soma

My life has reached a new low. I know this thread is long, but I really need some help.

Last weekend, I went to a party and asked this girl out. She accepted my offer and gave me her number. So that was all well and good.

For the past two days, I've been trying to call her to arrange a little get together. Each time I've called, she wasn't home.

Then today, my friend dropped a bomb on me on the way to class. We had a little conversation that went like this:

friend: Hey, did you call that girl you asked out at that party?
me: I've been trying to
friend: Oh. I went out with her last night.
me: (speechless)

I was too shocked to really say or do anything and we continued walking to class. I thought maybe I mis-heard what he said, so I just sat through class like any other day. After class I pulled him aside and we had another little conversation that went like this:

me: ok, I need to get a few things straight here. You went out with her last night
friend: yes

Ok, so maybe he didn't know I had asked her out. I'd be willing to believe that, but just to make sure, I pressed further:

me: Did you know I had already asked her out
friend: I knew she gave you her number, but ...

What he said hit me like a ton of bricks. At that point, I just walked away.

Ugh. I feel aweful right now.

There are two main issues I need advice on.

1.) This friend of mine and I are going for the same major and scheduled the same classes together. So I basically have to see him every single day until December (although I no longer care to). What is the most appropriate way to deal with the awkwardness and tension that now exists between us.

2.) Should I even try contacting this girl to ask what happened? I've been trying to call her before I knew about all of this, but she was never home. This seemed legitimate because she commutes to school and is not home much, but she also may have been avoiding me. But I can't imagine why she would let this all happen after she agreed to go out with me. She seemed like a very sweet person, which makes this all even more difficult for me to understand.



Please post here, PM me, whatever. Thanks.

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

ngdawg

Some friend...he knew you were interested in a particular girl and jumped ahead any way? Then proceeds to rub it in?
I'd have as many classes in my schedule changed as I could, not call the girl again and chalk it up to a lesson in trust. If this 'friend' sincerely apologizes for being a jerk, fine...but I'm betting it won't be the last time. Watch where you put your wallet.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Glory's Sun

there is no perfect answer to these questions.. it sucks when a friend screws you over but this sort of thing happens all the time. Who knows.. she might end up liking you more in the end..especially if you keep it cool and you all chill together

1. Just talk to him. There's too much clout for there to be no weirdness. If you feel bad then talk to him. Be honest.. he was honest with you.

2. Don't contact her. It may be viewed weird by your friend and her. It will all work itself out in the end.

Uncle Pony

I wouldn't talk to the guy anymore if the girl was that important. He knew you were interested and should've stepped off until the girl made it clear she wasn't interested in you. If you do, always remember he's the type of friend to fuck your fiance on your wedding day.

No. She went out with your friend and wouldn't answer/return your calls. She isn't interested in you. That's obvious.

Chuckles

just because a girl gave you her number doesn't mean all bets are off for everybody, she's still "free". What if he really liked the girl too? Do you know what they even did? Do they have a past? I mean, the way it seems is that it was just some random girl at a party that u just met. Seems to me that she wanted to go out with him more, seeing as she had given you her number, and also got his, and this time she happened to choose him. There are plenty more fish in the sea, no big deal.

pig

In order to answer this question adequately, more information is required.

1. When you say friend, how close are y'all? Your "friend" didn't seem to think much about it...are you certain it was a serious date, or that he perceived that you were seriously interested in her?

2. I wouldn't necessarily write the girl out. How well does she know you, him, etc? If they just hung out somewhere, it might not be a huge deal. Guy calls her, asks if she wants to do [x], she's bored, etc.

With that said, the fact that they managed to get in touch, while the two of you didn't doesn't bode too well. I'd take a deep breath, calm down a bit - then think through the aspect with your "friend" and try to determine how much he knew of your interest and how close y'all actually are as friends, then worry about the girl. If you've left a message at her place and she hasn't called you back, I would strongly suggest not calling her back. If she's knows about your friendship, went out with your "friend," and hasn't called you back then she's aware of the situation and is avoiding you. If your friend isn't aware that he just dick-moved you, then make him aware of it...but I wouldn't try to get him to "undo" his date. That shit has already gone down. If he knew it, then you don't have a friend. You've got a dick.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Poppinjay

Treat it as nothing. She chose the other guy over you anyways, and that's not a mean or harsh thing. I pursued chicks in college who decided to sign up for the "treat me like shit" guy instead. I won't say I never dwelled on it, but I didn't turn in my testicles to the overseeing agency either.

In college, I was all about the career path. I went to parties, sure, and dated a little. One of my female friends told me, "as long as l'm in college, I'm dating (x), when I'm ready for a husband, I'll be in touch."

Well, that would have been fun, but somebody else found me much earlier. Same'll happen to you.

soma

I met him last semester in the dorms and had a few classes with him. We got along fairly well.

I thought it was a serious date, but I clearly was mistaken. I don't feel as if my friend even began to consider how I felt about this girl before doing what he did. This experience has made me realize that the friendship I had with him really was an abusive one. I never felt like I got much respect from him, but just continued to hang out with him. I don't know why I feel so comfortable around people who treat me like dirt...

She knows him better. I was more or less a stranger, but they didn't have a serious history with each other.

But I'm at a point now where the girl is completely out of the picture. I don't care a whole lot what she does now, and you all have made me realize that calling her would probably only make things worse. But the main issue is dealing with this friend of mine. like I said earlier, the more I think about it, the more I see how unhealthy my friendship with him was. Changing my class schedule is sounding like a better idea the more I think about it. I really don't want to deal with him anymore.

Thoughts? Anyone have advice on breaking off a friendship with an unkind and (dare I say) abusive person?

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

FngKestrel

Just make sure that you don't find a new friend that treats you the same way. It's easy to fall into familiar patterns, even if they're unhealthy.

Siege

Well, I have a similar experience. Cept that mine actually involved me actually having a relationship with a girl. One guy who was supposed to be my friend just decides to go up to her and ask her out even though he knew she was going out with me. Long story short is that she chose him, they treated each other like shit, broke up, and I get something to laugh at.

Though I do admit, that every time I saw him for a while after, I had a large urge to punch him square in the nose.

As for breaking up the relationship, that's easy. Just don't hang out with him anymore. Don't call him, if he calls, you can either tell him the truth - something along the lines of "i don't want to hang out with you anymore" or something not so direct - just keep telling him you're busy.

Of course this could be more difficult if you guys have the same circle of friends. Such was the case with me and the other guy. But fortunately, I had more than 1 circle of friends, so it worked out fine.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

soma

More details, more ideas, more questions:

We are in the same circle of friends. On Friday, after I found out about everything, two of his friends were hanging out at my dorm with my room mates. When I walked in, they immediately started to casually harass me (oh here comes the pimp daddy, we should learn how to get with women like him etc etc).

I can see that if I cut things off from this group of friends entirely, I will be very vulnerable to further harassment. When I was in highschool, I had other crappy relationships with people. One of these people eventually pushed me to a point where I cut things off entirely. After that, I started getting bullied by these people, which made my life unbearable.

So of course I'm worried the same exact thing will happen to me now that I'm in college. My plan right now is to make up with this friend of mine to prevent any sort of retaliation from him and/or his friends, cut out any existing hostility, and slowly and subtley dissassociate myself from this circle of friends. Saying I'm busy when they go out, avoiding situations where they are around, nurturing my relationships with the good people from this circle, and finding new friendships.

Thoughts?

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

pig

Well,

Quick thoughts on the recent stuff:

1. Personally, I wouldn't change my class schedule because of this guy, unless it really was more convenient for me in some way. Otherwise, you're letting him tacitly set your schedule. In essense, fuck him.

2. Building on the "fuck him" theme - I personally wouldn't make a big display of "breaking it off" with the group of friends, and I wouldn't let fear of being harrassed dictate my actions. You don't want to hang out with them? Well, then - fuck them. Don't hang out with them. It goes like this:

Them: "Soma. We're going out. Wanna come?"

You: "No. That's alright. I've got a scintillating game of tiddlywinks I'm going to be playing. Y'all have fun."

If they do harrass you, don't react. They'll stop. It's no fun harrassing a wall, and if you are essentially a wall, they almost always stop.

Good luck.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

soma

Thanks. Sounds good. And as for the not reacting when harassed, lets say that I'm in my dorm and they are too, and they start making fun of me. Would it help to just leave and do something else, or does that just give them the power to make me leave whenever they want to.

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

pig

Tough call - it's one reason why I hated living in student communes...I mean dorms. You'll have to play it by ear, you know? I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with you removing yourself from a situation to go do something...but do you not have any control over them being in your room? Are you in a suite or something? I'd probably put up with a little bit of shit-talking, and at some point I'd calmly tell them to (in essence) shut the fuck up. I'm tired of hearing about it, it's obviously not something I find important enough to get upset about, but it sure as hell is annoying. If these guys aren't players themselves, you might ask them if it's funner to criticize from the sidelines instead of getting in the game. If they are players, you might ask them exactly what benefit they derive from making fun of you, and if it actually makes them feel better / believe that their dicks are in any way larger for trying to put you down. I've found that people that kid others, with the intention of hurting another's feelings, generally wither when confronted by honest communication. What are they going to say? "sorry soma. i'm an insecure dickhead. i'll look into it.?" not likely. eventually, you'll have the ability to not associate with assholes. college dorms ain't always that opportunity.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Siege

Pigglet gave some good advice. But one thing i'd like to point out is that, no offense, you have some shitty friends. They'd harass you just because you don't want to hang out with them?

Like pigglet said, harassing a wall is no fun. Hang out with quality people and it won't be a problem. Also, is changing roomies not an option? One of my friends hated his roomy so much that he lived in another friend's dorm until his roomy finally got kicked out for doing something illegal. I figure that he could've just asked for a room mate change instead of going through all that trouble.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

Uncle Pony

A Master lock and tube sock will solve the harassment problems. Legal problems may spring up, but the harassment will stop.

denim

What's the tube sock for?

Uncle Pony

Put the lock in it and start swinging at the other guy's head. I've seen it used and it's quite effective.

pig

a fucking rat sword. brings back memories

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Jinn

You've got to be kidding me. You're not angry at your "friend" as you are at getting rejected. It's simple math:

Girl gives 2 guys number.
Girl goes out with one guy.

He won, you lost. Chalk it up. Getting a girls number does not entail "DIBS."

If you want to change your classes and break it off with those "friends," so be it.. but it won't diguise the fact that you're jealous.

(Nor will using a "rat sword" to get even.)

I'm sorry if this post seems harsh, but I had a guy that lived in the dorms with me that was exactly like this. He figured that if he TALKED to a girl, he had "dibs" on her. If you evensomuch as shook her hand, you were being an inconsiderate friend. I mean honestly, what's the big loss?

(P.S. My experience would tell me that the only reason this "harassment" hurt s is because you know I'm right. If you work on the idea that getting a girls number isnt "dibs" then the harassment is taken in the light-hearted mood its probably intended in.)

If it helps, assume my attitude is the attitude the "friend" has.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

pig

Man, I don't know Jinn...if you're buddies, I usually like to play by the mutal non-aggression pact. If I know my buddy is trying to make a move on a chick, then I stand back. If she starts giving me serious frisky vibes, then I at least give him a heads up before I go in. It just alleviates a lot of these problems...I mean, unless you're both working on the fuck 'em and forget 'em policy, and you know it etc...I think you're asking for problems in the friendship...

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

raeanna74

It was unfair of him to approach the girl you were interested in without first talking to you. Granted if it was 2 months ago that you got her number and you had failed to call at ALL in that time period I might not be so harsh but from what you say it does not sound like this is the case. He was rude to rub it in your face as well. As for his friends, if there is any way to reject them from your room then do so ASAP. I would cut off relations with this group of friends. If they begin to harrass you do your utmost to not allow them to approach you when you are alone. Make sure other's are around and when they do start to haggle you can respond as piglet suggested above. Ask them what the root of their problem is and give a possibility. They are forced to try to argue it, accept it as truth, or walk away and leave you alone. In any case I doubt they will be approaching you soon after.

I wish you good luck.

Oh and I would ask the girl out again myself if I were you. Chances are if your friend was such a jerk to ask her out and she'd given you her number, well she was at least SOMEWHAT interested in your and if your friend is this kind of jerk she will discover it quickly if not already.

Besides - personally I'd love to be able to turn things around on a friend who'd done that to me. Good Luck with the girl.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

texxasco

Ditto. Just because you got her number doesn't mean you had exclusive rights to her... She was fair game. After all she did give both you guys her number. If she didn't want the other guy to have it she wouldn't have given it to him. Who knows, maybe she knew you too were friends and decided to give the number to "both" of you so she wouldn't step on any toes... I doubt it though. If she didn't know then, she probably does now.

Just get over her...and don't hold any grudges against your friend. Yes I say friend too...because unless you had some sort of prior agreement, and it doesn't sound like it. Just move on...but take with you some lessons learned.
1) Life ain't fair
2)If you are interested in a girl, woman, whatever...go for it and don't expect everybody else to wait for you to act
3) Don't waste time licking your wounds, and just get back out there.

Here's what you ought to do:

A) Drop it - Don't call her. And, of he wasn't a very good friend before, decide whether you still wish to consider him a friend. If not - drop him too and move on. He doesn't sound like he was much a friend either after reading your other posts. No big deal.

B) Be your own person . Do you really want to be the kid of guy that sets back upset he didn't get the girl, or the kind of guy that will shrug it off, and go find another one?

Which type of guy do you think girls are more attracted to?

You'll be ok man...just get back out there and have some fun. That's what your supposed to be doing at this point in your life.

Obviosly neither did you.... There's plenty of fish in the sea dude... go fishin!!

__________________
...A Bad Day of Fishing is Better Than a Great Day at Work!

Acetylene

For the love of Pete, don't change your class schedule. You are in college, and regardless of what anyone says, college is NOT ABOUT GIRLS. It is about your education and you cannot let anything get in the way of that. If you allow one asshole to mess up your classes which YOU chose, then all you are doing is wasting your parents' money and your own time and effort. Be a man and concentrate on what matters here. Sorry to be harsh but girls will come to YOU if they see you as a confident, intelligent guy--they will not find you attractive if you run away from confrontation.

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

analog

That is not a circle of friends, that is a circle of assholes. No disrespect to those you may still think are friends, but that is not how a person treats a real friend. Maybe since this was your experience in high school, you haven't yet known a true friend, and that's why you think this behavior is something a friend would do. It is not.

I say cut all ties and move on with your life. Don't have to be mean, just be distant and unavailable. If they give you shit, tell them to fuck off. This isn't the elementary playground, they need to act like adults now. Go find some genuine friends.

Poppinjay

Considering you (Soma) are a junior in college, I have to wonder about the folks in your dorm. That kind of teasing is really odd. They may just be trying to get you to interact with them again. True, it's a clumsy, stupid way to do it, but we're talking about college guys here. I got the same treatment when I was a freshman and one of the Junior cheerleaders showed up at my dorm room (I was out, dammit!) for help with a class. I was somewhat embarassed when I got the pimp daddy treatment, but I just said, "sure, maybe then you can use your rubbers instead of wrapping them on my doorknob".

By the time we were juniors, everything was cool. I wonder about the social lives of your "friends"? They sound like chronic masturbators who break out in a sweat if a girl says boo.

texxasco

Cutting ties is a little premature IMO, and it's also a little presumptuous to judge these guys too harshly. After all, we've only heard one side of the story...and there is always two sides, or more. These guys might just be ok stand up guys who were just fooling around. I wouldn't be so quick to judge unless I knew them personally. From what soma has posted on this topic, it sounds more to me like he's got a little confidence problem that's all. I wouldn't be so quick to alienate everybody. My best friend from back in 10th grade (around 25 years now) used to give me shit all the time. Sure I got mad at him, but I also got over it, and then gave him the same shit back. Since those days we've been each other's best man (repeatedly unfortunately), been there for each other through plenty of bad times, and I am godfather to his twin girls. When I first met him, and for quite awhile I thought he was a real asshole, and full of himself. In fact, the first time we met we almost got in a fight (he was the aggressor back then) over something stupid...(details in a future thread). But I got to know him well (over time), and my opinion changed. Now, if it came to it I would take a bullet for him (and the feeling is mutual)... that's how close we are.

I am not saying that soma has this same kind of relationship with this guy, or any of the others... but if he cuts them all off, and alienates himself, he might be getting rid of his next best friend, and lifelong buddy...and opening a whole new can of worms. This whole thing is over a girl he hardly knows. Not to offend any women, but I haven't met one worth fighting over yet. Now, a girlfriend or wife, someone that he has invested some time and effort in... then it would be different story. There are too many women out there for him to get bent out of shape over this one. By soma's own admission he didn't and doesn't know her very well. Is he more mad at his friend for getting the girl, or himself for not getting her first?



This little problem is hitting pretty close to home. This is his circle of friends. They hang out in the same dorm, go the same places, etc. The original problem needs to be dealt with before he creates more. Unless they have been lifelong friends of his, he can't hold them to such a high standard... they're all young and getting to know one another. Expect people to screw up occasionally...people do that. Unless you posted it and I missed it, as of your last post you hadn't even spoken to the guy about it. You haven't shown where there was any malicious intent. Give the guy, and yourself a break.


That is what guys do. Goof on each other, have fun, and chase girls. How do we know that they aren't just giving him some friendly ribbing? Even if they do go a little far with it, telling them to fuck off would just show them he can't take a joke, add more fuel to the fire, and still leave the original problem unsolved. What's he supposed to do, just cut himself off from everyone he knows and go live in a box? No... he needs to deal with this situation, and the best way to do that is go find him another girl. Those other guys are just being guys, and ribbing him harmlessly. IMO the only reason he's reacting so strongly to a little ribbing is because he hasn't gotten over the fact that a friend of his got to a girl before he did. So what. It happens... and when it does, the right thing to do is get over it and move on. You win some you lose some. Life goes on. If he handles this right, some of these guys could end up being lifelong friends of his. Just because they give him shit doesn't mean they're all bad.

Soma, you need to take whatever little ribbing you get, don't be so thin skinned, and give it back to them. Have a sense of humor too.. Haven't you ever ribbed someone? Don't get mad every time someone gives you a little shit. You wanna get them off your back? Take their shit with a smile, show them you can take a joke, and then get even.

Try this - First off, forget that girl. Once you have done that, or at the same time, go out and find yourself a another one. Every time they see you with your new girl, they will get the point, and you can grin until your face hurts... What are they gonna say then? Not a damn thing. The message you'll be sending them is:

1) You aren't a woos
2) You aren't a sore loser
3) You can get your own women
4) You can take a joke
5) You are spending time with a hot chick, and they're laying around making stupid jokes. Who's laughing at who now?

If they still make stupid little jokes aimed at you, just shrug it off, because then, as Poppinjay said "They sound like chronic masturbators who break out in a sweat if a girl says boo." Getting mad at guys who are making fun of you almost NEVER solves the problem... it just makes it more fun for them to get under your skin.

I bet they'll quieten down though.

__________________
...A Bad Day of Fishing is Better Than a Great Day at Work!

match000

That's totally true. However, it is a pain in the ass to be in the same class with a few people who you are not on good terms with.

I've had a similar situation, but the whole circle turned on me (3-4 friends) because the bad friend I decided to cut it off with is ultra smart and is very useful for homework answers; so the group basically just ignored me and sided with him.

In any case, its annoying because you see these people in your classes for 2-3 more years, in office hours, in discussion sections, etc.

I wouldn't change the schedule, but perhaps if possible rearrange the courses; however, if Professor A is the best for a class, I wouldn't take Prof B who is not as good simply to avoid the friend. So, education takes top priority.

Schwan

We'eeeeellll... I've sort of been on the other side of this. During college, I spent my days with a buddy of mine. We also knew this girl and we spent hours and hurs talking abut which one of us she's got the hots for. One time I went out with her and my ex. We all got drunk, things got steamy, and I shoved my tongue down their throats (ah, college - how romantic). Anyhow, the next day I called hi8m up to tell him how happy I was that I managed to kiss with two girls at once, and that one of them was my ex, and the socond one was the girl that we used to talk about. I knew something was wrong when he said that it's the most awful thing anyone has done to him - EVAR, and hung up. Turned out he was ating her at the time, but never bothered to tell me. I tried to fix it, apologized, and so on, but we drifted apart. We haven't talked or seen each other for a few years. They're together for some time now and will probably get married soon. Another friendship dead.

The moral? Um... You can't win...?

Poppinjay

From Schwan "They're together for some time now and will probably get married soon. Another friendship dead."


There was some reality show, I forget which, I think I saw it on "The Soup" on E!, where a guy on the show found out his GF cheated on him, or that she was on the show and cheated, I forget which. But he acted like a total baby.

Before I finish, I've been on that side. I acted like a twit, and after standing thunderstruck in the grocery, I picked my ego off the floor and learned something.

Never before has there been a better case of, "he who cares the least, wins." And its ugly cousin, "he who puts his total all into a potential mate, loses."

Soma, if you run into the girl, there are two good ways to treat this.

1st, you can still scam on her. Act like you're trying to steal her away. Not because you deeply care, but because you want her like you want a new iPod, or hot car ie: a possesion. If you actually care is beside the point. Say, "you with (friend) now, or do you still want to hang out sometime?" But not in a Napoleon Dynamite kind of way.

2nd, take the position, "I'm done with you." She is a guy to you from now on. If you think there might have been a spark, just think of her as Joe from the Tower Records who has some interesting things to say, but not much else to offer. Be friendly. Smile. But she is Joe, now.

And before any of the charming and intelligent women of TFP flame me, you don't know what this is like. It's a guy thing. By the way, you look beautiful today? Have you lost weight? Black is your color!

He. Who. Cares. The. Least. WINS.