Halx

Write a couple paragraphs about what somebody would notice or feel if they had to live a day in your shoes. This is your chance to help people see the world through your eyes. I'll begin.

First of all, I live mostly inside my head. While I move around the world, I am focused inwardly. Some call it narcissism, but it is actually just being overly self-conscious. Instead of feeling "there" where ever I am, I actually feel like an invisible observer. Even if I were to dress up nicely, I equate it to driving around in the nice car... people are looking at the car and not the person inside it.

Next comes self-expectations. Growing up and being complimented on how bright I was every step of the way, I replay in my head a list of things that I expected out of myself by my age (26 in a week). Why don't I own a successful business? Why am I not rich? Why am I not smart anymore? Why, after all this time, am I only where I am? These are the thoughts that drive me, actually.

As you might imagine, I put myself under a lot of personal stress. I am the king of burnout in that respect. All the energy I put into my thoughts leaves very little for me to actually participate in real activity. I'm lazy and disorganized... sloppy at times. I find little time to care about things unless they will help me with my obsession of meeting my own expectations.

Hmm. Being a little too stark. I hope whoever goes next is a little more positive about themselves.

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You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

Poppinjay

Who would boast themselves as a really great person? Even Superman has had his doubts. And then there's kryptonite.

What it's like to be me. Low tolerance for those not like me, too self indulgent, doesn't work up to potential, kind of idling until the right thing comes along.

I don't take compliments well, I don't act out of kindness often enough. I observe everything. That's what I do more than anything. I'd make a decent anthropoligist.

I think it was Franklin Pierce who was said to be neither a leader or follower, just a quiet presence. He was a terrible president, and that's why I'm not asking for your vote November 4th.

According to tests, I'm bright, with language skills in the top 3%. Also an INTJ.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

skizziks

People see me as gregarious and extroverted and really happy. This is overcompensation for loneliness and a feeling of not fitting in. I attract people with problems, they come to me because I appear strong and like I know what I'm doing and like I have my shit together. While I'm not a basket case, and I am pretty damn funny and creative, I'm also pretty lonely. I'm the guy at the party everyone likes to talk to, I fit in with all the different cliques, and then when the party is over and everyone leaves, I'm alone. They all think I'm with another group or I went to another party.

Sorry I wasn't positive about myself, I know me, I'm not impressed.

Spartanx9

Hm for me its kinda interesting.

I got friends who have told me that I'm a true friend. I guess that is cause friends tend to mean a whole lot to me, a lot more than my family (huge history thing that I rather not share in the open. Hopefully it will change if I get married). They are more of my family than my family is, and whether it is just messing around with them, gaming, or if they are in the shit and need to just vent, I'm most of the time there for them.

Of course, I do have my own share of problems, I'm not what everyone thinks of me. I'm not some genius with computers or such, I'm just an average college kid with some slight memory and awareness problems, with a moderate tech knowledge.

I tend to focus on other people's lives cause I don't usually find mine to be all that fascinating. I guess its what makes me a good listener, cause I always enjoy to know where people have been and what their life has been like. Because I'm so interested, I tend to not judge anyone, cause it isn't fair from my perspective to go on about how one's life has been, either good or bad, and then make a judgment about them. Its always been who they are now rather than who they were to me.

snowy

My days consist of long lazy moments interspersed with flurries of activity. I like to jam as much of the unpleasant "doing" into as little time as possible so I can sit back and enjoy browsing the Internet, writing, or reading a book with a clear conscience. Unpleasant doing would be chores, laundry, errands I don't want to do, things of that ilk.

I like to go out alone. I like people watching. I "compose my own critical notices in my head", as Jarvis Cocker would say, while I'm out and about. I also like putting on my iPod and imagining music videos or stories to go along with the music. I often sit still and run off hand in hand with my imagination.

Generally, it's pleasant to be me. But it's also anxiety inducing. I am a very anxious person. I come across as very self-assured and confident, but it's all an act. People laugh at me when I tell them this, but it's true--I am incredibly shy on the inside. Even my best friend doesn't believe me. My SO does, because he's seen me anxious and self-doubting. The worst of the social anxiety happens after the gatherings, where I play back over what happened, over and over, and dwell on the tiniest of mistakes I might have made, until my stomach hurts. I've managed to get this under control within the last year or so.

I seem like I've got my shit together, but inside it's all a jumble. It's okay. I'm dealing with it. And that leads me to another point. I don't like to be too busy. When I'm too busy, working too much, doing too much, life starts to seem like a pointless march of one foot in front of the other. I am avoiding that march. So far I have been successful.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

lotsofmagnets

i can´t answer this really in any other way than a direct answer to the question: sometimes shit, sometimes fucken´ awesome i guess you just had to be there

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

Willravel

A nice way to do this might be to start with a summarization of my day.

Up by 6 and at the gym by 6:15. Exercising is a zen activity for me. It's about centering myself, bringing the day in to focus. I usually get home by 7:45ish and do a quick rinse shower. I don't like using soap in the morning because I tend to have dry skin. I usually make my bed and straighten things up as I get dried off and dressed. I even sneak in a peak at TFP when I get the chance. I try to get the kettle going by 8:15 so I can have hot tea by 8:25. As the water heats up, I generally just toss nuts and fruit on a plate. I used to eat oatmeal, but I find it's a lot nicer just to pick on the spot what I feel like eating. This morning it was surprisingly fresh concord grapes, an orange, some bran crackers and some jack cheese. I turn on the news and various blogs and chow down. I brush, put some schmutz in my hair and put Jack in the back yard with some food, water, and a toy. Ch'i usually comes over to play with Jack, and I've also got neighbor kids that regularly wander into my back yard, too (though they're back in school now).

If I have time, I jump on the light rail to get to work. If I don't have time, I just jump in the car.

Work is straight forward. My position has shifted from "maverick" to more manager now, which means I'm responsible for all day to day planning as well as longer strategies. I'm fortunate in that in my work no two days are alike. I work with some very talented and capable people, and I enjoy earning their respect. Work has always been something I work to be proud of. I want what I do to help, and I want to do a good job at it.

I generally get home at around 2, as most of my job after 2 is on the phone or skype. Some times I will be on personal or professional errands. I have to check in with suppliers several times a month.

In the evening, I like to have friends/family over. I've been looking after my grandmother, who's just had surgery. She's still surprisingly lively for an octogenarian. I think I've finally convinced her that John McCain is nuts, which is quite an accomplishment.

I jump back and fourth between humble and narcissistic. Like Halx, I live inside my head a great deal. The person I talk to the most is me. I also have a really big self-sacrificing streak, which stems from self esteem issues that came from my eating disorder. My eating disorder surprisingly defines some of who I am. My exercise, my diet, and of my personal security come from my constant battle with an unhealthy relationship with food and self image.

I also have an odd relationship with my inner serial monogamist. I was extremely promiscuous from a young age until my engagement. When my relationship with her fell apart, mostly due to her wanting to try and make it work with the biological father of her daughter, I really had to step back and figure out what I wanted. It may have even seeded some trust issues deep inside my head. My relationships since then have not been bad, but I've not had the spark since then. Knowing the spark and losing it is immeasurably difficult to deal with.

Oh, and I love reading and listening to music.

Halx

So what you're saying is that you're a conglomeration of your rituals?

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You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

Willravel

Not just my rituals, but it's a part of me, yes.

abaya

Mostly confident
Spoiling for a fight--drawn to confrontation
Always critical
Attempts to empathize
Longing for the outdoors
Used to being solitary (but not always liking it)
Looking for any reason to escape unpleasant tasks
Desire to be challenged, and to pass with flying colors
Insatiable curiosity about other people's decisions and thought processes
Longing for belief in something greater than myself
Intense and intentional--all or nothing
Extremely stressed by speaking my 2nd and 3rd languages (especially on the phone)
Anxious at gatherings of more than 2-3 people
Nervous around children
Addicted to the internet
Daily need for cuddling and laughter and in-depth discussion
I can take a nap anywhere, anytime
Crave falling asleep with a novel in my hands
Always look forward to being with my husband

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Glory's Sun

most people couldn't handle the extreme awesomeness of my life.

Halx

Try us..

__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

Glory's Sun

I guess I forgot to put the sarcasm title in my post..

lotsofmagnets

i saw will´s post the other way around, that his rituals simply were the outward symbol of his self.

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

Halx

I think what you forgot was to actually post.

__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

Willravel

Oh, I like that!

Meditrina

Another post that I am compelled to reply to. I stressed over what to write, what I wanted everyone to see... the rest will be in my journal.

If someone were to live a day in my shoes, with my thoughts, they would see that everything I do is for my family. I wake up early, and get myself ready before they are awake, so that I can be able to help them get ready for the day. I work so I can provide them the necessities of life and more. After work, I am all theirs again. Helping with homework, cooking/cleaning up dinner, playing with them until bedtime. Even at bedtime, I am still there for them. Helping them both feel comfortable enough to fall asleep without me in the room takes a lot of out of me, and then I am done for the day. Small amount of time for me before crashing for the night. I don't sleep through the night, for one reason or another, then it's morning time and time to start it all over again.

__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

mixedsubstance

I am very friendly, I tend to be shy at first, but once you get to know me I can be a fireball. And I can turn into a bitch in no time flat if you rub me the wrong way. I am a mom, so that tends to show in my personality. My son is my #1 priority, so it's hard not to have that Mom mentality or to not have him on my mind. I'm a low-key person, I like to have fun and get stir-crazy really quickly, but I put responsibility first. Some can see me as uptight, but a lot of people I know are younger than me and don't have kids, so it's hard for them to see where I'm coming from. I LOVE laughing and sarcasm, but if you start talking Philosophy/Spirituality, my ears and voice are eagar to pitch in. I am a definite dreamer, but I don't make quick irrational decisions, I have to think of all the possibilities, other options, and any consequences before taking step forward. The only time I can be impulsive is when I shop- but even at that, I tend to procrastinate.

__________________
Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?!?

*Without energy, there would be nothing.*

curiousbear

It totally depends who that someone is. I have a beautiful wife, amazing career, interesting job, sophisticated home, a car, handful of freinds/family whom I can trust 100%. So someone who knows the value of all these or dont have these will definitely find my life to be fantastic.

But if that someone knows what a life is to live, with self-esteem, dignity, respect, self-gratitude, hope, ambitions and passion. he will be miserable. Because I suffer from lack of all this.

I eat very good food. I exercise less frequent. I dont sleep that well. I get lot of disturbing dreams. I fuss a lot. I make my better-half feel so bad at times. I am so fragile and delicate and erratic. I am not predictable.

But in spite of all of it I am dependable, trustworthy and easy to support (needs are few, dont demand to much).

Sorry I am not sure whether I answered...

World's King

You remember that scene in 'Scanners' when that dude's head explodes...


It's kind of like that.



What is it like to be me? It's a series of ups and downs. Mostly forgotten about. Strange thoughts drown in a mix of cigarettes and alcohol. Driven to get out of bed in the morning by a passion for good food and female flesh. Which are one in the same.

I'll get back to you on this...

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

Supple Cow

I try to do a lot with very little. My apartment is cozy, but spartan when it comes to comforts. My walls and most flat surfaces serve as shrines to the people and things I love (including myself), but they double as places where my stuff (like mail and schoolwork and magazines articles waiting to be mailed to friends) sometimes piles up until I have more time to cull thoughtfully. More comfort-driven people would find my apartment (and my life) very hard and confusing. They might not understand the things I choose to keep or spend my money on versus the other things that are more typical, which I forego. For example, I bought myself a dangerous, difficult-to-ride $300 bike in April, blowing almost half a month's rent, but when my front porch bulb went out several months ago I decided it was fine to come home to a dark porch. (I finally changed the bulb on Saturday so that we could grill outside for my birthday party.) I almost never go to the movies because I don't care about things I don't know I missed and I don't have cable television to tell me what I'm missing. But I bought a snowboard that leans against one of the few open spaces on my walls for most of the year. I rode it twice this year and will probably do no more next year. It is worth it; movies and television are not.

I'm also very extreme in my thoughts and feelings, but not in the way one might expect. A lot of the thoughts I keep to myself are very severe. I judge people harshly because I hold myself to high standards. But I never force my expectations on others unless they have in some way made a commitment to me or to something that affects me directly, so most people never find this out about me. At the same time, the people who do understand my severity would be surprised to see how much beauty I see in the world, from the tiniest of things to the big picture. I like to put things in perspective as often as I can afford to, and I like to feel hopeful and as if I can do anything. (This is not hard for me on most days.)

A lot of the things I find easy seem to be very hard for most other people, but I think this is because I have built up a habit of expecting things to be impossibly hard and for me to be able to do them anyway. I also have a less established habit of doing things that are hard for me, or that I'm clumsy at, not just in spite of my difficulties but because of them. I spend a lot of my energy trying to get that habit further ingrained in myself. I spend about an equal amount of energy optimizing the pace of my life. While I actively seek out challenging things, I also look for the path of least resistance so that I can do as many hard things as I can squeeze into my time here rather than waste lots of time fighting for something that really isn't worth the time compared to the dozen other things I could have accomplished in that time. Then at the end of each day, I try to forgive myself for not being perfect at that last part. I often remind myself that I'm not sorry I spent a few years of my life stubbornly spinning my wheels when I should have moved on because once upon a time there was a me who could never get past that kind of regret. It becomes truer every day, and it's part of what lets me see so much beauty in life.

I still struggle with all of the usual stuff - stress, strained relationships with family or friends, etc. - but I relish the hard times for they are every bit a part of this one-time happening that is my life as the good times are. And then I think to myself, BOO-YA. Not everybody is at peace with this kind of stuff. Way to be. (Because who else is going to pat me on the back?)

__________________
"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
(Michael Jordan)

ngdawg

Up until my 40's I thought I was the fly on the wall. I went through my days, through my emotions and didn't think anyone noticed or cared. I held shit jobs, mostly in accounting, which is ironic since I can't add for shit. My only interest was being the best mom I could be.
Then, in a tourist trap city on the other side of the northern border, among hundreds of strangers gathered for the same reason, someone took notice and it literally changed my life for the better.I was taught that my fears are internal and self-defeating. I learned that I had value to not just my family but to everyone I touched, but at the same time, that value had to come from me, not from anyone else.
With their push, not just encouragement, but a major push, I went to school. I learned a lot about myself those two years. I became selfish, but, I think, in a good way.

My days are mundane, but I do what I love. I work in a casual atmosphere but everything must be first rate.
I have fantastic kids. They are talented beyond my wildest dreams, smart and kind and most important, independent thinkers.
As a teenager, I couldn't get a date if I paid for one; now I have people in my life who love me unconditionally and wholly.

What's it like to be me? If I take others' visions into consideration, I am funny, self-deprecating and defensive. I am flaky but not stupid; my mind either goes in 4 directions at once or bugs out. I am negatively narcissistic-I see the worst in my physical being and question what it is these men in my life see that I can't. I eat like a 13 year old and smoke like a chimney, yet I am overly healthy for someone my age and don't even have a gray hair on my head yet. I do what I love to do, even if it's selfish, because I am too aware that there are no second chances.
I'm a slob about my things, fastidious about my own cleanliness. I wear clothes that don't fit because I'm too cheap and hate to shop. Give me money and I'd rather spend it on gadgets than clothes.

shesus

Today is a much better place to be in me than any previous time in my life.

My life is a complete jumble of everything, but more manageable than ever. If you jumped in right now, you would not be sure what to do or where to go. It just takes a bit to get orientated. But if you have ever done double-dutch, you'd get in the groove quickly.

You would be learning to use gifts and talents that have long been unused, exercising the mind with novels and Mensa crosswords, and living an unstructured, laid back lifestyle transitioning from traditional to Bohemian.

Even though money is unstable, dreams are being followed and the path is twisting. The feeling of being in this new place is so incredible, you would wonder why you hadn't done this years before. In fact, the past, though only a couple months old, is so far removed, it is difficult to remember why that life was lived for so long. Everything you have known has changed, traditions are broken, and a new life is being formed.

Upon entering my life, you would feel loved. A love that surpasses anything you've felt before. A solid love that was gained through struggles, tears, heartbreak, and acceptance.

You would be dealing with some anxiety with a twist of peace which leaves a strange sense of being. The anxiety would be recognized, but not entertained. You understand the risks and the joys and take life as it comes. With the past behind you, you realize that things work out in the end.

Many people know your name and smile when they see you approaching. You will feel at ease and calm in your surroundings.

Overall, you would be smiling because although everything is spinning and changing, you would feel comfort as if a fuzzy, warm blanket were engulfing you.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

dc_dux

I would have to say its pretty damn good.

Personal life at a steady high level with only minor blips now and then, family and friends who support me as much as I support them when needed, financially secure (at least as much as most in the current state of affairs). Professionally, I've achieved most, but not all. of the goals I've set and I'm rolling out a new national program this month that hopefully will benefit millions.

I still want that West Wing job...but I know its a pipe dream.

And its Ok to pat yourself on the back every now and then.

__________________
"The perfect is the enemy of the good."
~ Voltaire

Poppinjay

Can I say this is a great thread?

It's approaching my favorite reads.

We are all the sum of our parts, and none of it is predictable. You are what I am. We are all that. Welcome to the club brother.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

nerfgangsta

to be me would make you feel happy. you would love your job and see each day as an oppertunity to help and do good things. youd have love in your heart even tho your not in love with someone. people enjoy your company, you make them laugh. many girls dont notice you and when a girl does notice you you don't notice it. youve had crushes but are happy they have moved on and are happy. you have no interest in them anymore because your lookingt o the future. if they dont want a life with you than there must be something wrong with them. your the life of the party but always go home alone. your not ugly or fat but you arent a asshole or a prettyboy like your in a boy band or something so your not noticed.

thespian86

That made me smile.

I spend most of my day in a heightened version of myself, "Social Taylor" as I like to call him, because I go to a theatre school and a) it kind of comes out of me there, and b) it is expected. It is mostly bullshit and pretense but, c'est la vie, that is the filter with which I live my life. Oh, yes, I go to a theatre conservatory program with some of the best young actors in Canada. So I spend most of my day feeling inept or arrogant. That is being an actor so I'm used to it.

Relationship wise you would miss your girlfriend. She is in New Brunswick. You are also tempted by the really hot dancer upstairs everyday, the one who wants to have sex with you, but you are a wonderful person and have not given in, nor do you ever plan to.

Personally you would be tired most of the time, feel kind of incomplete, and at the same time very unmotivated. You would have an almost overwhelming sadness that doesn't quite have a rhyme or reason but you suspect it is probably something to do with your mother. Or Genetics. You are gaining weight which is bad but you are gaining friends which is good. You are funny and intelligent but people are always surprised when you are kind; not because they don't think you're sweet, but because it's genuine and people are used to you playing the stock character of "Social Taylor".

There is much more but, hey, we are all complex beings.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

jewels

Stark? I dunno. But brutally honest. Anyone else would be totally insane if you were me for a day.

I thrive on spontaneity and changing the plan. I have to drive down the dirt road you always pass but never take because you don't know where it leads. I need to take risks, not physical ones but logistical and mental risks. (I won't even tell you about relationships I've ended, moves I've made and jobs I've quit for some unapparent reasons.) This need to push myself, test myself is so great that if often overtakes common sense. The only break I get from this is immediately after some ruthlessly impetuous sex.

But I'm extremely sensitive, loving and loyal to those I love and work for/with. My kids adore me because they think my impetuousness makes me act like a 10-year old at times and makes it easier for me to relate to them.

Moments of depression do attempt to shoot me down, but I've developed this strange inner strength that allows me to pull myself up and prevent the depression from attaching itself. Writing used to be my outlet, and it's hard to imagine that now being that the words no longer flow from my fingertips in a creative, beautiful way that makes sense. My brain has not been functioning at full power for some time now and I live with the fear that it may fail me completely at any given moment.

I'm highly motivated (except this job hunt has me down a bit), high energy and sometimes find myself bouncing off walls. I try to cool down by playing with the computer and hangin' at TFP, but if I sit too long I just get lazy, sleepy and unmotivated. I love to coach and spread my happiness to those that try to touch me with their negativity. I feel as though it's part of my gift and a way I can inject sunshine into the thick skin of one who resists. It's something I receive great joy from.

I worry if I'm teaching my girls the appropriate balance between becoming independent and strong yet patient and kind.

Most times I totally love being me. Other times, I just want to cry and sleep. Still, I don't think if I'd trade anyone's life for mine. At least I live with passion. (Isn't passion just another word for insanity?)

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

abaya

YES, all of the above! No wonder we get along so well...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

filtherton

It's okay, because you generally think things are okay. You don't get enough sleep. You drink a lot of coffee. You don't eat well on a regular basis. You don't spend enough time learning the things that you're supposed to learn, you just spend enough time to (hopefully) get good grades. You don't find any of this particularly troublesome.

You smoke a couple of times a week, and you hope that you can manage to knock that shit off before you smoke the cigarette that gave the camel cancer.

You ride your bike, even when you don't want to.

Your family is generally awesome, and generally very supportive.

You don't know whether to become an engineer or a lawyer, and if a lawyer whether to focus on IP (cash money) or environmental law (probably cash money, too, with the added bonus of maybe not feeling like a complete tool) or social justice (stab me in the heart already, for fuck's sake), but you do know that you're going to have to decide very soon and that the state of the job market will probably make the decision for you.

Once you decide you won't second guess the decision at all because, like the commander in chief, your decisiveness is often notable.

You are busy to the extent that you should always be doing something else.

Anormalguy

They would blow their fucking brains out after a few hours.

__________________
In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

jewels

C'mon now... put yourself out there. We have. *tap tap*

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

BogeyDope

Apathetic to any sort of negative emotion [for the most part]. Wake up, brush teeth, go to school, go to work, save lives, watch people die. I am very attentive to detail. I am on constant watch on my surroundings. I have no fears but to fail in my goals, which motivate me more so then some others and which is why I am sometimes seen as more successful as others [I have a long way to go before I can declare success].

I am extremely open minded and logical. I believe in the Chaos Theory [i.e. random minute changes can cause huge catastrophes]. I am shy, especially around women I deem attractive. It pains me sometimes, which results in me challenging myself to talk to them. I do. Sometimes. Other times I use it as a proponent to push myself. I learn from every mistake, no matter how big. As I am writing this, I am disagreeing with some of the stuff I wrote because I am so complex that it doesn't do justice for me to define myself. I feel as though the same should apply to anyone else.

For the most part, at 19 years old [well, 18, I turn 19 in two weeks], I have seen things people would never even dream off. I have figured out so much on my own that I would consider myself a great philosopher. I think stoicism is a somewhat good way to define myself.

And now, for the sake of setting a set image of myself [I am too complex for that], I shall stop.


[Edit] Sounds weird, doesn't it?

__________________
Focus. Control. Conviction. Resolve. A true ace lacks none of these attributes. Nothing can deter you from the task at hand except your own fears. This is your sky.

Hyacinthe

A day in my shoes is a long one both in my routine and in regards to how draining it sometimes is, might sound vain but I don't honestly think that everyone out there goes through the same ups and downs that I seem to manage in a single 24 hours period.

My day today:

I wake up at 5am, then proceed to do 30min cardio before jumping in the shower, eating some toast or a bowl of porridge, I kiss my SO goodbye (he's generally still asleep but he gets this cute little contented smile when I kiss him goodbye in the mornings), at that point the emotional rollercoaster starts. I feel such a warm glow in my heart every morning when I kiss him goodbye, looking at him when he's wrapped the blanket around himself til I have to shift the blanket to kiss the top of his head.

I then go outside and start feeling slightly resentful of all those people still in bed as I wipe my car down (or in colder weather hose it down) so I can see. Drive to my day job so I get to the hospital at about 6:30am in time for handover - I then do a 6 to 8 hour shift working with terminal cancer patients. Throughtout my day at work I will be moved almost to tears by watching their bravery, feel anger / irritation with the way some of them act or the attitudes of family members, guild for feeling that anger or irritation, amusement with the antics of some of my care staff (they're ALL older then me, infact they have kids my age and they've all decided I take my job to seriously so they try to cheer me up). I'll spend my lunch break with one of the patient Joyce who'll grill me about my social life and ask why I'm in my uniform when she keeps telling me to wear my normal wear (I tend towards gothicism in my dress sense, not appreciated in a hospital setting) and try to convince me I should date her grandson.

After my shift is over (generally about 20min late while I wait for the care staff to come back from their extended lunch and do a hand over with them before I go and then getting distracted by various patients wanting to talk to me) I'll drive back home and spend some time with the SO. We'll watch a movie, work on various models, I'll do some sewing while he reads, or maybe we'll just curl up in bed and talk. I need those few hours with him after a bad day at work (by a bad day I mean there has been a death) he centres me. He doesn't expect me to be strong, he understands that sometimes I just can't be. I think that's one of the reasons I love him so much, everyone else expects me to always hold it together, to be strong and calm and logical, sometimes the pressure of acting as though everything in my life is fine and perfect when all I want to do is curl up and cry or scream til my throat is raw is just more then I can handle. At those times the SO will just hold me and kiss my hair and suddenly it doesn't feel as overwhelming as it did before.

Then he'll head off to work, I'll log on here or surf the net (usually both) have some dinner and / or watch some tv. Do the rest of my daily work out (weight training and yoga) and get an early night.

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If it's a Friday or Saturday then I will sleep in, wake up and work out get a ride into the city with the SO (he works only a few doors down from me when I am stripping) I'll duck into work put on my makeup, change into something skimpy and ridiculous heels (wearing in a new pair now actually) and do another 8 hour shift (6pm - 2am). That 8 hours will consist of about 4 - 5 hours in the peep show and a few hours doing private strips, assuming no one comes in that wants anything special. After that my SO will turn up at the door and walk me round to his car, or mine, depending on who drove. Then we'll drive home, have a large amounts of cups of tea or milo and head to bed only to get up and rinse and repeat.


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The SO and I are both working two jobs atm, we're trying to save up to buy a house together. Luckily both our bosses are pretty flexible so we have our RDO's on the same days, guarantees us atleast 2 days a week together as well as the couple of hours we have together every day, we generally spend a few hours curled up together at night as well.

So yeah that's my average day. Without the self doubt about why I am not more sucessful, why despite how hard I worked to become a nurse my parents still say I never lived up to my potential. My stress over the fact that part of me believes my SO loves another woman, the mother of his daughter. She gave him a child something that I might not ever be able to do because of an incident earlier in my life. Then ontop of that are the more superficial worries.

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"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

Dammitall

A lot of this sounds very familiar: the being inside my own head, the detachment, the self consciousness, the sometimes unreasonably high self-expectations that more often than not bring me to a complete standstill in terms of action and progress. Despite this my mind never stops going a mile a minute, usually with unproductive thoughts.

If I were to profile a day in my life these days, there wouldn't be a whole lot going on. Mornings are routine as a rule: if I'm able to get up at my normal time (between 6:00 and 6:25) I can be ready to leave in time to bike to the train station and either ride the train or bus to work. Any deviation of ten or fifteen minutes from that and the bike stays home and I drive, as was the case this morning. It's a letdown for me and colors the experience of the rest of my day, since biking in the morning and evening are typically the high points of my life during the week.

The financial crisis has slowed activity at my job to a crawl. These days I feel more or less checked out of here and have not had the motivation to pursue things I could or should be getting done and aren't. I know I've been spending a whole lot more time here on TFP than I would if I were busier or more engaged with work. Despite this inactivity I still put off eating my lunch until as late as 2 or 3 in the afternoon, by which time I have a splitting headache and my stomach hurts from hunger. I don't know why.

I head straight home after work to catch the bus or train, unless I've planned in advance and driven downtown to stay late for something going on after work. I enjoy my ride home from the train station, though it's more likely I'll get honked at or harassed by drivers on the way home. With the season changing it's become darker out much earlier; I know my partner isn't comfortable with me riding after dark, and soon she'll be insisting that I postpone my bike commute until the spring. I know she is concerned about my safety and has my best interests at heart, but I am totally bummed about this.

My evenings are usually quiet and uneventful: vegging out, watching TV, surfing the web, not much else. If I have a piece of contract work to get done for my freelance business, I'll become engrossed in that, tune out the rest of the world and likely stay awake past 12:30—it's one of the few things that demands my complete attention throughout the day. Tonight I'll be at orchestra rehearsal until 10pm.

Weekends usually involve more laziness and vegging out—"recovery" from the work week, which seldom leaves me feeling recovered—maybe a bike ride if I'm lucky, church on Sunday morning, putting off cleaning the house or doing yard work, sometimes actually getting that done if we know we'll be having company, or traveling out of town to see my family for some occasion. If we're being social, we're probably hanging out with friends of my partner's—sure they're mutual friends, but they're still her friends first—since they are local and my friends are often busy or, in most cases, live out of state.

I'd like to be able to come back to this question once I have turned a corner and start getting more out of life, whatever that entails; probably a new job, for one thing. I know there are far better ways I could be spending my time that would benefit my mental and emotional outlook tremendously. I'm not there yet.

I wonder where my passion has gone. I wonder why I don't do the things I say I am going to—and know I need to—do. I wish I didn't (over)react so negatively when I am told what to do. I wish I could take criticism better. I wish I felt more engaged with the people around me. I am tired of being so damned self absorbed.

/pity party

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If one million people replaced a two mile car trip once a week with a bike ride, carbon dioxide emissions would be reduced by 50,000 tons per year. If one out of ten car commuters switched to a bike, carbon dioxide emissions would be reduced by 25.4 million tons per year. [2milechallenge.com]