dualman7

Imagine you're walking down the street...you're a 23 year old single male..and a beautiful girl is walking towards you looking right at you...and your reaction is to act like you're looking back at her, but in reality you're looking through her because you are unable to look in her eyes.

Well folks. now subsititue the girl for a 90 year old lady, or a 10 year old child, and you still have the same exact reaction (inability to look people into their eyes). That person is me. I've always thought that one day I'll just stop being conscious of my eyes and look wherever and at whomever I want, unfortunately that hasn't happened and I'm concerned.

I try to stay in good shape. I play sports I maintain a good diet. Yet I am like a robot unable to make eye contact. I was working out today on the treadmill, and had a beautiful young lady right next to me. Eventually her friend came over to her, and stood right infront of me for about 20 mins. As she spoke to her friend, she would turn to me and smile...play with her hair and etc...and not once could i look her in the eyes. I try to force myself, but the feeling is so awkward that I can't go through with it. I am thinking this is all somehow tied together to my subconscious view of my self or my looks, and confidence or lack there of, in my self. That doesn't make sense tho because I feel pretty good about myself most of the time. I have my down moments but we all do. Everytime I avoid making eye contact, I feel worse about myself. I can see people saying "just force yourself to look people in the eyes" I wish i could explain how hard that is for me.

The only time i don't feel handcuffed when trying to make eye contact, is when my testosterone is high when playing sports. Other then that I'm a shyest kid in the world. Anyway to shake this, or am i stuck like this for life?

serlindsipity

look her in the eye. everytime and do it with confidence. force yourself to. practice will help you command more attention and add to your confidence. things like that make a difference when talking to anyone- be it girls or employers.

__________________
My third eye is my camera's lens.

katie_ann1031

I was told once that I had a problem looking people in the eye, and I never really noticed it until it was pointed out. So, then I made a point to look people in the eye and guess what? Nine times out of ten if you look someone in the eye, they look away. I don't know if that helps at all, but it might make you less shy if you realize a lot of people don't like to look other's in the eye.

KirStang

I find that by looking at my eyes for a while in the mirror it helps.

But the core of the issue here is confidence. You are a man, twenty three years old, in good shape, I don't know about your professional life or whatever, but, you're unique, an individual. Realize that.

Realize that, within you, is something that no one else has. And that when someone looks in to your eyes, they see that, be proud of that.

Try this, next time you shake a friends or acquaintances hand, look them in the eye, and give a slight nod. It's a beginning. Then, when you meet a girl, give her a quick playful look in the eye....see where u go from there.


But honestly, for me, it has been about confidence. I've been really inconfident for much of my adolescence, and with new found confidence in the past year, I have found eye contact to be much easier.

Mantus

Do you fear to see thier souls?

Hehe, I'am kidding. That's differnt though. I find myself making eye contact too often. I tend to intimidate most people.

Perhaps, next time, say HI! That girl wasn't intrested in eye contact she was intrested in getting to know you.

Okay, easy to say, but if you are too shy to look someone in their eyes then I guess saying "hi" might be like climbing Everest.

Sorry, I have no idea what advice I can give you here. Seems like there is some deeper issues involved. I hope you find a way though. Keep us posted.

Suave

I used to have some problems making eye contact with people. I can't give you a step-by-step guide on how to do it (I do it constantly now, out of the sheer enjoyment of being able to, though not in a creepy way), but I can tell you vaguely some qualities that help. One such quality is a giant ego. I don't masturbate to pictures of myself, but I certainly like myself quite a bit, and I like how I look. Seeing as how I believe I cut a dashing figure walking down the street (justified or not), I feel more comfortable calling attention to myself by making eye contact. The second quality is an outward focus. Instead of concentrating on your feelings about the situation ("gee, this feels awkward"), focus on the person you're making eye contact with. Ask mental questions or make observations to yourself about that person or your general surroundings (eg. "I wonder how old she is", "what an interesting juxtaposition of her face right in front of the guy doing squats...").

The ego thing can either come naturally, or through lots of hard work like those self-help books say "say 'I love me. I am a worthy person.' in front of a mirror to yourself 20 times each morning". Hey, it might work.

The activity of focusing outward should hopefully distract you from adverse feelings you're having, and eventually you may even "evolve" so that you don't even feel them as much in the future.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

florida0214

you just need to get confident and be courageous and look into the eyes. Its a whoel trust issue. COuld you trust somebody who wouldn't look you in your eyes? well you are nt the only one who feels that way. I hate to be insensative but you just need to get over it and look them into the eyes.

__________________
"Two men: one thinks he can. One thinks he cannot. They are Both Right."

amire

One thing that helps me when it comes to eye contact is to look right between someone's eyes, on the bridge of the nose. For some reason, I feel much less awkward when I do this, and the object of my stare can't tell any difference from a true look directly in the eyes. It's a wonderful method.

JustJess

Well, here's an amateur psych eval - sounds like Asberger's to me.
Here's a handy online test, because we all know how reliable THOSE are!

http://www.medical-library.org/journ...s_syndrome.htm

Consider asking for some help. And yes, try to practice, but it's hard to do alone. Good luck!

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

little_tippler

I used to be very shy about looking people in the eyes. I then read a bit about it and also later discovered what katie_ann1031 said, that most people then look away if you keep at it long enough. It doesn't even take that long. Seconds.

I started by doing it with people I was confortable with, like friends or my parents. And then I just moved on to other people. It really isn't that hard in the end. I now do it all the time unconsciously, I don't even think about anything in particular at the time, it has just become natural. Also, you'll find that people appreciate that you do that when they are talking to you, because it makes them feel you are paying a lot of attention to what they have to say. Now when people look away I unconsciously try to catch their gaze again because I prefer it to looking away when I am communicating with them.

Maybe I'm the intimidating one now!

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

katie_ann1031

You made me realize something little tippler. The only people I look in the eye on a regualr basis are people I feel totally comfortable with. But then again, I'm shy as hell. I'm one of those people who don't usually talk to people until after they have talked to me for a long time. Unless of course, I notice a common- how should I say it- difference that is common in me and some other person. Then it becomes much easier to interact with them.

__________________
Newbie, but still I believe I am TFP's residentCheerleader!

pje120

Eyes are very expressive. You can tell a lot about what the person is feeling and thinking by looking at their eyes, maybe on a subconscious level. If you don't feel comfortable enough with a person to look at them in the eyes then don't. You don't have to. And if you are finding it hard you obviously don't want to. What is more confident? Doing what *you* want to do (not look in their eyes) or looking in their eyes because you feel *they* expect you to?

I used to not like looking at the poeple in the eyes when I was a teenager, but as I grew more confident in myself and wasn't as fearful for other people to see who I am I have lost all fear about looking at people in the eyes. That is probably the problem, you are not comfortable with people seeing you that closely. Trying to force yourself to make eye contact isn't going to help, it will just frustrate you. Build up your confidence over time (please no quick fixes...) and you will be able to look people in the eyes. Confidence is something to worry about, eye contact will come automatically when you deal with the real issues.

Schwan

Eye contact is one of THE most important things out there. If you're looking to get more confidence in interpersonal relationships, that working on you "gaze" is very, very important, and can actually get half of the work done for you (the other half being working out and keeping yourself nice and fresh and all that). The problem is to manage it properly - you might come off as a psycho if you gaze too intently.

One more thing, though. It's cool if you absolutely ignore the pretty girl walking down the street - I mean the one with long, flowing hair on the wind, with an incredible skirt and all that. The point is that they want you look, and if you don't they actually can get intrigued. Another thing to do is to look, then smirk to yourself, and look the other way, as if you saw something silly. The rections are priceless. Kinda antisocial, buuuut. What the heck.

skier

Kinda going along with schwan's post, People are more interested in what you think of them then they think of you. Though you are a unique snowflake, you're one in a snowstorm of billions. Try not to think about what people may be thinking of you. It doesn't make two snowflake's worth of difference.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Mantus

Dualman7, hows it going man? Tell us your plans on getting past this idiosyncrasy of yours. Your post here is a good start but you got keep going!


Schwan, being nonchalant only works if you know you'll see the girl again. Otherwise it's "oh, that guy seems intresting...oh well" *keep walking*. A missed opportunity!

Here is my modification on your theme.
As I spot the girl I look away as if I am looking at achitecture or something . Then at mid distance I take a good look at her and make eye contact. If I like her I'll keep eye contact, and if she doesn't turn away I say "HI"

The intresting thing about looking away is that it gives girls an oportunity to take a good look at you without feeling threatened by eye contact. Most girls simply stare forward and avoid eye contact because they don't wan't creeps thinking they are intrested just because the girl checked them out.

also,
looking away eyes down: good thing, say "hi"
looking away sideways: bad thing
looking away eyes up: you made a fool of yourself - say something funny!

Schwan

Mantus - Niiiiice.

OTK

I used to have your problem, and I still do every once in awhile. One thing that helped my get past it was my first girlfriend. After getting to know her I could look her in the eye more often and eventually we did the staring into eachothers' souls thing. But since you can't look a girl in they eye, I guess it will be hard to get a girlfriend, so I suggest practicing on your pets! Stare down your dog, but make sure he isn't aggressive because I hear that might aggravate them..

Philangicality

Hey, look at it like this. Not everybody is perfect. If they were life would be borring. You know looking people in the eyes isn't always a good thing. I know that if you look the wrong person in the eyes it will lead to a confrontation. Ya maybe eye contact is considered a strong trait in social interaction but just because you can not look a person in the eye doesn't mean you are not a strong person. Plus if someone looks you in the eye while talking, maybe they're thinking of playing candyland in the clouds with their long lost suffed animals soul. What I'm trying to say here is that just about everything is overrated. Lack of eye contact is nothing to dwell on. However the way I see it is that it is an opportunity for you to become a better person in your eyes if you will.

777

One thing that I found that helps is to get a life sixed picture of some one (pretty) to look at and practice staring at it's eyes. A wallpaper of your fav actress, model, or girlfriend on your PC is a good start. From there, move up to a real person. Ask if he/she will help you with the eye contact issue your going to overcome. Like a close friend, teacher, family member, and stare at them. Have staring contests. See if you can have fun with it.

Just face your fear. And keep us posted.

__________________
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

Gilda

I know I've always had difficulty with this one. How do you know when you're supposed to make eye contact? How do you know when it'll be considered friendly, and when it'll be considered a challenge? How long should you look?

I don't have any answers, but I wish you luck in finding them for yourself.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

taboo

you know, just look at it this way:

we're all human, and we all have pretty much the same insecurities!!!
so who caressssss! Just look at whoever straight in the eye, and you'll end up feeling more confident cuz you were able to do it, and they weren;t lolol

Impetuous1

I used to be shy and unable to look at people as a teenager. However, as I got older, I began to look at the whole eye contact thing as a challenge. I started with strangers. I didn't have any issues with looking at people I knew in the eye. As someone in the thread said earlier, most people do look away. Some see it as a confrontation and others as an invitation to talk to you. However, I am a female. I imagine, as a male you might want to look at other males in the eye sparingly so it's not taken as a confrontation. Also, if you're staring at a woman, try not to stare too long. Most women will think you're just kooky!

rofgilead

Sometimes, I think my gaze is a bit intense, so that is when I look away more while talking to people. I think that some people take that strangely, though. When I have a conversation and I look away while having the conversation sometimes people will think I am looking at something and then look over there or get distracted (which I kinda think is amusing).
In the end, I think people should act however they want to and not care so much what other people think about it (as long as it doesn't hurt other people)..

taboo

the best thing is not to be conscious about it..
eye contact shows confidence and openess,
and I find that it always affects a situation in a positive way--obviously not over done, otherwise it can be creepy!