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Originally Posted by Pogue Mahone
First off, I want to say that I've been trying to write this thread since I re-joined the TFP, but haven't been able to get the courage to.
About three and a half years ago, I discovered that my girlfriend at the time was cheating on me. I was a freshman in college and she was still in high school. The Tuesday before Valentine's day, as I was driving home (I went to a community college for a year), I drove by her school. Not to be weird, my home's just down the street from it. In any case, as I was waiting at a red light, I looked over to my right, and she was kissing some guy at the Starbuck's across the street. I broke up with her later that day.
I'm still going through the process of getting over her. And for the most part, I am. The worst thing is, though, she was the first, and thus far, only girl I've had sex with. And the fact that she cheated on me has severely crippled my sex life. I feel like it was my fault and I don't want to be hurt like that again. As a defense mechanism, I've intentionally become emotionally distant and sabotage my relationships. Whenever anyone gets close to me, I shut myself up. I've had two girlfriends since. Neither went far because of my fear. And it's been three and a half years since I've had sex. And I feel that until I can get over my fear of intimacy, I won't have sex, let alone a girlfriend, in the forseeable future.
How can I get past this? I'm sick of sabotaging relationships. Any advice?
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Well, as cliche as it sounds, at least you've realized that you have this problem. Since you realize what you're doing, you have the chance to change it.
Unfortunately, the only way to change it is to force yourself to change it. You were hurt, and going on the defensive is natural. However, if you want someone to be close to you, you have to allow yourself to be close to them. You've pretty much got to force yourself to go against your defensive instincts when you feel yourself closing off.
The way I see it, letting yourself open up does mean that there's the chance that you'll get hurt, but there's also the chance that you won't. If you remain closed off, you won't get hurt, but you'll never find any special connections that way, either. Sure, not playing it safe has its risks, but there's also the rewards. It sounds like you're ready to try and get the rewards, but you have to accept the risk.