asaris

So, first a bit of background. I met this girl in mid-March, we ended up hooking up, and started going out. We both knew going into it that we'd likely be spending the summer apart. It turned out really well; we both click just great. So a few weeks before the end of the semester, we decided that we weren't going to break up for the summer, but to try and do the long distance relationship thing, with her in D.C. and myself in West Michigan.

As a further bit of background, I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, and this is certainly my first long distance relationship. So, while I suspected I'd probably miss her a bit, I think I underestimated just how much I was going to miss her. And I know she misses me a lot too. We're planning on visiting each other at some point over the summer, but that's not for at least a couple weeks yet. So I thought I'd ask the wise people here for advice on how to deal with this sort of thing.

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"Die Deutschen meinen, daß die Kraft sich in Härte und Grausamkeit offenbaren müsse, sie unterwerfen sich dann gerne und mit Bewunderung:[...]. Daß es Kraft giebt in der Milde und Stille, das glauben sie nicht leicht."

"The Germans believe that power must reveal itself in hardness and cruelty and then submit themselves gladly and with admiration[...]. They do not believe readily that there is power in meekness and calm."

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Dilbert1234567

lots of communication, lots of patients...

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Donate Blood!

"Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

asaris

Patients? Or patience? The distinction may be important in this context...

__________________
"Die Deutschen meinen, daß die Kraft sich in Härte und Grausamkeit offenbaren müsse, sie unterwerfen sich dann gerne und mit Bewunderung:[...]. Daß es Kraft giebt in der Milde und Stille, das glauben sie nicht leicht."

"The Germans believe that power must reveal itself in hardness and cruelty and then submit themselves gladly and with admiration[...]. They do not believe readily that there is power in meekness and calm."

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

cycloptor

Exactly what dilbert said.... my girlfriend and i are unfortunatly in the same situation. her work (RCMP) means that she is away at training camp until october when she graduates, then we will be moving accross the country...but until then we will hardly see eachother. and we were living together for the last year.

its really really tough, but you can get through it. talk to eachother on the phone as much as possible, write emails whenever you want, go to the gym...do whatever you need to do. remember, time moves very quickly. things will be ok with you two as long as you communicate everything and realise that being apart is only temporary.

Dilbert1234567

you're a doctor right? by having plenty of patients, you can keep your mind busy...........


yeah, i can't spell...

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Donate Blood!

"Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

hrandani

Maybe I'm in the minority but I would never again enter willingly into a long distance relationship , ever. Not even as a last resort "just for a few months".

It's too draining, it's too hard. And if it stretches past your breaking point (you have to remember, that constitutes either one of you) then it's over even if you don't realize it. You're wasting your life pining for someone when you should adopt to change. That is even assuming equal fidelity, desire to stay together, nothing else goes wrong etc. Just paint me as the crusty, jaded 20 year old

tenniels

I agree with you, but if this is his first long distance relationship, I think it's one of those things he (and we all should) figure out for ourselves. I don't think I could do a long distance relationship again, too stressful. BUT, being in that long distance relationship taught me a lot about myself and relationships in general. What I did like about it is the freedom. I'm very independant and the space was nice, but to the extreme. I think it's worth experincing and seeing if it works for you. Talk lot's, send letters (romantic), send her your boxers and a t-shirt that smell like you (also romantic and she WILL wear them), text message, etc. Just communicate. And make sure you're on the same page of how you're feeling about the long distance thing.

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ItWasMe

Yep she'll probably sleep in them every night. Make sure they smell like your cologne, if you wear any.

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. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

pig

asaris,

where's your god now?!?

ok, couldn't resist...hopefully you won't mind the little jokey joke
listen not to these naysayers! i've had some awful experiences with long distance situations, but i've also had some great experiences with them. a lot of it depends on how well y'all really click, and what your individual personalities are. my first bit of advice is going to sound pretty fucked up; don't think about her all the time. tell her you think about her all the time; don't lie, just exaggerate a bit. that's how you start missing someone so much it kills the relationship...thinking about them all the time. so do other shit. i know i know, you're in western michigan and all; shit, head to chicago for the summer. next up; don't obsess over what she's doing all the time. tell her you think about her, but don't let yourself wonder too much what she's doing, who she's doing it with etc. once again, you'll go crazy. now, do all this romantic junk that's been suggested...i'm just saying that if you choose to make it a focus of your perspective that 'oh my god i'm in a long distance relationship...this is so hard...i miss her so much...oh, its friday night i wonder what she's doing?...' well, guess what you're going to be focussed on?

personally, i've always felt that if i was going to be 'serious' serious with someone, i'd rather have a period of time where we were separated...and i suppose i'd rather it be soon than late to some extent. regardless, as tenniels stated above, you do learn different things about your personalities, both as individuals and as a couple and the way you relate to one another. i would also suggest putting it in perspective; if it doesn't work out, what have you really lost? if you're aware that emotional pain is a part of life and that sometimes things go wrong or not as planned....well hmmm. this may sound a bit off, but i find i can somewhat enjoy the bittersweet pain of an emotional affair ending; that particular emotion is also a part of being alive, and being alive is pretty grand. so really, i don't see how you have anything to lose in this.

a lot of the way this plays out is completely within the power of the two of you to shape; so choose your perspectives and enjoy the summer.
get the fuck out of western michigan. that's a start

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Charlatan

trust
communication
understanding
masturbation

These four things have helped me through the last 10 months apart from my wife. It can be done but you both have to be fully on board to make it work.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Push-Pull

Did it once, a long, long time ago. Won't go into the emotional aspects of it, but as far as sex goes, we had a very high phone bill considering all we could hear of one another was heavy breathing.

If I were to do it again, I'd make sure that we had a webcam hook-up in operation.

Communication is the key. It's so easy with IM, email, webcamming, etc. But don't forget the handwritten letter. A couple pages written by you is much more romantic than any email.

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"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

abaya

Yeah, pigglet's right, don't listen to the negative opinions on this. My husband and I did 2 years long-distance, and got married at the end of it. We often saw each other every weekend, but sometimes our separation was up to two months (e.g. I was in rural Africa, incommunicado for weeks at a time). We were, and still are, big fans of sending very regular e-mails (we have sent up to 20 in one day, back and forth with telling each other little details and thoughts about our day), though the phone was not one of our strong points. Webcam can be fun, but even that gets old eventually.

Two friends of ours (engaged) have been long-distance, across the Atlantic (one in PA, the other in France) for nearly 3 years, seeing each other every 2-3 months. They have almost gone crazy, but they are hanging in there for about 6 more months. They send e-mails and call each other daily, and talk about all the little things that constitute their days. I think that is really essential, to share those details that you would hear about over dinner at night, or when falling asleep together.

Anything can be survived, if both of you are in the right time and place in your life to sustain such a commitment. If not, it will not last. Hang in there and see what happens... don't go into it thinking, "This isn't gonna work." That's a sure-fire way to cop out early.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Cynthetiq

eh... I never went into the long distance relationship thinking it would fail. I've written about it here many times. I spent all my money, time, energy, social engagements on hold for many years for whatever situations were to be and in the end we were not together.

In Charlatan's case I'm going to say being married or engaged to someone is vastly different.

If I could do it all over again, I would take a pass.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

abaya

True, not everyone goes into it thinking it won't work, and yet it still might not pan out. But do you think it was the distance that killed it, or was it something else? I mean, considering that many relationships fail even when two people live very close together, I would think that distance is just one of many strains that can happen to a relationship.

I don't believe in anyone being "meant" for anyone else (e.g. soulmates and other predestined-type crap), but I do think people need to be at the right time and place in their individual lives for things to work out as a couple. You could meet a very compatible partner "too early" in life, and eventually things just aren't gonna work out (distance or whatever else). But if you had met the same person a few years later, at the right time, then maybe nothing could have split you up, even years of long distance. That's where sheer timing & coincidence plays a part in situations like this, I think.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ratbastid

But you can rest easy in the long run, because the mounties always get their man!

Cynthetiq

Distance is just a factor like anything else. Distance doesn't allow for natural things to take their due course, such as being extra nice, forgiving, because the weekend you have together is the only time you have together and why spoil it? Especially in the beginning of the relationship.

I think in some cases though distance can mask and hide other problems. This was not the case for me, since when we got the opportunity to live together we did. I don't recall the timing of it when we broke up etc.

agreed on the timing, I had met the right person when I was ready.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

abaya

Yes, very well put... and I think it is almost unsurvivable, when it happens early in a relationship. You have to lay some kind of normal foundation, based on seeing each other regularly, before having the stamina to get through an extended distance.

I very much agree with this as well. I think distance can be both a test/catalyst/crucible, bringing people's true feelings and character into light, OR it can be used to not face reality and see that compatibility no longer exists. This is the case I'm afraid of with my transatlantic friends who are engaged... they almost don't know each other anymore, and they are starting to realize how much each person has changed after 3 years of that strain. They need to get to know one another again on a daily, physical basis before deciding to follow through with the planned marriage... at least, that is what one of them has told me.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

BigDonkey2

Totally agree. I've been in a few LDRs myself and with experience comes knowledge and wisdom. The first one for me was probably the toughest because my ex was in France studying abroad and we couldn't talk or email everyday, rather, only a few days a week. At one point, I didn't hear from her for two weeks. The time differential was hard too (9 hours), but thats an extreme case. Also, she ended up kissing some other guy there and didn't tell me until later. Then she decided to go back for another semester in France, which pretty much killed it. We were having problems anyways and looking back on it I don't think I was mentally ready to handle it.

The second was while I was playing baseball in Tennessee. It wasn't for long only for the summer. She was in California and I was in Tennessee. That just fell apart as time went on and blew up into a whole shit sandwhich.

The third I'm currently going through. She's in California (where I'm from) and I'm in Pennsylvania. Shes coming to visit in a few weeks, which I'm very excited about. It's the same situation; I'm playing baseball out here while she's back in CA surviving without me.

I have noticed some common tendencies bewteen all of theses relationships and I'd like to elaborate on the issues stated above by Charlatan.

1. Trust - You have to have complete trust in each other to have an LDR or everything will fall apart. She might think that if you don't answer your phone that you might be cheating or doing whatever if she doesn't trust you. Believe me, I've seen it happen. My roommate's girlfriend from spring training last year called him 128 times in one day because she thought he was cheating on her. NO JOKE. Everytime he didn't answer the phone she thought he was cheating on her. Alas, they're not together anymore.

2. Communication - This is another key issue. You need to be open and honest about everything that happens because if you lie about things its just going to magnify everything to the Nth degree. One lie starts another and starts another and it just snowballs from there. If there is a problem or something bugging you that shes doing/not doing you need to tell her because its just going to bother you and/or push you away. Talk everyday, email, text message, ANY form of communication everyday is a must. For some reason if you can't talk on a certain day because you're doing something TELL HER! Don't just say I can't talk tomorrow or whatever because girls are girls and will assume the worst or just get stupid thoughts in their head that are not rational whatsoever. COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE!!!

3. Understanding - You both need to be understanding with each other. You realize you miss each other but if you just sit there on the phone and sob about how much you miss each other its going to go nowhere. You both need to stay positive and be happy with where you are. Granted you are away from each other, you need to realize that you're not going to see each other for *insert time frame* and try to keep yourself occupied as best as possible. I made this mistake when my first ex went to France. I had nothing but time on my hands and sat around and did nothing and moped around for a few months being sad because I wasn't going to see her. You CANNOT do this. You will only make yourself more sad and lonesome. Keep busy by hanging out with friends and/or family or take up some new hobbies. Again, distance magnifies everything because you cannot be there to talk things out face to face. Talking things out on the phone and/or email is not the same. Facial expressions and such are taken differently on the phone and ESPECIALLY in emails. If she has to do something on a certain night and won't be able to talk to you don't be sad but just understand that she would really love to talk to you but she can't. Same for you. She can't get mopey and sad because you can't talk to her one night or day because you're busy. Talk as much as you can and/or want. On the other hand, don't sit on the phone all day with each other telling her how much you miss her. Talking too much on the phone can backfire as well because sometimes you have nothing to talk about and then you say you want to go do something and she'll react with "What you don't want to talk to me anymore?" It's happened before. Just a warning.

4. Masturbation - Everybody is different, but most men are the same. You need your fix. Do what you need to do and take care of business. Maybe if you guys have some alone time experiement with phone sex or get some webcams and have fun with those. This section is pretty self explanatory.

Again, all these things are super important and like Charlatan said, she HAS to be on board with you all the way. If she checks out a month or two into it and doesn't tell you then it will spell the end. That's where the communication part comes in. If you two communicate then that shouldn't be a problem. It's a perpetual cycle. If one thing is wrong you'll know it and can fix it. If not and you guys are fighting all the time on the phone or whatever then it might be best to cut your losses and call it quits. I don't mean to scare you off or anything but most of the things I've said here have happened to me and/or someone I know so I know what its like to be going through it. It takes a lot of work and effort to make a LDR work but if you're willing to do that then you'll come out a better couple at the end. As they say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." You sometimes take what you have for granted and don't realize what you have until you don't have it anymore. Such is the perfect example of the LDR. I miss the hell out of my girlfriend back home and it took this experience to realize how much she means to me and how much sacrifice she makes for me. I couldn't thank her enough for what shes done and her support for everything. I know in the end it will make us a better couple. My feelings for her are stronger now than they were before. A LDR forces you to become more independent, but at the same time, it also makes you realize what you have.

Good luck!

Dilbert1234567

dirty pictures back and forth can help too.

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Donate Blood!

"Love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Sam Keen

Scheme

My girlfriend at present i met in december of last year, when I met her she told me or I found out that she was moving to australia to work for a few years, before heading off to uk/america/greece i think it was. Initially after just knowing her for a few moments i felt sad about it, dunno why guess it was to me a love at first sight kind of thing, well more of an aweness at first sight.

Anyways after a few weeks of knowing her we hooked up and started what we called a freinds with benefits relationship, kinda weird at the time because hse was a virgin so the benefits were really just having someone be really close to you. To me since i got to know her she's become my best friend so that suited me well. Anyways after a month or two she was no longer a virgin, the benefits were amazing, and we never really talked about what was going to happen come march when she was moving away to australia. we just took things as it happened and for those 2 months i had the best time of my life. As you would expect march arrived quicker than i would have liked it to, while seeing her off at the airport (an emotional time) she told me she loved me (i had told her 2 weeks before hand in a state of being off my mind on some illicit drug (she didnt take kindly to this as you would expect...).

originally we were just going to end it all when she left, but we realised we really had a good relationship going (we hadnt argued the entire time we'd been together, and she was what I would consider a soul mate to me). The night before she left we did some talking and decided that we'd just try to keep thigns going and she'd be back within 3 months for a visit anyway... that lasted all of about 5 minutes after she landed, we continued contact txting eachother like mad. And I ended up flying over for a week 4 weeks after she left. Since then we havnt been apart for longer than 4 weeks. We're both completly in love with eachother and even though we're away from one another for quite long periods of time we're managing it quite well.

In my advice, just do what you can... talk to her as much as you can, and just remember how you felt while you were together and if it's going to work out then it will. just yeah, do the best you can. Believe me it does suck being away from someone that you like so much, it hurt me a lot when she left and whenever we have to say goodbye but in the end the pain type feeling will go away.

listen to this aswell, just to comment on it you really need to be open with your gf. mine is the only person i really trust, and that's why i think it's got on so well. We have experimented with phone/internet/webcam/txt/pxt type sex and it's actually really fun. we're also both open to masturbation and she's got no problem with porn and me watching it, she actually constantly asks me what porn i have and asks to see it when she gets back for visits.

communication and trust are what you really need to have for it to work, if you have those two factors, then everything else will fall into place

__________________

Sitting at home, what am I doing?
Boy waitng by the phone
Alone, jealous and stoned

Charlatan

I can agree that marriage, or long term commitment does make a difference... but not always.

That said, before we were married (the first time) we used to spend four months of the year apart when she would go home for the summer months and I would stay at school. She also moved to the UK for an additional four months one year.

We spent a lot of time apart. The methods we used to cope then serve us well now (full disclosure: when she went to the UK we almost broke up when she got back due to infidelities on both our parts. In the end, we just wanted to be together more than not. Our 14th wedding anniversary is next week).

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

pig

Soooo...asaris...any, umm...news on the relationship front?

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

JStrider

definently helped Ghoastgirl and I... and all the Tfpers got a nice treat as well!

sharing the pics might not be for y'all but it was a lot of fun.


like everyone else has said communication and all that jazz.

and one thing to keep in mind in todays era of text communication, is that it is much easier to mistake meaning in a text or IM message, so you have to be careful about saying something that the meaning is changed by your tone of voice.


so yah

trust
communication
Understanding
masterbation
and dirty pictures!

__________________
-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

SecretMethod70

Lots of good advice here. The only thing I really have to add is the suggestion of using Skype. So long as you both have a microphone and a decent internet connection, it means free voice communication.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

asaris

Nothing new to report. We're still talking on the phone once or twice a day. Once I have my surgery scheduled, we'll schedule visitation. It seems to be going okay; I miss her, but it's rarely unmanageable, and I can always just call her if it's really bad. I'm at a great internship this summer, so that helps. Thanks for all the advice, guys.

__________________
"Die Deutschen meinen, daß die Kraft sich in Härte und Grausamkeit offenbaren müsse, sie unterwerfen sich dann gerne und mit Bewunderung:[...]. Daß es Kraft giebt in der Milde und Stille, das glauben sie nicht leicht."

"The Germans believe that power must reveal itself in hardness and cruelty and then submit themselves gladly and with admiration[...]. They do not believe readily that there is power in meekness and calm."

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Kaji of Fire

Don't worry...It can work. I live in Louisiana, my fiancé lives in the western United Kingdom. I'm going to visit her again in July. My suggestion? Converse...A lot. Whether it be voice Chat, Phone, Webcam, Instant Messaging, E-mail. Let her know you care, but don't obsess over what she's doing. Trying out a bit of play on the types of communication can be fun. Personally I don't do porn 'cause I don't like the idea of doing anything to anyone but her. Anyways. Back to you.

BigDonkey2 put it as best as I see it possible. Long-Distance can work, it just needs more commitment than the average relationship. But hey, anything worth having is worth fight/working hard for right?

baggy20

i can only tell you best of luck....i do not believe that this type of relationship will go for a long time.

coppa

It NEVER works

match000

I have seen a few go for 2-3 years.

Care to explain why they "NEVER work"?

Cynthetiq

never would mean then that:

Halx and zkara didn't get married.
abaya and ktspktskp didn't get married.
Jadziadax and redravin didn't get married.

hmmmm, that's at least 3.

It didn't work for me, but I have seen it work for some, those 3 above seem to have navigated through it.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

cadre

My boyfriend and I did the long distance thing for a semester and we'll be doing it again starting in august. It's not fun but it's definitely possible. Communication is the biggest thing because many people seem not to realize how important it actually is. We give each other articles of clothing and such back and forth that way we have something that smells like each other, things like that and writing notes or letters really help.

__________________
My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

surferlove007

Yea James and I are going to be doing the long distance thing for the fall semester. But its alright, we'll manage.
Still it's no fun, but doable.

cycloptor

totally not fun...lol. the girl and i are still at it. getting ready to head into month 3 of 6.
the key really is communication. throughout this little spell of ours i have really figured out for myself how much i love her and what it is that she means to me and what we mean for eachother.
the other week i was lucky enough to fly out to visit for a weekend and it was amazing, we cannot wait for life after her graduation from depot... until then we talk on the phone 3 times a week and email tons....also we curse the rcmp for this 6 months of bs...
it really is tough, but you get on with your own life knowing what you have and what awaits the two of you afterwards. and realise how lucky you are to have that other person in your life.