Dammitall

A lot of this sounds very familiar: the being inside my own head, the detachment, the self consciousness, the sometimes unreasonably high self-expectations that more often than not bring me to a complete standstill in terms of action and progress. Despite this my mind never stops going a mile a minute, usually with unproductive thoughts.

If I were to profile a day in my life these days, there wouldn't be a whole lot going on. Mornings are routine as a rule: if I'm able to get up at my normal time (between 6:00 and 6:25) I can be ready to leave in time to bike to the train station and either ride the train or bus to work. Any deviation of ten or fifteen minutes from that and the bike stays home and I drive, as was the case this morning. It's a letdown for me and colors the experience of the rest of my day, since biking in the morning and evening are typically the high points of my life during the week.

The financial crisis has slowed activity at my job to a crawl. These days I feel more or less checked out of here and have not had the motivation to pursue things I could or should be getting done and aren't. I know I've been spending a whole lot more time here on TFP than I would if I were busier or more engaged with work. Despite this inactivity I still put off eating my lunch until as late as 2 or 3 in the afternoon, by which time I have a splitting headache and my stomach hurts from hunger. I don't know why.

I head straight home after work to catch the bus or train, unless I've planned in advance and driven downtown to stay late for something going on after work. I enjoy my ride home from the train station, though it's more likely I'll get honked at or harassed by drivers on the way home. With the season changing it's become darker out much earlier; I know my partner isn't comfortable with me riding after dark, and soon she'll be insisting that I postpone my bike commute until the spring. I know she is concerned about my safety and has my best interests at heart, but I am totally bummed about this.

My evenings are usually quiet and uneventful: vegging out, watching TV, surfing the web, not much else. If I have a piece of contract work to get done for my freelance business, I'll become engrossed in that, tune out the rest of the world and likely stay awake past 12:30—it's one of the few things that demands my complete attention throughout the day. Tonight I'll be at orchestra rehearsal until 10pm.

Weekends usually involve more laziness and vegging out—"recovery" from the work week, which seldom leaves me feeling recovered—maybe a bike ride if I'm lucky, church on Sunday morning, putting off cleaning the house or doing yard work, sometimes actually getting that done if we know we'll be having company, or traveling out of town to see my family for some occasion. If we're being social, we're probably hanging out with friends of my partner's—sure they're mutual friends, but they're still her friends first—since they are local and my friends are often busy or, in most cases, live out of state.

I'd like to be able to come back to this question once I have turned a corner and start getting more out of life, whatever that entails; probably a new job, for one thing. I know there are far better ways I could be spending my time that would benefit my mental and emotional outlook tremendously. I'm not there yet.

I wonder where my passion has gone. I wonder why I don't do the things I say I am going to—and know I need to—do. I wish I didn't (over)react so negatively when I am told what to do. I wish I could take criticism better. I wish I felt more engaged with the people around me. I am tired of being so damned self absorbed.

/pity party

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If one million people replaced a two mile car trip once a week with a bike ride, carbon dioxide emissions would be reduced by 50,000 tons per year. If one out of ten car commuters switched to a bike, carbon dioxide emissions would be reduced by 25.4 million tons per year. [2milechallenge.com]