yonique

I am 40 yrs old. I have been sexually active since I was 14. As I got older I became more educated about sexuality in general as well as my own. I have never been able to achieve orgasm with a partner through vaginal sex unless I stimulated my own clitoris and the sex lasted at least 45 min. I have achieved it maybe a half dozen times through oral but it took at least 30-45 min. I masturbate regularly, most often while viewing porn. I have been with primarily men but have experimented with women and couples. I have read, watched, heard all the advice that has ever been offered and tried it all with no success. I have resigned myself to the fact that it's just not going to happen, I just don't have it in me to try anymore. I am in a new relationship now, my boyfriend does not know of my problem. I have decided not to tell him since my inability to orgasm with a partner has contributed to the failure of all my past relationships. I was just wondering if I am the only one faking it....or do most women actually achieve orgasm through intercourse?

Lucifer

I would have thought that your faking orgasm contributed to your other breakups, rather than you difficulty in having orgasm. Most men don't like being lied to in that manner. I personally, would rather, that my partner was open about her difficulties rather than hide it. Then we could explore other options, such as mutual masturbation or oral sex.

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1123, 6536, 5321

Toaster126

The lying is a way bigger reason to dump someone than the inability to orgasm without extreme effort. You're lucky you can do it at all. I have a feeling it will come out sooner or later and then your partner will have that moment where they are thinking back to all the times they thought you O'd and you were lying. That would definitely suck - for both of you.

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Halx

The general message you're going to get from the people of TFP is that faking it is bad and honesty is good. Its a good policy, but its difficult for some people with pride to adhere to. First of all, there are many women who can orgasm with vaginal penetration and there are many women who cannot. Secondly, that's only one way you CANT orgasm... I'm fairly certain there is a plethora of ways you CAN. Sure, the cock in the pussy formula is the ideal way to climax during sex... if all you do is watch R-rated movies as your source for a reality check. If you get off some other way, go with it and search for even more methods... stop playing to your weakness and instead play to your strength.

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Sharon

Many women can't climax from vaginal sex alone.

Aladdin Sane

I've been married to my one and only wife for 18 years. She has never had an orgasm from penetration alone. In fact, she rarely cums during intercourse even with direct clit stimulation. She cums by oral, after about 15-25 minutes. So, I lick her until she cums, then we fuck until I cum. She has very little sensation in her vagina at all. She seems bored with fucking--it does nothing for her. Occasionally she will ask me to finger her when I'm licking her clit, but for the most part penetration of any kind is not her thang. Also, she doesn't get excited from having her breasts and nipples caressed and licked.
I really really wonder what it would be like to fuck a girl until she cums. Alas, it's not to be. That's just the way it is.
I feel cheated by this, but I don't know what to do about it. She doesn't seem to care that her vagina and breasts are all but numb. Before I got married, I had many lovers, and they were very responsive to me. After all these years I've forgotten what it's like to be in the presense of an out of control woman.
You are into experimentation and open to many things--that is a big plus. Be honest, tell your lover the true story, and see what happens. Whatever you do, don't lie. It's poison.

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World's King

Everyone is built different.


I had an ex that would have such intense orgasms that I couldn't even touch her afterwards cause her body would be so sensitive. That was always fun. I dated a girl that would have 6-10 small orgasm during sex but if I went down on her should would explode with one giant one. My girlfriend now can only get off from her toy and a little fingering from me. Just depends.

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shesus

I don't think just one thing works for everyone. I know that the in and out alone doesn't give me an orgasm. However, mix it up with some other stimulation and I'm the small multiple kind of gal with a big finish. But everyone is different. There may be spots on one woman that drives her wild, but on another woman does nothing.

I would definitely be honest about it and then do some more exploration. Even if it doesn't achieve a goal it can be fun. Maybe try shallow, short thrusts with some clit stimulation if you haven't already. Sometimes the deep ones don't hit the right spot. But definitely don't fake it...that's not cool.

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yonique

I guess I should clarify my original post. I was married for 16 yrs, my husband was aware of my difficulties (unable to cum unless I stim'd my clit or was given oral for 45+ min), he did not attempt to try anything new or different to help me. Any suggestions from me were greeted with suspicion as to where I heard about it and why was it such a big deal. My 3 subsequent relationships after my divorce were also with men, I was honest with them as well. The first guy was very full of himself, confident he could make me cum. I believed him, we tried everything 2 people could do alone. In the end it bothered him that I couldn't cum. It became such an issue that we avoided sex and the relationship fizzled out. We were together a year. My second relationship was a little longer (18months) He was not bothered by my inabilty/difficulty to cum but he was not so much into oral so for the most part I stimulated myself during sex. He was very open to new things so we tried everything 2 or more people could do. I would get very turned on but the moment sex started or someone else took over stimming my clit the feeling would fade. I was not afraid to coach, but again nothing worked. It did not bother him as much as it bothered me that I was having these troubles. The fact that I had been in the room and sexually involved with other women and couples and seen how they responded just made it worse for me. This relationship ended for many reasons, my sexual difficulties contributed... they were always a black cloud hanging over us. After about a year I started dating again, I met a wonderful man who I live with today. He is a patient attentive and adenterous lover, I know if I were honest with him he would do anything I wanted but I just don't have it in me to try anymore. Men take it so personally when they don't "make a women cum" they don't like to know they just don't do it for you. I would take it personally too if I wasn't able to please my man. Orgasm is just not important to me anymore. I enjoy sex, the intimacy and closeness even more now that I am not tyring so hard (in vain) to cum. It's less stressful and so much easier to let him think I came. I do feel bad for lying but I see no point in spending the rest of my life desperately trying to achieve something that just isn't going to happen. As for watching porn, it is not the only thing that gets me off. I do not sit around all day watching it either... I mentioned it just to give everyone an idea of all the things I have been willing to do. I wanted to know if my situation was rare since I am the only woman I know who has these problems.

hagatha

Hmmm....for me I can't orgasm if I think I'm being hurried or if my partner is starting to show frustration, annoyance or boredom. If you perceive that your partner is into it and wants you to cum then you can relax and get into it. Isn't that why masterbation works? There's no pressure. Have you considered that maybe you just felt pressured?
Don't lie or fake orgasms, your needs matter and if your partner is so emotionally fragile that they can't deal with it, then maybe you need to reevaluate things.
Does that help at all?

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Sharon

yonique, sorry if I'm being out of line here, but is there anything in your sexual history that may be associated with intercourse in your mind?

mixedmedia

I was thinking the same thing. Sex therapy might be an option.

But, yonique, you can't go on and on living a lie. You should be frank with him. Just sit him down and tell him the whole thing and why you felt it necessary to fake orgasms with him. It's not as if you didn't have a compelling reason to. You didn't do it for selfish or indifferent reasons. From the way you describe him I would think he'd be very understanding and eager to help you. Give him the chance to be the one who breaks through.

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ruggerp11

I would like to be an echo here and say that first of all if you love this man you should discuss it. Second I would like to echo the sexual therapy notion. I have learned recently through my own experience that sex is 99% mental. Often times a single thought can render a man impotent and a woman uninterested. You've worked very very hard on the physical side of this thing you see as a 'problem' now I would work on the mental side.

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yonique

I did try therapy briefly when my second post divorce relationship ended. Since I do not have a history of sexual abuse, rape or any psychological trauma to cause my problems there wasn't anything she could do to help. Telling my boyfriend is not something I want to do. For the first time in my life I am content and enjoy sex even if I do not cum. I do not want to bring back all the tension, stress and frustration I had with previous lovers. Yes he would be kind and understanding and do anything he could but it's all been done to no avail. If I have sex for 2 or 3 hrs I want it to be because we are enjoying each other not because we are on a neverending quest for an orgasm. There are times I tell him I do not cum, if we are going to have a quickie and I'm tired...he is ok with it but always expresses he feels bad. I do not look forward to him feeling bad day after day and feeling like a sexual failure. I am content with cumming occasionally with oral and with masturbation.

Mistress Kali

You do not sound inorgasmic... it is quite normal for women to not come through intercourse alone. The length of time it took you to orgasm during oral is also not abnormal. You sound sexually healthy, your relationships, however, appear to be wanting. Hagatha is quite correct when she states being hurried or being with a sexual oaf can be a problem.

Think of your new relationship as a new sexual beginning.

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abaya

It's not your job to make him feel like a sexual dynamo. If he chooses to feel like a failure, even when you've told him (I assume?) that you are happy with occasional oral and masturbatory orgasms... then that is his insecurity to deal with, not yours.

For the record, I pretty much cum only occasionally, and pretty much only through oral and masturbation. I don't fake it the rest of the time because my husband knows how I feel, and he doesn't feel like a failure. Neither of us focuses on my orgasms, and that's okay for us. Faking it, though, creates a whole other sort of insecurity and issues to resolve in a relationship... I think that's what we are all reacting to, here.

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ShaniFaye

One day I will understand why a guy feels like a "failure" if their girl cant always get off. There are lots of times, as much as I enjoy it, I just dont get off big deal, same thing happens with Dave sometimes....I dont take it personally...its just one of "those" days big whoop....now if you tell him how to get you off and he ignores it, thats a different story

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