Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - How to react to your boyfriend jerking off to topless pics of your roommate?

hbombaby · 02-12-2011, 01:43 PM

Thank you all for you input, for the most part I have felt it is helpful advice, despite the occasional over-the-top assumptions, though that is what I came here in search of. Many have asked why I would ever not see how black and white this is. To be honest, I read an earlier post where a girl said she was upset by finding her boyfriend's pictures of her friends and roommates, which he used to masturbate, and would not delete them. I was surprised by the amount of people who told her it's simply something that all guys do, and thought that maybe this was a situation in which I was simply unaware of the things all guys do and just keep secret.

First of all, I should clarify my biggest concerns and a few other facts:

-I am 26, and he is 25, and was about 23-24 when this happened. Though mentally, clearly he's a 12 year old, no?

-I forgave the Chatroulette thing because it turns out he had bi-curious tendencies. For the most part he was on there to see penises (though totally admitted to not turning away any female that offered to show her goodies). He was horrified and embarrassed to admit this and was terrified of my judgement, though there was none on my part. I'm not a lesbian, and I have no desire to date a girl- but I am quicker to watch lesbian porn then hetero porn- it just does it a little better for me, so I get it. I would never judge him for that. That being said, yes, he was one of those people who expose themselves on there, and yes he should have just looked up gay porn. Side question- He does say that porn in which people are not paid for it is better than the indie, shot-at-home stuff. Should I be worried about that? Meh, I admit, I did tell him no more unless clearly paid porn employees are featured because clearly he does not know the difference.

-He admitted that his closest guy friends all share naked pictures of their girlfriends. I think this is incredibly weird. Am I alone in thinking that's horribly messed up?? He says he's never shared any of me because he didn't want to and knew I would be embarrassed. But that's also because I've never allowed to take any on the off chance I want to run for office some day...or just avoid public humiliation. And I know he has none of me because (Yes, I know you'll all give me a hard time for it) I've checked his phone and his computer pictures out of curiosity on occasion. But what I'm saying is I'm afraid he feels entitled to naked pictures of friend's girlfriends because they do show so often. Of course, that also leads me to hate his friends and him for seeing all the girls as friggin' trading cards or not even human beings at all. Am I wrong in this?

-What worries me most is:
1) His complete disregard of privacy, being so incredibly sneaky as to take it upon himself to seek out her computer several times over and look for nude photos, and ignoring every kind of boundary in that situation

2) The fact that it's my freaking roommate. Ugh. Now I feel like I can't trust him around ANY girl ever- like he has no personal standard. Call me harsh, but if he had friends hot enough to masturbate to, I would keep it in my mind and not actively seek out pictures of them. It's just so personal to me. There just boobs- why could he not just find them on the internet that didn't belong to the girl I was living with at the time?!

Now to answer your questions:

Manic- The only reason I was questioning is because he's come clean with so much a few months ago and we started to become close in the way that we should have, in a way that something was clearly keeping us from one another for the first ugh, 3 years. He was clearly upset when he said he remembered something he had suppressed and wanted to be honest with me. He's told be about EVERYTHING (or so he say's I guess) from a girl who flashed him and all of his friends at a party last summer to this catastrophic nightmare. I honestly think he is trying to get everything off of his chest and come completely clean as a part of his effort in changing, but I question his character and the basis of who he even is when he's done things like this.

Cimarron- THANK YOU. Totally sociopath behavior, right? That's what I keep saying. I'm afraid there's a sensitivity chip missing. Like he has zero concern about anyone other than himself. Like there's clearly a lesson in the difference between right and wrong he missed. Like he's without a conscious. That being said, I really don't think he's a future pedophile. But yes a scumbag, is a scumbag.

Plan- Nope, not Jesus. Therapy. He entered therapy again. He use to be there for depression. Now he's there for characteristics of a douchbag teenager and generally just being an asshole. Apparently he wanted to fix himself. Become a person he doesn't hate. Someone not so morally corrupt. He's trying to become accountable for his actions, something he honestly has never been. He actually went so far as to take his therapists advice- become accountable for his actions by telling someone very close to him how much weird shit he's done. And he told his conservative religious parents. So he shows signs of wanting to change, but I don't know that I want to put faith and trust in the fact that he will. I've already been blind to so much, I don't want to shield myself from the rest.

I know I seem like a huge idiot. At the same time, I didn't fill in any of the good things he's done or the ways he honestly wants to seem to change because I DON'T want to be that blind moron of a girlfriend. I've received nothing pages and pages of letter stating how much he hates himself for who he's been and what a filthy, scumbag loser he is and now seems himself for since telling me this. I don't want to include how remorseful he seems or how overwhelmingly apologetic he has been, how he's begging me to talk to him because it's irrelevant. I'm a caring forgiving person, but I've never been an idiot and I don't want to start now. He's a kid who was raised with a king complex and in a fluffy 'everything is roses in our household, because we never talk about anything controversial- just puppies and kitties' atmosphere. He was kinda more or less only ever criticized for being a boy and doing things boys do (hands down the pants, being too loud, making faces- kid stuff). I don't know if that's turned him into this person who thinks his he does is praise-worthy and at the same time a person who hides everything because it's all he's ever done, but at his age I don't think it's an excuse. I tried to be blunt with the facts because I didn't want to list all the excuses I've been making in my own head. But thank you very much to those of you have been understanding and kind while honest. I hope you keep it coming.

02-12-2011, 01:43 PM	#20 (permalink)
hbombaby Upright	Thank you all for you input, for the most part I have felt it is helpful advice, despite the occasional over-the-top assumptions, though that is what I came here in search of. Many have asked why I would ever not see how black and white this is. To be honest, I read an earlier post where a girl said she was upset by finding her boyfriend's pictures of her friends and roommates, which he used to masturbate, and would not delete them. I was surprised by the amount of people who told her it's simply something that all guys do, and thought that maybe this was a situation in which I was simply unaware of the things all guys do and just keep secret. First of all, I should clarify my biggest concerns and a few other facts: -I am 26, and he is 25, and was about 23-24 when this happened. Though mentally, clearly he's a 12 year old, no? -I forgave the Chatroulette thing because it turns out he had bi-curious tendencies. For the most part he was on there to see penises (though totally admitted to not turning away any female that offered to show her goodies). He was horrified and embarrassed to admit this and was terrified of my judgement, though there was none on my part. I'm not a lesbian, and I have no desire to date a girl- but I am quicker to watch lesbian porn then hetero porn- it just does it a little better for me, so I get it. I would never judge him for that. That being said, yes, he was one of those people who expose themselves on there, and yes he should have just looked up gay porn. Side question- He does say that porn in which people are not paid for it is better than the indie, shot-at-home stuff. Should I be worried about that? Meh, I admit, I did tell him no more unless clearly paid porn employees are featured because clearly he does not know the difference. -He admitted that his closest guy friends all share naked pictures of their girlfriends. I think this is incredibly weird. Am I alone in thinking that's horribly messed up?? He says he's never shared any of me because he didn't want to and knew I would be embarrassed. But that's also because I've never allowed to take any on the off chance I want to run for office some day...or just avoid public humiliation. And I know he has none of me because (Yes, I know you'll all give me a hard time for it) I've checked his phone and his computer pictures out of curiosity on occasion. But what I'm saying is I'm afraid he feels entitled to naked pictures of friend's girlfriends because they do show so often. Of course, that also leads me to hate his friends and him for seeing all the girls as friggin' trading cards or not even human beings at all. Am I wrong in this? -What worries me most is: 1) His complete disregard of privacy, being so incredibly sneaky as to take it upon himself to seek out her computer several times over and look for nude photos, and ignoring every kind of boundary in that situation 2) The fact that it's my freaking roommate. Ugh. Now I feel like I can't trust him around ANY girl ever- like he has no personal standard. Call me harsh, but if he had friends hot enough to masturbate to, I would keep it in my mind and not actively seek out pictures of them. It's just so personal to me. There just boobs- why could he not just find them on the internet that didn't belong to the girl I was living with at the time?! Now to answer your questions: Manic- The only reason I was questioning is because he's come clean with so much a few months ago and we started to become close in the way that we should have, in a way that something was clearly keeping us from one another for the first ugh, 3 years. He was clearly upset when he said he remembered something he had suppressed and wanted to be honest with me. He's told be about EVERYTHING (or so he say's I guess) from a girl who flashed him and all of his friends at a party last summer to this catastrophic nightmare. I honestly think he is trying to get everything off of his chest and come completely clean as a part of his effort in changing, but I question his character and the basis of who he even is when he's done things like this. Cimarron- THANK YOU. Totally sociopath behavior, right? That's what I keep saying. I'm afraid there's a sensitivity chip missing. Like he has zero concern about anyone other than himself. Like there's clearly a lesson in the difference between right and wrong he missed. Like he's without a conscious. That being said, I really don't think he's a future pedophile. But yes a scumbag, is a scumbag. Plan- Nope, not Jesus. Therapy. He entered therapy again. He use to be there for depression. Now he's there for characteristics of a douchbag teenager and generally just being an asshole. Apparently he wanted to fix himself. Become a person he doesn't hate. Someone not so morally corrupt. He's trying to become accountable for his actions, something he honestly has never been. He actually went so far as to take his therapists advice- become accountable for his actions by telling someone very close to him how much weird shit he's done. And he told his conservative religious parents. So he shows signs of wanting to change, but I don't know that I want to put faith and trust in the fact that he will. I've already been blind to so much, I don't want to shield myself from the rest. I know I seem like a huge idiot. At the same time, I didn't fill in any of the good things he's done or the ways he honestly wants to seem to change because I DON'T want to be that blind moron of a girlfriend. I've received nothing pages and pages of letter stating how much he hates himself for who he's been and what a filthy, scumbag loser he is and now seems himself for since telling me this. I don't want to include how remorseful he seems or how overwhelmingly apologetic he has been, how he's begging me to talk to him because it's irrelevant. I'm a caring forgiving person, but I've never been an idiot and I don't want to start now. He's a kid who was raised with a king complex and in a fluffy 'everything is roses in our household, because we never talk about anything controversial- just puppies and kitties' atmosphere. He was kinda more or less only ever criticized for being a boy and doing things boys do (hands down the pants, being too loud, making faces- kid stuff). I don't know if that's turned him into this person who thinks his he does is praise-worthy and at the same time a person who hides everything because it's all he's ever done, but at his age I don't think it's an excuse. I tried to be blunt with the facts because I didn't want to list all the excuses I've been making in my own head. But thank you very much to those of you have been understanding and kind while honest. I hope you keep it coming.