CaliLivChick

I'm in a situation where I need to break up with someone, and I'm trying to figure out what to tell him. There is someone else, but I don't know if I should tell him that. What would you rather hear: it's just not working out, I'm not happy anymore; or there's someone else?

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Punk.of.Ages

In a breakup situation I want full honesty. Without it I won't have closure.

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TiltedSammy

Definitely don't say there is someone else, that would fuck with my head a lot. But there's really not an easy way to do this, no matter what he's gonna be hurt... unless you guys aren't really serious, then it may not be a big deal. Just tell him you're not happy with the relationship anymore and want to move on. That's not really lying and you don't have to go into detail and tell him you're seeing someone else.

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-Sam

Jinn

There's someone else takes the most guts to say, and is the most appropriate answer in this situation, because it's the most true. If someone told me it wasn't working out, I'd want to make it work out. If someone told me they weren't happy anymore, I'd want to make them happier. Both of these rely on the fact that she's willing to work with me to "make it work" and "make her happier."

What you're talking about, however, isn't that. You're not happy and it's not working out, but more importantly you don't want to work on it because you've found someone else. That's what they need to hear, not give them the false hope that they can rectify the situation.

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Cynthetiq

"It's not you it's me" as invented by George Costanza.




I really don't want to invest alot of time in the "break up" drama. If you aren't married, it's not worth it. Just make up any excuse that involves not opportunity of getting back together and move forward.

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TiltedSammy

Nevermind, this guy is right. It's really hard to hear there is someone else, but at least that won't give him hope that he may be able to work it out.

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-Sam

jorgelito

Quoted for truth. I second Jinn's post. Be honest. A man deserves to know when he's being cheated on. Don't make it worse by lying to him further.

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Jinn

There's nothing worse than thinking you can solve it, thinking you can do the things she wants, thinking you can change and become a better boyfriend, thinking you two can work together to make it work - only to realize that it's all moot, because she's already decided to be with someone else and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it. Don't him through the heartbreak of "hope", because hoping for something that can never be is the worst kind of heartbreak.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

CaliLivChick

Excellent point Jinn, thank you. =) I had a feeling this would be the best thing, but I wanted to get other's opinions. Please y'all keep up the input. =)

Oh, and it is a serious thing... we're engaged (unofficially), and we live together (when I'm not staying at my mom's to help her out).

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Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.

Punk.of.Ages

For the win...

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Cynthetiq

If that's the case, then jinn's answer is the best. your OP didn't make it sound like you two were serious at all.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

mixedmedia

I agree with Jinn.

In the end, even though it's really difficult, telling him the truth will be best for both of you. There's a finality that comes with 'I've met someone else' that 'I'm not happy' and 'it's not working out' won't give you.

Just tell the truth and be done with it.

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Kaimi

Upon hearing that there was no one else would come the knowledge that the relationship was 100% over. Certainly anger would follow hearing that, and some expletives I am sure. There would be no wishing, hoping, attempt to work it out. No crying on the phone begging for a second chance. I would simply walk away knowing that the other was simply a jerk who did not deserve my time or attention. The door has been closed, locked, and none shall pass. Good closure for sure.

CaliLivChick

Yeah, and the one thing I want him to have is closure when this is all over. He really is a great guy, he's just not the one for me. I do hope he'll be happy, but we're just not meant for forever.

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Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.

inBOIL

Looks like I'm the only one who thinks it's best not to tell him about the other guy. If you tell him there's someone else, he may think that all he has to do to get you back is be better than the other guy. He may think (despite what you tell him) that the other guy seduced you and you're not thinking straight, or that your relationship with him was good and would have lasted without interference.

If you present this to him as 'our relationship is broken and we can't/I won't fix it' that should sound more final.

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Willravel

Breakups should be about irreconcilable differences of some kind. Considering that I would never, ever, every cheat, I would want to hear a specific reason or reasons as to why. It's not about arguing the points, but when a break-up happens and there are words, those are words that usually should have happened earlier. It's about two things: closure and gaining a better understanding of an objective perception of me as a person. These are both important, and hearing "it's not working out" or "there's someone else" really aren't respectful of my want to grow as a person. Why isn't it working out? Why is this "someone else" a better choice?

james t kirk

Depends on the guy and where he's at in life.

When I was 23 or so, I was dumped by my first love. Long sad story. Anyway, no matter what she told me, I wanted to know more, more questions, more angles, more more more more. There was just no reason that I heard that made any sense.

Bottom line, that was then.

I'd have to say in since about 2000 or so, I really don't want to know the reasons, nor do I care.

I remember once dating a woman briefly and she told me that we were through and started to tell me everything that was wrong with me, with us being together, blah blah blah. I cut her off mid sentence after about 30 seconds (maybe less) and just said, "you know, I REALLY don't need to have this conversation" and said good bye and hung up the phone.

Never looked back.

Did the same thing back in November 2007. She started in on all the bullshit and I just cut her off mid bitch - I don't want to hear this.

I see no point in belabouring the issue. The end result is the same.

I don't want to hear all the bullshit, it only makes me feel worse.

telekinetic

If you're cheating on him, just say you're cheating on him. You'll probably get some emotional heat at this point, but honestly, you deserve it, and it WILL end the relationship. The goal isn't to save his feelings, the goal is to end the relationship. Tell him its over, tell him there is someone else. This will hopefully make him paranoid enough in his next relationship that he can see the warning signs of someone cheating on him before it gets to this point.


Total aside: I think that 'there is someone else' when you are engaged and living with someone may be a case of 'the grass is greener' syndrome. How well do you know this other exciting person, and will you be interested in them once the illicit thrill is gone and you're engaged to them?

Just food for thought.

Ayashe

I had an ex who gave me a BS excuse then came back a day later and told me the truth, I have to say that really has made things a nightmare to work through. My suggestion would be to end it truthfully, even if it is harsh.

Vlad

I don't really know if that would be a good thing or not. I've known people who were so paranoid about being cheated on that they'd start to assume that their SOs were cheating on them, which ironically enough, would typically lead to them cheating (or leaving) due to the constant accusations.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that the person should only be told enough to get the point across, any more could be seen as unnecessary piling on. If being told that she's not happy would be enough for him to accept that it's over, then that could be all that needs to be said. On the other hand, if that would set him off into trying to improve something that can't be improved, then it might be necessary to mention the other person just to help drive the point home.

And as far as I'm aware, I don't think it's been explicitly stated that she was "cheating on" her current bf, just that there was "someone else"... that could mean that there's just an attraction to someone else, combined with dissatisfaction with the current situation.

Or I could be just missing the subtext....

Psycho Dad

This thread now needs one of those solved tags IMHO.

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Ilow

I was going to say that "it's just not working out" or the similar "we're not connecting in all the ways I want" would be best, but I do see everyone's points about leaving some hope, or the desire to solve the "issue." That being said, I think you should go with "I'm in love with Ilow."

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lotsofmagnets

i´d agree with both jinn and james t kirk. honesty is the best policy but don´t rub it in unless they ask for details or want to know why. hearing you harp on about someone else won´t make them fee any better so offer only if asked....

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grumpyolddude

Honesty is best, ultimately. My concerns for Cali are logistical. Engaged and living together make the breakup a bit challenging and may require some diplomacy... or stealth.

You say he's a great guy? How does he handle emotional disappointments? Take care, girl. Stay safe.

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LoganSnake

Nice to know that majority will hide the truth.

Be honest. You owe him at least that much.

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ASU2003

I wouldn't want to know about the other guy. It's going to be devastating enough losing you, it is worst when you learn it was to some other guy.

PonyPotato

If he asks if there's someone else, be honest. If he struggles with the idea of breaking up and wants to work every little thing out, be honest.

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Psycho Dad

Technically "It's just not working out" is true. If there is someone else, it obviously isn't working out. It just leaves things somewhat open.

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Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

LoganSnake

Open enough to give the guy hope of patching things up. That's unfair.

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monkeysugar

If you have no issues with what you did/are doing there shouldn't be any problem telling him the truth. If he's as great of a guy as you say he is, I'd think at the very least he deserves to hear the (full) truth.

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little_tippler

I think it's pretty disrespectful to find someone else while you're still with someone. It's a pretty hard blow. I don't mean to judge but I feel strongly about this.

I answered the poll for myself, so my reply was "It's just not working out". That's what I'd want to hear (and I'd expect them not to ever cheat on me), and that's probably what I'd say (because I wouldn't cheat either).

In your case, if you're asking what to say relating to your truth, then I think you must be honest. If you don't tell him, you'll only be saving face for yourself. If you do tell him, it may hurt him more at the time, but it also may make him come to terms with it better, because he will probably realise you weren't the girl for him, because you cheated on him.

I do think that there are some things we don't need to hear, but if your relationship with this guy is that serious, I expect just a small goodbye will not suffice for him. Whatever you do, try not to draw it out. Quick and clean is always best to maintain some sanity and civility.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
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ASU2003

There might be a difference i saying you want to see other people and there actually is another guy.

Maybe you could help him find another girlfriend? That would make he breakup go a lot easier for him.

Poppinjay

The one time I was told there was somebody else was the worst breakup ever. I'd just as soon be told that it isn't working out, because knowing that she's heading over to somebody else to screw like a rabbit while I'm shopping for comfort food really fucks with my head.

Well, at least we were both getting fucked.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

ASU2003

I wonder if this guy was told that his girl was banging some other guy.

'40-Year-Old Virgin' actor charged with attempted murder - CNN.com

"Malil and the victim had apparently been in a dating relationship which recently ended," the statement said.

simulacrality

Sometimes i think people break up because they just annoy each other - when people fall in love they tend to spend 24 hours in each others pockets, or trousers or whatever - now if you spend that amount of time with anyone - after a while their bound to grate a little . . .

World's King

Fake your death.

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genuinegirly

Harsh. True. I vote for this path.

"unofficially engaged" means nothing. If he doesn't have the balls to inform every family member, every friend, that you are engaged... that's pretty messed up. If you're the one who wants to keep it unofficial, then I suppose he had some warning that you weren't completely attached.

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Cernunnos

Tell him truthfully that you lost the spark and found it with someone else, that it's time for you to move on. You have no desire to work things out, it would be better to continue along separate paths.

Daniel_

I chose "not working out" because I'd want to know BEFORE the cheating happened.

I've been cheated on and it is one of the most common and most insidious breaches of trust.

A decent person decides they want a new partner, leaves their current one, then tries out with a new one.

A shitty person feels that they MIGHT want a new partner, so they try a fling, and if they decide after they tried some that they want to buy some, they cause the breakup.

I wasmarried to one of the shitty ones.

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
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The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
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cmc

Jerry Seinfeld had a great angle on cheating: If you go out with someone, that's not cheating.
If you are in a committed relationship with someone, and then hook up with another person, that's cheating.
But to Cheat, you first have to be committed - because without commitment, you can't cheat.

On the subject, - I love simple - best effort honesty ... I believe that there is a ( God powered) playful - loving partner for me in this world. If the person I'm with does not feel, think, believe, hope, know that that is Her - then she helps me the most ( or moist) by simply communicating to me that I'm not a one for her ... and vise versa ... as the process to connecting with a 'soul mate' cannot be denied. I've been in relationships where I WANTED to be committed - but in my heart of hearts did not feel blissful about our relationship. For the period of time that I - at some level knew she was not a one for me - and I did not have the courage to tell her & my self this, I did not respect her ability to be in a relationship where she was totally cherished --- bottom line - real intimacy to me seems impossible without honesty - with self ( 1st ) and with my play partner. I think that law of love is - the gifts I give my others - are the gifts I give my self. So for me - I think that I am bound by the laws of the universe to give a partner the truth - hopefully gently and peacefully - if I want to be 'worthy' of receiving my self from others ( any and all others ) ...

P.S. - in the ground breaking book titled ' Getting the Love You Want ' - by Harville Hendrix - he wrote a list of 10 things to do to have 'conscious marriage' and the last of the 10 is this: No # 10 - one begins to see and understand that it is first and foremost about BEING THE RIGHT partner - rather than about finding the right partner.