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Up until my 40's I thought I was the fly on the wall. I went through my days, through my emotions and didn't think anyone noticed or cared. I held shit jobs, mostly in accounting, which is ironic since I can't add for shit. My only interest was being the best mom I could be.
Then, in a tourist trap city on the other side of the northern border, among hundreds of strangers gathered for the same reason, someone took notice and it literally changed my life for the better.I was taught that my fears are internal and self-defeating. I learned that I had value to not just my family but to everyone I touched, but at the same time, that value had to come from me, not from anyone else.
With their push, not just encouragement, but a major push, I went to school. I learned a lot about myself those two years. I became selfish, but, I think, in a good way.
My days are mundane, but I do what I love. I work in a casual atmosphere but everything must be first rate.
I have fantastic kids. They are talented beyond my wildest dreams, smart and kind and most important, independent thinkers.
As a teenager, I couldn't get a date if I paid for one; now I have people in my life who love me unconditionally and wholly.
What's it like to be me? If I take others' visions into consideration, I am funny, self-deprecating and defensive. I am flaky but not stupid; my mind either goes in 4 directions at once or bugs out. I am negatively narcissistic-I see the worst in my physical being and question what it is these men in my life see that I can't. I eat like a 13 year old and smoke like a chimney, yet I am overly healthy for someone my age and don't even have a gray hair on my head yet. I do what I love to do, even if it's selfish, because I am too aware that there are no second chances.
I'm a slob about my things, fastidious about my own cleanliness. I wear clothes that don't fit because I'm too cheap and hate to shop. Give me money and I'd rather spend it on gadgets than clothes.
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