kacilinden

I met my current boyfriend online while he was deployed to Iraq. I hated talking on the phone, so we at first we communicated only through facebook (for about 6 months) and later to texting. In December, I agreed for him to drive and come see me, I backed out the day before. He told me if I wanted him to come see me, I would have to call him. So, on Christmas Day i called him and we talked on the phone everyday from then on. On January 10th, he drove to see me and that night we "became official". He lives in North Carolina, about 500 miles away. He drives down every weekend possible, which is at least every other weekend.

Now that you have the background information, I go to college at the second biggest party school in Georgia, it is my second year here. I have almost all guy friends. The girl friends I do have all have boyfriends that go here, so they are not around much. Anyways, my boyfriend has been married before and his ex-wife cheated on him with 20 guys while he was in iraq. He knows I won't cheat on him, and says he trusts me, but not other people, even though they are my friends. I tell him (basically ask permission) whenever I go anywhere, I tell him where I am, who i'm with, what i'm doing, I even call and text him the whole time, and told him i didnt mind at all if he called me whenever he wanted to. Anytime I want to go somewhere he tells me he doesn't like it but to go anyway, because he has to get over it. However, EVERY SINGLE TIME, we end in an argument, about how I'm out with other dudes and that's not right, I end up crying, and just going home early with a ruined night.It's far worse if he knows I'm drinking. He goes out almost every night drinking with his marine friends, and I don't mind at all. But "it's okay because he is with guy friends". i even told him I wouldnt mind if he hung out with girls because i trust him 100%.

I need tips on resolving this issue, not to hear that I need to leave him. We are getting married after his next deployment. PLEASE HELP!!!

Plan9

You don't want to hear it? Too bad, lady. Some of us have seen this type of crap before. Some of us have lived it.

I'm practically a subject matter expert in this type of situation given my legendary personal experience.

PLEASE SWEET JEEBUS... ditch this dude as soon as possible. Give him a call and tell him you can't live like this anymore.

Don't be stupid and get married to this overprotective stalker psycho. It'll only get worse when he "owns you." Think about it.

Correct me if I'm wrong but your situation will be: Recently married + jealousy + long distance + deployments. And that equals epic fail.

...

A real solution?

He gets out of the military tomorrow and you move in together or you quit school and move up to Marineland to become his mediocre trophy wife.

You have two more years of school? And he's got how many years left as a digital-camo'd caveman?

Sorry. I know how this'll end.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

kacilinden

This is the plan. I'm gonna live with him for 3 months over the summer, then go to school back home in August, he gets deployed in September, he gets back in May when I'm finishing school. We get engaged. He gets restationed in Missouri and we move in together there.

Plan9

Well, the good news is that he can't harass you with texts while he's deployed.

Please consider his behavior now as a warning sign of what is in your future.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Redjake

To be honest, I would be jealous too. If you are going out with guy friends getting drunk, what is he supposed to think?

The reason he is jealous is as simple as this: the guys you hang out with, unless every one of them is gay, would fuck you sideways on a moment's notice. The only reason they are truly hanging out with you is because they want to have sex with you. Everything else comes in second place.

Here's a When Harry Met Sally quote that explains it perfectly:

Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.


Your boyfriend is jealous because the guys you hang out with want to get in your pants! Either break it off or stop hanging out with them.

__________________
Off the record, on the q.t., and very hush-hush.

kacilinden

I've told him before that i'm not gonna do this. I even told him he had to be okay with me hanging out with guys or it was over and he said he's not making that decision. It takes two people to have sex, and as long as I'm not cheating, why is it a problem I hang out with guys. So I'm supposed to drop all my friends because i have boyfriend? That's what all my girl friends did to me and the reason i'm forced to hang out with guys.

ColonelSpecial

You aren't supposed to drop all of your male friends because you have a boyfriend but it sounds like you could be forced to drop them all because you have this boyfriend. I don't totally agree that men and women can't be platonic friends. Attraction happens but can be dealt with in a way that allows you to have friends and a boyfriend.

The problem lies with this man you are dating. He is already controlling where you go and you are giving him up to the minute details. He is now trapping you mentally by saying "I don't want you to go, but go because I need to get over it" which says to me "go but know that I am not happy and I know you want me to be happy". His behavior isn't likely to change. Living with him might take away the freedom you have right now. I would suggest either limit time with him until he fully accepts your friends or leave him. This shouldn't be an either/or choice.

__________________
"Mommy, the presidents are squishing me!"

"Using the pull out method of contraceptive is like saying I won't use a seat belt, I'll just jump out of the car before it hits that tree."

Sara

kacilinden

Another thing is, he guilts me when I go out. The last time I went out, everytime he called and started arguing about it. i would say I'm not dealing with this tonight, I will call you in a little bit, and he says, I really wanted to talk to you tonight, but you don't care, blah, blah. and he actually ended up driving the 500 miles to come see me.

lostgirl

I need to check myself.

Manic_Skafe

It's not that every guys is actively looking to sleep with their female friends. It's just that most of us wouldn't turn down the opportunity if it presented itself. Whether she has a boyfriend or not - most guys wouldn't pass it up.

I don't believe in trust. You can only judge a person by what they've done and so far this guy hasn't given you any reason to believe that marriage to him would be anything but hell.

Get out while you can.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Baraka_Guru

Okay, stop it right there.

This isn't something you should take lightly, especially knowing what you know.

Guilt is the prime weapon used in emotional abuse.

You've just told us he's trying to manipulate you into a certain pattern of behaviour--one that would benefit him and would make your life suck.

It goes downhill from there.

He has deep issues regarding his previous relationship. We can understand that. But don't let him drag you down with him.

It isn't worth it.

Ask yourself this: Would you be better off without him? Does he make you a better person?

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Bear Cub

Cromp pretty much nailed it. Long distance relationships are nearly impossible to make work right when everything is going perfectly. He's the jealous type, you're the party type, and the only reason you're together right now is because he has control over you and knows he can get away with it.

Break it off, and it will be waaay better for the both of you. Why as a college sophomore at a party school you're even thinking about getting engaged to someone in a failing relationship is beyond me.

__________________
Living in the United Socialist States of America.

snowy

We have a winner.

A healthy long-term relationship cannot be built on guilt and manipulation. Period.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Cynthetiq

Start over with someone else.

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kacilinden

To answer your two questions:

I wouldn't be better off without him, I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I did before him.
I am the person with him as I was without him.

highdro69

Maybe the trashy guys you are friends with or hang out with or are. Don't lump normal and decent guys into this pathetic excuse of a category. I have many female friends, and though they are attractive, they are my friends, and I don't even view them as sexual beings. I am friends with them because of the same reason I am friends with my male friends; we share common interests and enjoy each others' company.


Don't you think there's maybe a reason his former wife cheated on him? Whether it be to get revenge for him being such a piece of trash, or because she felt free from his control when he was deployed, he obviously is not marriage material. Furthermore, judging from his deployment and enlistment record you are alluding to, he is at least five years older than you. Now normally, I'd say no biggie, but considering you are a sophomore in college, and he's been around the world, anyone with common sense would see the red flags there.
That's cool that you're in love, everyone falls in love. But, for the most part, you're not going to have a happy marriage if you force and guilt yourself into marrying your first true love.
I think women such as yourself who find themselves addicted to an abusive relationship need counseling. Make no mistake, you are being emotionally abused. You said you end up crying every time you go out because of him. That is abuse, through and through. There's something wrong with a person who feels they should be guilted and abused.
It's not your fault that you are attracted to an abusive relationship, however it is ENTIRELY your fault if you do not seek help and try to break that bad and harmful habit.

__________________
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

kacilinden

He is only 3 years older than me. She wanted to divorce him, because he re-enlisted and hated the marine wife life. Also, my dad had a divorce and has been married to my mom for 27 years.
He is not my first true love. And I don't WANT to be guilted or abused, that makes no sense.

Anonymous Member

So, what's that make ya?

Here's the deal: Listen To Crompsin.

All my friends except two are men. It took me almost 30 YEARS to make my spouse understand that that is the way it is. He has laid down all kinds of threats-some of which he followed through on-and all kinds of ultimatums.
He wanted me to drop friends or drop going off to see them.
I didn't. We fought, we grew apart and that's where we remain.

If you have to change yourself to be what someone else want you to be, you will lose your soul, your essence.
If you think you wouldn't be better off without him and he makes you cry, what the hell were you before?

kacilinden

When I confront him about controling me and stuff, he says everything is always about me...how do i respond to that?

ASU2003

If you want the relationship to work, you will probably have to change a little. If it is worth it, stop going out and drinking with others until next May. You found someone who was hurt before, and it's understandable that he doesn't want to be hurt again.

He might not be jalusand controlling if you didn't test his boundries.

---------- Post added at 08:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:53 PM ----------

If you want the relationship to work, you will probably have to change a little. If it is worth it, stop going out and drinking with others until next May. You found someone who was hurt before, and it's understandable that he doesn't want to be hurt again.

He might not be as jelouus and controlling if you didn't test his boundries.

Plan9

Being hurt before isn't a license to be an asshole. I should know.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

kacilinden

He's threatening me to make a decision to where if i hang out with guys he will not come see me, but he is not breaking up with me.

ngdawg

That's a sure sign of a controlling personality. Put the question back to the person who asked it as if they're at fault.

Your answer: "No, it's about YOU trying to control the life of another adult. Why do you do that?"
When asking a controller/manipulator any question, it's important to phrase it so they can't toss it back with such dumb remarks. When it's about them, they have to answer, even if it's a stupid answer.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Sue

I am 100% behind Crompsin on this one. I was looking at your profile, wondering how young you are. What I can tell, which you don't seem to be listening to, is that you are going down the wrong road.

I too thought that the guy I was with before my current bf was the only one for me, and I would never get over him. He did almost the same things as your guy is doing. Guilting me over going out. Whining (literally) when I wanted to go because he couldn't (long story behind that). Calling me all the time wondering what I'm doing. I put up with that for 6 years, until one day in our relationship, he broke up with me, having felt "a certain way for a couple of months now."

So what did I do? Realized how happy I was, said see ya never again, and moved back home to Florida in 2004.

I went BACK to school, and during that time, I met a Marine. Granted, we had a long distance relationship for a while. I'm fortunate in that he has his head on straight. Went through one deployment with him in 2006. 2007, I moved to CO to be closer to him. He was discharged July that year, and we've been great ever since.

This controlling stuff has got to either end by YOU ending it altogether, or somehow, if he knows what he's doing, get himself some help to "get over it." Otherwise, even with your plans for school, living together in the summer, engagement... it will all be for nothing.

Seriously take some to think through about what you're planning. I have a bad feeling about this for you.

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

dippin

As anonymous people on an internet message board, there is very little we can do to help you.

We certainly can't make him stop being so jealous. And we certainly don't have any advice on how you could make him be less jealous. In any case, given how often you've discussed this with him, it seems like he is unwilling to change.

So we can only advise you on things that you can do given that he is that way, and unfortunately there is no relationship magic we can come up with. Your choices are essentially two: put up with it or don't put up with it.

Now, if you do decide to put up with it, let me tell you a few things you should know. First, jealousy doesnt go away over time. If you decide to stay with him, do so because you can put up with it, not because you hope someday he will change. Second, jealousy doesnt go away once you are married. In fact, it can potentially increase. Don't go thinking that marriage is enough of a display of affection that people stop being jealous. It tends to makes things worse, as he might see you as his possession, and all of the sudden even business lunches with other men are out of the question.

Third, I was in a long distance relationship with my wife for 2 years before we moved in together. Long distance relationships are hard, but it is a lot harder moving in together. For all the frustrations of being apart, you only deal with that person in limited situations where you make time to fully be with each other, and little quirks and habits don't matter much. It is very hard going from romantic meetings every other week to the daily grind of bills, stress, jobs, and lifted toilet seats. All of the sudden your relationship is not just about longing to be together, but managing your personal space, your responsibilities, your fights, etc.

Right now, he tries to manipulate you, you get into a fight, you hang up and you go out with your friends. When you are living together, there is no hanging up, there is no going out, there is no automatic space. You are there with him and you need to figure it all out.

If you are having problems having your space and your own relationships and friendships now, 500 miles apart, that will only become a lot more intense once you are under the same roof.

It is very easy, as someone who is young, independent and has a lot of space and time to yourself, to underestimate how important those things are to you right now. Once you are with him full time, you will have to give up a lot of that. Are you willing to give up as much as he wants you to give up, not only right now, but down the road? The fact that you are bothered enough by it right now to seek help is a good indication of the answer.

So yeah, basically listen to Cromspin.

ngdawg

Of course he won't dump you-he's got you just about ready to get in the cage. He'll be able to manipulate and not lose anything.
People that threaten do so thinking the other will give in so that the threat isn't carried out, but guess what....another threat will come along...and another....
You won't have any friends, because when the guys are gone, the girlfriends will be the next thing to go. Once they go, your family will be next.
Trust me...btdt and it's going on now in my family as we speak.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

highdro69

It's clear at this point you don't really want to listen to advice, you just want to vent, feigning advice-seeking, so you can justify to yourself that "you tried."

__________________
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Plan9

Good thing we refuse to be candy-coated.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Sue

---------- Post added at 07:19 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:16 PM ----------


Unfortunately that IS what you're going to hear. It seems to be either that, or he gets some help, but you can't make him do it. So if he won't do it... then you're going to be utterly, completely miserable.

Or...you can find someone better suited for you, who has their head on straight, who doesn't mind you going out and vice versa. That seems a bit more on the healthy side if you ask me.

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

ASU2003

Same thing as above.

Sue

ASU, you already posted that.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...ml#post2602022

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

ASU2003

Stupid computer/internet issues. Sorry.

Mirth

I don't want to turn this thread around to me, but, if any of you have read my thread, I'm in a long distance relationship (never been in any relationship before, though; also still haven't met her though, not until April). Well, we broke up because I got jealous of her hanging out with guy friend that she wasn't interested in. He made a move, she backed off, but she knew that this guy was in love with her, so I don't know why she went out to dinner with him. Then we got back together, she went out with a guy friend who she has a crush on, he kissed her on the lips but she didnt kiss back because she was unsure of what I'd think. I got jealous, again, and we broke up again. Now we're back together, it's my last chance she said.

Like, I feel normal for me to be jealous, because she has a lot of guy friends, and I don't mind guy friends, but I know what guys do, and the two times she hung out with guys they both made moves on her... And with a crush, I mean, that's like a dream come true...

How can I work on my jealousy? I'd really like to make this work with her, cause I know when she moves here she'd be dedicated to me, and I don't think I'd worry... But I've never been in a relationship before, so I don't know if I would be jealous...

kacilinden

One of the reasons I'm living with him over the summer, is to see if things will be better when we are together, and to "test" it out before we officially move in together when he gets back from afghanistan.

---------- Post added at 07:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:50 PM ----------

Knowing she didn't do anything with two guys that made moves toward her, should give you enough proof that you can trust her. I feel like it's okay to hang out with guys every once in while, I don't do it near as much as I used to. Each person in a relationship needs their own life and interests as well as the one's they share with their partner. It's human nature to crave interaction with humans. Girls are friends with guys for the same reason they are their girl friends, they share the same interests and enjoy each other's company.

*Nikki*

This guy has issues.

You have issues.

You don't belong together.

You both need to be single and sort out why you act the way you do and let others treat you badly.

kacilinden

What issues do I have, so I can work on them.

ngdawg

You want the whole list?
1) You allow yourself to be manipulated
2) You think jealousy is cool, apparently
3) You're an enabler. You let him push your buttons, then complain that he's doing it.
4) You're a dreamer. "It'll be different when he's back. We're going to have a trial run" is basically what you're saying.
5) You don't want to hear the negatives because of the above. Pollyanna syndrome.
6) You think if you keep doing what you're doing, HE'LL change. That's not reality. You're playing chess and seeing who checkmates.
7) You are banking on something that is less than two months old with about a total of 13 days together. He is taking total control of your life-after 13 days together and you think you're "in love".

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

kacilinden

And it's not that easy to just break up with him, I'm kind of financially dependent on him. He buys me groceries and gas, and pays my credit card, because my parents can't afford all of that, and me going to college. IM NOT A GOLD DIGGER!!

snowy

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You should NEVER be dependent on a guy to pay your bills. EVER. If you can't pay your own damn bills, you need to figure out something else (get a job, go to community college, apply for financial aid, get work-study). He should NOT be paying your credit card--why is he paying your credit card? Why do you have a credit card that needs to be paid? Why are you dependent on him for groceries?

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

ngdawg

And why is he doing this after less than 2 months of knowing each other?

Put that on the list too: Allows money to rule her heart.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.