Weasel

Me and my girl, we got this relationship.
I love her so bad but she treats me like shit.
--Sublime, “Doin time”


Thats what i thought about while i was writing this.


[history]-you don’t have to read this part, it’s just for background.

I met my girlfriend online.. When we met, she lived very far away.

When I first started talking to her, I wasn’t even planning on it becoming anything romantic. Actually, she initiated talking to me.

As we continued to talk, we really hit it off, becoming good interweb friend and realizing that we ting a lot alike.

She lived in the Eastern Time zone and I am in the west.

She would go out to the bar, and get home just as I was getting home from work. She’d be al drunk, and we’d talk, and it would be all cute.

I didn’t see her drinking as a problem, because at the time, I was drinking a couple nights a week with my roommate, I saw this as another thing we had in common.

Well, we ended meeting in real life at a large interweb gathering. I was still going in to this not thinking that anything romantic would come of it. She *did* say that the only reason she was coming was to see me, but she was coming with her boyfriend, so I just kinda took it as her just saying nice things.

Well, the meet happened and we had a grand time. She ended up ditching her boyfriend early in the night and spending it all with me. I was flabbergasted by the fact that she was lovin on me. I was happier then I had ever been.

After the meet ended, she came back to the place I was staying at and spent the night in my arms. Again, happiest I have ever been.

The next day I had to fly home, and it was so painful to say goodbye. We held hand all the way to the airport and my thoughts were all over the place. When we finally got there, her Boyfriend was there to meet her, so I was all nervous. We hugged, and said goodbye.


When I got home, we resumed our normal IRC chatting, only this time, we were falling in love.

We decided that she could move out here and live with me, I bought a plane ticket and she came about a month later.

[/history]


Well, it all started out great. She was really shy, and I had a hard time introducing her to my friends, but I figured that would pass.

I bought some beer and liquor to celebrate, but she didn’t really want to drink. I think she had 1 beer.

Since then, every time I say that I might wanna drink, or suggest that we drink together, I get totally hated on. She will give me the silent treatment go into to total bitch mode. She has only drank once, and that was on new years eve….. She wouldn’t even drink with me, she was talked in to it buy another friend I had over for the party.

I could deal with the drinking thing though, I would quit drinking completely if she wanted me too, I just worry that she totally changed from who she was.

The other thing that worries me is he attitude. She was always sweet and nice to me in irc, on the phone, and in real life at the meet. But after she had been here a few weeks, her attitude seemed to have gone down the drain. Since some time efore Christmas, I cannot remember one 24 hour period that has transpired that she has at least once done or said something totally bitchy to me. I say Christmas, because that day I was really thinking that it wouldn’t happen, until it did.

She won’t talk to me about what bothers her, she just starts pouting and gives me the silent treatment. If I ask what’s wrong, she says “nothing”. I have been in a lot of relationships, and I am very good at communication, but communication is a 2way road.

She won’t make any decisions, she expects me to figure everything out. She puts the responsibility of figuring out what we are gunna do everyday on me, I hafta decide what we are gunna have for dinner everyday. Sometimes I feel more like a babysitter then a boyfriend.

She expresses a lot of interest in cooking, but in the last 2 months, she has cook once, maybe twice? She has me buy her cookbooks, and then says she wants to cook something, but won’t pick anything, she makes me pick.The other day, I suggested over 10 things outta there before she agreed on something. Then when we were at the store buying the ingredients, she decided that she didn’t want to cook.

The situation that made me decide to write this happened last night.

Our power was out due to a winter storm. We spent the day at my parents, because they have power, and she really likes them.

When we got home we started a fire, it was kewl. She spent most of her time sitting right up next to it, staying warm and trying to read a bit. I couldn’t really sit right by it for long, but I did for a while.

I asked her if she wanted some champagne to go with our romantic, firelight evening, nd she said yes. Well, until I started opening the bottle, then she changed her mind.
So I opened it anyway and drank some myself.
Everything was pretty good for a while, then my roommate came home and suggested we drink some liquor to warm us up.
This sounded like a good idea to me, so we did some shots.
After that, she totally shut me out. She wouldn’t look me in the eye, if I tried to put my hand on her knee, she would swipe it off. I ask for a kiss and got denied.

I don’t do well with rejection, so I went up to sit on the couch, while she sat by the fire.
It sure was cold on the couch.

Eventually, she went to the bedroom, got a blanket and a pillow and laid down by the fire.
After she had laid there a while, I assumed she was asleep and I also went to get a blanket and a pillow. I laid awake on the couch for a while then nodded off.
I woke up to the power coming back on, and he wasn’t on the floor by the fire.
I went to the bed room and found her on the bed. She was either asleep of still ignoring me, but I told her I loved her and got no response.
I went back to sleep for a while on the couch, then moved into the bedroom where I was still ignored.

I couldn’t sleep, all I could do was thing about all the things that she does that hurt me.
That’s when I had the thought to write this.

I got up after laying there for a while and came out here. (living room)

She got up shortly after me and sat down next to me and got on her laptop. I didn’t want to write this in front of her, so I just surfed around, checking forums & IRC.

I decided to take a shower after seeing a post of hers on a forum that we both post at. The post was bitching about how she had to sleep on the floor and in the freezing bedroom. It made me really depressed, because i felt like I could do nothing right. In fact, she very often makes me feel that way. She had made no interest in being on the couch with me, and had appeared to be fully asleep on the floor by the fire, yet she gets all pissed at me

After I got out of the shower, she was back in our bed. I said hi and asked if she was tired. She responded with, “no, I’m just in bed because I am bored and there is nothing to do, are we gunna do anything today?” I responded with, “I dunno, let me know if you think of anything” and walked out of the bedroom back here to the living room and started writing this.


I don’t know what to do. I spend virtually every waking hour trying to make her happy, and she never is. I love her, and when she is nice to me it’s the most wonderful feeling ever.

I know I’m not codependent, I was single for 5 years before getting together with her. I have really high standards and decided a long time ago not to settle down with anyone that isn’t totally perfect for me. I had a little list of prerequisites in my head that got revised after every girl I dated.

This girl fits them all, except for the way she treats me.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone that is hating one me 80% of the time and only lovin 20%

I need your advice.

numist

well, the alcohol related shotouts could have been avoided if you had taken the subtle hint and not drank. When Im with my g/f, I dont drink at all, one of the things she likes is that I protect her.

As for the posts about sleeping on the floor etc, perhaps she has a need to complain? I know of a few people who complain about anything and everything they can.

Overall though, I cant really help, sorry, but I hope that people after me can offer some insight.

AfterBurn

Very interesting problem..I think she maybe having second thoughts about the whole thing and thats why she gives you the silent treatment? Maybe she was looking for an invitation to sleep with you on the couch? I think she still likes you though because if she didn't she would probably move out and give you 0% love instead of 20%. And as numist said, quit drinking around her it's pretty obvious she doesn't want to see you drinking.

__________________
smoking weed everyday keeps the doctor away

googleplex

I think this is actually such bullshit. I feel for you man.

I don't understand for the life of me why she has started acting the way she is.

You say she used to drink, but now doesn't...that's odd.
You say she used to cook, but now doesn't...that's odd.

The fact that she doesn't talk to you ever about her problems, but then has the audacity to post the problems on the internet to complete strangers, to me, would raise some alarms.

It seems like you're a good guy, and you're trying to make things work.

It also seems that she's not willing to make things work, and she has become dependant on you. (asking you to make all the decisions)

If I were you, I would tell her to smarten up, or it's over.

I wouldn't put up with this bullshit. Life's too short to just 'settle' on somebody.

Do what makes you happy.

AfterBurn

This is actually very suspecious, and as googleplex stated, it sounds as if she's becoming dependant on you and is enjoying the luxaries of living with you but may acctually not even like you. I say this because when I get to know someone but then I stop liking them for some reason I do as she did because I'm way too nice to just tell the person I'm not interested.

Sorry if my grammer is bad, I hope all made sense. My main language is actually French.

__________________
smoking weed everyday keeps the doctor away

googleplex

Yeah, she swiped your hand away?

No offence Afterburn, I can understand if you're too nice for the confrontation...


But is this girl 12 years-old? I mean c'mon!

AfterBurn

I don't understand what do you mean?

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smoking weed everyday keeps the doctor away

gibingus

bad sign one: she dogged her boyfriend out to be with you. even if you were on the upside of that sitch, it is a sucky thing to do to someone... and she'll do it again, and it will be you the next time.

bad sign two: her life was so whacked that she was willing to bail it completely and move into yours on short notice. even worse, you had to pay for the ticket.

bad sign three: she has schizo-booze issues. generally, those fall under the low self-esteem category - that category would also explain her affection hostage holding practices. has she got a history of sexual abuse?

she sounds like a leechy headgamer who doesn't know her own head yet. you sound like someone who has their shit more or less together. you deserve someone who has got their mental house in order, and there are plenty of those fish in the sea. most of them carry their own weight, too.

don't give her any ultimatums, they never work. go clean, break clean, be firm and be cool. i hope that ticket wasn't one way.

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if everyone is thinking alike, chances are no one is thinking.

skysooner

Gibingus is right on with this. Why you would want to be with someone who would ditch her "boyfriend" like this on short notice is beyond me. There is a truism in life and that is people generally don't change. How she treats others when there is nothing to gain is generally how she probably is. She sounds exactly like my ex-girlfriend who was manic-depressive. She could be so sweet and sexy and an absolute bitch the next. I was her second sexual experience (she was 28 and I was 24), and she instigated it in a public hot tub when noone else was round. This was so incredibly hot. She lived with her elderly mom in a town about an hour away. I asked her to come and stay with me one night on a weekend. She said she hoped I wasn't just inviting her down for sex. That should have been a red flag for me. We went to dinner, had a nice conversation and ended up in bed. I tried to kiss her, and she basically said that she knew this was why I had invited her down (WTF?). We weren't together much longer after that. We didn't even officially break it off. We just kind of stopped talking to each other. Break it off clean and quick or have a sit down talk like you have never talked. This needs to be aired immediately or you are in for worse heartbreak. You are already on the right road by knowing that something needs to be done.

analog

Well, did you ever wonder that instead of trying to change her BACK, you should first find out what caused it?

We have the following bits of info:

1. She now shuns alcohol altogether, where before she ENJOYED it.
2. She HAD a boyfriend.
3. You THINK she left her previous boyfriend to be with you.
4. She could pick up and go out of NOWHERE, on a month's notice.
5. She now pushes away from you when you drink.

When you look at the big picture, it's easy to overlook important clues.

I think what happened, based on EVERYTHING you have outlined for us about her state of mind BEFORE she got to be with you, and to now, when you're together, is this:

I think that she was raped, or greatly physically abused in some way. I think that it involved lots of alcohol, both on her part AND (more importantly) on the part of the aggressor, and I believe it was perpetrated by her now-ex boyfriend. Why else would she now shun it so much? She thinks getting drunk made her vulnerable, and that's why it happened. She also likely belives that if she allows you to drink, the same thing will happen again, and she doesn't want that, obviously.

If she's such a nice person as you say, and I believe it when you say it, then the only thing to make her quickly run away from her place in the time frame of a month would be something as horrible as a rape or abuse by her previous boyfriend.

Stop drinking in front of her. Don't bring up drinking or ask if she wants to go someplace to drink.

You should honestly confront her about the change. Tell her you noticed that she used to drink and now she hates it, and doesn't like when you do either. Have a sit-down about it, and keep the pace slow and steady. Keep it in the vein of helping the one you love, not prodding for information. Ask her specifically if something happened to cause that to change, or if she just doesn't like it anymore.

Don't expect an answer. Since she's not mentioned it, she's obviously not comfortable talking about it just yet, and you shouldn't force it, either.

Of course, this is all just the theory I have put together, based on available information, and the only reason I posted this "theory" is because it seems to be- to me- the only possible explaination.

I think something bad happened. I think she's now scarred by it.

YES, that will make her drastically more co-dependant. YES, it explains her seemingly "irrational" behavior and coldness towards you when you drink.

The only problem is... depending on when this happened... it may mean she escaped to you.... and didn't really go to you just to be with you.... sort of a "rebound" type of thing.

I'm hoping that this all came to be because she was breaking up with him- to be with you- and he snapped on her, so she's actually come to be with you and not just to flee him.

Best of luck to you, and again- it's just my gut feeling, so don't take it as law, ok?

This is one of those times i'm pretty sure i'm right, but at the same time I'd hate to be right about this...

lurkette

Word to Gibingus.

Looks like you jumped into this a little soon and ignored TONS of flashing red lights - it may be time to take a little break from each other and get to know the "real" her (not the IRC, "looking-for-a-way-out-of-my-boring-life-oh-look-there's-someone" her) before you decide whether you still want to be with her. You've got this idealized person in your head that you want her to change "back" to - sorry, dude - this is the real thing, and the idealized person is a fantasy. Caveat emptor (buyer beware). (Anyhow know how to say "lover beware in Latin?)

Best of luck, but looks like you got yourself into a nice mess with a psycho.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

cas305

Wow weasel get out your credit card becasue you are getting about $100 hour advice here! They make some really good points. The thing is if you can't get her to talk to you about what is bothering her then it is never going to work. You need to just lay it on the line so you guys can work on building a better relationship or move on. Hope it works out for you but either way seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and will rebound regardless.

Prince

Wow. That is some shitty situation. I've to admit I came to the same conclusion as analog and Gibingus.

Whatever the case may be, don't subject yourself to her whims too long. I don't hear much "love" in the way she's treating you. Go to the source for the reasons why.

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Who is John Galt?

gibingus

oh, how long have i waited to see those words in print!

lurkette, you made my day.
i believe caveat takes the jussive form, which would make it

caveat amator

but it's been a lot of years, so i could be off in my declension.

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if everyone is thinking alike, chances are no one is thinking.

uptown

Has it occured to you yet that this young woman might have a problem with alcohol and that perhaps in a sober moment or two she's been reflecting on the sudden and erratic lifestyle changes she's made that have been brought about due to her drinking?
There's also the possibilty that she doesn't like the people either of you become while drinking?

nanofever

I think analog had some spot-on analysis.

On a totally unrelated side note, since new year's I can't even look at alcohol without wanting to wretch. It was the first time I ever got really drunk and yuked and now I can't even imagine drinking.

*had a fun, followed by a VERY unfun new years*

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I'm leaving for the University of California: Santa Barbara in 5 hours, give me your best college advice - things I need, good ideas, bad ideas, nooky, ect.

Originally Posted by Norseman on another forum:
"Yeah, the problem with the world is the stupid people are all cocksure of themselves and the intellectuals are full of doubt."

Toecutter

Im gonna lay it on the line with ya, just like everyone else has. RUN!!! RUN !!! Run like never before, Run like your life depends on it (it does actually). You've got yourself "a live one" here! This person is unwilling and unable to contribute anything worthwhile to this "relationship". She is unable and unwilling to take care of her own issues and the issues in your guys' relationship, it's high-time to take care of yourself and move on. Rack it up to experience, cut your losses and get out.

Shades

I'm with everyone else. Have a talk with her, but don't expect much out of it. You are not responsible for her, so if it doesn't go well in one talk, you need to get out fast.

AfterBurn

Keep us updated if you can, I'm wondering how this turns out.

__________________
smoking weed everyday keeps the doctor away

Weasel

Well, since i wrote the first post, everything has been -pretty- good.

she still is bad at communication, she doesn't tell me what she doesn't like, she just pouts and expects me to read her mind.

I think that things will work out in the long run, she's just really moody.

scarab77

Sounds like someone who either has no communications skills whatsoever or no desire to communicate with you. Either way, continuing the relationship is unlikely to make it any better.

My advice: buy her 1 more plane ticket - one-way back home.

There are lots of great women out there!

kulrblind

I have to agree with those who've advocated opening the lines of communication at all costs. Really, the only way to get back to the way you used to be (pre moving-in, pre-rut, pre-mindgames, pre-passive-aggressiveness) is to really level with her. Obviously you care enough to try just about anything to make it work, and you're quite upset about the developments thus far.

Sounds to me like she's using the whole "i'm mad, don't you know why?" scenario as a power-getting tool. As long as she's pissed and you're reacting, she's got the control. Also, as long as you're making the decisions, she's free to be pissed off about them because she's not getting exactly what she wants (even if she's making YOU make the decisions).

In the end, you both have to figure out if you're getting what you want from the relationship. For her, she has to come to grips that she may not be in the same relationship she thought she would be in, prior to moving to be closer to you. For you, the realization is whether or not this is the girl you thought she was. In the end, you haven't failed if it doesn't work out. People are often different online than they are in real life - this is something humanity is constantly learning.

Best of luck, though. While I hate to see things not work out as planned, I'd rather see two happy people make the right decision (no matter what that is).

Do keep us posted.

Weasel

Everything had been going pretty well sine the first post of this thread. I don’t think she has gone more then 24 hours with out saying something super bitchy or rude to me, but for some reason, I am able to work through that.


Then last night happened.

Wee go to bed around 11:45 cuz she is “tired”.

I had to take a shower, so I hopped in as she got ready for bed.

When I got outta the shower, I expected her to be asleep, but to my surprise, she was awake.

I said that I had to run out to the computer for a second, and then I’d be right back. She said that if I wasn’t back in 5 minutes, we weren’t having the sex0r.

A little background on this part: I got fed up with her not sending me any signals about weather she wanted to have sex or not before. One night, it went as far as the insertion point and then she said “why are you making me do this?” I had no idea that she wasn’t in the mood, she had giving me no signals at all, infact, I thought by her body language, she was in to it. When she said that, it made me feel like a rapist, and I decided not to initiate sex again for a while, but to let her do it.

Back to last night. It was 12:14 when she said “be back in 5 mins.” I joked with her about the time for a wee bit, since she had her contacts out and couldn’t see the clock. It’s very possible that I left the room at 12:15.

When I got back to the room, it was 12:20. She said it was “too bad” that I was a minute late, and I didn’t protest, due to the prior feeling that I will not initiate it.

Well, I get in bed and I turn off the lights. She makes a comment about me “sucking at the cuddling” which I assume is her was of telling me to cuddle. So I put my arm around her. She then proceeds to make holding her very difficult, by moving around at least once every 2 mins.

Finally, she takes my hand an throws it off. I ask her why she did it, and she replies with only a grunt. I say something like “lost the ability to communicate?” and she grunts again. Then I say, “Why did you throw me hand off you?” just all straight up like that, she mumbles, “I don’t know”.

At this point, I roll over away from her and prepare to just fall asleep.

she continues laying there for a while, still tossing and turning occasionally, and then sits up, pulling all the covers off me. I again ask why she did that, and she said, “I was hot”.
I roll over again, and try to relax. By this point I could feel a major anxiety attack coming on. (I have problems with them).

Then she starts crying.

I can’t hear her actually “cry”, but she is sniffling a lot. She goes to the bathroom, doesn’t turn the light on when she goes in there, and blows her nose. She stays in there for a while.

When she came back to bed, my anxiety attack was in full swing, I could almost barley breath. I laid there for a while trying to relax, but finally decided I had to get up and get my mind off it. So I went downstairs and started a Gentoo Linux install

This morning she didn’t acknowledge the alarm, she just laid there. She didn’t acknowledge any time I rubbed her shoulders or told her I loved her.
Even when I left for work.

Aladdin Sane

She's immature, unstable, and angry.

Send her back to where she came from.

It sounds like she is without any kind of anchor in her life. Where are her friends and family? Why was she so quick to leave her home?

About the alcohol: Perhaps she grew up in an alcoholic home. Perhaps she is fearful that you might be an alcoholic. Do you drink alot?

The bottom line is that you've got to move her back to her city so that you can get on with your life.

I don't mean to be hurtful or disrespectful, but you should examine your own judgement in having her move in with you.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

Aladdin Sane

And since this is the forum on sex, one more thing: How is sex with her? Anything unusual or unexpected in the bed?
Perhaps she was abused.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.