|
On Fear Of Intimacy...
First off, I want to say that I've been trying to write this thread since I re-joined the TFP, but haven't been able to get the courage to.
About three and a half years ago, I discovered that my girlfriend at the time was cheating on me. I was a freshman in college and she was still in high school. The Tuesday before Valentine's day, as I was driving home (I went to a community college for a year), I drove by her school. Not to be weird, my home's just down the street from it. In any case, as I was waiting at a red light, I looked over to my right, and she was kissing some guy at the Starbuck's across the street. I broke up with her later that day.
I'm still going through the process of getting over her. And for the most part, I am. The worst thing is, though, she was the first, and thus far, only girl I've had sex with. And the fact that she cheated on me has severely crippled my sex life. I feel like it was my fault and I don't want to be hurt like that again. As a defense mechanism, I've intentionally become emotionally distant and sabotage my relationships. Whenever anyone gets close to me, I shut myself up. I've had two girlfriends since. Neither went far because of my fear. And it's been three and a half years since I've had sex. And I feel that until I can get over my fear of intimacy, I won't have sex, let alone a girlfriend, in the forseeable future.
How can I get past this? I'm sick of sabotaging relationships. Any advice?
__________________
I still wave at the dots on the shore
And I still beat my head against the door
I still rage and wage my little war
I'm a shade and easy to ignore
|