genuinegirly

What do you consider a healthy relationship?
How much sex does it involve?
Does it include marriage?
Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex?
Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream?
Do you feel you're capable of having a healthy relationship?
If you have a healthy one, do you feel obligated to share your secrets on keeping a healthy relationship with your friends who ask how you do it?

I keep thinking about these questions as my husband and I seem to constantly offering advice to our friends who are running into brick walls with their relationships. Cheating seems entirely common, lack of sex drive equally so. Communication seems key to me - it seems to be lacking in nearly all of the relationships that fall apart around us. It's difficult for me to understand how relationships so frequently go awry. Tt and I are so happy together - we work to make each other happy, though sometimes it comes easy. Maybe we're still in the honeymoon phase and haven't dealt with any real hurdles - or maybe we're just well-matched. Whatever it is, we feel an obligation to be open with our friends when they ask us what we do to keep our relationship strong and each other happy. At times I think it might be wise for us to formally learn how to advise other couples, rather than just sharing what works for us. But sometimes we don't feel like sharing. Sometimes the things that work for us seem entirely private and special - do we share these too, or risk giving an incomplete picture? I seem to err on the side of sharing too much, but is this a good thing overall? Recently I've begun to think that I should keep my mouth shut and let people work things out for themselves. Everyone is different, afterall.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Plan9

Wow, I must have fed off your psychic vibes because I was just about to post a thread way similar to this. Creepy.

I can see this thread basically echoing the last couple significant relationship / sex threads. It's like TFP Cliff Notes.

What do you consider a healthy relationship?

Totally is two people who can talk about anything without playing bullshit deliberate-pensive-heavy-sigh games with each other. Free-flowing honest communication is the lynch pin, crux, etc. And you communicate about things that involve a need or want issue.

"I need more cuddling." "I want to smoke cigars." "I'd like a threesome." "I'm going to Spain with my friend and not you."

Assuming this means people-who-fuck / live together... I define a healthy relationship as one that allows two people to consolidate resources and join forces without encumbering themselves (solo efforts) or each other (joint ventures). You do your thing, I do my thing... we do some things together but have our own distinct friends, hobbies, me-time, etc. Key to success is having roughly compatible life goals and sharing interests / hobbies. You can't change people, so that means finding someone who's already interested in the same stuff that you are. Helps if you have the same sense of humor and are comfortable with the personal hygiene, cleanliness level, education, and money management skills of your partner.

How much sex does it involve?

Why this is placed second is telling and typical of many relationship problems. Anyschways, sex should be relative to the desires of the two partners. It shouldn't be used as a weapon. The quantity and quality are important. If one party is a nympho or has a crazy fetish that isn't being catered to... the relationship will really suffer. The monogamous nature of the typical modern relationship means sex is the tie that binds. Stupidest fucking thing on the planet, if you ask me. How love got related to the gnashing of wet genitals is beyond me.

Does it include marriage?

You know what would happen to a popular medical procedure if it suddenly had a 50% success rate? Apparently people would still be dumb enough to do it.

Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex?

I develop strong friend relationships with men. I tend to keep women in the girlfriend's friend or potential sex box to avoid confusion. Call me a pig (I am), but I have a hard time taking anything with boobs seriously after the shit I've been through. Cue the violins already.

Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream?

I suppose I dream... meaning that I haven't found a "truly healthy" relationship based on general compatibility and the grand old life time line. Emotional, sexual, or life goals didn't mesh. I've been in several long term relationships, got stupid and ended up married to one of 'em. They were all big scoops of failcream with the bittersweet cherry of never seeing them again on top. Sadly, they're like chapters in a book that you read once, tear out, and burn... hoping you learned that big take-away lesson before you forget them. It's all get some, go again. You try to find enough teeth that match up so you can get the gears turning. Sometimes it works... and sometimes it just works for awhile.

Do you feel you're capable of having a healthy relationship?

Perfectly capable given I feel like the person is capable of providing 50% of the lifting effort to hold up the relationship bridge.

The problem is do I want to settle down now with some woman that'll gently get fat and eventually become an anchor around a finger on my left hand... relegating myself to expensive hobbies and travel? Or do I wanna try for women without last names, alcoholism, and glorious single solitude in my Man Castle, working into middle age like some kind of Hugh Hefner... a total sellout in a smoking jacket.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Xerxys

^^ Why are you awake by the way and you should totally go for the sellout route. GG I have nothing to add seeing as the questions you pose no man can possibly answer but a question of my own.

The phrase, "Did you tell her how you feel?" is key in any therapeutic situation revolving around broken hearts and mending wounds but communication isn't as easy as many make it out to be.

When one end believes the other is darth vader and the other satan how is communication going to fix that? When is the best time to sit down and say, "Honey, I don't like it when you poop with the bathroom door open". When does tact come in and if we are talking about tact then are we saying that people still play games even after they're married? (Assuming marriage is the pinnacle of a relationship)

Another one is what I like to think of a "meta"-phrase. "We both work hard in this relationship"/"We should work hard in this". Just WTF does that mean? "Work hard". What is it to work? How do you "work" towards someone who seems jaded with you? How do you 'fix' a relationship by "working" on it? What is it to "work"? I always thought it's just there or it isn't. You either get along or you don't. I've always felt that if you married someone well beyond 15 minutes that you met them and they turn out to be a different person then no amount of communication will help.

Plan9

Xerxys... when did you become so lucid? Wow.

(no sarcasm)

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Xerxys

^^ Don't get it, sarcasm?

(oh)

ColonelSpecial

What do you consider a healthy relationship?
To me a healthy relationship is a ever changing goal that is mutually worked upon. Yeah so that description is clear as mud but it is hard to define. My relationship with my husband has complete open communication (even about pooping), honesty and respect. I think those are the three ingredients to a healthy relationship. Realizing that both people in the relationship change and therefore the relationship will change as well is very important to remember. It is also wise to keep realistic expectations for a healthy relationship.

How much sex does it involve?
A healthy relationship involves sex of course. That specific number can never be nailed down to just one digit for all people everywhere. I think keeping a general level of intimacy alive through non-sexual specific touching and interaction is important.

Does it include marriage?
For my husband and I, our relationship includes marriage. Marriage is a commitment to one another that should be respected but if the building blocks of a healthy relationship, married or not, aren't there, calling each other husband and wife and being married in the eyes of the state isn't going to save a relationship. Not all healthy relationships should be expected to be life long.

Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex?
I have always made friendships better with the opposite sex. Most people say you can't have opposite sex friends without complications but I have been able to do it.

Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream?
I am in a truly healthy relationship now with my husband. It is the first for both of us so we are making up the rules that work for us as we go along.

If you have a healthy one, do you feel obligated to share your secrets on keeping a healthy relationship with your friends who ask how you do it?
If someone were to ask me for advice, I would give them a more detailed answer from the first question. I would shy away from giving more intimate details unless I know the person very well. Those details are what make my relationship with my husband special and I like to cling to them myself.

Relationships aren't magical. They can't cure cancer, solve world hunger or travel in time. They can be a bright spot in our shared journey of life. We can expect great things from them. Relationships can provide love, peace, joy, laughter. I am an optimist when it comes to intimate relationships. Not all relationships will last for life.

__________________
"Mommy, the presidents are squishing me!"

"Using the pull out method of contraceptive is like saying I won't use a seat belt, I'll just jump out of the car before it hits that tree."

Sara

little_tippler

What do you consider a healthy relationship?

I have no idea. I see couples around me and it's not easy for anybody. Some people seem happier and more secure in their relationships than others. But you never really know what other couples are like because their intimacy is their own. I don't look at others and wish I had what they do. Because I have no clue what it's like for them. Everyone has different needs. So healthy is different for everyone. In any romantic relationship I am in, I hope that we will be crazy about each other, be honest and treat each other with respect, our tastes will mesh with some ease, and we push all of each other's mental and physical buttons with some dexterity.

How much sex does it involve?

If things are going the right way, it should involve as much sex as we want to give each other, because we're so crazy about each other. Which would be quite often. I want a guy I am always wanting to touch, and who is always wanting to touch me, in some form.

Does it include marriage?

It includes trust, and respect, some form of commitment. Being there for each other. Not giving up when there is trouble. I think people who don't get married and stay the course seem a lot more dedicated to me. They don't have a piece of paper saying there is a contract, but they do everything that age old tradition implies. Seems like the bond is even stronger because they do it through choice and not some kind of obligation. That being said, I would get married if I had kids, because of legal issues.

Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex?

I couldn't say. It depends more on the person than on their sex. But I generally suck at making friends so.

Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream?

I don't think I have, because they all ended at one point. Ok maybe once, I was. But the fact that it ended makes me not be able to see it that way. But there were moments.

Do you feel you're capable of having a healthy relationship?

I feel I am very capable. I am a very dedicated and loyal person. I don't give up easily. If I am treated right, then I can stay the course, no doubt.

If you have a healthy one, do you feel obligated to share your secrets on keeping a healthy relationship with your friends who ask how you do it?

Not really. No-one has ever asked me that, nor would I ask anyone that. Seems like a silly question. There is no formula. Everyone needs different things. When two people (or more, depending on the kind of relationship) come together and things fit, it's always a unique blend. I would say that it's not that hard to stay together. We just like to be demanding and complicate things. If people were a little more relaxed about what they want for themselves and just let things flow, I think it would make life easier. And no, I'm not talking about settling. I'm talking about letting yourself feel things with no preconceived notions of what you should be feeling or doing.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Halx

Healthy relationships appear very hard to maintain if the two (or more) people are unevenly matched in their desires and ambitions. Obviously, the tighter the match, the smoother the sailing. With the variety in the world, that certainly appears achievable, but due to impatience and insecurity most people don't really bother to take the time and they cling to the first best thing that comes along.

Marriage is definitely not necessary and can in fact serve to amplify any issues that exist between partners at the time before they can be smoothed out or resolved.

I've never been in a particularly healthy relationship, but they usually go like this: Both sides are very attracted to each other and they touch up at many different points, but they cannot reconcile the biggest differences between them. They try it out for a while, but eventually those differences become more apparent because while the relationship works when both partners are focused on each other, they still have their own dreams and desires to fulfill.

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Willravel

What do you consider a healthy relationship?
In a healthy relationship, all parties are honest with each other and themselves, and all parties derive an honest overall joy and/or fulfillment from the relationship.

How much sex does it involve?
If we're talking a romantic relationship, I'd say more than none. If it's not a romantic relationship, it doesn't matter.

Does it include marriage?
It can, though the lifetime commitment of marriage can be somewhat unrealistic.

Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex?
Romantic? Opposite, big time. Platonic? It doesn't really matter.

Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream?
I guess. Honestly, being in a relationship like that makes it difficult to have the objectivity to really judge it. If you're too objective, you're possibly distant and/or guarded.

Do you feel you're capable of having a healthy relationship?
Everyone is. I am a part of everyone, therefore I am.

If you have a healthy one, do you feel obligated to share your secrets on keeping a healthy relationship with your friends who ask how you do it?
I can't imagine why not.

DaniGirl

What do you consider a healthy relationship? I consider a healthy relationship one that both people feel completely safe and you can be yourself and know that you are not being judged.
How much sex does it involve? Sex is different for everyone. Some people cant do it more then once in a 24 hour period well others can have sex all night long so it really does depend on the person.
Does it include marriage?No. I'm married, but I know people who have been happy for years and still have no plans on getting married.
Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex? I usually have better relationships with the same sex, but me and my husband understand eachother and have built a relationship around having a family.
Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream? I think my relationship with my husband is a really healthy relationship, I can't see myself with anyone else.
Do you feel you're capable of having a healthy relationship?yes
If you have a healthy one, do you feel obligated to share your secrets on keeping a healthy relationship with your friends who ask how you do it? Of course, but I don't like to think that I really have wisdom when it comes to relationship.

Shaindra

What do you consider a healthy relationship?
I think a healthy relationship is one in which both parties care about the others' feelings and work hard to create an environment of safety and security.

How much sex does it involve?
Hopefully the amount is a compromise between the partners needs (of which one is almost always higher than the other.)

Does it include marriage?
Marriage is my preference. But I don't think it's a requirement. The real key is the commitment, not the piece of paper.

Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex?
I develop the best relationships with people I'm not physically attracted to. Sad but true. The sex gets in the way of the connection.

Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream?
Not yet. I keep hoping though. I think I have a better idea of what it requires and may even have an idea of how to get there.

Do you feel you're capable of having a healthy relationship?
Yes. I think I have a higher level of self-awareness than most people. I'm empathetic. I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong. On the downside, I have a co-dependent streak about a half a mile wide. For me, having chemistry almost guarantees that streak will come out in force. I'll turn into pushy/needy bitch in an instant. It sucks.

If you have a healthy one, do you feel obligated to share your secrets on keeping a healthy relationship with your friends who ask how you do it?
I share what has worked and not worked for me. I'm learning that the feeling of safety is more important than almost everything else in a relationship. Even communication. Yes, I said that right. I think it's more important to make someone feel safe than it is to communicate with them. Fact is, when someone feels safe, communicating is a hell of a lot easier.

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"Never regret something that once made you smile."

Strange Famous

1 -What do you consider a healthy relationship?

Sex is a part of it. I think its quite important for a relationship to work for the two parties to have a similar sex drive. Two people not that into sex van get on perfect, and so can two people who like it a lot, but when one person has a significantly higher sex drive I think it can create pressure, which can turn to disappointment, resentment, and poison at the end of it.

If you are a really sexual person you need someone who is like that too to really be fulfilled.

If you have a specific fetish that you need to really get off, you'll never be totally fulfilled if the partner just thinks its wierd.

But the emotional side is the biggest part of it.

First of all you have to be able to live with each other. A lot of people can be passionately attrated to someone they cant live with. You have to be able to tolerate their foibles, love what they are, and more (and the part that was harder for me)accept that they can care about you.

If you let low self esteem drag you down,you always expect it to fail, the fact is you'll make it fail without ever realising that its what youve done.

You have to be know when to save someone's feelings and when to tell painful truths, and to it tactfully and to be able to take it how it was meant and not get defensive

You have to feel comfortable around then and them you. Be honest to each other as much as possible.


How much sex does it involve?

Depends on the people, but the key thing is that one partner doesnt want it a lot more than the other


Does it include marriage?

Doesnt need to

Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex?

For me opposite sex, because Im a heterosexual. If I was a practicising homosexual it would be the other way - but I dont think it would be fulfilling for me. Even if gay sex was what really pleasured me, I couldnt imagine feeling the same about a man. Men dont have the emotional structure of women, I guess simply women are better people than men on many levels - more caring, more protective in a genuine way (rather than jut being able to defend someone physically), more emotionally pure, more selfless... I think for a heterosexual woman or homosexual man it is tough - because the person your biology will point you at will be male. The male of the species tending to possessiveness, aggression, greed, materialism and hard thinking.

But maybe those people just have different views of what is emotionally ideal.

Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream?

I would have said no a while ago, now I think its possible

Do you feel you're capable of having a healthy relationship?

Yes

If you have a healthy one, do you feel obligated to share your secrets on keeping a healthy relationship with your friends who ask how you do it?

If something is a real secret, then its a secret. In a friendship, relationship, business relationship - betraying a confidence is amongst the foullest things that can be done.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

ASU2003

What do you consider a healthy relationship?
I wouldn't know first hand. But, I would think it would be with someone you find attractive, is fun to be around, and you can trust.
How much sex does it involve?
Any sexual advances must be well received. It doesn't have to lead to actual intercourse everytime, but it should happen multiple times a week initiated by both partners.
Does it include marriage?
Monogamy yes (or a stable threesome with two bisexuals), marriage is good in some regards, problematic in others if one partner doesn't have the same understanding of what kind of relationship the other one wants.
Do you find you're able to develop a better relationship with the opposite sex or the same sex?
Friendships, same sex. I don't have much in common with most girls, and their attitudes and mine don't match up very well a lot of times.
Have you ever been in a truly healthy relationship, or do you just dream?
Dream. Actually the TV show Dharma & Greg is about the best relationship guide I've ever seen. Dharma is the perfect girl.
Do you feel you're capable of having a healthy relationship?
Sure, now I just have to find a normal girl who would want to live in my world.
If you have a healthy one, do you feel obligated to share your secrets on keeping a healthy relationship with your friends who ask how you do it?
I care more about how you got into a relationship or if you know any single girls who aren't damaged by dating.