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Old 02-26-2011, 07:48 AM   #1 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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Location: Perth, Australia
She cheated on me. I still love her.

What the fuck do I do?
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Old 02-26-2011, 07:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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It's understandable that you feel that you love her because it's impossible to turn off one's emotional attachment to someone overnight, no matter what happens. This may sound a little cynical, but I offer to things to consider ...
  • If you let her off the hook, how likely is it to happen again?
  • Will you ever be able to truly get past it, or is it something that you would conceivably hang over her head indefinitely?
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Old 02-26-2011, 07:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Plan9 likes to post this a lot, and I believe it's pretty useful.

Cut all contact.
Delete Facebook.
Hit the gym.
Fuck strangers.
Hang with bros.
Remain calm.

That's pretty much all you can do--do you really want to get wrapped up in someone who cheated on you? There is always the possibility they will do it again, and do you really want to spend your time on someone when that thought is in that back of your mind?
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Old 02-26-2011, 08:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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I don't think she will do it again in a hurry. This happened an hour ago so tbh I'm still in shock. I never saw it coming. Her reason was she does everything for me but jesus I was nearly killed by cancer and have been working again for a month after a six months of treatment that royally fucked me up and another six of recovery.

snowy - we've been together nearly four years and have a joint mortgage. I don't know if I can walk so easily.
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Old 02-26-2011, 08:21 AM   #5 (permalink)
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What does "this happened an hour ago" mean?

She cheated on your an hour ago, or you found out an hour ago? Was it an affair or a one night drunken mistake?
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Old 02-26-2011, 09:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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More information is needed before an effective answer can be arrived at....
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Old 02-26-2011, 12:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Lucifer View Post
More information is needed before an effective answer can be arrived at....
Agreed with the addition that we're here to help as needed.
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Old 02-26-2011, 12:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Loving someone is a conscious decision YOU make. What we each factor into that "love" decision varies from person to person. For many people... trust is one of the biggest factors for a healthy relationship, but it does not neccessarily equate to whether you love someone or not.

Like some others have said.. we can be of more help if we know a little bit more about the situation.
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Old 02-26-2011, 01:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hulk View Post
Her reason was she does everything for me but jesus I was nearly killed by cancer and have been working again for a month after a six months of treatment that royally fucked me up and another six of recovery.
First, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this in the midst of treatment. As if you didn't have enough to deal with. Hopefully, you're making progress?

Secondly, I think you may feel differently once your brain processes what's happened. You're in shock.

There are some couple that are able to make it through this, but it takes a lot of work, effort and mutual love. I've only met one couple who've successfully done it, but their story was a little different.

Give yourself some time to process this. If the two of you can talk openly there's a chance you may be able to get through it.

I think TFP in general doesn't like to see other TFPers getting stomped on and taken advantage of so if you need moral support, no matter what your views after you've considered everything, we're always just a click away.
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Old 02-26-2011, 01:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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Location: Perth, Australia
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cimarron29414 View Post
What does "this happened an hour ago" mean?

She cheated on your an hour ago, or you found out an hour ago? Was it an affair or a one night drunken mistake?
There's this guy down the road who she met while walking their respective dogs & she had been meeting up so the dogs could play. She started having a few drinks & getting stoned (which she likes but I won't do pot ever). She started staying out later & last night burst into tears and told me she cheated.

My reaction was and is pretty cold, probably because once you're told you have a 40% chance to live there's not much that can rattle you.

I don't know if she was drunk or high and I don't particularly care to find out all the sordid details.
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Old 02-26-2011, 06:49 PM   #11 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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Things have calmed a bit. Her reasoning - I forget to do the dishes so she always has to (I'm adhd and she's ocd - she never reminds me just does them) and I'm become a shitty lay (thanks, testicular cancer).
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Old 02-26-2011, 10:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
who ever said streaking was a bad thing?
 
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When I was younger I had a close gf cheat on me and I feel your pain...

First thing you need to realize is that there's nothing you can do to change the past, move on from it...
Secondly, determine whether her reason, versus your feelings are able to coexist in a healthy relationship...
Third, don't become obessesive on the situation, such as thinking about it, talk with her, define your relationship post-infidelity
Fourth, deal with the consequences of her actions...

sorry this had to happen...
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Old 02-27-2011, 01:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
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The fact that she can't take responsibility for it and instead blamed it on various things about you says everything you don't want to hear. :/
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Old 02-27-2011, 03:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toaster126 View Post
The fact that she can't take responsibility for it and instead blamed it on various things about you says everything you don't want to hear. :/
maybe he wanted to hear it and she told him the reason.

its not an excuse for infidelity, but they may be valid reasons for the breakdown of the relationship.
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Old 02-27-2011, 05:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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You love her...does she still love you?
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Old 02-27-2011, 11:24 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dlish View Post
maybe he wanted to hear it and she told him the reason.

its not an excuse for infidelity, but they may be valid reasons for the breakdown of the relationship.
I was not commenting on the validity of any reasons and assigning any blame. I was pointing out that her inability to take responsibility for the part in it she had is a large indicator any energy spent "fixing" this would be one-sided or done for the wrong reasons, and that she doesn't have any sort of perspective or maturity about the whole thing.

I just assume if someone cheats on someone else, things were pretty messed up beforehand, and both parties knew or should have known it in a majority of situations. Of course, everyone thinks they are in an unique situation, and they are partially right.
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Old 02-28-2011, 05:13 AM   #17 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toaster126 View Post
The fact that she can't take responsibility for it and instead blamed it on various things about you says everything you don't want to hear. :/
I think you've hit the nail on the head. She wants to be with this guy & she will loathe me for stopping her. I mean, she's at his place right now.
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Old 02-28-2011, 05:39 AM   #18 (permalink)
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If you are married, you should first cover yourself and document it all no matter how painful. Even if it means hiring a private detective to take pictures, or get a hidden camera so you can record and document it. You need to protect your assets and yourself always.

Do what you can to lock down all liquid assets, credit cards.

This may sound harsh but right now she from what you are saying is not taking responsibility for her actions or even partial responsibility. It shows she is already one step out the door. And the bad lay comment after testicular cancer is honestly just cruel.

If you both really want to continue the relationship you both need therapy, you should both research and find a therapist, I would recommend couples and 1 on 1 therapy (with different therapist unless the therapist sees both of you still 1 on 1 and couple).

I feel for you, and wish you the best, it is not a pleasant road.
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Old 02-28-2011, 05:48 AM   #19 (permalink)
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hulk, it sounds like you have the answers you needed - not from us but from her. Good luck, man, and know that we're here for you when you need us. Sorry that she's so selfish.
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Old 03-01-2011, 12:52 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I'm not in your shoes man, but from the sounds of things, FUCK THAT SHIT!.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:44 AM   #21 (permalink)
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hulk - I think you should take some time to gather yourself before making drastic moves...but everything you're sharing indicates that you need to get out. She cheated, her reasons are petty (especially with you in recovery), she takes no responsibility for her actions, and after admission she's hanging out with the guy. That's essentially what I just read. There may be more to it, and there's always the other side to the story - but if its even close, the best thing for both of you is to get out. Good luck.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:55 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xazy View Post
Do what you can to lock down all liquid assets, credit cards.

This may sound harsh but right now she from what you are saying is not taking responsibility for her actions or even partial responsibility. It shows she is already one step out the door. And the bad lay comment after testicular cancer is honestly just cruel.

I feel for you, and wish you the best, it is not a pleasant road.
This. Get ready. Move liquid assets, at least half of them, under your exclusive control, so she can't ambush you if she decides to screw you further.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:47 AM   #23 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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Location: Perth, Australia
It just keeps getting more fucked up. She's asked how I'd feel if we kept living together and doing everything together except sleeping. So I'd keep being a good boyfriend and when she feels like it she'll pop down the road.

This other guy is promising her the world, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that he'll look after her every need, how can I compete with that?

I hate this whole fucking thing.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:58 AM   #24 (permalink)
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The biggest hassle for you is the combined mortgage.
Can you pay this on your own?
Do you have any possibility of buying her out?
If you sell, does it cover what you owe?

Option 3 might be the best move - sell the house, tell her to fuck off and move on.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:01 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Option 3 might be the best move - sell the house, tell her to fuck off and move on.
spoken like a true gentleman.

i love aussies.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:11 AM   #26 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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Location: Perth, Australia
The biggest hassle is I'm still stupidly in love with her.

It just came out of the blue. Blindsided me completely. Sometimes at night I think it's all a dream. God damn it.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:37 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Hulk, i know it sounds like cliche, and i hate cliche's like a mother-fudger...but time will make you see things clearer.

Right now your life is a mess and you wish for normalcy. if only she can love you again, if only you had paid attention, if only things can go back to the way things were, if only i didnt know...im sure all of these have gone through yor head. But the only thing that you need to concentrate on is you. Pick up the pieces, move on and think of yourself, because that selfish bitch wont.

in a few years you'll be glad you found someone else who treats you for what you're worth instead of treating you like trash and kicking you to the kerb when she doesnt want you. she.is.bad.news.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:48 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hulk
I can’t believe she really blew the Horn of Gondor. I mean... ugh... I was just kidding.
...

Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy View Post
Plan9 likes to post this a lot, and I believe it's pretty useful.
...if you're Henry Rollins.

Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy
Cut all contact.
Delete Facebook.
Hit the gym.
Fuck strangers.
Hang with bros.
Remain calm.
It does work, but it doesn't actually help the injury. It's a distraction, it's a band-aid on a gunshot wound. It's that piece of rawhide between your teeth when they saw off your leg. After you're done playing "This Isn't Happening," the hole in your chest (er, life) is still there. This just buys time to calm.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowy
That's pretty much all you can do--do you really want to get wrapped up in someone who cheated on you? There is always the possibility they will do it again, and do you really want to spend your time on someone when that thought is in that back of your mind?
It's easy to get wrapped up in someone that cheated on you. You wanna know why. You wanna know how they justified it. You wanna know what you could have done differently, even if it was obviously X, Y and Z the whole time. I've been there many times. And though the conventional wisdom isn't to try to question a knife out of your back (just pull the motherfucker out and slap a bandage on the wound, possibly an occlusive dressing) it doesn't help the system shock of someone betraying you. Not having them in your face is good, but it doesn't heal anything. The forward process is 1-2-3 outlined in those steps... remove the person from your life (cut all contact, delete Facebook), keep your body challenged to keep your brain busy (hit the gym, fuck girls off OkCupid) and don't become a recluse (find bros, hang with bros). Avoiding rash behavior such as sending angry "I Feel" or ultimatum emails. It's pointless desperation and won't benefit you in the long run even if it feels better to get the vitriol out of your soul. Put your energy into you.

If that means sitting on the couch and drinking heavily and growing a substantial hobo beard, do it. Give yourself some down time to wallow. That's fine.

But pick a date to Man Up (TM). Make sure you stay in control of when you get better. You control the wallowing, you control the healing.

...

Know that there is no closure. There is no closure. There is no closure. There is no closure. What did I just say? There is no goddamn closure.

This is absolutely critical. Make it your mantra. You may never be able to understand and accept her reasons. So don't try to make sense of it.

...

Let us know how things are going, Hulk. May you find solace in knowing that a lot of us here have gone through the exact same thing.

I've been through this issue twice in the last five years. First it was my wife, then it was a long term girlfriend. I'm too stupid to see it coming.

...

I'd follow the advice laid out here, bro. Cover your ass financially, remain calm and develop a plan to Ditch the Bitch (TM) ASAP.

Come at this like a cunning divorce lawyer. Figure out your financial and property vulnerabilities and secure them immediately.

Get her away from you or get yourself away from her. If you need to shack up somewhere else, do it. Don't be her doormat.

If there is a way to get her out of the house (perhaps a good old fashioned legal threat of some sort), play that card soon.
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Last edited by Plan9; 03-02-2011 at 05:46 AM..
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:53 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Demotion to roommate BFF? If you do so, prepare to be a doormat. Think about the message she's sending by asking you this, and what you're saying by accepting. Let her go man...she's already gone. If you can't kick her out because of the mortgage, then I'd treat her like the roommate you barely know and work towards complete separation.
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:23 AM   #30 (permalink)
C'mon, just blow it.
 
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Thanks guys. Plan 9, you just made me smile.
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Last edited by hulk; 03-02-2011 at 05:36 AM..
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Old 03-02-2011, 05:42 AM   #31 (permalink)
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I'm here for you, man. TFP was here for me.
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:24 AM   #32 (permalink)
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OK, I'm going to try to see this from her perspective, and I'm going to recap as much as I can from what you have posted.

You two are married and have been together for four years. About a year ago, you were diagnosed with testicular cancer, and the recovery has been very difficult. Your relationship has changed from that of lover to lover to that of caregiver to patient. This can be a huge strain on a marriage.

Additionally, the testicular cancer has impacted your ability to have sex (I'm not sure to what extent). In a poor decision on her part, she looked elsewhere for sex, and got it. She knows that the screwed up, and came and admitted it to you. You reacted coldly, and (to give you room to think? out of fear?) she went to the other guy's house while you processed your thoughts.

You still love her. She is not looking to dump you, perhaps she still loves you, since she is suggesting that you still live together.

So... now what? Has your treatments completely destroyed your sexuality? Have you two been doing anything together sexually? Can the use of toys or perhaps a strap-on allow you to still give her penetrative sex?

What if she still loved and cared for you, and she still went to this other guy for an occasional fuck? Sex, while important, is not necessarily the only part of a marriage. There have been stranger arrangements made by other people.
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Old 03-02-2011, 12:41 PM   #33 (permalink)
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What if she still loved and cared for you, and she still went to this other guy for an occasional fuck? Sex, while important, is not necessarily the only part of a marriage. There have been stranger arrangements made by other people.
No sleeping with him? Hardly the occasional fuck, even if this is acceptable as far as hulk's concerned. The fact that she chose to do it with no conversation and total disregard for him is appalling, especially under these circumstances. When a woman feels neglected by someone who's physically incapable of fulfilling those needs, she ought to at least start a conversation before abandoning and neglecting the one she purportedly loves.

This arrangement leaves her nights with the other guy and you, hulk, lonely and insecure, being used for what you can do for her, or else it's her way of keeping you on the proverbial back burner.

Playing devil's advocate, it may be worth one more shot at a conversation. But if there are no straight answers, I'd definitely agree with the majority here. If she's not able to say that she wants to spend her life with you, if she can't sleep with you regardless of your current physical condition ... it's time to let her go.
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Old 03-03-2011, 02:58 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dlish View Post
spoken like a true gentleman.

i love aussies.
I reckon there needs to be more antipodean language in our world.
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Old 03-03-2011, 09:39 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Quote:
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No sleeping with him? Hardly the occasional fuck, even if this is acceptable as far as hulk's concerned. The fact that she chose to do it with no conversation and total disregard for him is appalling, especially under these circumstances. When a woman feels neglected by someone who's physically incapable of fulfilling those needs, she ought to at least start a conversation before abandoning and neglecting the one she purportedly loves.

This arrangement leaves her nights with the other guy and you, hulk, lonely and insecure, being used for what you can do for her, or else it's her way of keeping you on the proverbial back burner.
I agree, it was appalling, but I still see a chance for fixing things. I hate to see something thrown away that could be fixed.

There's all sorts of other arrangement possibilities: only sex with the other guy when Hulk is (in the room/in the house)? No sleepovers? Not this guy, but some other guy that Hulk approves of, and understands the situation from the start with appropriate boundaries?
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Old 03-03-2011, 10:15 AM   #36 (permalink)
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I don't know Red Lemon, I'm not so sure having a third party sexual relationship is necessarily beneficial to Hulk...

While I am a major proponent of 'Working Things Out' she crossed a line, then, after breaking Hulk's heart by dropping a C-bomb, still goes over to her paramours house since her boyfriend, who's recovering from a major medical condition "is a bad lay."

And now she proposes staying together while she fucks a stranger?

I think the situation's toxic all around.

Look Hulk, I think you should seriously talk to her--that this is not something you are not willing to tolerate and will leave her unless she cuts off the behavior. (Unless of course you are okay with the proposed arrangement, then ignore all this, but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like something you are happy with). In addition, I feel like the arrangement she's suggesting makes you the equivalent of a doormat.

Before I go all divorce lawyer on you, you can probably try speaking with her, telling her you love her, that you appreciate her being around while you recover from your illness, but that her actions cannot happen in your relationship.

/Rant

---------- Post added at 01:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:00 PM ----------

.....in the alternative...

Who pays the mortgage and who holds title to the home? How is the home titled?
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Old 03-07-2011, 02:25 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Location: MD
While she is head over heals for this other guy - get her to move out.
Let her fall for him, get your stuff and get out for now. Its your best chance of her not wanting to take anything of yours at the moment.

Is she on the loan or just deed? If its just the deed, you can get her off for next to $200.00. If its the loan, then you need to get a loan on your own to get her off.

After you get her out and hopefully keep most (if not all) your stuff, then try to work it out from that point - if you still want to that is.

Sorry this is happening to you.
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Old 03-15-2011, 09:43 AM   #38 (permalink)
Insane
 
cybersharp's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by snowy View Post
Plan9 likes to post this a lot, and I believe it's pretty useful.

Cut all contact.
Delete Facebook.
Hit the gym.
Fuck strangers.
Hang with bros.
Remain calm.

That's pretty much all you can do--do you really want to get wrapped up in someone who cheated on you? There is always the possibility they will do it again, and do you really want to spend your time on someone when that thought is in that back of your mind?
I have to say.. This has worked very well for me in the past too.
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Old 03-15-2011, 06:48 PM   #39 (permalink)
Junkie
 
SirLance's Avatar
 
Location: In the middle of the desert.
Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.

First, forgive.

Second, move on. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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Old 03-16-2011, 04:02 PM   #40 (permalink)
Extreme moderation
 
Toaster126's Avatar
 
Location: Kansas City, yo.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SirLance View Post
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Why do people say this? It's one of the most ridiculous expressions I've ever heard.
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