HFrankenstein

I'm not normally all emo like this, but this has been chafing my brain for a while now, and I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in this situation. There's gotta be someone on tfp, right?

Anyway, almost all of my problems start with either school, or a girl, (no, never a schoolgirl). This one started with a girl.

Needless to say, I'm crazy about her, etc. etc. etc., and I know she feels the same way about me. I just hadn't made a move just yet. At any rate, I imagine her feelings for me were her reason for telling me last week that she has about a year to live.

Meh...

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that she had the courtesy to tell me this when she could sense that I was getting ready to make a move (and I was), and even more moved that she trusts me enough to break this to me (outside of her family, I'm one of two people who knows). But damn did this ever mess up my head for a couple days. It was the most shocking thing I'd heard in a long time. I'm still losing sleep over it.

I'm 23 years old, graduating college, which is where I know her from, this May, and going off to grad school in the fall. She's only 20, which means that I'd be leaving without her. Were it not for this, I wouldn't have to think twice about pursuing a relationship with her. I know she doesn't want to die alone, and I don't want her to either. But if I were to get involved with her now, I wouldn't be able to be with her in the end, and she deserves someone who can.

Now, I could still try being with her until I leave. I know she'd like that, and I'd like it too, but I can't even imagine how hard it'd be for both of us when I have to go, knowing that it could be the last we see of each other ever again. On one hand, it could be some of the best months ever, but on the other hand, and I know this sounds selfish, I'd be going into it knowing that it'd bring me more pain than anything ever had in the end (BTW, my apologies to anyone who's gone through something so much worse as to make this seem childish.)

I still haven't made my decision, though I'm leaning towards backing off so she can find somebody else who won't have to leave. But this is still set in Jell-O.

Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you handle it?

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When in doubt, sauerkraut.

Candide

The heart wants what the heart wants. I have had a few friends, and a former lover pass away in my 40 years, as well as some very close family members. I have learned this for myself: death cannot be a reason to avoid doing something, it can only spur us on to not waste time.

I understand your ambivilance, HF - but is there not another course of action? How about being a loving friend and stay in contact with her until the end? Avoiding her (or more accurately, not pursuing a relationship) results in precicely the thing many people want to avoid: dying alone, and unloved.

Try this: if you were in her place, and she in yours, what would you want her to do?

A caveat: I hardly ever take my own advice, so please follow only your own sense of what is right in this.

HFrankenstein

That's actually more what I meant by not pursuing a relationship. No matter what the outcome, I want to be kept up to speed on everything, and if possible, be in the room when the time comes.

I can't really say what I'd want if I were in her place. I don't know what it's like to be dying (closest I've ever come was a near-fatal car crash when I was 18 months old that I don't even remember). I'm tempted to say that I'd prefer that she not get too attached to me, so it wouldn't hurt so much when I pass on, but to wit, I'd really have to have a bullet wedged between the vertebrae in my neck to say for sure.

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When in doubt, sauerkraut.

denim

Life is life. Live it or lose it. Actually, you'll lose it either way, but you might as well live what you've got. You want regrets for what you didn't do? The negative things will happen no matter what, from what you've said. How 'bout giving yourself a chance for positive memories?

If you don't play, you can't win, and all of that.

Litespeed

My best friend's name is Angel.
She passed away a couple of years back. maybe five years now. crazy thought that it was so long ago. seems like yesterday.

My friend Tim didn't know that she was going to die when they fell in love. He wouldn't let her break up with him when she found out her health was quickly deteriorating. He stood beside her through the end, even after her parents gave up on her.

Love her however she needs to be loved. Give her all your heart you possibly can. You will only be stronger for it in the end.

ApexgriN

Personally, if I were interested in a serious relationship before, this information would only make that stronger. While I can't relate to your situation, if I were you, I'd show her just how strong my love could be for someone. I would skip those few months of school in order to make her as happy as possible all the way to the end. She'll appreciate it while she's part of our world and beyond. Sure, it will hurt. But you have the chance to fulfill a very important (the most important?) part of someones last year. If you skip that chance, I think you would regret it. I would give 110% to her, and I know she would give it back.

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apexGrin

World's King

My sister was with this great guy for about two weeks before they found out he had lung cancer. She stayed by his side for two years until he passed away.

It's hard to invest time in something that you know you will never be able to finish. Human are just that selfish some times. But we know that the everyday battles that we win will always outweigh the overall war. It's true. It's always the little things that make us happy. A good cup of tea with a good friend... stuff like that. Do what makes your heart happy. In a world that wants to fuck us in the ass with a shoehron when ever possible... doin' what makes are heart happy is all we got left.

If she means as much to you as you say. Stick by her side in anyway you can till the end. It will be better then any type of serious relationship you could ever have. Good Luck.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

*Nikki*

The only difference in your relationship with her and everyone elses relationship is that you KNOW when she will die.

Would it make you love someone less if you didn't??

Rodney

You say because you're going to have to leave, you think it may be better to let her find somebody else. Well, who says she's going to? I'd say you sound like a great guy, but will she find another like you in the time she has left?

Put it to her, just the way you put it to us, and see what she says. After you leave, you can still stay in touch. And there's Christmas break and Thanksgiving, after all.

sillygirl

Think of it this way... if you DON'T stay by her side, or DON'T do what your heart says, you'll be left with a regret later, wondering what would have happened. It's always better to know than to wonder, in my opinion....

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

HFrankenstein

Shit, what was I thinking? You guys are right. Thanks a lot.

Who'da thought TFP was good for something other than porn?

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When in doubt, sauerkraut.

bermuDa

I won't ask what she has, but I'll just relay this story to you:

When I was about 5 my parents had a friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer and given 6 months to live. To show support for her, my parents put our family on the Macrobiotic Diet since she didn't think she could do it alone. That was 15 years ago, and she's still alive today. Check out the kushi institute site for more information.

As far as being with her, would you rather be with her and be sad, or not be with her and have regrets and still be sad? Go for it

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raeanna74

That would be a tough decision. Having been close to loosing my husband I know I would be glad to have known him for the time I did. The Dr's may give her a year but so often people can thwart that and live much longer. Don't go into it thinking about the future. Just know that she did care that you know so she cares about you. Don't be afraid of the hurt - just prepared - and cherish the love you two could share in the short time. I'm sure this will be a rollercoster ride but you will learn so much, and love and see so much beauty from allowing yourself to get close - even as just a friend if that be the case. Take the leap and stick around. Then go off to college when you need to knowing that you filled a needed spot for someone who needed love.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

PorscheBunny

Is it feasible for you to put your plans on hold for one year, go to grad school in Fall '05 instead?

You can resume your college career in a year. She doesn't have that option.

taylorspl

Also consider that a doctor's guess isn't worth 2 shits in my book. I'd go for it you can always goto school later or even locally.

asterjolly

if *i* were this girl, i would rather have love again for a few months and then die alone than have no love again at all. and sure, *maybe* i could find someone who could be with me longer, but maybe not. id rather not take that chance.

seize the day, no one is promised tomorrow.

mr_mcrafe

I agree completely with Asterjolly. Do what you can to make her last year the best it can be.

Minx

Exactly! If I knew a loved one only had a certain amount of time left I would want to spend as much time as possible with them. To fit in a lifetime of love into the time remaining. You have the choice to be happy for a short time or to always regret not taking that step.

It's a sad situation to be in, that is for certain. But grasp what happiness you can while it's here. You will be able to create memories that you can cherish once she is gone.

My heart goes out to you, regardless.

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You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!

gilada

Hell, for all you know, she'll beat that 1 year prediction. She might keep going for years. Just live life at it comes.

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thespian86

This is just me:

Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. You might have to put yourself in a hard position if you truly like or potentionly love this girl then you might have to step up anyways.

Yes this girl has been told she is going to die. My grandfather was told he was going to die in six months 5 years ago. Yes, i agree man, it would be tough to be together but love is a hard thing to obtain, so you should take it anyway you can, especialy if it is true love. Corny? Yes it most certainly is, Romantic? Yes, a walk to remember style.

Go for it. If you really love her.

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micah67

My heart goes out to you and her; I can only imagine what it must be like to have to deal with this.

I am a romantic and I'm like many here who want to say "go for it." "Better to have loved and lost..." etc. But that's easy for me to say, imagine, and think about here on the other side of the Internet. I haven't been through anything remotely similar to this and can only tell you what my heart says. Reality often is different and it usually sucks.

I know that regardless of what ever decision you make, it seems she has already touched you in a way that you will never forget.

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~micah

:::OshnSoul:::

I would say- Act in the Now. Do what your heart tells you. If you wish to make the best of the time with her, it may be an incredible experience, even if painful in the end.
That is what she may need and want to experience. Talk with her.
I know that getting involved when you know that she could die (let's not give our hopes up) the experience of your relationship may be what she longs for before she leaves.
Just talk with her about it and see if just living in the now and making the best of what you have and *living like there's no tomorrow*.
If not, you could at least have a powerful, meaningful relationship that she may also want.
Most of all, just be there for her. Put her first.

nash

"Well son, the funny thing about regret is, that it's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done..."

It's a weird song to quote but it always stuck in my mind, and I feel that it's actually very good advice.

Tuffy_McGee

If you love her that's a special thing. If you can't postpone your education or your life to be with her then dont.
I wouldn't throw away something special, though.

Parkhurst

I really don't mean to offend here, but I feel that I should play devils advocate a little. While I think that all the noble feelings of duty are admirable they shouldn't form the basis of the relationship. I guess that what I am trying to say is that you should go into the relationship with your eyes open. There are worse things in life than having a loved one die. Like watching them suffer to the point where you wish that they would die so that they could be at peace. Worse yet would be the awful feeling of guilt that arises from such a realisation.

I can't comment on you as a person of course, and I wouldn't presume to know your heart or mind. However I think that you should only go into such a relationship if you really want to. You can't go into this because you feel that it is the 'right thing to do.' To not regret what wasn't done is one thing, but to regret having to watch someone die is quite another. There is always the chance that you may end up resenting the person that you are with and that opens up a whole new box of problems.

Also people who are dying can sometimes make demands on time that seem unreasonable to most. I would be wary of putting off my course to spend time with someone that has been given a year to live. What if they live longer (and lets hope that they do) and you have to put off the rest of your life again. I am not saying that you wouldn't do it gladly, but if it became a source of resentment how would you cope?

What if the relationship doesn't work out? Could you really tell her that it was over or would you try and stick it out until the end, which could make the both of you miserable.

These are just problems that might arise from such a relationship, which you should be thinking about. However that said I really don't mean to discourage you, just prepare you of some maybes. Perhaps I am a little over cautious here and you need not think about these issue, but the fact that you posted on the board makes me think that you would want to consider the whole picture.

The irony of the situation is that the best way to continue could be to go into the relationship as though nothing was wrong. Go away for your course, but expect to see the girl again, hopefully you will.

Apologies for the wispy tone of this post, but I don’t want to speak in absolutes when there are so many factors that I am not aware of.

I hope things play out well for you both, preferable better than expected.

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The unexamined life is not worth living.

HFrankenstein

Parkhurst, don't you dare apologize for that post. That was probably the most sound-minded advice given so far. Everyone else has been letting their emotions take over.

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When in doubt, sauerkraut.

denim

Some of us feel that there are times to let emotions take over, and this may be one of those.

Paq

Been there, it hurts, but in my case, we were together and her doctor was wrong. she had 14-16 months to live, we were together for those but instead of getting worse, she actually got a bit better and better. We ended up splitting ways afterwards and she's still alive and well now. I'm not saying i helped her in any way or that she overcame whatever, but i am saying that knowing that she wouldn't be there later and knowing that everyday may be the last i spend with her really made the relationship a wonderful experience. Even if she passed away, i would still feel that way bc i gave my heart to someone who really needed it at the time. i've lost friends and it's tough, but through all this, i've found that you really have to treat everyone yo'ure close to as if it were going to be the last time you would see them. It really brings things into perspective bc it really could be....

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Live.

Chris

Paq

ah, and yes, i definitely let my emotions take over, but that's just me. I'm pretty smart and normally make rational decisions, but i've done many things bc my heart tells me to and while it has sometimes caused me pain, it has never lead me wrong...

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Live.

Chris

denim

Another thing which occurred to me, and this is way demented, is that she told you about her impending death to see if you'd desert her or hang around.

analog

He already said he wanted to be with her, so that's not an issue. The heart is already there.

That being said, I have an anxiety problem... I think if I were to stay with her, I'd have an anxiety attack that lasted the length of the rest of her life, but....

Dying alone... without love... is the saddest thing I can ever think of. Cherish your time together in a way few other couples can... you know how much time you have to share each other's love.

gigawatz

My thoughts exactly.

Your right that is demented, but I'd hope that is not the situation.

blockmaan2000

An old saying comes to mind. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.


block

Scorpion23

I know a lot of people here have given advice on what to do, and I'm afraid I can't give a novel idea that no one's come up with before. But here's my take on it.

I'm in my first year of grad school and my gf is still an undergrad, so I understand that part completely. You don't say where you're from or where you're going, but leaving doesn't have to be the end. My gf and I are 6 hours apart now, but we see each other on web cams everynight and try to visit in person at least every two weeks. More if possible.

Now I really don't even want to think about what would happen if she told me she was going to die, but I can tell you that I would do even more to be with her as much as possible. While I don't think that putting off entry into grad. school is really an option, for many reasons cited in other posts, that shouldn't stop you two from having a meaningful relationship. At least you're lucky enough to get a summer with her before you go off.

In closing, if you're going to do it make sure it's for the right reasons. And I hope that the both of you will be able to spend a very long time together.

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"Empirically observed covariation is a necessary but not sufficient condition for causality" - Edward Tufte

amonkie

As several have said, no one is granted tomorrow. After a few experiences in my own life, I try to live everyday with that thought in mind. For me personally, the biggest parts of my life are my family and the people I love. School, work, and all that other stuff is just fillers and create ways that I can interact with people. I do realize, however, not everyone feels this way. If you feel drawn to spend time with someone as a result of a __ months to live, you will have to make sacrifices of your time and energy that might otherwise not exist. If you feel that you can put off going to grad school to spend time with her without becoming resentful of it, you should do it. If you can't, find ways to show her you care. In fact, sometimes staying in touch with the real world can give people motivation and strength to defy those life ending predictions. It could be possible that you could go to grad school, and keep her inspired about the life of the living with the experiences and stories you share with her.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna