how do you deal with the past? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

yosho · 04-16-2006, 11:31 PM

Imagine the girl/guy you care about the most in your life right now, whether it's your wife or girlfriend, and now picture her fucking another guy.

That's how I feel sometimes.

Long story short, I was with a girl for 2.5 years, we broke up last summer and since then, she's had relationships with other guys. However, lately we've been getting close again and a lot of the issues we had are now gone or minimized.

My problem is that it's really painful thinking about the things we've been through, and how during our breakup, so much has happened including her getting with a few different guys.

Technically, it isn't cheating, but it still is really painful thinking about it, especially now that we're getting so close again. That's one of my biggest concerns with her at this point, I feel like I'll just end up blaming her for the breakup and accusing her of a bunch of shit because I can't get over the past.

I know that in order for things to work out between us, I'll have to let go of the past. But I honestly don't know how to do that, I feel a lot of pain whenever I think about it.

Comments suggestions? Thanks

stickyrice · 04-17-2006, 02:24 AM

Want to know the best way to deal with the past? Leave it exactly where it belongs: in the past.

Your ex is obviously someone special to you. They were a part of your life and chances are you felt things about them that you've never felt towards anyone else. Embrace those times as great memories that you've had with that person.

However, getting back involved with your ex when you have feelings of resentment is not a good situation. Don't ignore those red flags that you see waving in front of you. It's difficult (trust me I know) but you have to do what is best for yourself at this point. Have you really moved on from when you two broke up? And if you have, are you happier?

She has been involved with other guys since you two broke up. Yes, technically she has done nothing wrong and neither would you by seeing other girls. If she is sleeping around with other guys, then that's a whole different issue and yes it is difficult to think about. But you know what? You have your own social life to deal with and sitting there and thinking about what has happened that you cannot control will not make things better. When I say go out and meet new people, this doesn't mean try to fuck every girl in sight. Take time for yourself: go to the gym, take up that hobby you lost, try learning something new etc etc. It will make things easier for you and you will feel great for yourself.

Whatever happens between you and your ex now though it entirely up to you. Whatever decision you make, accept the responsibilities that come with it. I wish you nothing but the best from this situation.

Ace_O_Spades · 04-17-2006, 02:27 AM

Hey man

the only advice I can give is this:

If you want to be with her, do it before she falls in love with another guy and they move in together. The past doesn't mean shit compared to the future...

trust me.

ShaniFaye · 04-17-2006, 03:05 AM

Dave always tells me..."if it wasnt for the things in your past and the things you've been thru and done, you wouldnt be the woman that I love with all my heart today"

doncalypso · 04-17-2006, 03:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yosho

Imagine the girl/guy you care about the most in your life right now, whether it's your wife or girlfriend, and now picture her fucking another guy.

That's how I feel sometimes.

Long story short, I was with a girl for 2.5 years, we broke up last summer and since then, she's had relationships with other guys. However, lately we've been getting close again and a lot of the issues we had are now gone or minimized.

My problem is that it's really painful thinking about the things we've been through, and how during our breakup, so much has happened including her getting with a few different guys.

Technically, it isn't cheating, but it still is really painful thinking about it, especially now that we're getting so close again. That's one of my biggest concerns with her at this point, I feel like I'll just end up blaming her for the breakup and accusing her of a bunch of shit because I can't get over the past.

I know that in order for things to work out between us, I'll have to let go of the past. But I honestly don't know how to do that, I feel a lot of pain whenever I think about it.

Comments suggestions? Thanks

Once a relationship is over, it is over. With women you only get one shot per woman per lifetime. The fact that she's been with several other guys since she dumped you means that when the breakup happened she didn't have any positive romantic feelings towards you or else she would've tried to get things working back with you rather than go have sex with other guys.

The best you could do is take time to reflect on what you did wrong in that relationship, become aware of what you may have done to lower her interest in you, and then make sure you don't repeat those same mistakes in the next one.

You say you two are getting close again? Odds are she's just messing with your mind to see whether you're still gone over her or whether you've moved on. I'm willing to bet she gets off knowing you still have feelings for her, and it gives her a sense of power. If she does take you back, she'll only bring you more heartache and will dump you again.

As stickyrice advised you, go to the gym, develop new hobbies. Start your life anew and get new people in your life. Leave the past in the past.

savvypup · 04-17-2006, 04:19 AM

Quote:

Odds are she's just messing with your mind to see whether you're still gone over her or whether you've moved on. I'm willing to bet she gets off knowing you still have feelings for her, and it gives her a sense of power. If she does take you back, she'll only bring you more heartache and will dump you again.

I have to disagree here Doncalypso. If they had issues in the past, perhaps space and the chance to grow and have other experiences with other people is just what was needed for them to truly appreciate each other, even if returns just as a friendship. I think it would be normal to imagine what you're thinking ........ and I don't really know how to overcome this, other than the past is the past. Look forward and enjoy the times you're having together now. Did you have other partners or is this the problem? Would you feel this way if you too had run amok with others?

doncalypso · 04-17-2006, 05:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by savvypup

I have to disagree here Doncalypso. If they had issues in the past, perhaps space and the chance to grow and have other experiences with other people is just what was needed for them to truly appreciate each other, even if returns just as a friendship. I think it would be normal to imagine what you're thinking ........ and I don't really know how to overcome this, other than the past is the past. Look forward and enjoy the times you're having together now. Did you have other partners or is this the problem? Would you feel this way if you too had run amok with others?

I do agree that it is possible to maintain a civil/cordial relationship with an ex, but that's only if the breakup did not involve betrayal and harsh words.

I still keep in contact with two of my four ex-girlfriends. In one case we broke up because she was too jealous and we were too young for a serious relationship (I was 16 and she was 15). With the most recent ex, we broke up because our paths took different directions after we graduated from college, and to this day we haven't seen each other. In both cases the ex-girlfriends and I still keep in touch via e-mail or AOL Instant Messenger from time to time, but there's no way we'd ever get back into a romantic relationship---especially considering that the first ex is now married and has a child.

As you say, the past is the past---and this is the exact reason why you shouldn't get back with an ex because they belong in your past; not your present or your future.

Ustwo · 04-17-2006, 05:43 AM

The way to deal with this is when you realize that fucking isn't that big a deal.

I had the same type of issue with a girl I was dating years ago, but it was my immaturity with sexual relationships that was the problem, not who fucked who. Ask yourself had you had sex in that same time period with someone else would that be that big a deal? You are just fighting the green eyed monster, don't let it win.

tenchi069 · 04-17-2006, 06:54 AM

There are several ways to deal with it, but I will only list the 3 I find to be the most productive. I had issue with this for a while. After trying to get to the underlying issue of "why am I feeling this way" I've come to the answer of. You don't want to think of some other guy doing what you "should/could" have been doing. After all, you still had feelings for her. The best ways, imho, to deal are...

1. Try to put her out of your mind and don't pursue a relationship with her.
--this doesn't lend itself to many good conclusions in that, you lose being with the girl, and obviously the only girl you want is one that is a virgin and committed only to you past/present/future, but seeing as how you not being a virgin, cannot reciprocate, and that is hypocrosy.

2. Deal with it as an intelligent and rational human being. She had other relationships both after you and before you ( if you are getting back together ). Some relationships include sex. What she did is not what she is doing, so let that be where it is, in the past. It isn't like she is screwing guys while you are back together.

3. Benefit from her past. Find out what she liked and didn't like. If you are comfortable enough to ask, and she is comfortable enough to tell, get as detailed as the two of you consentually can. My wife and I were/are close enough when we started dating, we divulged alot more information to each other than alot of couples do. One thing with this, be VERY careful to avoid comparing past and present partners unless you are SURE you can handle it rationally and maturely. Yes it is an ego boost to hear about how you are better in some ways, but if you are told that you wouldn't or couldn't do what someone else had you will subconsciously try to overcome that and love making becomes competition ( which has both good and bad aspects ).

Hope this helps

--tenchi

Gonth · 04-17-2006, 08:42 AM

You've gotten some pretty good advice so far with the gym and hobby stuff. Finding something to take up your time will stop you from getting to wrapped up in it, but its probably not going to solve the problem if you want to get back together with her.

ShaniFaye pretty much hits the nail on the head though. Think about how she's changed because of what has happened in the time you've been apart. If she hadn't been with other guys and had the experiences she's had then you two would still have the same problems you did before. Because of them you get a second chance with someone you obviously care about. Also, obviously none of them were that great because she's now coming back to you after less than a year. If thats not an ego booster I don't know what is.

Whatever you do, make absolutely, positively sure that this is behind you BEFORE you get back into a relationship with her, if thats the way you go. If its not settled before the relationship starts then, like you said, you probably will end up taking it out on her and the relationship will fail.

visotech · 04-17-2006, 09:34 AM

Take it from someone who just broke up, be thankful that you have the chance to get that close agian. If you truly love her you will take her back unconditionally, maybe you have to rethink if you truly do want her back?

yosho · 04-17-2006, 10:39 AM

thanks for the advice, a lot of good stuff written.

To elaborate a little bit, I know I'm being hypocritical because I've been with other girls as well, so it wasn't like I was crying over her for months when we broke up.

She's been wanting me back for a while but I couldn't get over some of the things she's done, including being with this one guy about a month after we broke up.

Right now, I'm remaining close with her, we talk everyday and we're more or less pretty exclusive. But I think establishing that boyfriend girlfriend title will take some time. I don't know if I'm ready or if I'm capable of just letting the past go.

It's interesting because with other girls, sex is just sex, but with her, sex seems like so much more, when we were together, sex was love, sex was commitment, sex was emotion, and then to just see her give it away to some random guy who she barely knew, that really hurt me.

And the hypocritical part is that when I'm with other girls, I know that sex is just sex, but when I think about her and other guys, everything seems like such a big deal.

I wonder if all people feel this way?

Sultana · 04-17-2006, 10:56 AM

I dunno, seems like there's an *ownership* thing going on here.

Have you thought about how it feels from her side? That with you, sex is so meaningless that you can have it with others and it's no big whoop? How should that make her feel about being intimate with you now (or in the future)?

Does she seem to be having jealousy issues with how you did your thing while apart?

I hope I'm not coming across as too harsh, that's not my intent. Believe me, I do understand the sting of jealousy, even in situations where folks would say it's not umm, *reasonable* or whatever, heh. I think it's brave of you to open yourself up here like this. I just don't want you to jeopardize your future. Be strong, and focus on your real priorities.
Good luck, and keep us updated!

freeload · 04-17-2006, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

Dave always tells me..."if it wasnt for the things in your past and the things you've been thru and done, you wouldnt be the woman that I love with all my heart today"

Just what my mother told me when I had problems coping with my wifes past. Made me realize what I had

streak_56 · 04-17-2006, 02:29 PM

After what happened between my girlfriend and I.... I had those thoughts too but only minimally. It depends on your relationship with her. If you are friends now, then I really wouldn't put too much behind them. If you are in a relationship with her, then it might become a problem because it will manifest into you accusing her of cheating. Its best to put away with the bad and start with the new.

04-16-2006, 11:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
yosho Upright Location: Cornell U	how do you deal with the past? Imagine the girl/guy you care about the most in your life right now, whether it's your wife or girlfriend, and now picture her fucking another guy. That's how I feel sometimes. Long story short, I was with a girl for 2.5 years, we broke up last summer and since then, she's had relationships with other guys. However, lately we've been getting close again and a lot of the issues we had are now gone or minimized. My problem is that it's really painful thinking about the things we've been through, and how during our breakup, so much has happened including her getting with a few different guys. Technically, it isn't cheating, but it still is really painful thinking about it, especially now that we're getting so close again. That's one of my biggest concerns with her at this point, I feel like I'll just end up blaming her for the breakup and accusing her of a bunch of shit because I can't get over the past. I know that in order for things to work out between us, I'll have to let go of the past. But I honestly don't know how to do that, I feel a lot of pain whenever I think about it. Comments suggestions? Thanks __________________ mm...sex is fun

04-17-2006, 02:24 AM	#2 (permalink)
stickyrice Crazy	Want to know the best way to deal with the past? Leave it exactly where it belongs: in the past. Your ex is obviously someone special to you. They were a part of your life and chances are you felt things about them that you've never felt towards anyone else. Embrace those times as great memories that you've had with that person. However, getting back involved with your ex when you have feelings of resentment is not a good situation. Don't ignore those red flags that you see waving in front of you. It's difficult (trust me I know) but you have to do what is best for yourself at this point. Have you really moved on from when you two broke up? And if you have, are you happier? She has been involved with other guys since you two broke up. Yes, technically she has done nothing wrong and neither would you by seeing other girls. If she is sleeping around with other guys, then that's a whole different issue and yes it is difficult to think about. But you know what? You have your own social life to deal with and sitting there and thinking about what has happened that you cannot control will not make things better. When I say go out and meet new people, this doesn't mean try to fuck every girl in sight. Take time for yourself: go to the gym, take up that hobby you lost, try learning something new etc etc. It will make things easier for you and you will feel great for yourself. Whatever happens between you and your ex now though it entirely up to you. Whatever decision you make, accept the responsibilities that come with it. I wish you nothing but the best from this situation. __________________ Can't think of anything to say....

04-17-2006, 02:27 AM	#3 (permalink)
Ace_O_Spades The Death Card Location: EH!?!?	Hey man the only advice I can give is this: If you want to be with her, do it before she falls in love with another guy and they move in together. The past doesn't mean shit compared to the future... trust me. __________________ Feh.

04-17-2006, 03:05 AM	#4 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Dave always tells me..."if it wasnt for the things in your past and the things you've been thru and done, you wouldnt be the woman that I love with all my heart today" __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

04-17-2006, 05:43 AM	#8 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	The way to deal with this is when you realize that fucking isn't that big a deal. I had the same type of issue with a girl I was dating years ago, but it was my immaturity with sexual relationships that was the problem, not who fucked who. Ask yourself had you had sex in that same time period with someone else would that be that big a deal? You are just fighting the green eyed monster, don't let it win. __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

04-17-2006, 06:54 AM	#9 (permalink)
tenchi069 Lost Location: One step closer to the padded cell...	There are several ways to deal with it, but I will only list the 3 I find to be the most productive. I had issue with this for a while. After trying to get to the underlying issue of "why am I feeling this way" I've come to the answer of. You don't want to think of some other guy doing what you "should/could" have been doing. After all, you still had feelings for her. The best ways, imho, to deal are... 1. Try to put her out of your mind and don't pursue a relationship with her. --this doesn't lend itself to many good conclusions in that, you lose being with the girl, and obviously the only girl you want is one that is a virgin and committed only to you past/present/future, but seeing as how you not being a virgin, cannot reciprocate, and that is hypocrosy. 2. Deal with it as an intelligent and rational human being. She had other relationships both after you and before you ( if you are getting back together ). Some relationships include sex. What she did is not what she is doing, so let that be where it is, in the past. It isn't like she is screwing guys while you are back together. 3. Benefit from her past. Find out what she liked and didn't like. If you are comfortable enough to ask, and she is comfortable enough to tell, get as detailed as the two of you consentually can. My wife and I were/are close enough when we started dating, we divulged alot more information to each other than alot of couples do. One thing with this, be VERY careful to avoid comparing past and present partners unless you are SURE you can handle it rationally and maturely. Yes it is an ego boost to hear about how you are better in some ways, but if you are told that you wouldn't or couldn't do what someone else had you will subconsciously try to overcome that and love making becomes competition ( which has both good and bad aspects ). Hope this helps --tenchi __________________ ERROR- PLBSAK Problem Lies Between Seat and Keyboard.

04-17-2006, 08:42 AM	#10 (permalink)
Gonth Upright Location: Home sweet home is Decatur GA, but currently schooling in Rochester NY	You've gotten some pretty good advice so far with the gym and hobby stuff. Finding something to take up your time will stop you from getting to wrapped up in it, but its probably not going to solve the problem if you want to get back together with her. ShaniFaye pretty much hits the nail on the head though. Think about how she's changed because of what has happened in the time you've been apart. If she hadn't been with other guys and had the experiences she's had then you two would still have the same problems you did before. Because of them you get a second chance with someone you obviously care about. Also, obviously none of them were that great because she's now coming back to you after less than a year. If thats not an ego booster I don't know what is. Whatever you do, make absolutely, positively sure that this is behind you BEFORE you get back into a relationship with her, if thats the way you go. If its not settled before the relationship starts then, like you said, you probably will end up taking it out on her and the relationship will fail. __________________ You are the most important person in your world

04-17-2006, 09:34 AM	#11 (permalink)
visotech Insane Location: San Diego, CA	Take it from someone who just broke up, be thankful that you have the chance to get that close agian. If you truly love her you will take her back unconditionally, maybe you have to rethink if you truly do want her back?

04-17-2006, 10:39 AM	#12 (permalink)
yosho Upright Location: Cornell U	thanks for the advice, a lot of good stuff written. To elaborate a little bit, I know I'm being hypocritical because I've been with other girls as well, so it wasn't like I was crying over her for months when we broke up. She's been wanting me back for a while but I couldn't get over some of the things she's done, including being with this one guy about a month after we broke up. Right now, I'm remaining close with her, we talk everyday and we're more or less pretty exclusive. But I think establishing that boyfriend girlfriend title will take some time. I don't know if I'm ready or if I'm capable of just letting the past go. It's interesting because with other girls, sex is just sex, but with her, sex seems like so much more, when we were together, sex was love, sex was commitment, sex was emotion, and then to just see her give it away to some random guy who she barely knew, that really hurt me. And the hypocritical part is that when I'm with other girls, I know that sex is just sex, but when I think about her and other guys, everything seems like such a big deal. I wonder if all people feel this way? __________________ mm...sex is fun

04-17-2006, 10:56 AM	#13 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	I dunno, seems like there's an ownership thing going on here. Have you thought about how it feels from her side? That with you, sex is so meaningless that you can have it with others and it's no big whoop? How should that make her feel about being intimate with you now (or in the future)? Does she seem to be having jealousy issues with how you did your thing while apart? I hope I'm not coming across as too harsh, that's not my intent. Believe me, I do understand the sting of jealousy, even in situations where folks would say it's not umm, reasonable or whatever, heh. I think it's brave of you to open yourself up here like this. I just don't want you to jeopardize your future. Be strong, and focus on your real priorities. Good luck, and keep us updated! __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

04-17-2006, 02:29 PM	#15 (permalink)
streak_56 who ever said streaking was a bad thing? Location: Calgary	After what happened between my girlfriend and I.... I had those thoughts too but only minimally. It depends on your relationship with her. If you are friends now, then I really wouldn't put too much behind them. If you are in a relationship with her, then it might become a problem because it will manifest into you accusing her of cheating. Its best to put away with the bad and start with the new.