Jozrael

EDIT: I've realized that a forum really isn't going to solve my problems for me, so the next couple of responses were all I needed to hear. NEW SUBJECT:

How would you rate your own relationship on its 'sparkle' level? What do you do for your partner (and vice versa) that really makes you just love them more each day?





Kept for reference:
Alright, so I've been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. I think we're both great for each other. There's just one thing that I realized about us recently (and she's made comments about from time to time):

We're kinda boring. I mean, we love each others company. We communicate well and often. The sex life is kinda on the downlow since we're long-distance a good portion of the time, and when we're together it's generally with supervision not too far off. However, that part'll get fixed up nicely in the spring when we live at colleges less than a mile away from each other. Sleepoverrrrr! xD

Back to the point. We're both rather comfortable just -being- in a relationship with each other. We've each done lots of little cute things for each other, but certainly a lot less than in the honeymoon stage. This makes her more sad than I, but I'm recently wisening up to the situation as well.

So, in short, I'm realizing that both of us (but -largely- me) have to step it up to keep our relationship interesting. It's not like we won't stay together in the alternative...just it will be a -serviceable- relationship, not a sparkling one. And we want sparkly.

So I put the question to you TFP. If you're lazy (like me), how do you get up the motivation to put in the extra effort to really turbocharge your relationship? Or are you both okay with semi-boring but -comfy-?

Any thoughts? ^^

jewels

I'd be concerned that you call your union "kinda boring". Sounds like that may be the sparkle that's missing.

I don't care if I'm dropping film at Walmart with my guy or if we're mowing the lawn together. Boring is subjective. But when we're together, we have a blast doing anything, even sitting in front of the tube. We feed off one another, laugh at one another and continue to enjoy the process of learning more about one another even years later.

I hope you're just thinking that you might look boring from the outside looking in. Otherwise, I'd suggest a severe attitude adjustment. Hopefully, you just need to shorten the distance between you two. From a currently long-distance lady's point of view:

1. Romance. Call and tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her and what you want to and will do to her. Send e-cards or poems.
2. Gifts. Not a big cash expenditure. Just something to show you thought about her next time you see her.
3. Getaways. Scoop her away for the weekend, or a night. Take her out on the town or for a long drive.

Hmmm. I guess all 3 are about the same. Just show a woman that you think of her. Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel. Nothing's hotter than someone telling you how much they've been anticipating being with you!

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

World's King

After four years my ex and I realized we weren't in love with each other anymore. And for the exact reasons you've mentioned. We just got so comfortable with each other that we stopped trying.


We ended up cheating on each other and calling it quits. Don't let that happen. Step up and make it work.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Jozrael

Our relationship isn't boring to me, but I don't think it's sparkly either. We're kind of neutral. We are mushier than it is possible for any other couple on the planet to be <.<. And honestly I think I just need to be less lazy . Because she's quite good about doing the little things that make me light up, but I don't do them with nearly the same frequency.

And I don't really care if our relationship is boring from the outside. They don't have the full picture. It's just my gf can occasionally feel like we're boring, and that prompted this thread =). Really, I'm looking for ways to motivate myself to accomplish 1,2,3 more frequently.

EDIT: @WK: Cheating won't happen, nor do I think a situation like the above is in store for us, but yes. That's exactly why I want to 'step it up'. I'm just looking for the best way to motivate myself . In life I tend to take the path of least resistance and do what's most immediately satisfying. I've been working on this character flaw, but it's rather stubborn

World's King

Your motivation should be that if you let it slide any further, she might cheat on you.


That was the point of my story.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Manic_Skafe

There shouldn't ever be a point in any relationship in which things aren't "serviceable".

It's really just a matter of whether or not you value your relationship enough to put in the work.

But if you are feeling especially lazy then perhaps the thought of making love to your hand will motivate you enough.

Edit: I should also add that comfort and passion aren't diametrically opposed.

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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

abaya

Well, this is very honest, and that's the best place to begin. Have you told her that you know this about yourself, and that you're working on it? That's a very endearing thing to say to someone, if you ask me, and it will help her to be more patient with you.

Ktsp and I are going on 5 years together now, almost 2 years married, and I really think that things just keep getting better. We go through phases--everyone does--but overall, we try to be very intentional with our relationship and the things that make each other smile, basically. There will just be little tiny things he does that just make my day, like when he's on his way home from work and stops at the bakery and gets a chocolate truffle (just one--that's all I need!) to surprise me. Or when I finished a big paper earlier this year, he brought me an amethyst stone that he got at a rock shop, polished into a heart, which is small but just such a nice gesture. We'll give each other backrubs often, or wash each other in the shower, or just have a bottle of wine and sit back and enjoy a movie at home, and then talk about it for a long time afterwards, with candles burning and things feeling cozy (and yes, lots of sex, btw!).

To me, this all feels "comfortable" but also "intentional," not necessarily "intense," as you say. We know that every relationship HAS to be maintained, just like other systems... gardens, cars, our bodies, what have you... nothing survives on fumes for very long, even the best relationship. You gotta feed it. Regularly. And LIKE doing it.

Motivation? Well, your alternative is basically that your relationship WILL get rusty and break down, sometimes beyond repair. That's what happens when people get lazy about maintenance, with anything. Imagine how it will be once you have kids, and have been together for 20 or 30 years... and yeah, you had better still have a system of spicing up the romance and making things "sparkly," even then. Best to figure out a system now, while things are still really quite new... 2.5 years is just gettin' started!!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

jewels

We can't motivate you. If you're not motivated on your own to help her make the relationship strong and lasting, willing to nurture it for years and years, then you might as well walk away now. Cut losses for you both.

Continuing to take the past of least resistance isn't going to improve your relationship. Be willing to confront the uncomfortable to get it out of the way. You say you communicate well. What does she need/want that she's not getting? What's the relationship lacking for you? If everything's hunky dory, why do you feel you need motivation? How badly do you want this relationship and what are you willing to do to maintain it?

You could have an ideal relationship for all we know. You're not giving us much to go on, so I'm just offering a couple of points to toss around in your head.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Jozrael

Thank you abaya for that post. Quite helpful. A question though: what goes through your mind when you're thinking of something special/romantic to do for ktsp? And notably, what went through your mind before it became a routine?

I'm a very large creature of habit. Once I start doing small little things frequently for her, I won't stop. The thing is the kind of things you mention rarely pop into my mind, despite how often I think of her. Once I get it -started-, it'll -continue-. I'm just looking for ways to get it started . And it's really not the specifics I need, I'd love to come up with them on my own. But I come up with things to do for her on average once every other week, and often they can't carry through from external limitations (I'm not the sole user of my car, LDR, etc.) so the frequency they -occur- is even less. Do you have a certain ritual every day where you brainstorm what you can do for ktsp in the near future?

I don't know, but just reading the responses in this thread is helping. Thanks =)

EDIT: @Jewels: I realized your first paragraph as I was reading this. I was like "What am I expecting these people to do for me? Say a magic spell and suddenly I'll be motivated? This is something I have to do on my own."

And the path of least resistance causes problems for me in FAR more than just my relationship: its not a relationship flaw, but a character flaw of mine.

And from my point of view we DO have an ideal relationship. Neither of us is perfect, and neither of us expects perfection from the other. I've mostly realized from the last couple replies that this thread isn't going to do much more than make me feel good about myself/us, but thank you for your input.

If you want to continue this thread, new topic!: How would you rate your own relationship on its 'sparkle' level? What do you do for your partner (and vice versa) that really makes you just love them more each day?

Cynthetiq

Sparkle? There's a sparkle? It's not something that is qualitatively shiny, Disney storybook they lived happily ever after.

We go through things together, as opposed to seperately. We like to be with each other more than any other person on the planet. She is my favorite person to be with at any time.

But sparkle?

All things lose their shininess and dull over time.

But relationships deepen, they don't get shinier or brighter. They deepen, in understanding and emotions. Bonds get harder to break because there's more attachment. It's not about giving or getting a new present, yes there's a part of being thoughtful. When you see a spouse worry over the crumpled body in a hospital, that's not shiny, yet that's very important to a relationship.

Relationships have their ups and downs. They have their hardships and tests. Deeping your emotional attachment and understanding of the other person, helps get through those times than holding some tchotcke that was given on some random day.

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ShaniFaye

nope sorry, Dave and I hold that title

are and I still sparkly? damn straight, Like Jewels mentioned it doesnt matter what we are doing we have fun with it whether its cleaning, shopping, watching tv, surfing online. We leave silly notes for each other around the house, in our cars, different places online. He stops and buys me beef jerky or reeses or some cheap penguin or fairy "something" at the convenience store just "because" and I buy him anything star wars, joker, dragon related.

It doesnt take much to let the other person know that you were thinking of them when you werent with them and to me that means everything

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abaya

What does your wife say?

Don't get me wrong, I understand your point, and I agree with it. Emotional bonds are the most important thing in any relationship, obviously. But that doesn't mean that small gestures are meaningless, or that simple, thoughtful gifts have no place. I think you definitely need both. There is no need to minimize the small things that people do for each other, which anyway only serve to complement their deep emotional bonds... what's the harm?
-----Added 23/9/2008 at 02 : 41 : 15-----
Exactly, Shani. I think you and I both know that we'll always agree on this stuff! hehehe.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Cynthetiq

There isn't any harm, I thought I stated that it's fine, but I do not think it the lusture of the relationship. Eventually, those little things, have to have a space in the house, a space for keepsakes etc. It's great when you have a huge house, but when you move from place to place, it's not very practical when you sit there having to decide to toss some small item that isn't really representative of your relationship. Yes it's thoughtful, it helps. Skogafoss likes flowers is torn because they are expensive, and they just die. She finds them to be a waste of money. The same kind of happens for the tchotckes when we more or cleanup. Its nice a little thoughtful toy, but really, we'd rather have the $$.

There are people who have very deep relationships without things, because they can't afford them. But their relationship can be just as passionate than someone who gets candies and flowers on a regular basis.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

jewels

What he said. ^ ^ ^ ^

Although they don't get brighter, with some polishing here and there, they can still sparkle like crazy sometimes.

Just don't get complacent; don't take one another for granted. Make sure you make enough time for just the two of you, always.

What makes me love him more each day? What Cyn said. Depth of the bonds. What we've been through together. Finding a new facet to become intimate about. Creating rituals and remembering the last one. Feeling appreciated for the little things I do for him. Being surprised by him. The way he gazes into my eyes before he kisses me. The way he watches my face when he makes love to me. That he'll ask me if I want some when he goes to grab a snack in the kitchen. That he'll say, "Let's go get barbecue!", we hop in the car and then he'll ask what I'm in the mood for.

My favorite quote from the man I love: I only give back to you what you give to me. If you both adopt this philosophy of love, you can't lose.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Eweser

After being with my husband for 11 years now (married for almost 8), we don't light up the room with "sparkle" anymore, but I love him more than ever. The things we've been through and the rough patches we've had has actually made it better. I was obsessed with losing the sparkle a few years back. I was making myself miserable trying to get back the newlywed feel. Then he was diagnosed with cancer (gone now) and my thinking shifted completely. The fact that my heart still jumps when I see him after work and that whenever he's near me I feel comfortable in my own skin, which is a real rarity, is what I love the best about him.

As far as things we do for each other... Neither one is big on gifts or trinkets, so we schedule a night on the town. I'll dress up (another rarity) and we'll go out and eat and go to a movie. It is kind of expensive, but we don't do it very often and that keeps the cost down and the novelty of it up. Sometimes at Christmas or my birthday, he'll surprise me with a gift. The look on his face when he knows he's surprised me is actually worth more than the gift.

As for everyday things, the fact that he puts up with me . He does the dishes and laundry most of the time. I'll pick up food for him when I'm at the grocery store that I know he likes but might not remember or get for himself. Just little things like that when the opportunity comes along.

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anti fishstick

I am not much of a gift/trinket person either. I don't see the value in things so much as actions. I would rather have presence than presents any day. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to "give" in a relationship... Each relationship is different and unique to the two people involved.

Right now, my boyfriend and I are working on deepening our relationship before we can make it sparkle. We both have some issues that we're working on individually. But, for all the discomfort and unsettling, stressful, environment, it is worth it just to be with him knowing we're still working together.

And yeah, I was upset with losing the sparkle after the first couple years of our relationship. I think the thing to keep in mind is that relationships evolve, and you're not going to be in the honeymoon stage forever. That's OK. Once you can get past that, you'll start to realize how much more amazing your relationship can be...

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curiousbear

we know each other for 9 years, married for ~6years.

You atleast have intentions. For me I wish time just gets fast forwarded by an other 25 years!

How would you rate your own relationship on its 'sparkle' level?
Occasional Sparkles.
Doomed in boredom the rest of the time
I am very low, demoralized, demotivated, sick and crap

What do you do for your partner (and vice versa) that really makes you just love them more each day?
I try to get what ever is asked. Some times guess what she wants and get it (surprise)
I take her for shopping, parks, picnics, tour/travel
I always give company, always go with her to hospital/clinic
We watch moves

abaya

That's what I'm talking about... not going out of your way, necessarily, but if it's there, you just go for it. Obviously doesn't have to be every day... every few months, even just once a year. Doesn't have to be an object, either (as I said, the chocolate truffle goes down very well, and doesn't take up much space in the house! )... sometimes just a thought. I had been telling ktsp about a tree that was turning colors beautifully this fall, and he asked me if it was the one on this particular corner near our house, and I said yes... and he said that he had been thinking of me when he walked past it recently, because he knows how much I love trees changing in the fall. Those kinds of little thoughts mean a lot to me, as well. All the little things mean something to me, really.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

jewels

Beautifully done in a nutshell.

Knowing that we're thought of even when we're not around.

Scores major points every time.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

jorgelito

Ab, that is very beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Brings back some memories for me....*tear

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curiousbear

Yes! Brings back some memories to me too.