same thing to you in a few years? (and that's not a once a cheater always a cheater remark, this guy has absolutely no remorse at all for what he's doing)

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Aladdin Sane

Lovelycuteme-- you are in a deadend situation. This guy will NEVER leave the woman he is now with for you. He's got a great thing going now: Two women who both want him.
Drop him and go try to find out why you are attracted to such a loser.

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lovelycuteme

That has been my case - attraction losers.. I am very attractive, have 3 degrees, speak 5 languages, financially stable and end up "praying" for someone who is "using" me. Last time when I dropped my ex (took me 9 years), I went through the same situation and end up saying to myself that it will never happen that a guy should be doing everything for me (of course in 2-way street) and not only me.. me.. me..

Last update - she is leaving for 3 weeks and he wants to be with me 24 hours a day and "see where it's going". It's just tearing me more apart. Also every day he says that time with me was the happiest in his life (I guess he prefers misery with her) and that he wishes he met me 5 years ago, that he would've been already happy with me for the last 5 years.. All this teasing...

I just wish he was more honest in the beginning without "baby I really want to be with you".. All of those moments just attached me more to him..

Rlyss

This guy is so very clearly playing you and it's good to see you're not totally falling for it.

I'm with everyone else who recommended you leave this guy. I'm sure he really does like you, I have no reason to doubt that. But like Alladin Sane says, he's got a girlfriend who he's known for years, so he's got that comfort. He's got you, a new woman who shares a spark with him. He's got the best of both worlds and he's milking you both.

What he's doing isn't a cute way of escaping something bad. It's cheating on his girlfriend, lying to the both of you, and loving every minute of it. He's trying to get you wrapped around his finger and by posting your thoughts here you've already proved that he's hasn't suckered you in just yet.

His girlfriend is leaving for three weeks and as soon as she's gone, he turns around to you. If a man's partner leaves for three weeks he uses that time wisely, to better himself, have some free time (still as a man in a relationship) or simply feel sad until she gets back. He doesn't turn to his 'girl on the side' for those three weeks and then run back to his girlfriend when she returns.

Trust all of us on this one, please. Don't give him any more ultimatums. Ditch this guy right now, before his girlfriend leaves for her three week trip. Don't bother telling his girlfriend about the two of you, that's their business. Ditch the guy before she leaves so he knows he's not going to be spending those three weeks with you. Ditch him and find someone that appreciates you as a woman, and not as a woman on the side.

And don't make him choose between you and the girlfriend either. I don't know her, so I can't say if she deserves him, but the fact is that you don't, and right now you've got to worry about yourself. If you gave him an ultimatum and made him choose between you or her, if in the very unlikely event he'd make any decision (I suspect he'd draw it out as long as possible) and he chose you, like a few others have said above, he might do it again in the future. It's not a guarantee that he will or that he won't, but is it really something you want to risk?

Aladdin Sane

And besides, if by some freak set of events you did end up with him, what would you have but a selfish cheating loser who you couldn't trust?
No reason to say anything more to him. Check out and never talk to him again.

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lovelycuteme

So.. you, guys, don't think that it would be somehow a good idea to spend the next 3 weeks with him - just to show what he lost.. and have some fun before dropping him...

maleficent

No, because it's three weeks for you to get more attached to him.

You think he's honestly going to care about what he's lost? From everything you've said, he's not, he only cares about himself.

You have your feelings to think about, and how will you feel in three weeks?

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Rlyss

During those three weeks you're going to feel like he's all yours! You're both going to forget about his REAL girlfriend. At the end of those three weeks when he has to go back to her, and go back to seeing you on the side, it's going to be a very, very harsh crash back into reality.

Don't give this guy the satisfaction of having three weeks alone with you.

Call him up right now and tell him it's over. What he now chooses to do during those three weeks is up to him and is none of your concern.

pig

I'm late to the game, but my comment is this:

All this guy seems to need is a wife-beater t-shirt and a mullet, and I think we've got Springer material. If I understand correctly:

For a period of time, you were getting a lot of attention from this guy. You give ultimatem - he pulls back. He doesn't like the challenge to his authority in your arrangement. You accept the 1%.

Hmmm...my advice is
1. Drop this guy flat. Don't have fun with him for three weeks. Don't see him during the three weeks. If you have to see him, meet on neutral ground and don't have sex with him. Let yourself pity him, and let him see that you pity him. I personally don't see how you're not supremely pissed at this guy. You're (self-described as) attractive, intelligent, and you've been in relationships before - so you know the way these things work. Don't let this guy waste any more of your time. You can find someone better who'll give you the time / etc you need.

2. Never let yourself fall in love with someone involved in a relationship. You can play frisky games with them, but don't go to Love Land. The various alternatives are never as good as a relationship formed from a fresh start.

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