When I was first dating my wife, sometimes we'd go to bed together and things wouldn't move along so well. After a while I noticed she'd get this faraway look in her eye at those times, and I realized that she was thinking about something that she couldn't get out of her mind. So I'd stop everything and ask if everything was okay and if she wanted to talk about something. She always would -- usually it was something that was bothering her from the day, and often it had nothing to do with me -- and afterwards, when she'd got it off her chest, she'd relax and things would proceed.
So just as a suggestion, you might try this. I'm sure you do listen, but when things aren't going well, try pulling back a little and just cuddling up and asking her what's on her mind.
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