mixedmedia

This was inspired by a blog entry, but I didn't want to sully up someone's personal space with a discussion.

I am framing it as a gender issue, but I am aware that it might not be. I welcome contributions from men and women to help shed some light on this particular bit of break-up advice.

Do men really feel ready to fuck someone else immediately after breaking up? Or is it something you feel you have to force yourself to do? Like a rite of passage of some sort?

Just curious, because I don't understand it. I've just broken up with someone recently and I don't feel 'unsexy' or not horny (to the contrary, actually) but I don't feel like having sex with someone just for the sake of having sex is going to make me feel any better, either. It's not going to make me feel like I am moving on. It's not going to speed up the process of becoming 'neutral' about it.

So please tell me, frankly, Have you ever had break-up sex?
What does 'break-up sex' do for you - physically and/or psychologically?
How does it help you move on? Does it help?
And what motivates it - spite? anger?...or something more complicated, like grief?

And be honest, please, I promise not to get judgmental and pissy. I'm really just curious, since it seems to be a pretty pervasive idea.

Thanks.

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PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Borla

I think part of the response someone feels correlates directly to how long, and/or how serious, the relationship they are leaving was.

I've been married for almost 13 years (wow, didn't think I was that old ), and am pretty happily married at that. If something drastic happened soon, I don't think having sex with someone else would be the first thing on my mind. But I would also say that, even after all those years of monogamy, sex still isn't just a physical act to me. So I'm sure that impacts the way I think I'd feel about it.

But I can easily see how someone who was either already distanced emotionally, hadn't been fully invested, was already unhappy in the relationship, or who was angry at the other person, would have that mindset.

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mixedmedia

Thanks for responding, Borla. I isolated this sentence from your post because it brings up a relevant point. Often in these situations, it is an idea being proposed to the person breaking up - as advice - as if it is something they have to do to move on even if they don't particularly feel like it. But what the person can expect to gain from it is never explained.

And I would like to add that recent conversations here only inspired this thread because I have heard this advice repeated over and over again, not only in conversation, but in popular culture, as well - movies, tv, music. It's a pretty pervasive idea. So I am not singling out anyone here in particular for suggesting it. In case anyone is wondering.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Cynthetiq

I'd love to have break up sex, casual sex, end of the world sex, and other non-committal type sex, but for the life of me I just can't deal with the mental and emotional issues that come up for me.

It's the farthest thing from my mind.

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jewels

For me, it's pretty much like cyn said. I once tried to have "spite" sex, but couldn't get into it and it made me more miserable. I need to get past the broken relationship first.

This may be somewhat judgmental, but it seems that it's sort of a macho thing to help SOME guys move on by reinforcing the idea I've heard from certain men that one hole is as good as another. I realize that statement is disgustingly sexist and it's definitely not mine, nor is it that of all men, but I've had some frank conversations with quite a few men (in their 30s and up) who've basically said they'd fuck just about anyone, given the opportunity.

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G~man

I think it either depends upon ones age or the relationship one is coming out of.

In my younger years, when relationships did net seem as important as they are now, I would not think twice about it. I also did not run out and have sex as soon as a relationship ended. I did move on quickly though.

These days, nope, would not want to go out and have sex....although I think I have finally found my "soulmate" and hopefully we will never break up.

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snowy

I've done the break-up sex thing, and so have many of the girlfriends I had in college. It seemed to be a rite of passage--you break up with a dude, you have a one-night stand, and you feel better because you've proved that you're still desirable and attractive.

In my case, the guy I chose for my break-up sex was a guy who was my friend's roommate. He was notorious for going after lots of girls and I figured it was worth a shot. He was surprised when I didn't want much to do with him afterward. My friend said, "I don't think he was expecting to get used the way he uses girls!"

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Zeraph

I don't do it, and I don't understand it (this is coming from a male).

mixedmedia

interesting. so for you it was a way of repairing the hole blown into your self-image after a break-up. I can understand that, I suppose, but I think there is a 'stage of life' factor playing into it, too. I never had a free young adult period - I was married and having babies about the time most people my age were starting college. So I missed out on the experience of relationships that were never meant to be thought of as 'lifelong.'

Most people here seem to agree that there is a difference - that it depends on the relationship and how deeply you were attached to that person. And, in no little way, whether you were the dumper or the dumpee.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Lindy

I've done it. It's kind of like putting the seal on the envelope, saying 'OK, that's over. I've moved on.' And like Snowy says, proves that I'm still attractive and desirable. When I was younger, especially as a teen, I was pretty causal about sex. Not nearly as casual, much more selective now. Much less into the bar scene. That makes it harder to just go out and find somebody for a casual one nighter.
I think that men, in general, not all men, tend to be more casual about sex than women. Less true, maybe, with men as they get older. Also, I'm now 34 years old, and it looks more and more like most of the "good ones" of my age and older, are already taken.

Lindy

LordEden

I think it's kind of like snowy said, it's a "make yourself feel better", kind of thing.

For guys, I can see the "new pussy" aspect of it. It's kind of like having a hangover and drinking a beer to get over it. Hair of the dog. Just had "old pussy" burn you? Try "New Pussy"!

I think it helps guys get over their old fling/gf/wife by putting an image of a new girl in their mind.

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snowy

I think you're totally right about the 'stage of life' factor.

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StanT

It depends on the gender and personality, as well.

I'd be perfectly fine with break-up sex; but there's never been a overabundance of women that had a mutual desire to get naked with me.

GreyWolf

Before the breakup... no way would I be into that. Breaking up with someone is not a casual thing, and it carries an emotional toll that just doesn't make me even want to think about it. I'm not talking about a casual girlfriend I've had sex with a few times, I'm talking about a serious relationship. There's a sense of loss that just dampens my libido. It may not last long, but sex just isn't a priority for me. Sleep & solitude tend to come first (I want to lick my wounds).

Post breakup, I've been drug out of my shell by my friends and found myself actually interested in (& pursuing) a new girlfriend far faster than I had thought I would. And I've found my interest in sex to be much greater than I thought it would be were I left alone.

So... breakup sex? I've done it, but the reasons seem almost impossible to articulate. I'm not sure this makes sense, and should point out that all of this is WAY, WAY in the past, so my aging memory adds vagueness to the whole thing.

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LordEden

QFT. I never had breakup sex because I couldn't someone to bum uglies with me after a breakup.

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noodle

Honestly, after the breakups we've had, I wasn't the slightest bit interested in sex. Not to make me feel better about myself, not to show that I was over it... nada. I went into "don't anyone fucking touch me" mode. But, my situation has always been different.
I sorta pondered another guy once, but it turned platonic pretty quickly.

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Borla

Well, to answer your original question about if men feel ready, I'll tell you about a good buddy of mine. He is in his early 40s, average to slightly above average looking, makes just at $100-110k/yr with a stable career, he owns his own home, and was recently divorced. His wife of 7-8 years decided she wanted to be single again. No one cheated, the divorce was fairly drama free, but it was almost completely her decision. Everyone and their brother told him to go out and nail every woman that came along. To be honest, he almost has. I bet he's been through 12-15 casual partners in the last year, and a few more that he's sporadically seen with more regularity. I have met several of the girls, and most were physically attractive with relatively stable lives, so it's not like he's picking up random train wrecks at bars every weekend. Some are successful businesswomen around his age that are in very good shape, others have been girls 15 years younger than him that are physically attractive. He is also one of those guys that puts himself out there relentlessly (both in person, and through use of online dating sites) and doesn't get his feelings hurt if he's rejected, so he's had lots of chances. Combine that with his personal circumstances, relatively minor level of baggage (one daughter from a previous relationship that is 19-20 and lives on her own), and a decent personality and I'd suppose a lot of women would consider him a catch. A lot of guys would immediately think "now that's the life!!"

But through the whole thing he's made it clear to me that he'd be much happier still married, and that he didn't want to be divorced in the first place. I think, as it was touched on earlier, it's more a defense mechanism to prove one is still attractive and worthy more than a real desire to be with someone else. And while he's enjoying some temporary benefit to his circumstances, in serious moments even he will admit he's just making the best of a situation he'd rather not be in.

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Shauk

I've had many breakups, but never breakup sex.

Honestly I usually want to kick them in the head after the breakup begins. Not really sexual.

Buzz

Having been married for the last 26 years its hard for me to answer this one. But I could speak for my self and say I would not just go out and Nail everything in site. If it come my way well I would not pass it up.

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MrFriendly

I can't say that break up sex would be my particular brand of gin. But I can understand why a lot of people do it. Like others have said, it's an ego boost, and that's totally fine as long as you're not fucking any one around.

Myself, I grieve, I get over myself, I go about the business of doing the things that make me enjoy life.

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Scud1373

First I'll apologize if I'm retracing someone's steps as I only skimmed the above posts.

I had break-up sex with an ex who was my college girlfriend a few weeks after receiving a "Dear John" email. Physically we both had very active sex drives and justified it by saying "well, if neither of us if going to be getting any in the near future, let's have one more go." Emotionally for me anyway, it was more of a if she still finds me physically attractive, maybe she'll eventually take me back need. In hindsight it really made the breakup and "getting over" period much harder to process and accept.

Afterwards, I tried to have a slutty period when I could meet someone in a bar, take them home, get my rocks off, and then move on. But I've found that mentally, I'm just not wired for that kind of behavior. The emotional aspect of sex can be as, if not more so, rewarding than the purely physical aspect.

For me, emotion-free sex is what porn and fleshlights are for.

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Seaver

After a serious relationship... no it's not something that I want to do immediately after.

However, after 3-4 weeks or so I do believe there is a bit of truth in the saying, "the best way to get over him/her is to get under someone else". We can get caught in sadness cycle loops of being closed to new opportunities, which cause us to pine more for the ex because we have no one... which can be cyclical. Here is where good friends can help.

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Meditrina

I agree with the stage of life concept. When my marriage ended, I had 2 kids and I was 40. I decided to take a year to find myself and help my children deal with this. I was not interested in finding a new sex partner at the time. I needed time to refocus on myself and the children. I am glad I did not try to find a new partner immediately.

If I was much younger, and without children, I may have been more willing to find someone quicker.

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hunnychile

In the past, I always preferred Make Up Sex!!!

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Perplemushroom

I am recently divorced. My wife found her soulmate in one of her customers at work. So I got the "I love you but I am not in love with you" line dropped on me.

I don't get the "finding yourself" thing. I am 40 and know exactly who I am and what I enjoy. What I would like to find is a person compatable with me, that still believes in commitment and communication.

Casual sex is meaningless sex to me, might as well jerk off. So I have no desire to go through women like kleenex.

Willravel

Men really feel ready to fuck, period. I've had sex immediately after a break-up (the lady-friend was made well aware it was going to be a one-time thing), and, like every other time I've had sex, it relieved physical, mental, and emotional stress. Sex with someone you don't love isn't as meaningful, but it's still sex. It wasn't about moving on or getting back or anything but simple release.

I'm convinced that men and woman don't have the same experience during sex. Sure, we both feel pleasure and emotional connection and release, but based on discussions I've had, I don't think it's the same thing, and I think this topic highlights the difference. Let me put it this way: I could fuck an ugly woman I don't like at all when I'm not in the mood and it would be awesome. It's not that men don't get emotional about sex, but I'm not sure emotion is at the center of the act for men to the same degree it is for women. Would you (not just MM, but any TFP lady) have sex with an ugly man you don't like when you're not in the mood?

ring

I've had sex with people I found repulsive.
It was an acting out, of self loathing, anger & despair.

It was far from awesome. I'm glad it was a fleeting phase, decades ago.

mixedmedia

ugly on the outside? yes.
ugly on the inside? never.

I don't believe in absolutes, will, but I do believe that the experience of sex is significantly different for men and women in an emotional sense. Particularly when it comes to sex outside of a relationship. Now, I know there are women out there whose own experience defies that observation. And I'm not inclined to say that one attitude is better than the other. But for myself, I need to feel an intimate connection with someone to have sex with them.

That's not to say that I can't readily imagine that intimate connection happening spontaneously with someone I just met or someone whom I know but never considered the possibility of sex with before. It could happen, but it's not nearly as likely as the possibility that I could walk out the door tonight and find someone willing to have sex with me that I feel no connection with. Unfortunately or not, the latter holds no interest for me. I can get the release on my own, with no problem. And without the awkwardness of being in someone's house afterwards naked and not sure if it's rude to leave right away or not.

I guess there is a part of me that is permanently dysfunctional when it comes to casual sex. I've had very little experience with it.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Willravel

I don't think you're dysfunctional at all, MM. It's hardly scientific, but I've had this discussion before with both men and women, and most of the women are in the same boat as you.

Chumley

See, I always thought "break-up sex" was when you got it on with the person after you broke up with them -- the SAME person. Scud1373 is the only person in this thread that seems to be relating a story of that sort of thing. I've done it several times after several relationships, and it's not usually helpful in the long-term...

Anyway, that's clearly not what the OP is asking about. After a breakup, I have always been too busy licking my wounds and analyzing what went wrong over and over again, to think about having sex with a different woman. If someone came on to me, it might happen..... Now that I think about it, it's very rare that I dump someone, I'm not sure it's ever happened. Huh.

mixedmedia

yeah, I realized that the title was misleading when a couple of folks interpreted it that way - sex with your ex after breaking up.

But I kind of figured folks would at least read the OP and realize that I am talking about après-relationship casual sex with other people...I guess not

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce