Dealing with Jealousy - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Merlocke · 08-12-2007, 11:17 PM

I'll start it off with a simpsons reference - because strangely enough, this episode played during a time when I felt like my wife was having an emotional affair with someone else. If you don't watch simpsons, just skip this part.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mommie_Beerest

Nothing sexual about it, just that she seems to connect with and be happier with people other than myself. So I wonder - is it better to simply set her free, and part ways so that both of us end up happier in the long run? I love her enough to let her go. I want her to be happy, but I'd like to have happy times in my life as well.

-=-

I think I've got some jealousy issues that I really have to work out. My wife and I have been together since we were 15/16 (we're now in late 20's) and I've always had a jealous streak to me I suppose. It's just that I never really act on it, and just kind of hold it inside and act passive-aggressive until it builds to the point where I blow up. Then I go and pull something stupid and out of character (eg: Silent Treatment) and things go from bad to worse. Since I've only really been in one long term relationship - I don't get many different views of the world, so I'm wondering if people can shed some light on how to deal with jealousy.

A friend of ours is teaching us a new skill - motorcycles. Unfortunately this meant that back when we didn't have our own bikes, she would have to ride with him to the learning destination and therefore share a bike. I know it doesn't mean anything, but I feel uncomfortable when she has to hug someone else.

Another time, we were drinking together in a restaurant, and she gets very "huggy" when buzzed. Started putting her head on other people's shoulders, again making me uncomfortable.

I've spoken with my wife about these things, so she's definitely trying to stop doing anything that would hurt our relationship, but I wonder if there's anything I can do on my end to stop feeling the way that I do.

The logic in my head says that it makes sense the way that she's acting, but the emotional, and I suppose irrational side feels abandoned and wants to break away to stop the pain permanently. I know I've since put up barriers to lessen the pain, but it's also putting a strain on the relationship since I know that I feel farther away now.

I know there's a saying that you only ask for advice when you already know the answer, and you just don't like it - but I'm really strapped for ideas on what else I can do from my end - other than just "sucking it up" and dealing with it. Apparently I just bottle it up until it overflows and go crazy.

-=-

Not to complicate this thread even further, but when you're with your significant other, no matter how bad your day has been, do you at least try your best to be pleasant, and not grumpy to the point where you dampen and sour your partner's mood as well? I don't mean keep it all inside, but I mean, don't just unleash and beat up your partner for things that frustrate you that have nothing to do with them.

/end rant.

[edited - I tried to use that hide feature, but apparently my brain has stopped working for the night]

Midnight · 08-12-2007, 11:32 PM

Hey merlocke. I hear ya on the jealousy bit. I have always been the same. it sucks. for us AND our partner. I'll never really get over it, but an exceptionally wise man told me:

"You know he's (or in your case she's)yours, he (she) knows he (she) is yours, so long as his(her) lips and hands arent where they dont belong, and no one is touching HIM (HER) where they shouldnt be - what the hell does it matter - You're the one whos bed he(she) ends up in at the end of the day. The last voice they hear and the first voice they hear when they wake up - is yours. Make those words be meaningful ones, and know that every time they leave you, youve done all you can to make them want to come back to you at the end of the day. Do all that, and then never worry about it again."

My grandfather told me that. he and my grandmother were married for 62 years when he died. you can bet i'm going to believe what he had to say when it comes to relationships. I've never seen two people more in love than my grandparents. they started off as young as you and your wife did.

Dont know if that helps you any, but I hope it does.

*hugs*

Midnight

soundmotor · 08-13-2007, 05:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlocke

I'll start it off with a simpsons reference - because strangely enough, this episode played during a time when I felt like my wife was having an emotional affair with someone else. If you don't watch simpsons, just skip this part.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mommie_Beerest

Nothing sexual about it, just that she seems to connect with and be happier with people other than myself. So I wonder - is it better to simply set her free, and part ways so that both of us end up happier in the long run? I love her enough to let her go. I want her to be happy, but I'd like to have happy times in my life as well.

-=-

I think I've got some jealousy issues that I really have to work out. My wife and I have been together since we were 15/16 (we're now in late 20's) and I've always had a jealous streak to me I suppose. It's just that I never really act on it, and just kind of hold it inside and act passive-aggressive until it builds to the point where I blow up. Then I go and pull something stupid and out of character (eg: Silent Treatment) and things go from bad to worse. Since I've only really been in one long term relationship - I don't get many different views of the world, so I'm wondering if people can shed some light on how to deal with jealousy.

A friend of ours is teaching us a new skill - motorcycles. Unfortunately this meant that back when we didn't have our own bikes, she would have to ride with him to the learning destination and therefore share a bike. I know it doesn't mean anything, but I feel uncomfortable when she has to hug someone else.

Another time, we were drinking together in a restaurant, and she gets very "huggy" when buzzed. Started putting her head on other people's shoulders, again making me uncomfortable.

I've spoken with my wife about these things, so she's definitely trying to stop doing anything that would hurt our relationship, but I wonder if there's anything I can do on my end to stop feeling the way that I do.

The logic in my head says that it makes sense the way that she's acting, but the emotional, and I suppose irrational side feels abandoned and wants to break away to stop the pain permanently. I know I've since put up barriers to lessen the pain, but it's also putting a strain on the relationship since I know that I feel farther away now.

I know there's a saying that you only ask for advice when you already know the answer, and you just don't like it - but I'm really strapped for ideas on what else I can do from my end - other than just "sucking it up" and dealing with it. Apparently I just bottle it up until it overflows and go crazy.

-=-

Not to complicate this thread even further, but when you're with your significant other, no matter how bad your day has been, do you at least try your best to be pleasant, and not grumpy to the point where you dampen and sour your partner's mood as well? I don't mean keep it all inside, but I mean, don't just unleash and beat up your partner for things that frustrate you that have nothing to do with them.

/end rant.

[edited - I tried to use that hide feature, but apparently my brain has stopped working for the night]

I cannot figure out why you would attach such significance to these non-events? She rode on someone else's motorcycle; so what? She got buzzed & put her head on someone else's shoulder; so what? Look at them for what they are rather than attach something else to them. You have been with or around her for nearly 15 years. That of itself should be a thunderbolt telling you where her loyalties are and, most importantly, that she is willing to deal with your petty & immature behaviour.....and come back for more. Your last paragraph nails it too. "and not grumpy to the point where you dampen and sour your partner's mood as well?" Do you think you are the only one that has a bad day? If you want your relationship to last, and I think you do, it is time to grow up and realize that it takes two. Your marriage is an e-q-u-a-l partnership not you tirading to her about how she makes you feel.

Midnight's comments are spot on too. If I can extend them a bit further, because of your own chosen behaviour, you could be poisoning your relationship and potentially damaging it over time. Relationships need care so they strengthen and become like iron over the years. What they don't need is one of the partners dwelling on the insignificant on a regular basis. You might also find she is connecting far better with you if you are truly there for her.

abaya · 08-13-2007, 05:29 AM

At least you recognize your feelings of abandonment. A lot of jealous types (including myself, more strongly in the past) never get that far. Have you attended counseling to address the trigger of your jealousy, and its consequences for your marriage? Couples counseling never hurts, either. I am a big fan of both, have done both, and seen wonders happen to other couples who are committed to healing themselves in this manner. It's the very least you can do if you are at the point of "saving" this marriage vs. walking away...

ShaniFaye · 08-13-2007, 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlocke

Not to complicate this thread even further, but when you're with your significant other, no matter how bad your day has been, do you at least try your best to be pleasant, and not grumpy to the point where you dampen and sour your partner's mood as well? I don't mean keep it all inside, but I mean, don't just unleash and beat up your partner for things that frustrate you that have nothing to do with them.

I cant speak to the jealousy bit, because I've never been that way and if I encountered a potential partner that was that way it didnt go anywhere because I dont deal with that kind of insecurity (which is what I see that it is), so I will speak to the bad mood thing. I am of the opinion that if you cant be in a bad mood around your partner because of a bad day, and you have to be pleasant around them no matter what....what good are they? Thats one of the reasons they are there. As long as you're not beating the shit out of them because your mad....why should you have to "put on a face"? They are your significant other for a reason....and if you're married, you've promised to stand by them in good times and bad....that goes for moods too

tecoyah · 08-13-2007, 06:12 AM

Personally, (yes I have been there as well) I found it very helpful to understand what the feeling truly is....insecurity. When I finally accepted that I was the one causing my own grief, it became alot easier to deal with jealous emotions. Mind you, they were still there, but I knew what they were which made it far easier to smile through it. And, just a heads up...DO NOT Play The Passive Aggressive Game!!!
You may very well destroy what you have....I just did exactly that though not over jealousy.

mixedmedia · 08-13-2007, 06:34 AM

I can speak to both of these from my own experience and I can say that a little bit of both jealousy and misplaced anger are both natural and tolerable.

But as far as I'm concerned, in excess they both stem from a sense of insecurity and immaturity that are expelled from the self and used to lash out others, especially those closest to us. And both of them will poison your marriage.

But all that said...it might be a good idea to pursue some form of therapy. You could have some minor depression or bipolar issues going on. Brain chemistry. A lot of things that people chalk up to self-controllable issues such as immaturity and insecurity can often be chalked up to an irregular functioning of the brain. Similar to many other types of bodily disorder so don't get down on yourself just yet - it's just an organ, after all. Just get yourself checked out.

Merlocke · 08-13-2007, 09:04 AM

Thanks much to everyone who's replied so far.
It really does help to just vent and hear other's points of view on things.
Ok - here goes...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Midnight

Hey merlocke. I hear ya on the jealousy bit. I have always been the same. it sucks. for us AND our partner. I'll never really get over it, but an exceptionally wise man told me:

"You know he's (or in your case she's)yours, he (she) knows he (she) is yours, so long as his(her) lips and hands arent where they dont belong, and no one is touching HIM (HER) where they shouldnt be - what the hell does it matter - You're the one whos bed he(she) ends up in at the end of the day. The last voice they hear and the first voice they hear when they wake up - is yours. Make those words be meaningful ones, and know that every time they leave you, youve done all you can to make them want to come back to you at the end of the day. Do all that, and then never worry about it again."

My grandfather told me that. he and my grandmother were married for 62 years when he died. you can bet i'm going to believe what he had to say when it comes to relationships. I've never seen two people more in love than my grandparents. they started off as young as you and your wife did.

Dont know if that helps you any, but I hope it does.

*hugs*

Midnight

Thanks for the words of advice. I know that we are there for each other in the end, but I suppose it's stems down to an insecurity issue. I know the solution to the problem is between my own ears, but hearing stories like this does help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by soundmotor

I cannot figure out why you would attach such significance to these non-events? She rode on someone else's motorcycle; so what? She got buzzed & put her head on someone else's shoulder; so what? Look at them for what they are rather than attach something else to them. You have been with or around her for nearly 15 years. That of itself should be a thunderbolt telling you where her loyalties are and, most importantly, that she is willing to deal with your petty & immature behaviour.....and come back for more. Your last paragraph nails it too. "and not grumpy to the point where you dampen and sour your partner's mood as well?" Do you think you are the only one that has a bad day? If you want your relationship to last, and I think you do, it is time to grow up and realize that it takes two. Your marriage is an e-q-u-a-l partnership not you tirading to her about how she makes you feel.

Ah, but there's the kicker. I do understand that these are non-events. However I also repress larger issues alongside the non-issues. Eventually, it's a non-issue that's the straw that breaks the camel's back, and suddenly an overflow of memories of previous fights and arguments come flying back at me all at once. (that's the part that I have trouble with) At that point, my logical side conks out, and my emotional side is all that's left, and let's just say that when my left brain is in control, things tend to go smoother.

Perhaps it's me just holding off my negative feelings and venting them elsewhere, and trying to maximize the positive emotions with my significant other only that brought me to this situation in the first place. When she has a bad day, sometimes she does take it out on me, but I'm there to support and help her feel better. When I have a bad day, I try to vent it elsewhere to not spoil her good mood if she's in one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tecoyah

Personally, (yes I have been there as well) I found it very helpful to understand what the feeling truly is....insecurity. When I finally accepted that I was the one causing my own grief, it became alot easier to deal with jealous emotions. Mind you, they were still there, but I knew what they were which made it far easier to smile through it. And, just a heads up...DO NOT Play The Passive Aggressive Game!!!
You may very well destroy what you have....I just did exactly that though not over jealousy.

I do understand that one of the root issues is insecurity, so I agree with you there. We were crazy about each other, and I knew that she was waiting for me to ask her to marry her, yet I was still unsure if she would say "yes" back then. It's like I feel like I don't deserve her, or that I don't deserve to be happy. What gives me the right to be this lucky while others take a lifetime and still sometimes don't find their other half? How's that for an insecure question... *sigh*

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

At least you recognize your feelings of abandonment. A lot of jealous types (including myself, more strongly in the past) never get that far. Have you attended counseling to address the trigger of your jealousy, and its consequences for your marriage? Couples counseling never hurts, either. I am a big fan of both, have done both, and seen wonders happen to other couples who are committed to healing themselves in this manner. It's the very least you can do if you are at the point of "saving" this marriage vs. walking away...

Posting on the TFP and reading the responses seems theraputic to me. There's a saying that if only we could see ourselves as others see us - which I think is exposed when posting on an open forum like this. People don't tend to pull punches when typing on a keyboard - so I appreciate everyone's candid replies.

I'm not trying to defend my position being the jealous person - I'm just trying to look at the view from the other side of the board to help me rationalize through what I know is something that doesn't make sense to my emotional side. Logic tends to rule my life more than emotions, but the problem is sometimes my emotions take over, and things go to crap.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

I cant speak to the jealousy bit, because I've never been that way and if I encountered a potential partner that was that way it didnt go anywhere because I dont deal with that kind of insecurity (which is what I see that it is), so I will speak to the bad mood thing. I am of the opinion that if you cant be in a bad mood around your partner because of a bad day, and you have to be pleasant around them no matter what....what good are they? Thats one of the reasons they are there. As long as you're not beating the shit out of them because your mad....why should you have to "put on a face"? They are your significant other for a reason....and if you're married, you've promised to stand by them in good times and bad....that goes for moods too

But at what point is enough enough? It's extremely disheartening to watch her smile, laugh, and have a great time with others for the day, and then frown all the way home and the next morning when only with me. I appreciate that it's nice to know that she doesn't have to "put on a face" for me, but I feel that I get emotionally beat up a lot. I'm usually the one in the happy mood, but trying to get her out of a funk sometimes taxes me to the point where now I'm grumpy - and having two grumpy people doesn't help anyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedmedia

I can speak to both of these from my own experience and I can say that a little bit of both jealousy and misplaced anger are both natural and tolerable.

But as far as I'm concerned, in excess they both stem from a sense of insecurity and immaturity that are expelled from the self and used to lash out others, especially those closest to us. And both of them will poison your marriage.

But all that said...it might be a good idea to pursue some form of therapy. You could have some minor depression or bipolar issues going on. Brain chemistry. A lot of things that people chalk up to self-controllable issues such as immaturity and insecurity can often be chalked up to an irregular functioning of the brain. Similar to many other types of bodily disorder so don't get down on yourself just yet - it's just an organ, after all. Just get yourself checked out.

Hmmm - my mom was fine for years and just one day kinda snapped and had an emotional breakdown. Perhaps it might be a good idea to check on myself in case it's hereditary. Thanks for the heads up.

soundmotor · 08-13-2007, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlocke

Perhaps it might be a good idea to check on myself in case it's hereditary. Thanks for the heads up.

Maybe, but.....

First & foremost Merlocke you have a fine, positive attitude. Understanding that you are having an emotional vs. rational response to me means you are nearly to where you want to be. Too many go through life without ever being able to make that distinction.

Good Luck!

abaya · 08-13-2007, 10:39 AM

There is nothing wrong with counseling. There is nothing to lose from trying it, either individually or with your spouse. Given the issues you are bringing up in your posts... you seem a prime candidate, to me... especially your communication patterns with your wife. That shit goes much deeper than you think.

mixedmedia · 08-13-2007, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlocke

Hmmm - my mom was fine for years and just one day kinda snapped and had an emotional breakdown. Perhaps it might be a good idea to check on myself in case it's hereditary. Thanks for the heads up.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry if my post came off presumptuous, but I hate to see people avoid getting help because they reject that their problems with irrational thought may be out of their control. I don't mean to presume that you have a problem that is in need of medical help - I'm just a big proponent of dispelling the taboos people seem to have about seeking medical help for thinking patterns that they can't control. I was witness to ten years of the devolution of someone who felt that way.

I'd also like to note that I was under the impression that the 'grumpiness' you were referring to was your own. The fact that I believed you were talking about your own jealousy and your own anger led me to go as far with my statement as I did.

evilbeefchan · 08-25-2007, 04:14 AM

Hey Merlocke, I hear where you're coming from. For me, I had to really think about why i was behaving in such a way, when logic dictates that everything is fine. Hope my story helps in any way. Long post, bear with me.

I've been with my gf for almost 2 years, it's my 2nd serious relationship. Everything's going great, til she starts acting nervous when I'm walking around her as she's on her pc. I'm thinking it's odd behavior, but try not to think of it. As she goes to shower, my curiosity gets the better of me as glance at the screen and catch her IM conversation with her friend. I read a bit, she's just looking for a present for my birthday. Big sigh of relief, right? But I keep scrolling, cuz I'm a horrible person, and she had also been talking about a guy that goes to the same university as us. Deal with him is that they used to talk, but stopped, and now he acts weird whenever I'm in the room. Apparently they had some feelings, but never came to fruition. Her friend wants to know whats going on, etc. So now they're talking again, and it scares me.

I confront her about it, she gets angry about me reading her conversation (rightly so, I may add), and my emotions take over my logic. She says nothing is happening, but my emotions tell me she's lying. I press the issue, as she tries to figure out what issue there really is. The night ends with lots of anger and confusion.

We call each other later, as I've managed to calm and humble myself down. She explains that they're friends and that's it. I talk about my insecurity. Should be the end of it.

But the next couple of days, I'm restless. I want to badly damage this guy. My hands visibly shake at work. I'm a wreck. It's not until I vent to my friends and online that things start to make sense.

My first serious relationship ended quite crappily. I had long suspected her of seeing someone behind my back, and it turned out to be true. She never told me face to face, but things have a natural way of revealing themselves (myspaces, etc).

This was my problem. I never truly came to terms with that first relationship. I tried to move on by forgetting about it as quick as I could. That worked for my logical side, but my emotions stayed attached. So while I got angry at my current gf, I was really getting angry at my ex, that relationship, that point of time in my life. Pints with the boys and time with my TFers was all the therapy I needed.

Putting your thoughts to words, and then publishing them for everyone and anyone to see is scary, but ultimately very therapeutic. I'm hoping you receive some comfort from the words of total strangers.

Merlocke · 06-26-2010, 10:33 PM

Funny how things turn out. I can't believe those fights from before anymore, and we've got two kids now. Life sure does change quickly. No more jealously issues that's for sure. Potty training for 2 year olds? Now that's another issue... In case I never replied to any of your replies before, I just wanted to say thanks everyone. This is the magic that makes the tfp such an awesome community.

amonkie · 06-26-2010, 10:49 PM

If I may ask.. what steps transpired to change your circumstances? It may not work for everyone, but I'd be interested to hear

lurkette · 06-29-2010, 06:16 AM

Wow, yes - I would love to hear the story!

surferlove007 · 06-30-2010, 11:38 PM

I have similar issues with Jealousy...possibly more deep seeded than your own. It boils down to insecurity about my own person and a fear of being hurt in my relationship. We'll put it this way, I've been so burned in the past I feel like I've reached a point to where I do not know if I could handle another disastrous end with someone I love so much. I wrote myself a note on my mirror for the mornings to help me cope with my problems. That and I workout a lot.

The note involves reminding myself not to take things so literal and at face value and to remember that he loves me for me. Enjoy things in the moment instead of worrying about the future. I am responsible for taking care of my mental health, and jealously only taints my ability to handle things in addition to aiding in the decline of my ability to be happy in my own relationship. Matt is aware of my insecurity issues and has been very supportive at helping me to get over that. I've actually considered seeking a psychiatrist to help me deal with issues from my past breakup that I think are still subconciously alive.

Jealousy sucks, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with it.

08-12-2007, 11:17 PM	#1 (permalink)
Merlocke Location: Canada	Dealing with Jealousy I'll start it off with a simpsons reference - because strangely enough, this episode played during a time when I felt like my wife was having an emotional affair with someone else. If you don't watch simpsons, just skip this part. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mommie_Beerest Nothing sexual about it, just that she seems to connect with and be happier with people other than myself. So I wonder - is it better to simply set her free, and part ways so that both of us end up happier in the long run? I love her enough to let her go. I want her to be happy, but I'd like to have happy times in my life as well. -=- I think I've got some jealousy issues that I really have to work out. My wife and I have been together since we were 15/16 (we're now in late 20's) and I've always had a jealous streak to me I suppose. It's just that I never really act on it, and just kind of hold it inside and act passive-aggressive until it builds to the point where I blow up. Then I go and pull something stupid and out of character (eg: Silent Treatment) and things go from bad to worse. Since I've only really been in one long term relationship - I don't get many different views of the world, so I'm wondering if people can shed some light on how to deal with jealousy. A friend of ours is teaching us a new skill - motorcycles. Unfortunately this meant that back when we didn't have our own bikes, she would have to ride with him to the learning destination and therefore share a bike. I know it doesn't mean anything, but I feel uncomfortable when she has to hug someone else. Another time, we were drinking together in a restaurant, and she gets very "huggy" when buzzed. Started putting her head on other people's shoulders, again making me uncomfortable. I've spoken with my wife about these things, so she's definitely trying to stop doing anything that would hurt our relationship, but I wonder if there's anything I can do on my end to stop feeling the way that I do. The logic in my head says that it makes sense the way that she's acting, but the emotional, and I suppose irrational side feels abandoned and wants to break away to stop the pain permanently. I know I've since put up barriers to lessen the pain, but it's also putting a strain on the relationship since I know that I feel farther away now. I know there's a saying that you only ask for advice when you already know the answer, and you just don't like it - but I'm really strapped for ideas on what else I can do from my end - other than just "sucking it up" and dealing with it. Apparently I just bottle it up until it overflows and go crazy. -=- Not to complicate this thread even further, but when you're with your significant other, no matter how bad your day has been, do you at least try your best to be pleasant, and not grumpy to the point where you dampen and sour your partner's mood as well? I don't mean keep it all inside, but I mean, don't just unleash and beat up your partner for things that frustrate you that have nothing to do with them. /end rant. [edited - I tried to use that hide feature, but apparently my brain has stopped working for the night] __________________ -=[ Merlocke ]=- Last edited by Merlocke; 08-12-2007 at 11:34 PM.. Reason: tried to format using hide feature, but failed miserably

08-13-2007, 05:29 AM	#4 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	At least you recognize your feelings of abandonment. A lot of jealous types (including myself, more strongly in the past) never get that far. Have you attended counseling to address the trigger of your jealousy, and its consequences for your marriage? Couples counseling never hurts, either. I am a big fan of both, have done both, and seen wonders happen to other couples who are committed to healing themselves in this manner. It's the very least you can do if you are at the point of "saving" this marriage vs. walking away... __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

08-13-2007, 06:34 AM	#7 (permalink)
mixedmedia has all her shots. Location: Florida	I can speak to both of these from my own experience and I can say that a little bit of both jealousy and misplaced anger are both natural and tolerable. But as far as I'm concerned, in excess they both stem from a sense of insecurity and immaturity that are expelled from the self and used to lash out others, especially those closest to us. And both of them will poison your marriage. But all that said...it might be a good idea to pursue some form of therapy. You could have some minor depression or bipolar issues going on. Brain chemistry. A lot of things that people chalk up to self-controllable issues such as immaturity and insecurity can often be chalked up to an irregular functioning of the brain. Similar to many other types of bodily disorder so don't get down on yourself just yet - it's just an organ, after all. Just get yourself checked out. __________________ Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

08-13-2007, 10:39 AM	#10 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	There is nothing wrong with counseling. There is nothing to lose from trying it, either individually or with your spouse. Given the issues you are bringing up in your posts... you seem a prime candidate, to me... especially your communication patterns with your wife. That shit goes much deeper than you think. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

06-26-2010, 10:33 PM	#13 (permalink)
Merlocke Location: Canada	Funny how things turn out. I can't believe those fights from before anymore, and we've got two kids now. Life sure does change quickly. No more jealously issues that's for sure. Potty training for 2 year olds? Now that's another issue... In case I never replied to any of your replies before, I just wanted to say thanks everyone. This is the magic that makes the tfp such an awesome community. __________________ -=[ Merlocke ]=-

08-12-2007, 11:32 PM	#2 (permalink)
Midnight Banned Location: Chicago's western burbs	Hey merlocke. I hear ya on the jealousy bit. I have always been the same. it sucks. for us AND our partner. I'll never really get over it, but an exceptionally wise man told me: "You know he's (or in your case she's)yours, he (she) knows he (she) is yours, so long as his(her) lips and hands arent where they dont belong, and no one is touching HIM (HER) where they shouldnt be - what the hell does it matter - You're the one whos bed he(she) ends up in at the end of the day. The last voice they hear and the first voice they hear when they wake up - is yours. Make those words be meaningful ones, and know that every time they leave you, youve done all you can to make them want to come back to you at the end of the day. Do all that, and then never worry about it again." My grandfather told me that. he and my grandmother were married for 62 years when he died. you can bet i'm going to believe what he had to say when it comes to relationships. I've never seen two people more in love than my grandparents. they started off as young as you and your wife did. Dont know if that helps you any, but I hope it does. hugs Midnight

08-13-2007, 06:12 AM	#6 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Personally, (yes I have been there as well) I found it very helpful to understand what the feeling truly is....insecurity. When I finally accepted that I was the one causing my own grief, it became alot easier to deal with jealous emotions. Mind you, they were still there, but I knew what they were which made it far easier to smile through it. And, just a heads up...DO NOT Play The Passive Aggressive Game!!! You may very well destroy what you have....I just did exactly that though not over jealousy.

08-25-2007, 04:14 AM	#12 (permalink)
evilbeefchan Addict Location: Alhambra, CA	Hey Merlocke, I hear where you're coming from. For me, I had to really think about why i was behaving in such a way, when logic dictates that everything is fine. Hope my story helps in any way. Long post, bear with me. I've been with my gf for almost 2 years, it's my 2nd serious relationship. Everything's going great, til she starts acting nervous when I'm walking around her as she's on her pc. I'm thinking it's odd behavior, but try not to think of it. As she goes to shower, my curiosity gets the better of me as glance at the screen and catch her IM conversation with her friend. I read a bit, she's just looking for a present for my birthday. Big sigh of relief, right? But I keep scrolling, cuz I'm a horrible person, and she had also been talking about a guy that goes to the same university as us. Deal with him is that they used to talk, but stopped, and now he acts weird whenever I'm in the room. Apparently they had some feelings, but never came to fruition. Her friend wants to know whats going on, etc. So now they're talking again, and it scares me. I confront her about it, she gets angry about me reading her conversation (rightly so, I may add), and my emotions take over my logic. She says nothing is happening, but my emotions tell me she's lying. I press the issue, as she tries to figure out what issue there really is. The night ends with lots of anger and confusion. We call each other later, as I've managed to calm and humble myself down. She explains that they're friends and that's it. I talk about my insecurity. Should be the end of it. But the next couple of days, I'm restless. I want to badly damage this guy. My hands visibly shake at work. I'm a wreck. It's not until I vent to my friends and online that things start to make sense. My first serious relationship ended quite crappily. I had long suspected her of seeing someone behind my back, and it turned out to be true. She never told me face to face, but things have a natural way of revealing themselves (myspaces, etc). This was my problem. I never truly came to terms with that first relationship. I tried to move on by forgetting about it as quick as I could. That worked for my logical side, but my emotions stayed attached. So while I got angry at my current gf, I was really getting angry at my ex, that relationship, that point of time in my life. Pints with the boys and time with my TFers was all the therapy I needed. Putting your thoughts to words, and then publishing them for everyone and anyone to see is scary, but ultimately very therapeutic. I'm hoping you receive some comfort from the words of total strangers.

06-26-2010, 10:49 PM	#14 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	If I may ask.. what steps transpired to change your circumstances? It may not work for everyone, but I'd be interested to hear __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

06-29-2010, 06:16 AM	#15 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Wow, yes - I would love to hear the story! __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

06-30-2010, 11:38 PM	#16 (permalink)
surferlove007 Junkie	I have similar issues with Jealousy...possibly more deep seeded than your own. It boils down to insecurity about my own person and a fear of being hurt in my relationship. We'll put it this way, I've been so burned in the past I feel like I've reached a point to where I do not know if I could handle another disastrous end with someone I love so much. I wrote myself a note on my mirror for the mornings to help me cope with my problems. That and I workout a lot. The note involves reminding myself not to take things so literal and at face value and to remember that he loves me for me. Enjoy things in the moment instead of worrying about the future. I am responsible for taking care of my mental health, and jealously only taints my ability to handle things in addition to aiding in the decline of my ability to be happy in my own relationship. Matt is aware of my insecurity issues and has been very supportive at helping me to get over that. I've actually considered seeking a psychiatrist to help me deal with issues from my past breakup that I think are still subconciously alive. Jealousy sucks, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with it.