noodlebee

Wow. I have not made a thread in this forum for some time.... I have lurked for a while, however. Anyway, it is finally my turn to ask for advice here.

I have a boyfriend for 2 years. I think it is mostly steady relationship. We have honest and direct communication. We also do our best to try understand each other. My boyfriend accepts me very much and we both sometimes make small changes to habits to compromise. For example, I do not like his friends but I try to be more friendly and social with them. It is usually a long distance relationship because of different university cities. Sometimes, one of us also needs to return to our home country to visit family. We also have interests that are very different. He likes to go shopping and play sports like squash and tennis. I prefer to learn different things and think. He likes city life and I like nature.

I have a roommate that I lived with for 6 months. We did not know each other before until I rented a vacant room inside our building. When we talked to each other, we can talk for a very long time about different subjects. This is something that I do not do with my boyfriend because he is a quiet person. I am also a quiet person and always prefer to listen instead. This was okay at first. My roommate and I thought we were platonic friends. I liked to learn about his opinions and debate very much. Sometimes we will also go hiking without anyone else.

A few days ago, my roommate was extremely depressed and stressed because he had a big project to finish for work. He said I was good company because I listened to him and good for bouncing ideas. He said he will take a vacation immediately after it is done.

One day, he said that I am an "ideal woman" because I did not have material demands and enjoy listening to people talk. He also likes my habits for housework that I don't mind cleaning up things that are not my mess. He complained about his ex-girlfriend for being opposite for a very long time, so I thought at first he was just in his usual moods to rant about women. But when he changed the topic about my boyfriend, I told him that sometimes we have things that do not match. For example, I like to go hiking but my boyfriend prefers city activities. I also do not like that we are both quiet. Then, he tells me I am an "ideal woman" again and I should have someone better. When I looked at him, the way he said it and watched me made me nervous.

Yesterday night until this morning, I stayed awake with him while he was working because I was worried he will get too stressed. He also needed help for computer issues that I can solve. I just sat in the corner to read his work, or sometimes my own books after I finish helping him with one part. Sometimes he took small breaks to chat with me, and most of them are normal topics. But closer to sunrise, we were both tired and acting funny. Sometimes we laughed at stupid things. He tried to ask me questions and make topics about relationships and sound like it was just innocent discussions like we usually have. But his topics were about issues that include demographics for him and me. When he said those topics, I am not sure about my facial reaction or if he saw me. I think I blushed a lot because my heart suddenly beat very fast.

After his work was done, I took a shower to get ready to sleep. He was getting ready for work. When I went out of the bathroom, he was gone but he put his cell phone number on my door, saying he will visit his cousins after work for vacation. He has left for vacation and business trips many times but he never gives me his cell phone number. This is because my landlord lives in the same building so I can just go tell him directly for emergency instead of asking roommates. So I thought this was very strange. His note also said "You can call me if you are bored".

In some ways, I feel guilty. I am not too sure if it is platonic or if I suddenly had a crush after what happened in the 5th paragraph. I have been thinking that it is disloyal to even feel like this when I already have a boyfriend. I try to remind myself that it is a stable relationship. My boyfriend is very good at understanding and accepting, instead of my roommate who likes to challenge ideas. But then I start to think that he is also very quiet and does not like to talk about philosophy or other discussions that my roommate does regularly.

My boyfriend and my roommate are both valuable people to me regardless, but I am not sure what to think or do. What is your advice?

There are maybe more things that I forgot to say since I am typing fast. I will say more if you have questions.

surferlove007

I would say find a new place to live if you feel like you're going to be tempted or put into a hard place with your roommate. You can still stay friends with him, but living together makes things weird if he's attracted to you.

Just get yourself out of that situation if you can.
Also mention it to your boyfriend, since you say you guys are open and honest with one another he might have some good ideas on what you should do.

Crack

this is more of a "Love V" since your boyfriend does not have a thing for your roommate or vice versa...

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Bill O'Rights

Wellllll...it sounds to me as if it's a mutual attraction. Makes things even weirder.

Noodlebee, you need to take advantage of the time that your "roommate" is on vacation, sit down, collect your thoughts, and seriously evaluate what it is that you want. It sounds as if roommate guy is filling a need that boyfriend guy is not fulfilling. You need to dig deep and decide if this is an infatuation, a crush, or the beginning of something bigger. Or...it could all just be a severe lack of sleep coupled with the beginnings of a head cold. What do I know? Dr. Phil, I ain't.

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Menoman

I think the problem is not so much him being interested in her... but also that she may be attracted to him as well.

I got no advice really, evaluate the long distance relationship, is it worth it? Are the differences between you worth it?

Evaluate how you feel about this other guy as well.

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noodlebee

I think I will tell my boyfriend no matter what, because I can trust him that he does not overreact (maybe just a little bit at first, but he is usually very good in his emotions). But I am not too sure when to tell. He was away for 3 months to work and visit family and we only had telephone and online communication that time. He will be back in Canada tonight. He will maybe stay with his relatives for a while because he needs to give them gifts from his family, also to cure his jetlag. When should I tell?

Hahahaha.... well, the mutual attraction was even before that big project deadline with no sleep. It was a few days before it so I was using that time also to think what to do. I still have no conclusion and dancing in circles, which is why I am writing this to ask advice.

Both relationships are worth it, if at least for friendships.I do not want to lose them even if I return to single and both of them are my friends. It is difficult to judge which is MORE worth it.

My boyfriend's personality has the best feature for being very understanding and tries hard to think about compromise. He has a generous heart and always honest. His honesty is also for the intention of good things instead of hurtful comments or similar things. To go deeper, he is also Chinese so I am more comfortable to speak with him. We also have similar philosophy about family values. All his friends tell me that his is trustworthy and loyal. But I already said our interests are very different. Sometimes I will go watch him play sports but I cannot participate because I injured my hand before so it can be boring. He also does not like it when I ask to go hiking but is happy to spend time with me. The topics we talk are usually about his friends and gossip or cars. Cars is okay, but I would like more variety.

My roommate is a genius, which is why it is so fun to listen and debate. I do not use many words to talk to him, but he can easily understand what my idea or debate is. He is white and we speak mostly English because both our French is poor. He is also honest but his honesty is more for the intention of challenge. He has few friends because of this, but that is okay with me because I already like his close friends. His compassionate heart is more similar to mine because we both like volunteering and have similar ideas that it is a duty to help improve the world. But sometimes he can have strange moods that make me worry because he says it makes him crave drugs while he is trying to quit (just light things, shrooms, pot...). The good thing is that he knows I have asthma so he does not like to smoke anything, including cigarettes, when I am there. He also has different family values that is more individualistic.

But feelings aside, I still feel confused about what I should do morally. I am thinking about a different person while I am still in a relationship. I cannot really blame my roommate for his remarks because I noticed my voice waver and go quiet when I talk about my boyfriend's problems, which I did not say until recently. He previously did not try to court me. I also cannot say there is much fault in my boyfriend. He is truly loyal even in long distance relationship. So now I feel unloyal for thinking like this.

The Magic

You have to decide what is best for you.

I worry about your roommate making claims like you are his "ideal" woman. This is how I saw my current girlfriend when we began our relationship almost 8 months ago, but that view has changed slightly. I think if people enter a relationship assuming the other person to be some kind of "ideal", they will end up either altering their thinking and be understanding of their partner, or they will feel disappointed. You might want to think about how deep his need to challenge runs and how much he needs this ideal women.

You and your boyfriend have a long history and it sounds like he cares a lot about you. If there were ever a situation in your life that you honestly feel drained/depressed about, your boyfriend sounds like he would be there to help you, understand your situation, and display care.

In my opinion, if you know your roommate could not display the kind of caring and compassion required to accept you and be understanding should you ever fail to live up to his ideal women desire, then he is not worth it and there is nothing to debate about in your mind.

However, if you think he cares about you enough and could be accepting of you...Then the debate continues.

ttoozz

Dear Noodlebee, on a completely unrelated note, I just wanted to compliment you on your writing style. I usually try and stay away from long posts. But the way you describe things kept me glued to the screen to read every word.

On the other hand, I believe you are quite capable of distinguishing between right and wrong. In most cases the fun and adventurous "other" person is not the right one for you. And I think your attraction to him stems mostly from the amount of time you spend with him being that you are roommates. But on the other hand your boyfriend's long term abesnce is not very healthy for your relationship for as much of a wonderful person as he is. He doesn't deserve the heart break.

This is really a tough call.

cadre

Noodlebee, I don't think you should feel guilty about thinking about being with another guy. It happens, that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell your boyfriend though.

Ultimately you cannot date both men so you'll have to decide if your boyfriend is worth giving up for this new guy. If you decide your roommate's not worth breaking up with your boyfriend for though, you need to tell your roommate that nothing will happen between you two and make sure he understands it. If he is a good guy like you say, telling him it's not going to happen will hopefully keep things from getting too weird.

You can't put off making a decision forever so take some time and figure out what you want. Don't lead both on.

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Infinite_Loser

All I want to know is why are you rooming with another guy when you have a boyfriend? That's a disaster just waiting to happen...

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noodlebee

I am living with him because I moved in the middle of semester. This was the only place that was okay for my budget and inside a quiet neighbourhood in our university city. He was living there when I came. My landlord said he was extremely quiet.

My boyfriend and my roommate knows my habits in the same way. They know I am very quiet and need a lot of time by myself. Sometimes I accidentally ignore people if I am thinking intensely, or I do not want to say anything no matter what. I have also lived with my boyfriend for a semester. Anything that is bad about me should be quite visible. I do not attempt to hide habits inside my home so both of them should have decent judgment about my character.

My boyfriend and my roommate have a different type of compassion. My boyfriend is more personal so he is very good to his friends, family and me. But he does not care too much about a bigger community, which I do. My roommate cares more about the bigger community and selects which people he truly loves, like just one sister and one brother in his large family. So it is really difficult to judge. However, I know for sure that it is more visible in my boyfriend.

Thank you for encouraging me about my boyfriend. Still not sure what will happen, but for now I asked my boyfriend to visit me very soon. It is easier like that because his university city and mine are very close, but his relatives are far away (they pick him up at the airport). I hope it is before my roommate returns from vacation so I have time alone with my boyfriend and have a better judgment.

Plan9

Living with somebody before getting to know them is a great way to learn how to hate them.

Too hot, too heavy, right there-too much.

You need distance at first.

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Whatever you can carry.

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jorgelito

That's pretty shitty and disrespectful of another dude to go after you when he knows you have a boyfriend. And what are you doing serving his needs? Sounds like the roommate has a fetish and you fulfill his fantasies.

Ask yourself this: Would this have happened if you were not in a long distance relationship? Could it be the loneliness of your boyfriend being away that is causing you to have these "feelings" for your roomate? It could be situational. That is you are projecting onto the closest thing anf that happens to be your roomate.

You should also move out or find a female roomate.

TheCrumblenaut

jorgelito brought up exactly what I was thinking - I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend and in the past we've had some issues with losing touch. It's really difficult to feel a close connection when both of you are quiet. Seeing him and spending some time with him will give you a much better idea of where things are going. Good luck

analog

Your roommate is hitting on you, and probably would like to get to know you even more. Like... intimately.

He's no longer platonic. He's gone to "I like this chick". Establish boundaries soon, or you will string him along, and that's not cool. Or, hey, see how you feel about him in relation to your boyfriend.

Just don't forget the "grass is always greener" factor. Sometimes it's easy to see someone else as interesting/fun, and maybe "better", when in fact you're just looking for a little escape from the norm. That type of situation is not fair for anyone.

noodlebee

I have thought about this more for the past couple days, and it seems that I like my roommate more. By this, I mean that if I was single and had to choose one of them, I would choose my roommate instead. My roommate has more in common with me for serious issues like life goals and what we want in a relationship. There are also other reasons, but they are too personal to say. I think this is still too soon to make a judgment so I will try to think more.

But for my meeting with my boyfriend, he will not be able to visit me for a long time and it is expensive to travel to his relatives' city. So far, we are thinking of making the schedule so he visits next Friday, but my roommate returns home on Sunday. Should I tell my boyfriend about my thoughts sooner or face to face instead?

I am hoping sooner, because I want to know his thoughts in detail and also have more time to think after learning his feelings. But it may look disrespectful to tell on the phone/online (sometimes need to online if his relatives are sleeping or working) instead of face to face.

If it is later when we talk face to face, we will have better judgment of our body language and tone of voice. But this will be less time to process that judgment or maybe it will seem I am disrespectful for delaying.

Which do you think is better?

MrFriendly

Be prepared for the fact that you're most likely going to hurt your boyfriends feelings with this.

But you have to do what you have to do.

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You are not a slave

TheCrumblenaut

If you wait till you're face to face, I'd be very cautious to not let things progress with the roommate even if you think you're more compatible. Should you realize you still want to be with your boyfriend, you don't want to regret something you've said (or done) to your roommate after the fact. Hope things go as well as they can.

Manic_Skafe

noodlebee, I managed to get myself into a similar situation a few years ago and while I don't regret the final decision I came to - as it resulted in the greatest relationship I've ever experienced and it's still going strong - there are plenty of things I'd have done differently.

All in all, you've got to make the decision that you believe to be most to your advantage but I can't stress enough that someone will probably be hurt by the decision you come to. Be gentle with their hearts and sever the ties completely with the one that wasn't chosen.

And while I certainly may have missed it in your posts, I don't remember reading anywhere that you and your boyfriend tried to work out these issues and keep things interesting. You say that you don't have much beyond cars and gossip to discuss with your boyfriend but have you two honestly tried to make things better?

How sure are you that rather than another lover, a bit of change may be in order? If you two have tried to no avail and your issues are beyond repair then you I think you should end things with your boyfriend either way.

And how sure are you that this roommate of yours is who he presents himself to be? Have you known him long enough to really trust him?

...

Good luck.

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Infinite_Loser

Well, now that the decision has been made, I guess it's safe to add in my worthless $.02.

This is, by far, one of the shittiest things to do to another person. I feel really sorry for your current boyfriend. You see, there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship; It happens as people drift apart. However, when you end an otherwise good relationship to be with the guy you were rooming with (Who wasn't even your boyfriend, mind you) and who was hitting on you the entire time you had a boyfriend-- Which you allowed-- Seems pretty cheateresque to me (Evidenced by the fact that you felt too guilty to tell your boyfriend).

I really, truthfully want to wish you the best in your new relationship but I just can't do it. I'm a strong believer in the 'You reap what you sow' philosophy and well... Let's just say you're building up some really bad Karma.

That's all I've gotta' say.

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noodlebee

Manic_Skafe, I know someone will eventually hurt. Any sort of hurt on people makes me also feel painful, and I feel guilty. Sorry, I didn't say about trying to work out issues in this thread, but we have. We haven't had much agreement and some of his beliefs even seem hypocritical to me (too personal to say). We would talk about it and then become "agree to disagree", which is a bit strange for relationship. If he was just a stranger or good friend, then "agree to disagree" can be more comfortable.

I am usually a passive person, so I let people lead the conversation. I also prefer to listen to people instead of talking. My boyfriend actually made me more interested in cars, and I can talk a bit to him about that. I also don't mind listening to him. But there is not much variety. Sometimes, I try to talk about things I am more passionate about like volunteer work, but he is not interested. We have also tried compromising in activities so we would go hiking in the morning and then shopping in the afternoon. But those activities seem like done alone. He does not like to find small creatures or look at funny plants on hikes, I do not like looking at clothes but I try to take interest in electronics. Also, I already said I cannot play sports with him because of physical injury.

Thinking deeper, it is probably 2 months ago when I started falling out of love with him. He was away in a foreign country. I was depressed because of other family issues and usually I do not want to talk when depressed. So I did not talk much to either my boyfriend or roommate. But the issues inside my family made me think longer about the future, and I realise how both my boyfriend and I are acting when in different places is not much different from being single. We are both not flirty people and I personally don't mind to be single. It seems we talk more like friends but then also have sex when we meet. Is that not like friends with benefits? My boyfriend is a valuable person to me regardless of what relationship or friendship, but it seems a bit strange when we have so many differences to be a couple.

Infinite_Loser, it really isn't "otherwise good" except that we both tried very hard to compromise. As I said previously, many things become "agree to disagree" because we both prefer to talk civilly. We rarely shout and never physical violence. My boyfriend has stable moral values which are good, but there can be some things that are different. Also, my roommate did not try to court me until a week ago. Before that, we just liked to talk about different topics like normal friends.

kutulu

I think that asking someone to come and visit so that you can break up with him is pretty fucked up. YOU have the bad news to deliver, YOU should be the one spending the money and being inconvenienced to deliver the bad news. If you can't afford to go out there, then just break it off over the phone. If it is a lost cause then he's better off not wasting the money to have his heart broken.

cadre

Noodlebee, I agree with kutulu here. If you are deciding to break up with your boyfriend you shouldn't make him come to you to do it. He's going to be hurt no matter what you do but little things like going to him and not delaying will help. Once you break up with him though, break it off completely. I mean, don't try to stay friends with him. At very least give it some time first.

It sounds like you've made up your mind. If that's the case I think you should just go ahead and call your boyfriend and tell him everything. There's no sense in putting it off.

Also, be careful about getting into a relationship with your roommate right away. I would take a step back and make sure that he is who you think he is before you date him.

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

RenaissanceII

IF you are comfortable with the possibilities

GO FOR IT.....

Life is too short not to

/have missed some opportunities, am preparing myself for others

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Anais Nin


I Wish You Well.

ItWasMe

It would be easy for someone to tell you to "tell him everything." But would that be to punish you because they disagreed with your decision, or to make it easier on your boyfriend?

I would suggest thinking carefully about what you tell him, and what he needs to know. It sounds like he is aware of your differences/problems because you have 'worked hard to compromise' as you said. Be upfront about the fact that you want to see others when you break up. And be ready to answer questions. If he asks if there is someone else, and he probably will, you can tell the truth that there is someone you would like to, but that you haven't. Whether or not you tell him who it is, is up to you. But if the breakup is because it is a lost cause, be sure to stress that.

And before I get bashed that "he deserves to know everything," it is not going to make it easier for him to open with "there's someone else." I have been on the receiving end of "I've met someone else." I am not suggesting lying or hiding everything. I am suggesting being careful about what you say and how you say it. You know your situation better than we do.

About that roomie...beware of people who say you are their 'dream girl' because you don't mind picking up after them. Take it slow and make sure you aren't in 'rebound mode.' Because it almost sounds as if you were on the rebound before the breakup. And we women sometimes make stupid choices when on the rebound.

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noodlebee

kutulu, did you not read my previous posts about why it is better for my boyfriend to visit me? His relatives live very far from both our university cities. It is almost similar distance from his or my city, but both our university cities are close. When he comes, he will be with all his luggage to also return to his city. To explain more, regardless of a continued relationship or just friendship, I will help him to move to his new apartment.

And I have read some other general online advice about relationships too. They usually say "no communication", but I think it is different for us. It was no communication after past relationships but my boyfriend and I can talk more easily about feelings.

Now I think I want to be single for some time before anything else. Despite the compromise and what looks like a very good and harmonious relationship, there are some issues that are too personal and I never said in this thread. He is wise enough to know what we both did and thought wrongly, so we can talk about it maturely. But when we talked about it, we agree further compromise by action of these things is too difficult to repair.

He phoned me last night and we said some things about the relationship. It was clear communication and we know how our past actions affected how much. He said he will come visit me no matter what to see what. Of course, I know he prefers to keep the relationship but he is not too stupid to think physical contact can make drastic change long term but we both prefer to finalise decisions face to face.

For now, my goal is to be single or at the very least some time separation. I want to know in more detail what things I can truly compromise and what things I am intolerant. In the relationship with my boyfriend, that was very vague so it was difficult personally.

For my roommate, I still think about him but the priority for all of us for now is to make sure everything is stable emotionally. My responsibility is to think more while I am alone.