02-26-2011, 07:48 AM | #1 (permalink) |
C'mon, just blow it.
Location: Perth, Australia
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She cheated on me. I still love her.
What the fuck do I do?
__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review. |
02-26-2011, 07:55 AM | #2 (permalink) |
Upright
Location: Toronto, Canada
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It's understandable that you feel that you love her because it's impossible to turn off one's emotional attachment to someone overnight, no matter what happens. This may sound a little cynical, but I offer to things to consider ...
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02-26-2011, 07:58 AM | #3 (permalink) |
Kick Ass Kunoichi
Location: Oregon
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Plan9 likes to post this a lot, and I believe it's pretty useful.
Cut all contact. Delete Facebook. Hit the gym. Fuck strangers. Hang with bros. Remain calm. That's pretty much all you can do--do you really want to get wrapped up in someone who cheated on you? There is always the possibility they will do it again, and do you really want to spend your time on someone when that thought is in that back of your mind?
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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau |
02-26-2011, 08:01 AM | #4 (permalink) |
C'mon, just blow it.
Location: Perth, Australia
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I don't think she will do it again in a hurry. This happened an hour ago so tbh I'm still in shock. I never saw it coming. Her reason was she does everything for me but jesus I was nearly killed by cancer and have been working again for a month after a six months of treatment that royally fucked me up and another six of recovery.
snowy - we've been together nearly four years and have a joint mortgage. I don't know if I can walk so easily.
__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review. |
02-26-2011, 08:21 AM | #5 (permalink) |
Still Free
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
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What does "this happened an hour ago" mean?
She cheated on your an hour ago, or you found out an hour ago? Was it an affair or a one night drunken mistake?
__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly." |
02-26-2011, 12:10 PM | #7 (permalink) |
Asshole
Administrator
Location: Chicago
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Agreed with the addition that we're here to help as needed.
__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo |
02-26-2011, 12:41 PM | #8 (permalink) |
Drifting
Administrator
Location: Windy City
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Loving someone is a conscious decision YOU make. What we each factor into that "love" decision varies from person to person. For many people... trust is one of the biggest factors for a healthy relationship, but it does not neccessarily equate to whether you love someone or not.
Like some others have said.. we can be of more help if we know a little bit more about the situation.
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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna |
02-26-2011, 01:01 PM | #9 (permalink) | |
Eponymous
Location: Central Central Florida
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Quote:
Secondly, I think you may feel differently once your brain processes what's happened. You're in shock. There are some couple that are able to make it through this, but it takes a lot of work, effort and mutual love. I've only met one couple who've successfully done it, but their story was a little different. Give yourself some time to process this. If the two of you can talk openly there's a chance you may be able to get through it. I think TFP in general doesn't like to see other TFPers getting stomped on and taken advantage of so if you need moral support, no matter what your views after you've considered everything, we're always just a click away.
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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain |
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02-26-2011, 01:54 PM | #10 (permalink) | |
C'mon, just blow it.
Location: Perth, Australia
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Quote:
My reaction was and is pretty cold, probably because once you're told you have a 40% chance to live there's not much that can rattle you. I don't know if she was drunk or high and I don't particularly care to find out all the sordid details.
__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review. |
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02-26-2011, 06:49 PM | #11 (permalink) |
C'mon, just blow it.
Location: Perth, Australia
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Things have calmed a bit. Her reasoning - I forget to do the dishes so she always has to (I'm adhd and she's ocd - she never reminds me just does them) and I'm become a shitty lay (thanks, testicular cancer).
__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review. |
02-26-2011, 10:02 PM | #12 (permalink) |
who ever said streaking was a bad thing?
Location: Calgary
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When I was younger I had a close gf cheat on me and I feel your pain...
First thing you need to realize is that there's nothing you can do to change the past, move on from it... Secondly, determine whether her reason, versus your feelings are able to coexist in a healthy relationship... Third, don't become obessesive on the situation, such as thinking about it, talk with her, define your relationship post-infidelity Fourth, deal with the consequences of her actions... sorry this had to happen... |
02-27-2011, 01:26 AM | #13 (permalink) |
Extreme moderation
Location: Kansas City, yo.
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The fact that she can't take responsibility for it and instead blamed it on various things about you says everything you don't want to hear. :/
__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck) |
02-27-2011, 03:38 AM | #14 (permalink) | |
Currently sour but formerly Dlishs
Super Moderator
Location: Australia/UAE
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Quote:
its not an excuse for infidelity, but they may be valid reasons for the breakdown of the relationship.
__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy |
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02-27-2011, 05:20 AM | #15 (permalink) |
Upright
Location: Kansas City
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You love her...does she still love you?
__________________
"Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an ordination of character which determines the relatedness of the person to the whole world as a whole, not toward one object of love." — Erich Fromm |
02-27-2011, 11:24 AM | #16 (permalink) | |
Extreme moderation
Location: Kansas City, yo.
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Quote:
I just assume if someone cheats on someone else, things were pretty messed up beforehand, and both parties knew or should have known it in a majority of situations. Of course, everyone thinks they are in an unique situation, and they are partially right.
__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck) |
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02-28-2011, 05:13 AM | #17 (permalink) |
C'mon, just blow it.
Location: Perth, Australia
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I think you've hit the nail on the head. She wants to be with this guy & she will loathe me for stopping her. I mean, she's at his place right now.
__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review. |
02-28-2011, 05:39 AM | #18 (permalink) |
People in masks cannot be trusted
Location: NYC
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If you are married, you should first cover yourself and document it all no matter how painful. Even if it means hiring a private detective to take pictures, or get a hidden camera so you can record and document it. You need to protect your assets and yourself always.
Do what you can to lock down all liquid assets, credit cards. This may sound harsh but right now she from what you are saying is not taking responsibility for her actions or even partial responsibility. It shows she is already one step out the door. And the bad lay comment after testicular cancer is honestly just cruel. If you both really want to continue the relationship you both need therapy, you should both research and find a therapist, I would recommend couples and 1 on 1 therapy (with different therapist unless the therapist sees both of you still 1 on 1 and couple). I feel for you, and wish you the best, it is not a pleasant road.
__________________
Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. |
02-28-2011, 05:48 AM | #19 (permalink) |
Asshole
Administrator
Location: Chicago
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hulk, it sounds like you have the answers you needed - not from us but from her. Good luck, man, and know that we're here for you when you need us. Sorry that she's so selfish.
__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo |
03-01-2011, 05:44 AM | #21 (permalink) |
pigglet pigglet
Location: Locash
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hulk - I think you should take some time to gather yourself before making drastic moves...but everything you're sharing indicates that you need to get out. She cheated, her reasons are petty (especially with you in recovery), she takes no responsibility for her actions, and after admission she's hanging out with the guy. That's essentially what I just read. There may be more to it, and there's always the other side to the story - but if its even close, the best thing for both of you is to get out. Good luck.
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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style |
03-01-2011, 05:55 AM | #22 (permalink) | ||
Future Bureaucrat
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03-02-2011, 03:47 AM | #23 (permalink) |
C'mon, just blow it.
Location: Perth, Australia
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It just keeps getting more fucked up. She's asked how I'd feel if we kept living together and doing everything together except sleeping. So I'd keep being a good boyfriend and when she feels like it she'll pop down the road.
This other guy is promising her the world, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that he'll look after her every need, how can I compete with that? I hate this whole fucking thing.
__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review. |
03-02-2011, 03:58 AM | #24 (permalink) |
Mine is an evil laugh
Location: Sydney, Australia
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The biggest hassle for you is the combined mortgage.
Can you pay this on your own? Do you have any possibility of buying her out? If you sell, does it cover what you owe? Option 3 might be the best move - sell the house, tell her to fuck off and move on.
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who hid my keyboard's PANIC button? |
03-02-2011, 04:01 AM | #25 (permalink) | |
Currently sour but formerly Dlishs
Super Moderator
Location: Australia/UAE
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Quote:
i love aussies.
__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy |
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03-02-2011, 04:11 AM | #26 (permalink) |
C'mon, just blow it.
Location: Perth, Australia
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The biggest hassle is I'm still stupidly in love with her.
It just came out of the blue. Blindsided me completely. Sometimes at night I think it's all a dream. God damn it.
__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review. |
03-02-2011, 04:37 AM | #27 (permalink) |
Currently sour but formerly Dlishs
Super Moderator
Location: Australia/UAE
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Hulk, i know it sounds like cliche, and i hate cliche's like a mother-fudger...but time will make you see things clearer.
Right now your life is a mess and you wish for normalcy. if only she can love you again, if only you had paid attention, if only things can go back to the way things were, if only i didnt know...im sure all of these have gone through yor head. But the only thing that you need to concentrate on is you. Pick up the pieces, move on and think of yourself, because that selfish bitch wont. in a few years you'll be glad you found someone else who treats you for what you're worth instead of treating you like trash and kicking you to the kerb when she doesnt want you. she.is.bad.news.
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An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy |
03-02-2011, 04:48 AM | #28 (permalink) | |||
I Confess a Shiver
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...if you're Henry Rollins. Quote:
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If that means sitting on the couch and drinking heavily and growing a substantial hobo beard, do it. Give yourself some down time to wallow. That's fine. But pick a date to Man Up (TM). Make sure you stay in control of when you get better. You control the wallowing, you control the healing. ... Know that there is no closure. There is no closure. There is no closure. There is no closure. What did I just say? There is no goddamn closure. This is absolutely critical. Make it your mantra. You may never be able to understand and accept her reasons. So don't try to make sense of it. ... Let us know how things are going, Hulk. May you find solace in knowing that a lot of us here have gone through the exact same thing. I've been through this issue twice in the last five years. First it was my wife, then it was a long term girlfriend. I'm too stupid to see it coming. ... I'd follow the advice laid out here, bro. Cover your ass financially, remain calm and develop a plan to Ditch the Bitch (TM) ASAP. Come at this like a cunning divorce lawyer. Figure out your financial and property vulnerabilities and secure them immediately. Get her away from you or get yourself away from her. If you need to shack up somewhere else, do it. Don't be her doormat. If there is a way to get her out of the house (perhaps a good old fashioned legal threat of some sort), play that card soon. Last edited by Plan9; 03-02-2011 at 05:46 AM.. |
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03-02-2011, 04:53 AM | #29 (permalink) |
pigglet pigglet
Location: Locash
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Demotion to roommate BFF? If you do so, prepare to be a doormat. Think about the message she's sending by asking you this, and what you're saying by accepting. Let her go man...she's already gone. If you can't kick her out because of the mortgage, then I'd treat her like the roommate you barely know and work towards complete separation.
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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style |
03-02-2011, 05:23 AM | #30 (permalink) |
C'mon, just blow it.
Location: Perth, Australia
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Thanks guys. Plan 9, you just made me smile.
__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex." -- From an IGN game review. Last edited by hulk; 03-02-2011 at 05:36 AM.. |
03-02-2011, 07:24 AM | #32 (permalink) |
Devoted
Donor
Location: New England
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OK, I'm going to try to see this from her perspective, and I'm going to recap as much as I can from what you have posted.
You two are married and have been together for four years. About a year ago, you were diagnosed with testicular cancer, and the recovery has been very difficult. Your relationship has changed from that of lover to lover to that of caregiver to patient. This can be a huge strain on a marriage. Additionally, the testicular cancer has impacted your ability to have sex (I'm not sure to what extent). In a poor decision on her part, she looked elsewhere for sex, and got it. She knows that the screwed up, and came and admitted it to you. You reacted coldly, and (to give you room to think? out of fear?) she went to the other guy's house while you processed your thoughts. You still love her. She is not looking to dump you, perhaps she still loves you, since she is suggesting that you still live together. So... now what? Has your treatments completely destroyed your sexuality? Have you two been doing anything together sexually? Can the use of toys or perhaps a strap-on allow you to still give her penetrative sex? What if she still loved and cared for you, and she still went to this other guy for an occasional fuck? Sex, while important, is not necessarily the only part of a marriage. There have been stranger arrangements made by other people.
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I can't read your signature. Sorry. |
03-02-2011, 12:41 PM | #33 (permalink) | |
Eponymous
Location: Central Central Florida
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Quote:
This arrangement leaves her nights with the other guy and you, hulk, lonely and insecure, being used for what you can do for her, or else it's her way of keeping you on the proverbial back burner. Playing devil's advocate, it may be worth one more shot at a conversation. But if there are no straight answers, I'd definitely agree with the majority here. If she's not able to say that she wants to spend her life with you, if she can't sleep with you regardless of your current physical condition ... it's time to let her go.
__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain |
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03-03-2011, 09:39 AM | #35 (permalink) | |
Devoted
Donor
Location: New England
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Quote:
There's all sorts of other arrangement possibilities: only sex with the other guy when Hulk is (in the room/in the house)? No sleepovers? Not this guy, but some other guy that Hulk approves of, and understands the situation from the start with appropriate boundaries?
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I can't read your signature. Sorry. |
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03-03-2011, 10:15 AM | #36 (permalink) | |
Future Bureaucrat
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I don't know Red Lemon, I'm not so sure having a third party sexual relationship is necessarily beneficial to Hulk...
While I am a major proponent of 'Working Things Out' she crossed a line, then, after breaking Hulk's heart by dropping a C-bomb, still goes over to her paramours house since her boyfriend, who's recovering from a major medical condition "is a bad lay." And now she proposes staying together while she fucks a stranger? I think the situation's toxic all around. Look Hulk, I think you should seriously talk to her--that this is not something you are not willing to tolerate and will leave her unless she cuts off the behavior. (Unless of course you are okay with the proposed arrangement, then ignore all this, but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like something you are happy with). In addition, I feel like the arrangement she's suggesting makes you the equivalent of a doormat. Before I go all divorce lawyer on you, you can probably try speaking with her, telling her you love her, that you appreciate her being around while you recover from your illness, but that her actions cannot happen in your relationship. /Rant ---------- Post added at 01:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:00 PM ---------- .....in the alternative... Who pays the mortgage and who holds title to the home? How is the home titled?
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Last edited by KirStang; 03-03-2011 at 10:06 AM.. |
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03-07-2011, 02:25 PM | #37 (permalink) |
Upright
Location: MD
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While she is head over heals for this other guy - get her to move out.
Let her fall for him, get your stuff and get out for now. Its your best chance of her not wanting to take anything of yours at the moment. Is she on the loan or just deed? If its just the deed, you can get her off for next to $200.00. If its the loan, then you need to get a loan on your own to get her off. After you get her out and hopefully keep most (if not all) your stuff, then try to work it out from that point - if you still want to that is. Sorry this is happening to you. |
03-15-2011, 09:43 AM | #38 (permalink) | |
Insane
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Quote:
__________________
0PtIcAl |
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03-16-2011, 04:02 PM | #40 (permalink) |
Extreme moderation
Location: Kansas City, yo.
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Why do people say this? It's one of the most ridiculous expressions I've ever heard.
__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck) |
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cheated, love |
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