JayRock

I kinda have a problem and was wondering if anyone can help me out. My gf is new the whole love life thing but the one thing that peaves me the most is that she is so concerned about other things that go on in life, she totally misses the boat when it comes to being aroused or sexual. I dont know what it is with her, dont get me wrong, I love her to death, but sometimes I wonder if she ever gets aroused or horny or anything because I have the hardest time trying to get her going. Then once she is going nothing is the same twice. By that I mean one thing may work one night and not work at all the next. Im still searching for that magic button that gets her going, but I cant find it (and its almost been a year together). She is the most difficult puzzle Ive ever dealt with in my life.

So my question is, is there something I can do or tell her or help her out with that can get her going? Has anyone ever dealt with something like this before? Ive run out of ideas and she doesnt seem to know either. I would love if anyone could point me in the right direction because im lost.

wilbjammin

Have you talked to her about previous relationships and all that? Religious upbringing? It sounds like she might have some issues when it comes to sex that could be related to intimacy or the values surrounding sex that she grew up with. There isn't a cookie-cutter answer for any woman, so you're just going to have to keep working with her. If she doesn't get aroused that suggests to me that she has something preoccupying her mind.

__________________
Innominate.

rsl12

it's also possible that her sex drive is just plain LOW. plenty of people out there like that.

my advice: if you're going to make it an issue, make it an issue about YOURSELF, about how, you need sexual assistance, even when she's not up for it. DO NOT make it an issue of, what can you can do to give your gf more orgasms--that will just make her feel bad about her inability to orgasm. if she's happy with all the foreplay, you should be happy with her. if she WANTS to work with you to get more orgasms, then by all means talk and explore.

__________________
oh baby oh baby, i like gravy.

tec-9-7

Does she take any kind of anti-depressants? Other drugs? Some *cough*Paxsil*cough* are notorious for killing sex drive. Evaluate any medication she takes for "possible sexual side-effects".

jvwgtr

I totally feel your pain.
I would say 90% of the girls I've dated were the same way...it totally sucks, because you feel like a dog with the constant begging.
It sucks, but in my experience, some people are just wired differently, and there's just no way around it.

Rodney

When I was first dating my wife, sometimes we'd go to bed together and things wouldn't move along so well. After a while I noticed she'd get this faraway look in her eye at those times, and I realized that she was thinking about something that she couldn't get out of her mind. So I'd stop everything and ask if everything was okay and if she wanted to talk about something. She always would -- usually it was something that was bothering her from the day, and often it had nothing to do with me -- and afterwards, when she'd got it off her chest, she'd relax and things would proceed.

So just as a suggestion, you might try this. I'm sure you do listen, but when things aren't going well, try pulling back a little and just cuddling up and asking her what's on her mind.

JayRock

In response to a few of your posts:
1) No she is not on medication
2) Yes this is her first relationship and she was brought up in a religious home
3) Its probably true that she has an extremely low sex drive and unfortunately at this point I dont think there is much I can do about it
4) Her mind is more than likely occupied with thoughts of homework, and studies, and jobs and whatnot that she has to deal with right now, and I know I rank further down on the priority list than those things.

I guess I'll just have to take it step by step and go slow and keep asking questions. Its funny tho coz when I bring up the issue about the low libido she often tells me that she does think about it and wants to do it, but then again she never acts on it or she just discards it....

Averett

Well theres your answer. I wasn't brought up in a religious home by any means, but I was very shy, nervous and wary with my first relationship. Sounds like she just needs some time and understanding. She'll come around Take things slow. Let things progress. Don't push. I'm sure things will clear up with time.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Mephex

There was something I read on lowbrow the other day, that struck me as being very powerful.

Something about putting her on a pedestal, treating her like the goddess she really is, and showing her that she has nothing to fear emotionally from you, and she will open right up.

I felt my ex never wanted me, though she claimed she did. She said she just didn't have the same drive as I did. In retrospect, I realize that it was me, pushing all the time, making it into some big ordeal that was causing her to back off.

Take it easy

Strange Famous

I dont agree that everyone jumps up and says someone must be repressed or have problems just because they are not obsessed with sex. Maybe she just has a low sex drive, a lot of people do.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

LaughinMon

I believe that applies to all women, theyre all difficult puzzles

thats my advice too. all women are different. there is no "magic button" for all of them. just snapping your fingers and having her all over you would be awesome, wouldnt it? too bad it doesnt work that way... anywho, be loving and patient and it'll all workout

Eugeni

I think the best thing to do is to take pressure off her.
Just ask her to please you and then show her you're horny and having a good time and she might want to as well. I mean solve the problem by thinking there is none.

wish u well

raeanna74

You might be careful about when and how you ask and how you respond if she says no. If you give the sad puppy dog face even it can make her feel guilty. It's happened to me. Hubby would say "Ok, That's fine." but say it in such a Rejected tone, sad face, and just turn away that I was turned off when he asked. I also quit enjoying his touches because they always led to him begging, a rejection by me, and the guilt trip from him. I'm in no way saying that you might be making her feel guilty. I'm warning you that it can happen very easily though. Be sure to give her lots of touching, hugs and kisses and don't ask for sex every time either. That may help her open up some.

I did grow up in a religious home. I did have some hangups with intimacy early on. Especially when I wasn't married. I had a lot of guilt for having sex before marriage. Time, patience and talking will help her get past that.

There's always the daily stress that can make things harder for her. Give her plenty of time to talk it all out. Hubby's learned to listen so much and he's seen how it clears my head for sex thoughts.

Patience is the word. Good Luck.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Ilow

Don't forget this also may go for the pill, although she may not be on it yet if this is her first relationship and she was brought up with religion. I believe that thet have testosterone-based creams that can significantly increase woman's sex drives, you should look into that. Also as others have posted, be wary of the pressure thing. good luck

__________________
"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

wannabenakid247

Maybe you just need to talk to her in depth about it. Find out exactly what she likes and doesn't like, what turns her on.

However saying that I agree with the comments above. It could be that her sex drive is just low for one of a number of reasons.

Hope it works out

Bobaphat

Have you talked with her about this? If you don't want to end up being bitter about your relationship you should make her aware of the disparity between your respective sex drives. See if she even realizes that you see her low sex drive as a problem. Low sex drive can be countered a number of ways, including improving diet and exercise as well as through medical means. She may be open to seeing a Dr. about her problem, if she recognizes that she has one.

__________________
--size matters not-- yoda

thedrake

just talk to her that is the best remedy

JayRock

I have talked to her about it, numerous times, and for the most part she understands. Ive asked her "What turns you on, what turns you off, what gets your motor running" and she really doesnt have an answer for me. Shes like well I kinda like this and I kinda like that, but when I do that stuff, she usually starts laughing or giggling (Plus she is very ticklish). After the talks things are usually ok for a while, but then we fall back into the rut. Im really not complaining about it, because I love her to death and I think our relationship is very strong, its just that I would like to start exploring our sexuality together but shes easily distracted and has a lot on her plate, and I dont blame her for that. I was just posting for some advice from fellow members to see if maybe they have had similar circumstances and how they were able to get over that hurdle.

Thanks Guy/Gals

JayRock

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bobaphat

You hit the nail on the head here...I know for a fact that she's really been trying to get back into the gym because she realizes she beginning to get out of shape (Shes a pretty damn good athlete) and I know her diet sucks, usually 2 meals a day if that. She is definitely not a fan of the doctor and its not because shes afraid its because she really doesnt believe in that stuff, she likes to let her body heal itself or take care of itself. Ive told her on numerous occasions to see a doc about her irregular periods but she refuses and taking medicine is out of the question. But I think your right, if her diet and exercise habits improve so will her drive.

Averett

The laughing/giggling is a big tip off that she's shy and nervous. There is nothing you can do to remedy this. It will just take time and understanding. I used to be (and still am to a certain extent) the same way. I wasn't sure what to do or what was going on sometimes, so I would get giggly. It's a bit of a defense mechanisim. Eventually she'll learn to let go and enjoy things.

She's probably young, right? 18, if that? Being her first relationship she's bound to be nervous. Have you two had sex yet?

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Astrocloud

Nobody wants to hear what I have to say... but honestly I would dump her. Part of being in a relationship is about sexual chemistry and right now it seems like you are bending over backwards to try to make things work and she just doesn't seem interested.

I KNOW FOR A FACT -from my prior knowlege and relationships that if she was the right girl then it wouldn't require much seduction on my part. A woman that I am always having to seduce just isn't worth it -I might as well just keep her 'as a friend' and look for a sexually exclusive relationship elsewhere.

That's my two bits... feel free to tell me that I'm wrong or insensitive or whatever.

JayRock

Actually we are both 21 and we did it for the first time the other night (thats what kinda brought up the post coz i got thinking). It was painful for her coz it was her first time, but she didnt seem to dislike it. Anywho, thats not really why I was posting, but it seems to have come up

Thanks for the advice

Oh BTW Astrocloud you sound like a follower of Leykis 101...

Astrocloud

Not at all actually -just old and bitter w/ a bit of "been there done that" thrown in.

jazzwyld

I have been there. Many people have said talk to her. Or perhaps a low sex drive. I think you mentioned her being religious. I dated a girl quite a few years ago that I couldn't get going for anything. I thought there was something wrong with me. She said time and time again no you're great, I'm not just not aroused. Then one night I kidnapped her took her to a field and watched stars. We stayed the night out there she was finally into it. She orgasamed around 10 times...maybe more she lost count, so did I. I never tried it again, because i never had to. After that she was way into everything we did. Sometimes people need a spark, something out there. The peroccupation of her mind is a big thing. If you want her to be into you, her mind is gotta be on you.

All of the other advice is good, and mine isn't the end all, but anything is better than doing nothing. So much goes into a females mind, hard to know it, and even harder to understand it.

__________________
You keep searching, but what you're looking for is inside.

Forget about who you thought you were, and accept who you are.

Astrocloud

There's some hard learned truth in here. I dated a woman for three and a half years who wasn't very sexual. Some nights during the thunderstorms were the best sex I have ever had with her.

Live and learn I guess...


(I still say break it off.)

Mephex

Wow, it sounds so simple, but what a great idea. I wish I would've thought of something like that

btw Your sig freaks me out ;

31Friction

it's all about making her comfortable I think. That does take some time and effert but it's worth it. When you two are getting intimate make eye contact with her, go slow, if it helps, talk to her. If you love her then tell her you do. Don't just make it sex or fooling around. No one can tell you exactly how to do it because every girl is different.

Does she have a preference whether to have the lights on or not?

__________________
"Saints need sinners."
Alan Watts

bodymassage3

just take your time..no rushing >>

SparklingDot

Helping us to feel relaxed and comfortable with you works wonders. Know what else works? No pressure on the girl, and a wonderful massage to make her forget all that school / work / life related junk. Make her feel like you are the only two people in the world.

Speaking from experience (and it sounds almost as if I am the girl you are talking about) if a girl is stressed out and tired and totally and completely preoccupied, telling her that you aren't getting enough from her will only make matters more tense. Be sweet and gentle and kind. And above all else, be patient.

__________________

17 seconds is all you really need
- Smashing Pumpkins

motdakasha

1) Not all women have a "magic button." (Nor do men.) We're not light switches.
2) Sounds like your sex drives don't match. You can live with it or move on.
3) Be happy that she's not asexual.
4) The sad truth of the matter is that a large majority of women don't know what turns them on. Asking her explicitly is probably the worst way to go about it if she has very little sexual experience (with herself or others). You can suggest she try to masturbate on her lonesome. If that doesn't work (too scared or lonely or whatever), help her out. Make her experiment and she'll figure things out, and so will you.

__________________
=^-^= motdakasha =^-^=
Just Google It.
BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

turbodriven

First of all... I have to say... ignore this. You being her first hold a very important role in her life. If you dump her because you think she's inadequete sexually, it's going to scar her for the rest of her life!

Second of all... seriously consider looking into what kind of birth control she is using. Birth control is notorious for sucking the sex drive right out of a woman. And why shouldn't it... sexual intercourse is driven by reproduction. And if her body has stopped producing something required for that equation... then poof... her body is now telling her "why have sex?"

Third and lastly... make sure she feels sexy. Not beautiful, or smart, but SEXY. Women enjoy being sexy... and being sexy and seeing the reaction that it makes in you will give her drive. Take her to some lingerie shops... or sex shops... tell her candidly how sexy she would look in something or using something. Buy her some things! Educate her in a subtle way on how healthy sex is. Women are mental creatures... they need to be comfortable in their head with who they are with and what they are doing. Men just need three holes and a heartbeat. So respond to what a woman responds to... and she'll get just as turned on as you do seeing her strut around naked.