Why do people cheat?

[mafugga]

This is something I have never totally understood. Myself, I have never cheated or for that matter, never had the desire to. However, the women I have been with seem to think otherwise. Don't worry, I am not going to turn this into a bitchfest, I am just curious to see if anyone knows what possesses people to do this.

As far back as I can remember, pretty much every relationship I have been in, consisted the girl cheating on me at some point. Why did they it...I have no idea. At first, I thought it was me. Maybe I wasn't giving them something they needed? Maybe I wasn't enough for them. But I never lacked money, I don't drink a lot or do any drugs. I was always faithful and did everything I could to make them feel like they were the most important person on the planet when they were with me. I did everything that is considered right. However, for some reason, it wasn't enough.

I just found out 2 days ago that my girlfriend of a year has been with another guy and has fallen in love with him. Everything seemed perfect with us though. Seriously, it really did. Both of us said that we have never gotten along with another person so perfectly. There was never a fight, there was never any negativity. We seemed to have the best times all the time. This isn't the first time this happened. My last girlfriend of 4 years did the same thing to me and so did the one before that. There were never any problems that I was aware of there either. Infact, when I asked both of them why they did it, they simply said, "I don't know". I asked if somehow I neglected something, but they said no. They just did it...It just happened. One of those things.

I asked a few of my female friends about this. They didn't have an answer either. They just said that it was one of those things that happens. I know other people that never had this happen to them to the degree it has happened to me. Could it be possible, that if the situation is too good, that someone would want to purposely ruin it? It's beyond my reasoning to think why it would be though. Personally, I don't like stressful and upsetting situations. I am baffled!

So, here I am, once again...wondering why. Where did it go wrong. Could it have been prevented? Or is it just human nature and no matter who I end up with, I must always worry about the next one cheating on me.

I am curious to see if anyone has any theories on the reason why people cheat when there is no reason to.

[Ganguro]

first off.. you dont have to blame yourself too much. Ultimately whatever you did, or didn't do.. does not make you responsible for other's actions. I don't care if you ran her mother over with a riding mower.. anyone who blames their actions based on another person's actions is full of shit.
Secondly.. it DOES happen sometimes. People are wonky that way.. Pressures build up, lust takes over.. judgement gets clouded.. What to you seems like a perfect relationship could have been like a prison sentence to her. Sometimes people just need a way out. They're not consciouly sure why.. but they know they need to get out now.. and the quickest way to get out of a relationship is cheating. It lets you (the cheater) be the victem, and is a lot eaier than being broken hearted for the rest of your life. I've cheated before.. and while i'm not proud of it.. I would be a liar if i said it was totally out of the realm of things that could happen again. Life is weird sometimes.. the best thing you could do is let it go and move on.. don't blame yourself.. or you will totally fuck up the next relationship trying to overcompensate.

[RWE]

someone i know goes out with two guys at a time--they're always both aware of it but they feel too uncomforable to say anything (out of fear that they might lose their shot with her). In her case, i think she's "trying to find validation." She wants to be the center of everyone's attention so that she can feel like she's loved, cared for, or what not. She was probably missing some of those emotions in her childhood. That could be the case with your girlfriends.
I don't know if i have a cheating heart, i've been in one relationship and at one point i was extremely attracted to someone i'd just met. I couldn't stop thinking about her: she became the subject of arguments between my girlfriend and myself. all i have to honestly answer why i felt that way is pretty similar to what your girlfriends said. I think my heart my just be a bit whimsical, which could've been the case for your girlfriends.

[rogue49]

Selfishness
People want their cake and to eat it too.
Rather than being straight with you, they don't want to deal with confrontation.
They tell you what you want to hear, and then go do what they desire anyway.

Let it go, move on.
Go find someone you are "passionate" about and they are "passionate" about you.
Someone you "need" and they "need" you.
Someone who gives to you, as much as you give to them.

You didn't do anything wrong,
sometimes people are weak & selfish.

Go find someone strong & giving,
who's straight with you.

[bigoldalphamale]

ahhh, if there was an real answer to this question, then there would be a way to prevent it. unfortunately, there is no answer. people cheat for a billion different reasons. not most uncommonly because of being attracted to another person. there is always someone else out there who is more attractive than the one you are with. especially in this day and age of wonder bras, fake titties, surgeries, hair removal, better make up, fat free food, ect... people, in general, are more attractive now then ever before and it makes it so much harder to stay attracted to just one person. i am not a big fan of this, but what can you do?

[Memalvada]

I've always wondered why people cheat as well... I usually think that they are not satisfied in their relationship, but I also think that sometimes people sabotage their own relationship. Dunno why...

[MSD]

I think that the high occurance of cheating has the same root causes as thte high divorce rate. People in America these days are becoming more impatient, and society is conditioning them to become that way. We learn that if we're not perfectly satisfied with something, we can throw it awy. We learn that everything has a fast solution.

If you don't like what's on TV, you can go and choose from any of the other 230 channels that you get. If you don't like the food in the fridge, you can go get yourself a burger, fires, and a soda without getting out of your car.

Everything these days is becoming convenietnt and disposable. Go to a store and you'll find everything you need in one store. You can find your disposable tableware, disposable diapers, disposable cameras, and a multitude of other disposable items. We are subconsciously learning that it is acceptable to take something for a while, then throw it away after a few uses.

We are becoming less and less responsible for our actions. Two kids shoot up a school, the manufacturers of medication, the gun makers, the police department all get sued. The parents don't get a whole lot of blame. You crash your car, insurance pays for it and you pay a few dollars more per month. A woman spills hot coffee on herself and gets paid millions of dollars. If these people don't have to take responsibility for their actions, why should a girl feel guilty for cheating on you?

It's also possible that you've been unlucky enough to find nice, attractive girls who have low self-esteem and feel the need to prove their attractiveness to themselves by getting more than one guy at once.

With these girls, it's not your fault, part of the reason they come to you is that they go for good-looking guys with good personalities to boost their self-esteem. After being with you for a while, they go out and get another guy to prove to themselves that they're still as attractive and desirable as when they met you.

[gibber71]

One reason is as Rogue49 pointed out is selfishness. Another is lack of self respect on the part of that person cheating and a lack of respect for that person they are cheating on. Also believe it or not,some people cheat to get caught.In there mind it is their way to get out of a relationship or even,as absurd as it sounds,to strengthen the existing relationship with the person they are cheating on. One thing I do know is that those who choose to cheat,find it easier and easier to do it the more they do it.

[mafugga]

Most, if not all, of the reasons mentioned make total sense. I guess I never thought of it in so many different ways. Insecurities, selfishness and the idea of us living in a disposable society is a sad fact.

As hard as it is at the moment to think that the next one won't do the same thing, I still have a little faith in humanity.

Thanks for everyones input on this, I really really appreciate it.

[cdwonderful]

because most people are just no damned good!!

[Crooky]

There are tonnes of reasons why people cheat. I've cheated on past gfs and am not proud of it. I don't think I am a bad person. I couldn't tell you why I did it. It just... happened.

I don't think there is a formula for these things. Don't underestimate the need for excitement though.

[TrollInvestigtr]

people cheat because its natures way of making us diversify our genes and produce varied offspring with better quality and chances for survival. does it really have to be any more complicated than that?

[Uuudar]

Men cheat because they can. Women cheat because they're unhappy.

Generally speaking of course.

[i8one2]

lack of respect for themselves, the person they are with, and the relationship they are in.

[Antagony]

So many different answers to this question, and none of them are right or wrong.

One argument that anyone has yet to suggest in this thread is that of genetics. There are some scientists who whole-heartedly believe that we as a species are physically designed to "cheat" or have multiple sexual relationships. Look it up some time, some of the evidence is pretty compelling.

I'm not so sure I'm totally convinced, but it's an interesting viewpoint nonetheless.

[BigBlueWrecking]

Beer makes me cheat.

Seriously, when I am in a relationship I get bored. I go out and wna to see if I can still pick up women and when that happens...I cheat. I have never had a girlfriend that I have not cheated on. I guess that is why I am not married.

[sierra2774]

People cheat because they only care about themselves.

[cdwonderful]

Originally posted by sierra2774
People cheat because they only care about themselves.

or they dont care enough about somebody else...

[gonadman]

Originally posted by cdwonderful
or they dont care enough about somebody else...

Add to that a speck of immaturity and nominal integrity....

[illdeviant]

look. it's simple. the grass is greener on the otherside. the lust and passion is gone. its all bout compassion and how strong the individual is depends on how well it's maintained. the novelty wears off and they go searching. i mean you have no urges when you see an attractive girl at the market? bullshit. its just how well you repress those feelings. some people do it so well that it's not even a problem. i think that's what you have. it's human nature. but just the same, i'm not saying it's their fault. I guess she just had to condition herself and just wake up everyday and remember why she fell in love( or watever your deal is) with you in the first place.

[neoinoakleys]

OK, here is my 2 cents....

Take my reasonong with a grain of salt. I am speaking through my own experience...

I have cheated in the past, I have cheated many times...I am not proud, but I am not really sorry either.

This is the reason I did it...I was young, I was immature, I was selfish and I was just experimenting.

On some instances I have been caught and some that I have not. But that is neither here nor there.

Here are the reasons I did it:

In some instances, I was just lookng for fun and the opportunity had arisen. I was experimenting. Life is short and I thought "why not??" Afterall, I didn't want to be this 70 year old guy that sits around and ponders his life and thinks why didn't I take the chance??

Another reason, I was just too immature and selfish to tell the person I was with that I had feelings for someone else. I wanted to test the waters with the other person and make sure that they had similar fellings before I left my comfortable situation with the person I was with.

Regardless the reason, it was selfish and immature. But I have grown since then. I am not proud of what I had done, but I am who I am because of learning and growing through these experiences. I saw how my choices affected other people and myself. I saw the value of what committment means. I began to see what I lose by screwing around.

Now that I am older and have gotten it all of that out of my system, I am now much more aware of what I am looking for in a relationship and how I can be a better partner.

I am saying that there is nothing that you did wrong. Your GF's cheating does not in any way reflect upon you as a person. I am sure you did nothing wrong. This was just something that she needed to exrepience. She was being selfish and immature and someday she will understand and grow out of this.

You are definitely in a different stage in your life, and I am sure that you are looking for the person that is ready to commit, not the one that is still playing games and trying to find themselves...

I know it's not right and it's not fair, but that's just the way it goes sometimes.

Anyways, that is my 2 cents....

[ganon]

Ah, cheating...the quest for personal happiness at the expense of everyone else. People have no idea what commitment is anymore, they have hard hearts, and figure that it just doesn't matter in the long run. they don't realize that we actually have real attachments to the people we get that close to, and the connections will not go away. In this instance, it sounds like the drama again. If i ran after every chick that got my blood running I'd be dead already. You have to shake your head clear your thoughts, and remember what you are supposed to be building together with someone else.

[Darkblack]

The question is why DON'T people cheat on their mate?!


I have cheated on past girlfriends. I was not devoted to them and was too immature to be able to resist the temptations of everyday encounters with the opposite sex.

With that said, I do not cheat on my wife. It is something you have to try not to do because really, cheating comes naturally.

I don't put myself in a situation that I may do something I will regret. When I am mad at her I don't go to a bar and get loaded. Why? Because I know I will mess with some bar fly if I do and ruin what I have at home. When some good-looking woman flirts with me I smile and remove myself from the situation. Yes, it feels nice to see someone interested in me but I have a wife that I love and completes me as a person. Why risk that for a hot blond that probably isn't half of what my wife is?

I know this does not answer your question on why people cheat but if you look at it from the other side you can see how it is hard not too. It is a choice you must make daily to devote yourself to your mate in every way. It seems that this girl could not do that for you. Maybe she isn't ready for that kind of relationship yet and doesn't have the will power to resist temptation. Maybe someday she will be ready and wish she had not treated you so badly.

Either way it is not your fault. You can only make the best out of what life gives you. Treat them the way you want to be treated and when they cannot offer you that respect, find someone who can.

[rmarshall]

Most of the people on this forum are young and shouldn't be expecting the relationships to be so long. Young people should be free to try out several potential mates before they settle down with just one. Someone else said cheating is probably just a good way to break up.

Having said that, that's not what I did. I had few relationships and married young (at 23). I had a miserable first marriage, got divorced after nine years, got remarried after 3 years and got divorced again after seven years. Now, after 5 years and about 5 more girlfriends, I just might be qualified and ready for another marriage.

My advice: screw around alot and stay single until you're in your forties.

[uptown]

There's one thing that's always bothered me.I tend to hook up with men who seem to be attracted physically to women who are totally different types than I am.If a man has strong preferences for certain types why the hell don't they walk on by me until they find what they want? There's nothing worse than sitting there while your guy gives a long twice over to some big breasted dark haired sweet thang while you sit there realising that you're about as curvey and built as a 12 yr old boy and that your face and hair are about as corse and common irish looking as you can get.

[Publius]

A few thoughts I had while reading through this topic. BigBlueWrecking mentioned beer as being a cause. I would say that alcohol plays a part for many people. I used to work in a factory when I was younger and used to watch the soap opera that went on there. Bunched of married people cheating with each other on their spouses. Every time alcohol was involved in the beggining.
Myself? I married young to the first girl I ever dated. Never really thought of myself as the cheating type but that all changed about four weeks ago. Didnt cheat exactly, no sex (no Clinton sex either) or kissing involved, but went farther than I ever thought myself possible. Our spouses were out of town and as is usually our custom my good friend and I will hang out together to keep each other company. Rented a few movies, Unfaithfull being one of them, about a woman who cheats on her spouse. Well why were are watching this movie and questioning why anyone in there right mind would do such a thing we are also getting all liquered up, also a custom of ours. Cant explain what happened after that but it wasnt anything that I had expected. Ended up spending the night passed out on her couch.
So why did we end up doing what we did? Dont know, cant say, it just seemed right at the time. And now? well now Im so fucked up in the head I dont know what Im going to do. So my advice? Stay away from the ol alcohol if you dont want to cheat.

[william]

People cheat because they can. That's it - bottom line. There are theories that men do it as a primitive need to procreate and carry on the family name (like primitive man KNEW his family name); and women do it to procreate who they are. Guys (and girls) cheat because they think whoever they are with at the time isn't enough. Girls want a guy who has more income; guys want a girl w/bigger tits. It's not really about the cheating, but what is missing in the other persons life.

[chavos]

Its been intresting to me dealing with my most recent ex, who cheated on me...she claims that there was "no reason." I don't buy it. I realize i wasn't filling some of her needs, valid or not. But i got suckered in to being her "friend" in ways that kept our relationship in ways alive long past its official expiration date....fixing that, and being "just" friends has been our greatest challenge since. Point being of this rant...people stay with people to fill emotional needs. People cheat when they aren't met, not that the cheated on person should have been meeting or trying to meet all those needs...it may have just been a bad match.