hbombaby

So here's my dilemma:

I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for over 3 years. Last night he confessed something to me- that a while ago he went into my roommate's room when nobody was home, looked through her computer for nudes and jerked off right there to a few different topless pictures of her. He said he had done this nearly a year ago, tried it again after she got a new computer (but was unsuccessful) and had also gone through my other roommate's computer for topless pictures as well (again, unsuccessful)!

Maybe I should also mention this guy recently admitted to spending several months jerking off on Chatroulette nightly, and creating a secret skype when a girl he knew several years ago once offered to strip for him online (he initiated contact and cyber nudity twice...or so he says).

A few months ago he apparently realized he was treating me terribly by lying to me so much and wanted to come clean about EVERYTHING. Since then he has been admitting to a whole slew of awful things I never would have known about or suspected, besides what's stated above. It's still been difficult, but I've been trying to forgive him for it all because 1) He came to me with the truth, and told me about what I never would've known, 2) I recognize there were no emotional attachments or actual physical contact with any of these other situations, 3) Because what hurt most that was the betrayal of trust, the lies and the fact that he was sneaking around, and 4) Since being open and honest with each other we've felt close in a way we've never been able to before and for once we actually trust each other...well, he says he trusts me (go figure, he says he was always afraid I would cheat on him and was scared to really commit and trust me, but that was probably just the guilty paranoia talking in his head).

Now, I have no problem with porn, or masturbating, or knowing he found my roommates attractive, but I'm very hurt, and shocked by his blatant disregard of privacy. Did I mention both of these girls are HIS friend's girlfriends?! I'm horrified and disgusted by this because it seems like such a creepy perverted thing to do by going through their things, but also because he just couldn't act all of this out in his mind or maybe pick any other two girls in the world OTHER than my friends and roommates?

I should state we have a great, experimental, spontaneous sex life, and I know that this doesn't have anything to do with that and I appreciate that he told me, but it still hurts. Am I being absurd here or is this as messed up as I think it is? Or am absurd for staying with him? Please be honest, but not horribly harsh, I'm still a little hurt.

**Edit: The girl he knew several years ago initiated contact- she offered to show him her boobs, he didn't say no. She later offered to show more, he again didn't say no. On their last chat, she asked to see him, he didn't say no. Not that this information, really makes any difference.

levite

I say this with nothing but compassion and respect for you: ditch this guy.

In a separate thread, I once defended a guy's right to wank to pictures of his girlfriend's friends. But that was on the presumption that those pictures were freely given and shared by the friends in question, and he simply decided they made good wank material. I also believe in the right of a guy to get hard from whoever turns him on, and use their image as stroke fuel, so long as the image in question was taken with that person's knowledge and consent, and they consented for others to see it.

However, going into someone else's computer, snooping for pics, and having a voyeuristic wank at their expense is indefensible. That is utterly unacceptable behavior.

On top of that, this guy cheated on you. The fact that it was cyber doesn't make a difference. There is a difference, a boundary, a separation between looking at porn-- even if in the course of doing so, you stumble across a pic of someone you know and wank to it anyhow-- and initiating contact with any other person for the purposes of cybersex, or seeking out cybersexual contact with someone you know personally. This dude not only cybered casually with whoever he found on chatroulette, he created a secret skype to cyber with a girl he knew personally. I'm sorry, but in my book, that's cheating.

And the fact that he felt bad about it or what have you, and decided to confess rather than leave you in ignorance of his misdeeds does nothing, IMO, to ameliorate them.

There is nothing wrong with being horny. There's nothing wrong with looking at porn. There's not even anything wrong about fantasizing about people you know personally-- even if they're friends, even if they're coupled up with friends. But violating people's privacy for one's own sexual gratification, lying to one's S.O. about secret sexual activity...that is just wrong.

So wrong, in fact, that I don't know anything that would make me think that he's worth keeping. IMO, he has got to go, and you will be much better off without him.

I know that's hard to hear, and it would be hard to do. But life with anyone who would do those things, much less keep it secret for some measurable period of time...that's just not going to lead you anywhere good.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Plan9

Echo Levite.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

Echo....


Also, I'd like to point out that it's good that you forgive him, for both of you. However, I agree that you should move on.

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—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

genuinegirly

Aren't you glad he came clean? Now run. He made some massive mistakes.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Manic_Skafe

Wrong? Yes. Cheating? Maybe. He didn't stick his dick in anyone, it hurts less/differently than had there been physical contact because they're not the same thing - no sense in pretending that they are. Just as there's no sense in saying you two should be over and done without question as you're here clearly questioning it.

You're thinking about staying with him. Why is that?

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Plan9

Manic, you're not even a little concerned with the digging-through-other-people's-computers thing?

I mean, we beat the dead horse of "snooping" together so well in other threads, man.

Beating off to a Sears catalog in your grandma's bathroom... this is not.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Charlatan

Time to move on.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Manic_Skafe

What he did was, without question, morally reprehensible. Wrong.

With that said, I'm thinking asking the OP to explain why she sees so differently what most would consider to be pretty black and white would probably get a bit more mileage out of this discussion, bring about some actual understanding and maybe make the advice offered stick.

As well as playing devil's advocate, I'm thinking it might be too soon to define the op's experiences for her (even if that's what she's asking for.) I'm just listening.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Seaver

There's no excuse for that shit.

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"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

Plan9

Manic:

That's righteous-good for maintaining the conversation (thank you god) and I get that... I just see this thread in two distinct parts:

- Guy violating other people's very personal property (for whatever reason)
- Guy masturbating like whoa

The latter part doesn't worry me at all. The former part, however, does. That's just too much. Stay outta people's stuff.

That and when did crazy I-killed-a-hooker-here-is-her-driver's-license honesty become so popular in relationships?

Jesus, nobody can keep a secret anymore.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

snowy

Wow...yeah...ditch this guy.

Men are like streetcars...there's another one in five minutes. A guy that won't respect other people's privacy isn't worth it, period.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

greenisthename

Nothing to get you off like an honest creep.

__________________
"You have to want it, because it’s you. Because it’s all you are… Not for fame or money or anything like that. It has to be a part of you."

Craven Morehead

The guy is scum, too many occurrences to think this behavior will cease now that he's confessed. The invasion of privacy is an enormous issue. For the purpose of sexual satisfaction is beyond slimy.

If you stay with him at least you know what's ahead.

The_Jazz

I think that you should stay with him and have lots of children together. Obviously he's never going to do it again and will henceforth be the paragon of virtue. I mean he told you about all the bad shit that he was willing to tell you about (anyone else think that there's probably more that's unconfessed?) a whole year after he did it! Let's forget about those pesky repeated intimate and illegal violations of your roommates' computers! After all, he's a changed man! Go out and procreate!

Seriously, though, think about it. Is this the guy you want to father your kids? Do you want to grow old with him? Do you think he's had some sort of epiphany that will stop this sort of thing? Do you think it's more or less likely that he'll escalate his behavior?

I don't have the answers. You do. I am curious, though. If the answer is "no" to enough of the first 3, then you've got advice for that. If it's "yes", I'd like to hear more.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Cimarron29414

In a word, he's a deviant. Just based on what has been said, I too believe there was an awful lot unsaid. I have a feeling it is at a sociopathic level, which is bad, bad news. Reading the OP, all sorts of red flags were firing off. I wouldn't be surprised if he is stealing underwear and all that shit. I'm fast forwarding 20 years. You are married to him with a 17-year-old daughter and all her friends are coming over for a pool party... ~shivers~ Dump this guy...

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Plan9

Underwear? This motherfucker is going to move on to whoreskin suits in a few years. But that isn't the point, is it?

No, we're here to talk about the itty bitty tiny little space where it's not any more weird than anything else on TFP.

Sexual deviants, possessive stalker-types, frazzled married people looking for The Truth... they violate privacy.

I gotta wonder if this guy admitted all this stuff for a reason. How he really felt about the things he'd done.

Poor impulse control is one thing. I ate half a bag of Oreos once as a kid and got an awful tummy ache. I get it.

The guy in the OP doesn't scare me with what he'd done but how sodium pentathol honest he was with his partner.

Turns out the CIA wants whatever the hell that guy is smoking. It's like he was compelled by Jesus to 'fess up.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Manic_Skafe

I never knew there were so many clairvoyants here. Quick! What am I gonna eat for lunch?

I'm probably more likely to afford the op's boyfriend some slack having had a whole host of my own residual Jesus-guilt induced perversions and sexual quirks to work through in the process of discovering my sexual self (cue new age music, open chakras.) That aside, this sounds like some remarkably dumb but probably harmless shit to pull. Going all Honest Abe after the fact serves only to highlight the absurdity of it all.

The OP hasn't shaded their ages but I'm guessing they're fairly young. Whether or not they'll make it through this is entirely up to them. How so many of you can fire off definitive claims about who this guy is and who he'll become is beyond me.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

The_Jazz

I know! I know! Ass, right? Amiright or amiright?

Wait, that's the answer to the wrong question...

You know what TFP is full of? No, not that. Armchair psychiatrists that love to help. Honestly, it's one of the things that keeps me around here. If nothing else, we love to help people that at least appear to have a sincere desire to be helped. Oh, and they have to at least appear to not be morons. Clear those hurdles and we're all over the problem like a Packers fan at a free beer-and-cheese buffet.

I agree with you - we're lacking some information to come to a definitive answer. That's why my first post reads like it does. I can't answer a lot of the questions for the OP. There are some scarey red flags in there, but it could be that the boyfriend is just your typical 18 year old oversexed bonehead. Or he could be a serial rapist in the making. Hard to tell which, but I think folks are erring on the side of caution with their responses.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

hbombaby

Thank you all for you input, for the most part I have felt it is helpful advice, despite the occasional over-the-top assumptions, though that is what I came here in search of. Many have asked why I would ever not see how black and white this is. To be honest, I read an earlier post where a girl said she was upset by finding her boyfriend's pictures of her friends and roommates, which he used to masturbate, and would not delete them. I was surprised by the amount of people who told her it's simply something that all guys do, and thought that maybe this was a situation in which I was simply unaware of the things all guys do and just keep secret.

First of all, I should clarify my biggest concerns and a few other facts:

-I am 26, and he is 25, and was about 23-24 when this happened. Though mentally, clearly he's a 12 year old, no?

-I forgave the Chatroulette thing because it turns out he had bi-curious tendencies. For the most part he was on there to see penises (though totally admitted to not turning away any female that offered to show her goodies). He was horrified and embarrassed to admit this and was terrified of my judgement, though there was none on my part. I'm not a lesbian, and I have no desire to date a girl- but I am quicker to watch lesbian porn then hetero porn- it just does it a little better for me, so I get it. I would never judge him for that. That being said, yes, he was one of those people who expose themselves on there, and yes he should have just looked up gay porn. Side question- He does say that porn in which people are not paid for it is better than the indie, shot-at-home stuff. Should I be worried about that? Meh, I admit, I did tell him no more unless clearly paid porn employees are featured because clearly he does not know the difference.

-He admitted that his closest guy friends all share naked pictures of their girlfriends. I think this is incredibly weird. Am I alone in thinking that's horribly messed up?? He says he's never shared any of me because he didn't want to and knew I would be embarrassed. But that's also because I've never allowed to take any on the off chance I want to run for office some day...or just avoid public humiliation. And I know he has none of me because (Yes, I know you'll all give me a hard time for it) I've checked his phone and his computer pictures out of curiosity on occasion. But what I'm saying is I'm afraid he feels entitled to naked pictures of friend's girlfriends because they do show so often. Of course, that also leads me to hate his friends and him for seeing all the girls as friggin' trading cards or not even human beings at all. Am I wrong in this?

-What worries me most is:
1) His complete disregard of privacy, being so incredibly sneaky as to take it upon himself to seek out her computer several times over and look for nude photos, and ignoring every kind of boundary in that situation

2) The fact that it's my freaking roommate. Ugh. Now I feel like I can't trust him around ANY girl ever- like he has no personal standard. Call me harsh, but if he had friends hot enough to masturbate to, I would keep it in my mind and not actively seek out pictures of them. It's just so personal to me. There just boobs- why could he not just find them on the internet that didn't belong to the girl I was living with at the time?!

Now to answer your questions:

Manic- The only reason I was questioning is because he's come clean with so much a few months ago and we started to become close in the way that we should have, in a way that something was clearly keeping us from one another for the first ugh, 3 years. He was clearly upset when he said he remembered something he had suppressed and wanted to be honest with me. He's told be about EVERYTHING (or so he say's I guess) from a girl who flashed him and all of his friends at a party last summer to this catastrophic nightmare. I honestly think he is trying to get everything off of his chest and come completely clean as a part of his effort in changing, but I question his character and the basis of who he even is when he's done things like this.

Cimarron- THANK YOU. Totally sociopath behavior, right? That's what I keep saying. I'm afraid there's a sensitivity chip missing. Like he has zero concern about anyone other than himself. Like there's clearly a lesson in the difference between right and wrong he missed. Like he's without a conscious. That being said, I really don't think he's a future pedophile. But yes a scumbag, is a scumbag.

Plan- Nope, not Jesus. Therapy. He entered therapy again. He use to be there for depression. Now he's there for characteristics of a douchbag teenager and generally just being an asshole. Apparently he wanted to fix himself. Become a person he doesn't hate. Someone not so morally corrupt. He's trying to become accountable for his actions, something he honestly has never been. He actually went so far as to take his therapists advice- become accountable for his actions by telling someone very close to him how much weird shit he's done. And he told his conservative religious parents. So he shows signs of wanting to change, but I don't know that I want to put faith and trust in the fact that he will. I've already been blind to so much, I don't want to shield myself from the rest.

I know I seem like a huge idiot. At the same time, I didn't fill in any of the good things he's done or the ways he honestly wants to seem to change because I DON'T want to be that blind moron of a girlfriend. I've received nothing pages and pages of letter stating how much he hates himself for who he's been and what a filthy, scumbag loser he is and now seems himself for since telling me this. I don't want to include how remorseful he seems or how overwhelmingly apologetic he has been, how he's begging me to talk to him because it's irrelevant. I'm a caring forgiving person, but I've never been an idiot and I don't want to start now. He's a kid who was raised with a king complex and in a fluffy 'everything is roses in our household, because we never talk about anything controversial- just puppies and kitties' atmosphere. He was kinda more or less only ever criticized for being a boy and doing things boys do (hands down the pants, being too loud, making faces- kid stuff). I don't know if that's turned him into this person who thinks his he does is praise-worthy and at the same time a person who hides everything because it's all he's ever done, but at his age I don't think it's an excuse. I tried to be blunt with the facts because I didn't want to list all the excuses I've been making in my own head. But thank you very much to those of you have been understanding and kind while honest. I hope you keep it coming.

MrFriendly

Hbombaby, you're not an idiot for not seeing or knowing what he was up to. How were you to know when doing so well at hiding it?

A good friend of mine was in a very long relationship and for the last 4 years of that relationship her partner was addicted to ice and she had no freaking idea. She was too busy being paranoid about other stuff and he was an expert liar.

What your boyfriend did was completely out of line, no questions there, but it takes real balls to fess up to all of that knowing that in doing so his very worst fears could be realised. It sounds to me like he's been ill for a while, and now he's getting the help and treatment he needs to be healthy again.

I do think you need to communicate your anxieties with him though, if you want this relationship to keep going from here you're both going to need to be brutally honest about a lot of things.

Good luck with it all though, I hope things work out best for you and that he gets better.

__________________
You are not a slave

Seaumas

Some would say he should never have confessed, i.e. "What goes on in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas" (attributed to Elvis). I am not you or can think as you do. What I can ask is, "If he is so weak that he must intrude into others' lives, hide his seeming pathological compulsion from you, his proclaimed love, especially for so long- and is only motivated to confess based upon his own guilt and not shame, wishing only to spare himself pain or loss, thinking little, if any, of your obvious dismay, hurt, betrayal and confusion, could you or would you ever trust him? Is he worth the investment of your heart and soul? I can't answer. But my certain conclusion is this that this human needs serious psychological help. No sympathy, refuge, forgiveness or anything beyond the milk of human kindness. And I care not how clever or charming he might be.

hora27

I think that's true. When you're actually searching for someone you know, and, besides that, when you're doing this without the other person's consent (when he found the pics of your roommate), you're cheating on someone. and I guess it's better he confessed, at least like this you're able to choose whether you want to forgive him of not.

ASU2003

This is what I was thinking, why bother looking for pictures on a computer (when there are millions of them on there)...

But, I plead the fifth as to weather I have used Ethereal and some other programs to 'monitor' network traffic in college...

There is stuff that I would be ok with as a single guy that probably wouldn't be accepted in a relationship. And I wouldn't know what all of those things would be right now.

And at least he told you. I don't understand this guilty conscience thing. I wouldn't do anything that I wouldn't want her to be able to do, but it doesn't mean that it is necessarily healthy to expose all of your deviant side.

zenda

Hi Hbombaby

So 'fessing all was something his therapist told him to do? On the one hand, the therapist gave him the opportunity to benefit from the inner un-hiding, which supposedly results from self-revelation; on the other hand, s/he has thrown the client 'on the mercy' of those who know him, thereby putting the client in a time-honoured apparent position of risk and 'gamble', and putting you and those close to him in the time honoured position of being expected to forgive, to be 'stern but nice', and to otherwise refrain from the urge to kick his sorry back door out of the front door.

It is clear that, by his admissions, he has violated principles which are extremely important to you. He has piled them on your table - on your plate in the same 'mouthful' as a PROMISE. It's a conglomerate proposition: "Hey I got this stuff to tell you -ewww-ewww-ewwww-and-I'mWorking to stop it and it's the only way You can get closer to Me and that's why I've told you and also my therapist told me to do it'

Confession puts Burdens and Expectations on the person being confessed to, especially if an 'expert' has, or has been said to have, advised it. You become responsible for being supportive or destructive to a repentant person's mission to redeem himself, to his course of therapy, and to his valiant struggle to 'let' you get closer.

Remember, though, the guy you actually wanted to be close to is a guy who would never have done this kind of shit to begin with. It didn't have to be about masturbating to pictures of your room-mate, or violating people's privacy, or standing with his mates sharing nekkid GF pics. It could have been about Anything ... anything which significantly violated your principles or crawled from those parts of the world which fill you with loathing and disgust.


My strongest concern here is that wittingly or unwittingly, he, having gained your trust, is, de facto, proposing that you redefine your entire basis for relationship, and that your getting closer to him REQUIRES your accepting that redefinition. It is entrappment, and leads me to two questions:

1. Are you now in an space you accept? IF, before you met him, you'd decided that 'Bad Boyz throwing themselves on your mercy then Turning Their Lives Around' were the kind of people you really wanted to be with, then he's Your Kind Of Guy. It's a popular theme of musicals and romantic comedies, and hopefully, the next few years of oscillations between hope and disappointment will be a fulfilling time. If this is a story you don't like the sound of, please refresh your sense of what you do want ... for what he SEEMED to be is what you fell in love with, and those qualities may be found in people less likely to make such heavy claims on your forebearance.

2. Is he an habitual surprise-monger or 'entrapper' .. are there other areas where he holds back while you 'notice but carry on as usual,' until he tells or shows you that Toto ain't in Kansas any more, and you and your Munchkins are going WTF! ? An ex-acquaintance of mine was notorious for offering people rides to important appointments and then making them late by insisting on running unannounced side errands.

If you've been choosing to stay with him for a while longer, beware he does not become what I'm calling here a Revelationist. A Revelationist is someone who has confessed at some point in his life, been forgiven/tolerated/endured, and has got the habit of Katharting. He secretly gets himself off on the expressions of upset in the faces of those he confesses to as he delivers those multiple guiltgasms and fall-from-gracials. Forgivurbation and sin-swallowing become a video-loop. He gets to do "Mea Culpa" but WE're the ones who actually get to feel bad most of the time.


As it is, your present story has already moved on a bit, and you may wonder: "It is more than a week since he revealed these things to me ..... now, regardless of how I feel about what he's done and not been telling me, is his having confessed making him a nicer person to be with? To what extent have his behaviors with me been changing for the better? To what extent am I feeling that we're close in the ways I wanted to feel before the distancing and subsequent revelation?" What, in the last couple of weeks has changed, what has remained the same, what is your update as to how you feel and what you think about it all, and what this all means in terms of what you're reckoning on going with it?

OH ... and by the way ... has he stopped doing that shit?

Take care.

__________________
ZENDA

lovexXx

Definitely movee on! No one should be snooping through a roommates things (or anyones for that matter) for pictures, when realistically he could find some porn online!

citadel

That's what his closest friends all do together, and he doesn't take part? I'm not sure I buy that. Birds of a feather and all...your friends say a lot about you. I'm not calling him a liar, but I can't imagine a situation where every single one of them does it in an ongoing manner, and he abstains. If all my friends were crossing a line that I didn't want to cross, well they wouldn't be my closest friends, would they?

I don't think what he did was right, not at all, but seeing someone you know naked makes the picture seem a little more real and thrilling, I suppose. I wouldn't know though, and I certainly wouldn't find out the way he did.

Was he sexually abused as a kid? Repressed memories & strange sexual deviancies seem to go together, especially if he's impulsive and out of control about it. It seems like there's a lot going on with him in his psyche somewhere. He definitely seems to need help, and you should probably take a few steps back while he figures all this stuff out.

wyopen

Move on. Masturbation is a good thing. Breaking the law, invading the personal computer of friends, online sex with former gf, are all over the top. What would he do to your kids?

Let him get help on his own. There's a better guy out there for you.

Prince

Wiser heads have given advice on the issue presented... But I have seen a few people wonder why he would invade the privacy of the roommates when there is an abundance of porn available online. For my part, I have to say that when I masturbate, I usually picture hot co-workers of the past or chicks I know now - and not porn stars. I know I'll never bang Jenna Jameson, so what's the point in imagining it? I ruin it for myself. That hot chick from the blood lab on the other hand....

I guess as far as the breaking into their computers is concerned, I would paraphrase Chris Rock and say that I don't think it was right, but I understand.

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Who is John Galt?

Strange Famous

if you did that stuff, why would you confess it?

He sounds like he has some issues, but I guess who doesnt.

Personally it would be the breaking into someone's computer part that would bother me, its borderline stalkerish and would be something I wouldnt be happy about in a partner.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

chinese crested

He needs help. Report him to the police. Look for his footprints outside of your friends bedroom windows. He is sick and belongs in with the other sex offenders having therapy.

'Maybe I should also mention this guy recently admitted to spending several months jerking off on Chatroulette nightly,'




Which one is he?

---------- Post added at 02:44 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:30 AM ----------

You should also consider having a 'ladies night' and tell these girls what their boyfriends are doing. Had it been your douchebag, wouldnt you have wanted to know?

Random Hair

You need only 4 things.
1) New locks
2) New passwords
3) New Man
4) And a restraining order.

Sounds a little rape-y to me.
I once e-mailed naked photos of my ex to everyone on my address list, but that was because I found out she was cheating (and I told her I was doing, after she refused to apologise).

What he did is sneaky and stalker like behaviour.
What things did his therapist advise him not to confess to?
Has he ever had un-supervised access to your mums computer? How about her nicker draw?

Yes you should defiantly stay with him, even after that awkward conversation where he asks you to put on the strap on or when you find out he had a secret web cam set up in your room or when he asks you to help dispose of your room mates bodies.

All us guys are perverts. However there is a deference between being kinky and being a deviant.

And he exposes himself to other men on-line?
Definite keeper.

In all seriousness, my mum was married to a closet case (thankfully not my father), his warped sexual frustration made him extremely violent. Something that was evident only after the ring was on her finger.

LazyBoy

Time to throw that fish back

-Will

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Life is nothing, everything.....and something in between...

Poetry

He's shown he has no self-control and no respect for you or others.

His motivation in telling you was motivated by either guilt or a desire to be out of the relationship. Both are unwelcome.

If you forgive him this, his behavior will not be curbed, and as he gets older (as he sounds incredibly young), the likelihood of physical straying will increase. That lack of self-control can manifest in ways of poor partner selection or unprotected sex, which can greatly damage your quality of life, if not destroy it entirely.