Pogue Mahone

First off, I want to say that I've been trying to write this thread since I re-joined the TFP, but haven't been able to get the courage to.

About three and a half years ago, I discovered that my girlfriend at the time was cheating on me. I was a freshman in college and she was still in high school. The Tuesday before Valentine's day, as I was driving home (I went to a community college for a year), I drove by her school. Not to be weird, my home's just down the street from it. In any case, as I was waiting at a red light, I looked over to my right, and she was kissing some guy at the Starbuck's across the street. I broke up with her later that day.

I'm still going through the process of getting over her. And for the most part, I am. The worst thing is, though, she was the first, and thus far, only girl I've had sex with. And the fact that she cheated on me has severely crippled my sex life. I feel like it was my fault and I don't want to be hurt like that again. As a defense mechanism, I've intentionally become emotionally distant and sabotage my relationships. Whenever anyone gets close to me, I shut myself up. I've had two girlfriends since. Neither went far because of my fear. And it's been three and a half years since I've had sex. And I feel that until I can get over my fear of intimacy, I won't have sex, let alone a girlfriend, in the forseeable future.

How can I get past this? I'm sick of sabotaging relationships. Any advice?

__________________
I still wave at the dots on the shore
And I still beat my head against the door
I still rage and wage my little war
I'm a shade and easy to ignore

World's King

The best way to get a girl out of your head is to fuck her out.



Find some slut in a bar. Fuck her. Never talk to her again.



The point of this is to have at least one sexual experience between your future girlfriend and and the girl that cheated on you. So when you start thinking about sex you think about that night you got blown in the parking lot of a Taco Bell at 3am and not of the ex doing the same... but to someone else.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Vlad

Well, as cliche as it sounds, at least you've realized that you have this problem. Since you realize what you're doing, you have the chance to change it.

Unfortunately, the only way to change it is to force yourself to change it. You were hurt, and going on the defensive is natural. However, if you want someone to be close to you, you have to allow yourself to be close to them. You've pretty much got to force yourself to go against your defensive instincts when you feel yourself closing off.

The way I see it, letting yourself open up does mean that there's the chance that you'll get hurt, but there's also the chance that you won't. If you remain closed off, you won't get hurt, but you'll never find any special connections that way, either. Sure, not playing it safe has its risks, but there's also the rewards. It sounds like you're ready to try and get the rewards, but you have to accept the risk.

Plan9

Wow, you sound as whiny and pathetic as I do when I post here.

"Wha-wha-deployment. Wha-wha-wife-left-me."

Apparently everybody else here knows some secret to success, right?

Or they wear steel breastplates to keep the daggers out of their hearts.

I vote for the latter. Steel breastplates are teh hawtness.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

MrFriendly

Aaaaaaaah Crompsin, you're a strange and funny fellow

I think Vlad pretty much hit the nail of the head. You have to take risks and chances. You do really have accept the fact the closer you let someone get to you, the more they can hurt you, but it works both ways man.

One day you'll be put in the position where you'll do something that hurts someone else, depending on what kind of person you are, it's a horrible feeling when you realise what you've done.

The truth is, you will get hurt again. But yu know what, it's totally worth it for all the good shit you'll experience.

Just remember dude, nothing lost and is nothing gained.

Sometimes you just gotta launch yourself head first into life and deal with consequences as you need to, just roll with the punches.

All the best with the future man, I reckon you'll do just fine :-)

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You are not a slave

lurkette

You've fallen prey to one of the biggest fallacies there is - in relationships, in life in general - namely, that the pain you fear (PYF) as a result of opening up and getting hurt > the small pain and loneliness you're going through in your head right now because of avoiding the potential PYF. You're trying to avoid being miserable by being miserable. Crazy, no? This girl cheated on you (which, oddly enough, probably had less to do with you than with her) 3 & 1/2 YEARS AGO and you're still condemning yourself to suffer through it. Time to cut it out and MOVE ON!

So: how do you do that?

You go out and take risks. The next time you feel yourself "intentionally closing up" you just choose not to. You listen to the voice in your head that says "never again" and thank it for sharing and trying to keep you safe, and go on about your business enjoying the company of the person you're with. It might take some practice, but you have to just be willing to be done with the way you're doing things now and keep practicing! Good luck.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Judy Taber

"You just choose not to..."

Do you realize how difficult that is? All the human suffering in all the history of mankind could most likely be avoided if people could follow those 5 little words.

WhiteRaven

it is difficult, but not impossible, and the growth that comes of making that very hard decision is life changing - the more you do it, the bolder you will become.

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lost and searching

Vlad

Well, yeah, but in this particular case, it fits.

There's no easy answer to the OP's dilemma. He's aware of his particular problem, he knows that it is a problem, he wants to try and improve, and since it's his own actions that are causing the problem in the first place, it really does come down to just not doing the things he knows he's doing in the first place. He's got all the initial steps out of the way. He knows what he's doing, he knows why he's doing it, there's really not much left to do but the actual change.

Perhaps he's never talked about this with anybody before? In situations like this, where you need to change something, but just can't get the motivation to do it, actually explaining the problem to other people and getting responses can be just the thing that flips the switch that makes the person motivated enough to start doing what they know needs to be done. Actually talking about a problem really makes it seem more "real", and can give that sense of "wow, I really do have to make a change".

Plan9

Lurkette,

PYF?

Oh, I don't know if I use "pain you fear" enough to make an acronym outta it.

I mean, god, I just got out of acronym hell... the military.

I jus... nevermind.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

lurkette

Yes, I know how difficult it is, and yes, you're exactly right that suffering could be avoided if people could follow those words.

However, I stand by it. Your emotions are, to a large extent, the results of cognitive processes that are under your control. And sometimes those cognitive processes are, to be blunt, fucked up. We think they're logical, but they're not. For example: "because X happened to me once before, it WILL happen to me again and I have to do everything in my power to prevent X from happening again." It spawns all kinds of little sub-processes (like "this girl likes me...if I ask her out again we might really like each other and then she'll cheat on me: OH NO!! That's "X" happening again! Run away!") and the more you can identify and alter those subprocesses, the more power you'll have over the unwanted emotions they generate and support.

Sorry if this sounds very clinical, but it's the best way I've found to break down a cognitive and emotional barrier I'm "done with." I've used it to trash a number of "stories" about myself and my life that were damaging - like "I'm unlovable" and "I'm ugly" and blah blah blah. It's hard, but if you're willing to do what it takes to be in control of your own emotional state, it's totally fucking worth it.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

ratbastid

I have a quibble with this statement, my love. In my experience, I don't have a lot to say about the thoughts I have or the emotions that come up for me. Now, what I do with my thoughts and emotions, I'm completely in control of.

It's an important distinction, because if you have a (for want of a much better word) "bad" emotion, and you're supposed to be in control of your emotions, that's a problem and it means you're not doing something right, and from there it's a short spiral into the toilet. Versus if you have a (sigh) "bad" emotion and that's not a problem for you, it's just an emotion you're having and it has nothing to do with the actions you choose, then you still have the power in life.

I don't think that's far at all from what you're saying, I just wanted to give my two cents on this one nuance that I think can cause some mischief.

Acetylene

Spend some time living in the "now". Every day take some time to do something simple and pleasurable and don't THINK about it while you do it. You probably think I'm talking about masturbating but I actually mean somethign like a walk in a park, a cookie at a bakery, a popcorn movie, or a really good song.

Let the past and the future take care of themselves for a while. Be like a dog or a bird:

I have food! HOORAY!
I'm sleepy, oh man this couch is so comfortable, HOORAY!
I pooped! HOORAY!

Animals don't worry about whether they will have food tomorrow or whether they had food yesterday. They are just happy to have food RIGHT NOW. Similarly, don't worry that this girl won't like you tomorrow. Just enjoy that she likes you NOW.

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There's no justice. There's just us.

Sultana

As amazing as it sounds, being cheated on by a HS girl is by far not the worst thing that will happen to you, if you live life right.

Let it go.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

StellaLuna

First of all, I now desperately want a steel breastplate. ratbastid... u buy for me?

Pogue, hon, you had to deal with some bullshit. Welcome to the party. But it's not going to stay "bad" because of one girl. We're not all horrible people. She wasn't the right one for you, and that's alright. If we all broke down completely every time something went wrong, we'd be pretty much fucked as a society. I can't say I've been in your shoes, but I've had to deal with my marriage dissolving around me. I could have said, "Well, that's it, I hate relationships and am never doing that again." Instead, my life has become a wonderful learning experience into just how supportive and loving a good relationship can be. It will get better. You need to find those people that you can trust, and let yourself trust them. Acetylene has such a good idea... live like a puppy. Enjoy right now. Fear of the future is putting the horse all the way down the street from the damn cart (I do this myself, it sucks). Let yourself be happy with someone you've got and see if you can't break out of this nasty cycle.

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Screw tradition!

Pogue Mahone

Thanks, everybody, for their advice! That's exactly why I brought my issue up here. I've been trying to apply the "carpe diem" state of mind for a while now, but it's easier said than done (for me, at least), but I'm sure that if I keep plugging away at it and don't give up, that I'll be able to do it. Same goes with the closing up thing.

I'll be sure to write an update here soon.

Thanks again.

__________________
I still wave at the dots on the shore
And I still beat my head against the door
I still rage and wage my little war
I'm a shade and easy to ignore

Shauk

my secret is to just stop putting women on a pedestal. I used to respect women just for the fact that they were women but I found often times that it was undeserved. You, 1st of all, as cold as this sounds, can and will have the ability to take care of yourself and your needs, be a little selfish. Find a cute girl to chat up but dont make the mistake of trusting or respecting her to start, that shit needs to be earned.

now, on the subject of sex, it is BETTER to go to town with someone who you trust and respect vs someone you dont.

you have to seperate the mental from the physical, cuz right now from the sounds of it, your mental is crippling your physical.


however, truth be told, you don't NEED sex to survive, you don't even need human interaction, you could just stay all tangled up, but whatever, I don't think its the most healthy life to live at that point.

or, you know, pick someone elses advice, as my life is kinda fucked up in its own way too.

surferlove007

Haha that made my 8:00 hour lol

Now for my advice...maybe try that speed dating.
There are a lot of weirdies...but you might meet someone who you can do the old in-out with and get over this.

I've been hurt before in the past but for some reason I wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes.
I'd rather love and have lost than never love again...if that makes any sense.
So you had a bad experience...it's not like you're old.
Plenty of time to move on.

noodle

This is one of my favorite replies. It's blunt and so very true. My SO and I had this dicussion and people of the opposite sex can be very intimidating and there are so many cultural somethings-I-can't-think-of-the-word-for so I'll use "sterotypes"... men are "strong" and "powerful", women are "cunning" and "emotional". Everyone has to earn their respect and trust IMO. You don't just do whatever Mom says when you're 35 just because she's "Mom" do you? Nope. Mom has either proven herself to be a reliable instructor or not, over time.

I went a really long time from my first kiss, which was with a complete asshole who scarred me emotionally in three days to even being able to accept a date. 4 years I think. I had to be friends with guys I wasn't attracted to first. Then I eventually moved into dating... another asshole, oops. And I met the man I fell for years later. We were friends first. I shut down almost immediately with everyone else, but practice trusting in little bits and pieces worked for me. Tell people the goofy things that you're embarrassed about, but aren't so emotionally charged. In non-sexual relationships.
I'm a slow-mover, and I have a couple of friends that I challenged to use the same pattern who were able to move on a lot faster than I did. But I'm a cynic. And a reformed mental health counselor. It's okay to take your time. As long as you are moving the teeniest bit forward, you're still moving.

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Sultana

Shauk, I think this is one of the best things I've seen you post.

It's very true, and insightful to this particular situation.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.