rocray

Ok, my girlfriend and I have been going out for about 8 months. We each live at our parents houses still. I travel to her house two, three times a week to go see her. It's a hour drive one way.

I don't have problems with her going to parties with her friends, if I have to work, I tell her to go anyway. When she sees her guy friends, she gives them hugs, and I'm ok with it, even though a little bit inside, I wish she wouldn't. But I understand... I trust her and I love her.

But recently one of her friends who is gay, was looking for a place to live. She offered him her basement to stay in. I was a little upset, because she would be living with another guy, who would probally see her more than I would.

I love her very much. But having her friend stay for three months is really making me un-easy.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I'm not going to tell her how I really feel, because she's helping him out with a place to stay. I want her to always beable to do what she wants to do without limits and barriers.

This guy just isn't over-the-top gay, like some people I know. I'm not sure if he's bi-sexual or not. I just don't want to loose her. I don't know what I would do.

Do you have any advice? Please tell me if I am being unreasonable.

Thanks.

Willravel

Why are you uneasy?

miko

He's gay. Nothing to worry about.

Shauk

There is a difference between love and possessiveness.

abaya

Well, if that's what you really mean, then you have to stand by it. You either mean it, or you don't.

But I don't think you really mean it. My guess is that you're saying it to make yourself sound like you're really open and trusting, but the rest of your post gives us clues otherwise. You're afraid of a gay guy stealing your girlfriend. You don't like your gf hugging other guys. You obviously want a lot more limits and barriers around your woman than you are currently getting.

Personally, I think every relationship has to negotiate its own limits and barriers... no one is fine with a completely open-to-anything relationship, like the way you describe it above (even polyamorous/open couples have to negotiate these things, perhaps even moreso than monogamous couples). Being in a relationship of any kind means you have to figure out what works between you both, and what's not going to fly. But you can't start by saying idealistic things "I want her to feel free to do anything," because it's simply not true.

If I were you, I would sit down with her and tell her your fears, and let her decide how to handle it. None of us can tell you that you're overreacting or not, because in the end, it comes down to you and your girlfriend and what you decide as being okay and respectful to both of you. Compromise can't happen if both parties aren't being as honest as possible, even if you feel like a possessive jealous jerk when you tell her how you feel. (And I've been in a similar situation as yours, btw... and yes, I looked like a possessive jealous jerk, but I still told my husband--then boyfriend--how I felt... and we worked it out.)

Two cents.

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Plan9

Pfft. That was the whole dollar. And you're right, of course.

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Dtamr

Okay, I know where you're at because I was in this situation myself. She has (well, had) a gay friend that needed a place to stay for a few months and she didnt turn him down. He stayed in the living room and it got to the point where he wasnt helping with rent/groceries, and overall being a bad houseguest.

What I'm trying to say is that I didnt mind one bit. I knew the guy, he was as gay as christmas and he never tried anything. It's really a matter of trust on both sides. If you dont trust the guy, then let your girlfriend know. We discussed the situation he was in before she agreed to let him stay over and we also discussed rules and consequences for breaking them, etcetera. If you're very worried, talk to the guy, gauge his state of mind and what he thinks about your girlfriend.

Shauk said that there's a difference between love and being posessive, and this is one of those areas where that's going to be noticed. It's important for her to know that you dont mind her having a gay friend, and a gay guy in the same place will not be a detriment to your relationship at all. Letting her know you're cool with it would probably even help your relationship.

But one thing to know. Let him know that when it's time for him to leave for a few hours, he has got to GTFO or else. you know? nothing is more of a cockblock then having a gay guy on the couch trying to make girl talk with your girl while you're trying to get frisky. So, watch out for that, and you should be good.

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Jinn

That's so unbelievably unfair to her. If you want to, let her make the damn decisions, but let it at least be an informed decision. It's so stupid to not let her know, because she may-very-well not know. If you're really afraid that how you feel about something is going to "force" her to do something, then she's not a very strong woman. You can tell someone how you feel and they're still capable of making their own damn decision.

My girlfriend didn't want to tell me how she felt about certain things because she felt like I would be limited or barred or somehow forced to do what she wanted. It was more insulting than anything, her thinking that I was somehow so weak-willed that I'd be forced to do what she wanted after she told me.

If you tell her how she feels and still lets him move in, then you can at least be satisfied that you stood up like a man and told her how you felt.

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Lasereth

What's the difference in her going to another guy and her wanting to go to another guy? You preventing her from going to another guy isn't gonna stop her feelings (if she has them). So using logic, the fact of the guy moving in with her has nothing to do with her feelings or if you lose her.

genuinegirly

I see this as entirely your girlfriend's parents' decision.

It's their house. They make the calls on who lives in it.

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Willravel

Looks like a post and run.

rocray

I read all the comments, and realized how insecure I am.
She's helping out a friend, and you know what? I'm ok with it.

thanks for all the comments and suggestions.
I had a talk with her and we're all good now.

genuinegirly

Thanks for the update!
Glad to hear things worked out for you.

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Tully Mars

I was going to post something along those lines, decided against it. Glad you talked it over with her, talk is always good.

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Ustwo

Ok since this thread is over, I feel free to hijack it and hijack it I shall.

Avast ye thread I am coming a board.

So everyone was in agreement that hes just mostly insecure, should follow his thoughts and be good with it.

Those same arguments would apply if the guy was straight, the gayness shouldn't really affect any of it. You need to trust her, shes her own woman, that sort of thing.

Now I submit this.

If I were living with a womanlike in the op where the physical attraction was there between us, I'd be having sex with her by the end of the month, two tops.

As long as I fit her type, it would be a done deal.

The close proximity of living together, the amount of time together, and subtle hints would do it. Something like 60% of married males and 40% of married females have affairs and thats people living together, nor did most of them go looking for the affair.

A simple boyfriend is not going to stand a chance and this isn't a brag like I'm some kinda super stud. Its just normal human nature.

So really this all hinges on him being gay. The thought being its the same as a female moving in.

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*Nikki*

Not to scare you or anything, but do you have PROOF that he is gay?? Like have you seen him with another guy being affectionate and what not??

I only ask this b/c I used to tell my ex that certain male friends of mine were gay so I could hang out with them without getting any grief from him.....and yes, I was attracted to said gay friends (who were indeed very strait). Heh.

xepherys

rocray,

Glad things worked out. But for anyone looking at this thread later, I'll dump my dime here to cover it.

Jealousy is a horrible, horrible beast. The simple answer to jealousy (which it sounds like you may have some issues with re: the hugging of male friends and such) is as follows: She will cheat on you or she will not cheat on you and it is solely her choice to make. If she does or does not you may or may not ever know. Therefore being jealous does nothin but keep you upset and possibly ruin the relationship. There is exactly no reason EVER to be jealous, period.

The longer setup to this is that by NOT being jealous, you actully have a good chance of strengthening your relationship. People prefer to be trusted by those that they love. Feeling truly trusted is a major strengthener for any relationship. I used to be a jealous person, and it ruined more than one decent relationship. My wife and I have a strict non-jealousy pact. It's made for some AMAZING years. Trust me, jealousy is never, ever, ever worth it. If she hugs guy friends, who cares? They're her friends. Friends hug! If a straight male friend moved into her basement, you should still trust her even then. Or put another way, do you assume a non-related male in her house is simply too much temptation? If she wasapt to cheat, she could do it even with a guy living SOMEWHERE ELSE. Just a thought...

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match000

This is a good point you make, and I see what you mean.

However, suppose this guy is straight.

Physical proximity breeds attraction, and even if she had 0 (negative infinity) thoughts of cheating or such, perhaps the fact that she sees that guy so much over a period of many months would breed attraction.

Initially, she has 0 thoughts of cheating - so this is fine- this straight guy is like any other friend. However, you talk alot to your friends, right? Esp. if they are close enough to be living at your place. So they would talk and talk and talk, and eventually feelings *might* arise.

I guess I'm just playing devil's advocate.

pig

I can see Ustwo's bitter disillusioning position, but I agree with xerpherys's position. If she's going to cheat on you, then she's going to cheat on you. At some point, you have to decide to trust her...or else don't. I tend to ask whether it's worth my time...and that leads to asking myself what behaviors she exhibits that make me jealous. Jealousy is just an emotion, like any other. So, if I'm calling her and she's not picking up...and she's spending a lot of her time with said friend...and she's not affectionate with me and seems otherwise to be distracted in my presence for reasons unknown...then you may have a problem. The cheating would be a symptom, and the greater problem would be that your relationship was shit. If you don't get an STD or a baby out of it, count yourself lucky and move on. Either way, life is short and you have to decide how to spend your time. Worrying about whether your girlfriend is fucking some guy living in her basement is a horrible way to pass an afternoon...and I'd be inclined to ask myself why I wanted to be with someone I thought was fucking a guy in her basement?

As for the hugging male friends...I wouldn't worry about that. You'll drive her into fucking one of them if you give her shit about that. Regardless, communicating in these situations, without blaming whomever you're with, is the best way to go. You grow as a person, and the relationship either grows or dies. What will be, will be...etc.

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Kahn

Jealousy is an emotion I never fully understood. It serves no good purpose and expressing it ONLY leads to inevitable unhappiness. This is not to say that I've never felt or expressed jealousy, I used to allow myself to get absolutely SICK in it, so I can certainly relate to how it makes me feel .. and upon many years of reflection and consideration, how it made me look. I just never understood why I would allow myself to be tortured by an emotion I have the ability to control. Eventually, I learned to simply not allow it to control me or my actions and have essentially trained myself to just not get jealous.

As the saying goes, "if you love something set it free, and if it was meant to be yours it will come back" .. or some such. If she doesn't love you enough to be loyal .. she isn't worth being jealous over to begin with.

As for not telling her how you feel, this is a terrible step in the wrong direction. If you want the relationship to work .. whatever kind of relationship it is or ever will be .. you have to have open, honest communication for it to be truly successful.

hopefully that's not too little, too late

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pornclerk

I lived with a gay guy for about a year. It was a lot of fun. Gay guys make the best girlfriends.

I can see why you may be a little hesitant because her roommate would be a guy, but trust me, if he is gay, there is no chance of anything happening sexually. I can't count how many times my gay friend saw me in a towel and didn't even flinch.

I believe too that trust is built slowly in a relationship. When I first starting dating my ex, I didn't trust him at all. How can you when you don't know someone? Once I got to know him more, the trust grew deeper. Maybe the relationship is too young to have reached that level yet.

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