Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Long Distance Jealous Boyfriend, HELP ME!

dippin · 02-27-2009, 06:06 PM

As anonymous people on an internet message board, there is very little we can do to help you.

We certainly can't make him stop being so jealous. And we certainly don't have any advice on how you could make him be less jealous. In any case, given how often you've discussed this with him, it seems like he is unwilling to change.

So we can only advise you on things that you can do given that he is that way, and unfortunately there is no relationship magic we can come up with. Your choices are essentially two: put up with it or don't put up with it.

Now, if you do decide to put up with it, let me tell you a few things you should know. First, jealousy doesnt go away over time. If you decide to stay with him, do so because you can put up with it, not because you hope someday he will change. Second, jealousy doesnt go away once you are married. In fact, it can potentially increase. Don't go thinking that marriage is enough of a display of affection that people stop being jealous. It tends to makes things worse, as he might see you as his possession, and all of the sudden even business lunches with other men are out of the question.

Third, I was in a long distance relationship with my wife for 2 years before we moved in together. Long distance relationships are hard, but it is a lot harder moving in together. For all the frustrations of being apart, you only deal with that person in limited situations where you make time to fully be with each other, and little quirks and habits don't matter much. It is very hard going from romantic meetings every other week to the daily grind of bills, stress, jobs, and lifted toilet seats. All of the sudden your relationship is not just about longing to be together, but managing your personal space, your responsibilities, your fights, etc.

Right now, he tries to manipulate you, you get into a fight, you hang up and you go out with your friends. When you are living together, there is no hanging up, there is no going out, there is no automatic space. You are there with him and you need to figure it all out.

If you are having problems having your space and your own relationships and friendships now, 500 miles apart, that will only become a lot more intense once you are under the same roof.

It is very easy, as someone who is young, independent and has a lot of space and time to yourself, to underestimate how important those things are to you right now. Once you are with him full time, you will have to give up a lot of that. Are you willing to give up as much as he wants you to give up, not only right now, but down the road? The fact that you are bothered enough by it right now to seek help is a good indication of the answer.

So yeah, basically listen to Cromspin.

02-27-2009, 06:06 PM	#25 (permalink)
dippin Crazy, indeed Location: the ether	As anonymous people on an internet message board, there is very little we can do to help you. We certainly can't make him stop being so jealous. And we certainly don't have any advice on how you could make him be less jealous. In any case, given how often you've discussed this with him, it seems like he is unwilling to change. So we can only advise you on things that you can do given that he is that way, and unfortunately there is no relationship magic we can come up with. Your choices are essentially two: put up with it or don't put up with it. Now, if you do decide to put up with it, let me tell you a few things you should know. First, jealousy doesnt go away over time. If you decide to stay with him, do so because you can put up with it, not because you hope someday he will change. Second, jealousy doesnt go away once you are married. In fact, it can potentially increase. Don't go thinking that marriage is enough of a display of affection that people stop being jealous. It tends to makes things worse, as he might see you as his possession, and all of the sudden even business lunches with other men are out of the question. Third, I was in a long distance relationship with my wife for 2 years before we moved in together. Long distance relationships are hard, but it is a lot harder moving in together. For all the frustrations of being apart, you only deal with that person in limited situations where you make time to fully be with each other, and little quirks and habits don't matter much. It is very hard going from romantic meetings every other week to the daily grind of bills, stress, jobs, and lifted toilet seats. All of the sudden your relationship is not just about longing to be together, but managing your personal space, your responsibilities, your fights, etc. Right now, he tries to manipulate you, you get into a fight, you hang up and you go out with your friends. When you are living together, there is no hanging up, there is no going out, there is no automatic space. You are there with him and you need to figure it all out. If you are having problems having your space and your own relationships and friendships now, 500 miles apart, that will only become a lot more intense once you are under the same roof. It is very easy, as someone who is young, independent and has a lot of space and time to yourself, to underestimate how important those things are to you right now. Once you are with him full time, you will have to give up a lot of that. Are you willing to give up as much as he wants you to give up, not only right now, but down the road? The fact that you are bothered enough by it right now to seek help is a good indication of the answer. So yeah, basically listen to Cromspin.