Quote:
Originally Posted by hbombaby
So here's my dilemma:
I have a boyfriend and we've been dating for over 3 years. Last night he confessed something to me- that a while ago he went into my roommate's room when nobody was home, looked through her computer for nudes and jerked off right there to a few different topless pictures of her. He said he had done this nearly a year ago, tried it again after she got a new computer (but was unsuccessful) and had also gone through my other roommate's computer for topless pictures as well (again, unsuccessful)!
Maybe I should also mention this guy recently admitted to spending several months jerking off on Chatroulette nightly, and creating a secret skype when a girl he knew several years ago once offered to strip for him online (he initiated contact and cyber nudity twice...or so he says).
A few months ago he apparently realized he was treating me terribly by lying to me so much and wanted to come clean about EVERYTHING. Since then he has been admitting to a whole slew of awful things I never would have known about or suspected, besides what's stated above. It's still been difficult, but I've been trying to forgive him for it all because 1) He came to me with the truth, and told me about what I never would've known, 2) I recognize there were no emotional attachments or actual physical contact with any of these other situations, and 3) Because what hurt most that was the betrayal of trust, the lies and the fact that he was sneaking around.
Now, I have no problem with porn, or masturbating, or knowing he found my roommates attractive, but I'm very hurt, and shocked by his blatant disregard of privacy. Did I mention both of these girls are HIS friend's girlfriends?! I'm horrified and disgusted by this because it seems like such a creepy perverted thing to do by going through their things, but also because he just couldn't act all of this out in his mind or maybe pick any other two girls in the world OTHER than my friends and roommates?
I should state we have a great, experimental, spontaneous sex life, and I know that this doesn't have anything to do with that and I appreciate that he told me, but it still hurts. Am I being absurd here or is this as messed up as I think it is? Or am absurd for staying with him? Please be honest, but not horribly harsh, I'm still a little hurt.
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I say this with nothing but compassion and respect for you: ditch this guy.
In a separate thread, I once defended a guy's right to wank to pictures of his girlfriend's friends. But that was on the presumption that those pictures were freely given and shared by the friends in question, and he simply decided they made good wank material. I also believe in the right of a guy to get hard from whoever turns him on, and use their image as stroke fuel, so long as the image in question was taken with that person's knowledge and consent, and they consented for others to see it.
However, going into someone else's computer, snooping for pics, and having a voyeuristic wank at their expense is indefensible. That is utterly unacceptable behavior.
On top of that, this guy cheated on you. The fact that it was cyber doesn't make a difference. There is a difference, a boundary, a separation between looking at porn-- even if in the course of doing so, you stumble across a pic of someone you know and wank to it anyhow-- and initiating contact with any other person for the purposes of cybersex, or seeking out cybersexual contact with someone you know personally. This dude not only cybered casually with whoever he found on chatroulette, he created a secret skype to cyber with a girl he knew personally. I'm sorry, but in my book, that's cheating.
And the fact that he felt bad about it or what have you, and decided to confess rather than leave you in ignorance of his misdeeds does nothing, IMO, to ameliorate them.
There is nothing wrong with being horny. There's nothing wrong with looking at porn. There's not even anything wrong about fantasizing about people you know personally-- even if they're friends, even if they're coupled up with friends. But violating people's privacy for one's own sexual gratification, lying to one's S.O. about secret sexual activity...that is just wrong.
So wrong, in fact, that I don't know anything that would make me think that he's worth keeping. IMO, he has got to go, and you will be much better off without him.
I know that's hard to hear, and it would be hard to do. But life with anyone who would do those things, much less keep it secret for some measurable period of time...that's just not going to lead you anywhere good.