shoe

Im not even sure this goes in here..move it if you believe it doesnt.

I just told my love interest for the past months i couldnt be friends with her anymore. I already wrote about this girl several weeks ago. She had the heartbreaking habit of leading someone on thinking she was in love, only to rip them apart when she finally decides that 'no' and moves on to some other target. Her reaction when i told her ? "Oh , its ok then" Well , what a mighty fucking meaningful friendship this was for you, you lying bitch. Although i have learned this, in the end, no one cares.

I dont want to sound like this whiny romantic nice guy loser who cant get the girl, but she was the only thing that made me happy in a long time. Although she did make me want to fucking kill myself as much as she did make me happy, atleast their was happiness eh ? But now its gone , heh. I dont understand how someone can love one, and forget about them so rapidly. How is that even possible? I rarely fall for girls but when i do it is quite incredible. Even more incredible that it NEVER FUCKING WORKS OUT. Sorry for the bursts of anger. Ah.. if only i could forget these past months things would be much better. Well, atleast i can rely on someone showing up when you least expect it. Oh no i cant.. that last girl i am talking about was this unexpected girl. I am increasingly tired of being lonely.. and i go in deeper.

I realize i have a problem here. Yes , bad thoughts have been brewing inside of me. I have spoken of suicide in the last thread also.. but i juste feel like i am alone in a crowd. How do i stay motivated? It just seems as if im in this huge void. Nothing for me now but past memories and nothing to look forward too. I thought i was emotionally stronger than this, thought that with reason and logic i could control myself but i was wrong. As this is quite soul consuming. Yes, i've heard the usual advice like talking to your friends , getting your mind off her, keeping busy, meeting new people but frankly, all of this is relatively easy to say. Or theres always the " What doesnt kill you makes you stronger" classic which i feel is utter bullshit.

Its more than a good time for change. So..anyone ? A shred of hope, something to hold on too, a helping hand to pull me back from under. Anything.

Zegel

Eh, dont be so hard on yourself man. You say you have a problem... it sounds to me like SHE had a problem and it fucked you up. That doesnt make you the problem. Its a good thing that you were able to realise what kind of person she was before she screwed you up even more.

Try to move on.. I know its hard now, but it will get a lot easier with time. Good luck.

wilbjammin

" 'Whatever does not kill me strengthens me.' Yes, but . . . And how painful it is to dream of happiness. The crushing weight of it all. Better to say nothing and pay attention to everything else." - Camus, Notebooks

This is the very first entry in Camus' notebook for 1942. I have spent a lot of time thinking about it, because I don't think it is an accident that this is the first entry. I think he had this on his mind for a long time, and it certainly was the obvious choice for him to put on the page first.

What strikes me is when he says "say nothing and pay attention to everything else." I think we get too caught up in a singular goal that miss out on enjoying life at all, because we're trying to hard for happiness in one thing that we end up being entirely dependent on.

I know just how you feel. I had an intense relationship that was wrought with gigantic ups and gigantic downs and she broke up with me by simply not responding to me at all until I finally threatened to call her in an e-mail and she wrote back:

"Will

Just let me go.

-S"

We go from intimacy to her not even wanting to be friends at all, or even having to deal with me. I was angry, but I'm fine now. What you have to realize is that there is something wrong with this kind of behavior. You may think you're better off with someone who's jerking you around, because at times she seems sincere or you get good sex or something... but I propose that you're better off alone. There are many people that don't know how to handle intimacy - they push people away, test them, and do everything they can to prove that their problem is actually the other person's. If your ex is like that, I imagine that she does care, but that she does her best not to think about it. This is really common in our society, and I would imagine that if this keeps happening to you it is because you have some subconscious draw to girls like this. You might try to re-evaluate where you find girls and what attracts you to them. That was hard for me, because I found that I really liked girls with serious problems. But now that I know that, I knew how to steer away from it.

Taking time to find what makes you happy on your own - learning how to live with yourself - will make every aspect of your life much better. I'm not desperately searching for affirmation, for love, or anything. I'm confident, and when other parts of my life don't work out, I'm ok even if it hurts for a little while.

I'm not saying that it is easy, but there are things you can do if you just start with yourself and realize that this isn't your fault entirely. You were in a situation with someone who made it impossible for relationship to succeed, that certainly isn't anything you could fix.

__________________
Innominate.

shoe

Do you think i made the right choice telling her i couldnt be her friend anymore? Im having second thoughts.. ugh..

wilbjammin

Why do you want to be friends with someone who doesn't treat you well? She'll most likely walk all over you from what I got out of your first post.

__________________
Innominate.

shoe

I guess i want comfort. Its still hard to let go.

wilbjammin

Yeah, I understand that. I've seen too many situations where people go back to bad situations again and again because they don't let go. I hope you find some peace soon.

__________________
Innominate.

:::OshnSoul:::

"Oops I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game"...........

Sorry, not a joking matter, that just instantly came into mind.
Some people are like that and it shows they are afraid of commitment. Also, they just are looking for comfort and convenience. No offense to you, but this was her decision to have you in her life for the wrong reasons.
I can understand your pain- but in time it will pass, you've got to move on and get on with your life. There is someone out there who's right for you, who does want to be with you, and won't be afraid to commit and fall in love with you. Don't worry. I know it's a hard thing to get over, but she's living in a different world and she needs to figure out what she wants. She can't do that without having the space to look back at herself. That's a choice she has to make.
But, for you, don't hold onto anything negative- hold on to the good times you had, and know that it was meant to end. More things are ahead for you.

chavos

been there, got done...

the only people i bother negotiating friendships with after dating/attractions/etc... are the ones who were responsible, adult, and compassionate about the break. she don't sound like she makes the cut. the very best of luck with moving on.

jay-g

mistered

I know how you feel, man. I used to feel the same way ... NOTHING ever worked out. And then the woman who has been my wife for the last decade came along.

Just hang in there. It only takes ONE. And if I can give you any advice other than hanging in there, it's let go. Don't "force it." Once you let go, the universe has a strange way of supporting you.

shoe

Thanks for the support mates, it helps.

shoe

Huh .. she juste sent me an email on my MSN profile thing as another username and with her email hidden saying " Hey , if you want to talk , let me know ! " She forgot i could still check her profile and lo and behold there she is. What is she trying to do now..

wilbjammin

And thus begins the "sucking him back in" stage... be careful.

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Innominate.

wry1

Look, you need to take a little time for yourself. Don't rely on this girl to make you happy...find things in yourself and your life that do that, and then work at having a relationship.

Okay, so it's not as interesting and fun as being "in love", but the long-term effects on a relationship once you've done that for yourself are immeasurable!

As for this one? You made the decision to break things off for a reason. Has that reason changed? If not, then keep it dead...the way it belongs.

~springrain

You can totally do this...

After a while you learn
than love doesn't mean leaning,
that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises...
And you begin to accept defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of being, not the grief of a child.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can endure...
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth.
With every new tomorrow comes the dawn.

Plan9Senior

Nice to hear you are not with this bitch anymore. This was enough to tell me the relationship wasn't a healthy one anyway. You can do better shoe.

This, fortunately is her problem and not yours. She will have to overcome this emotional obstical she has not you. You, fortunately, have the ability to love somebody which means you can walk away from this relationship keeping your head up knowing you stayed true to your feelings.

Sounds like you get One-Itis pretty easily. Since you are single now, I honestly reccommend finding my thread "Getting Girls 101" and reading it fully. Take whatever necessary from it and try to incorporate it into the next girls you start hanging out with. If you do, I promise you will be the one with the edge up next time .

Bah dont be. The opposite sex can bring out the best in us as well as the worst. Start trying to realize she was the latter, and that you need to find somebody that you won't have to force to like you.

Fuck that! Remember EVERYTHING about the past months. Remember how much she hurt you and how you will vow to yourself to never let a woman make you feel this way again. Feel the pain and use it constructively to putting energy into something that will better yourself, like working out. You have no idea how much that hurt can make you push yourself into getting in better shape. Also, the hurt will turn to hate soon and you need to hate her right now so you wont do something stupid like call her and beg her back.

Being lonely has nothing to do with having a girlfriend Shoe. Remember this. Sometimes people are at their lonliest when they are in an unhealthy relationship. Be thankful you didn't waste anymore time with this one, have children with her, or have a home together because she isn't the right one.

Force yourself to go out with friends. Even when you feel like listening to sad music.. in the dark . The key is forcing yourself to stay active and sidetracked. Pick up a new hobby like I mentioned above (working out). Time heals all wounds bud, the key is keeping yourself busy while time does its work for you.

I live by this and it is totally true. Hang in there, it is always a great feeling when you finally look back and think to yourself, "WTF was I so upset over her for??" ...trust me you will

We all have been there. Yes, even me. Hang in there bro, and welcome to single life! (its more fun here anyway)


*EDIT* By the way, NO CONTACT WITH HER WHATSOEVER!! DO NOT BE HER FRIEND NOR SPEAK TO HER AGAIN! Later on down the line when you move on, possibly this could change but right now, severing contact completely is the only way you will heal faster. Dont listen to anybody who will tell you different!!

denim

Got it.

I can't say "been there, done that," 'cause I'm still there, doing that. I know how it is. OTOH, I don't think I've ever been "in love". "In lust", sure. "In fatuated," yep.

What I'm doing about it is getting out more, not just withdrawing to my hole (apartment) on weekends and evenings. And I met someone. Where that might go, I can't say. But I find it helps.

shoe

Well things are starting to look up now. I hadnt realized it immediatly but i feel as if i have been "liberated" or something. Its quite the weird feeling as i really wanted to be with her but at the same time i notice almost every aspect of my personality, my confidence, my happiness etc, are at a high they havent been to in a long time, and i like it.

andalite89

To tell you the truth, i am going through the exact same stage right now. Just broke up wid a grl i've luved for the longest and deepest time of my life, and it's pretty hard to let go, i grant you that. I go through swings, in which i tell her that she needs to change her attitude and all that, but now in retrospect, it may be that i just wanted to be able to exert a little bit of control over her. It takes awhile to get over a girl that you've luved for so long, but when you do, it's quite interesting. You learn many things from breaking up. You learn to depend on urself, to kno how to pursue happiness by urself, how to live by urself, and finally, when u get all that, how to find confidence in urself. Only when you are able to b confident in urself again, will you be able to step out into the world again, but this time, in a much better light than before. Nothing else to say but to hang in there. Its good to take it day by day, evaluate what u did after every day, if you were able to let go a little more, or if not. To make it even more complicated, some girls (like the one im dealing with right now, and from the sounds of it, you too), like to play with guys' emotions, test them once in awhile, see if we men still care about them. Just ignore what they say, what they do, for a period of time. Its painful, but it also allows u to bounce back the fastest

flamingdog

i have a theory that women and men actually hate each other, and were it not for sex, we would never interact. as it is, sex is the root of our power over each other and is the place where battle lines are drawn and dominance won or lost.

coming from a similar perspective, i would have to say that given all the mindgames and bullshit you talk about, you are infinitely better off out. as close as you are to it at this point in time, you just can't see it. sever all contact for a couple of months. don't snoop on her to see if she's online. stop caring about what she's doing. think about all the reasons you have to dislike her. anything it takes to keep you away from her.

few months down the line, you'll be wondering why you put up with it all. trust me, perspective comes with time, and you'll certainly be a stronger man for it.

good luck man.

shoe

Its damn hard though as she is in most of my classes..

Mephex

You know. I wasn't going to reply to this.

There is a lot of great advice above, but I'll tell you something.

I am in a very similiar situation right now. I dated my ex for 3 years. About 3-4 months ago, I noticed a complete 180 in the way she treated me. She and I played a mmo together about a year ago, that I gave up pretty quickly, as I was on to something else. I actually felt lucky, to have found a gamer grrl. I'd be playing whatever, and she'd be doing her mmo. The same one, all of the time. Now I confronted her a few times, because things changed so much. She was always playing this game, and she would get irritated whenever I got near her monitor. So I'd joke about her seeing someone ingame. She has done this before, met someone online, and ended up having a relationship with them. Anyway, she always denied it, no matter my approach.

I never actively persued trying to find out whether she was lying to me or not. After all, I trusted her, and she said she would never do something like that to me. Well, we had a falling out about 3 weeks ago. We had been living together, were planning on getting married and buying a house etc. Guess what ?

2 weeks ago today, I hopped onto her pc, flipped into her mmo directory, and opened up the chat buffer. Not only was she 'involved' with someone, they were making plans to meet at a nearby hotel for the weekend. There was a lot more, but that's one of the things that sticks in my head.

So she's done. She's moved on, I've moved out even though I am paying rent for the next 3 months.

I get angry all of the time, because I know I am miserable, and she is giving all the love and affection that I fucking deserve, to some bastard that sweet talked her for months. I work with this woman, I hear her giggle all day, I hear her laugh, my life is hell.

But I'm learning from it. I'm gaining greater self control, I'm trying to be more positive, keep my mind on other things. Because I know, that by working on myself, and ignoring her. I will be a better person because of it. My positivity will actually attact others. I just have to get there, one day at a time. People say time is all that will fix this, but it's really tough when 60% of that time is spent with her.

Best of luck to you.

Damn, I got carried away.

You will prevail. You will move on, you will find happiness. As cheesy as it all sounds, just stay true to yourself. In times like this, you are all you have to hold on to. But things change, every minute things change, you never know what's around the next corner. Smile more, be happy, say hi to people. The more you tell yourself positive things, the more positive you will become.

__________________
He who is void of virtuous attachments in private life is, or very soon will be, void of all regard for his country.
There is seldom an instance of a man guilty of betraying his country, who had not before lost the feeling of moral obligations in his private connections.
-Samuel Adams

Harshaw

I just went through the same thing not 20 minutes ago. Some people here might remember my posts from a few months ago. I stretched it out this long, it was torture.

Anyways, I think one of the most important things you can tell yourself is… <i> it is supposed to feel like this. </i> Ending a relationship is supposed to hurt. It is supposed to make you feel alone and unmotivated. If it didn’t, people would have more relationships than socks. The main problem I had with all I went through with Stephanie was, it all felt so damn wrong. I loved her (I still do), I had fought for her (she didn’t make it easy sometimes)… I put a damn lot into this relationship. Letting it end just seemed so wrong. Everything felt backwards and upside down. The hardest part of it all was how it felt. Then, I realized that is how it is supposed to feel. Think of this kind of pain as lines in a painting. It’s the lines that let you enjoy the shapes. If you didn’t have the lines, you couldn’t see the whole picture. Just remember that as with all things, <b> this too shall pass. </b> At the very least, take some time out from her. Don’t talk to her, I know it will be hard as she is in many of your classes, but take this time to make some new friends.

I’m sorry if everything I’ve just typed sounds kind of trite. But it’s been my experience that in this sort of situation, it always sounds that way. No one here has the magic bullet that will make you feel happy again. All we can do is tell you what helps us, and hope some of it will help you.

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This too shall pass.

shoe

What a mindfuck. Im going to update this story when i get back home..What to believe, what to decide..

shoe

So its been two weeks i havent spoken to her. Im just basicly ignoring her, not looking her way, not giving a shit etc. So she catches me up on msn and starts talking to me. She spews out a bunch of shit and it is apparent at that time that she is mad.

So apparently, she did give a shit, or so she says. She starts telling me that she gets mad/annoyed/enraged when she sees me ignoring her. I've read that about women but its the first time i've actually experienced it first hand. At that point i was finding this incredibly entertaining, hehe. So then she starts to tell me how important i am. That those 2 weeks have been the longest in her life, that she trusts me enough to have sex with me ( she is a virgin..), that she thinks im hot, that im the most important person in her life and apparently she has been talking about me alot these past 2 weeks as her friends keep saying she is "addicted" to me. She cant go on like this she said, and she cant start hating me for some reason. At this point im happy and thinking she is half bullshitting me. Your suffering ? Good for you , bitch. On the other hand, im thinking she is being honest. Maybe il renew the friendship..im not quite sure yet. Well whatever happens, these 2 weeks have given me a chance to put things in perspective.

Il keep this updated.