Thanks much to everyone who's replied so far.
It really does help to just vent and hear other's points of view on things.
Ok - here goes...
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Originally Posted by Midnight
Hey merlocke. I hear ya on the jealousy bit. I have always been the same. it sucks. for us AND our partner. I'll never really get over it, but an exceptionally wise man told me:
"You know he's (or in your case she's)yours, he (she) knows he (she) is yours, so long as his(her) lips and hands arent where they dont belong, and no one is touching HIM (HER) where they shouldnt be - what the hell does it matter - You're the one whos bed he(she) ends up in at the end of the day. The last voice they hear and the first voice they hear when they wake up - is yours. Make those words be meaningful ones, and know that every time they leave you, youve done all you can to make them want to come back to you at the end of the day. Do all that, and then never worry about it again."
My grandfather told me that. he and my grandmother were married for 62 years when he died. you can bet i'm going to believe what he had to say when it comes to relationships. I've never seen two people more in love than my grandparents. they started off as young as you and your wife did.
Dont know if that helps you any, but I hope it does.
*hugs*
Midnight
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Thanks for the words of advice. I know that we are there for each other in the end, but I suppose it's stems down to an insecurity issue. I know the solution to the problem is between my own ears, but hearing stories like this does help.
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Originally Posted by soundmotor
I cannot figure out why you would attach such significance to these non-events? She rode on someone else's motorcycle; so what? She got buzzed & put her head on someone else's shoulder; so what? Look at them for what they are rather than attach something else to them. You have been with or around her for nearly 15 years. That of itself should be a thunderbolt telling you where her loyalties are and, most importantly, that she is willing to deal with your petty & immature behaviour.....and come back for more. Your last paragraph nails it too. "and not grumpy to the point where you dampen and sour your partner's mood as well?" Do you think you are the only one that has a bad day? If you want your relationship to last, and I think you do, it is time to grow up and realize that it takes two. Your marriage is an e-q-u-a-l partnership not you tirading to her about how she makes you feel.
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Ah, but there's the kicker. I do understand that these are non-events. However I also repress larger issues alongside the non-issues. Eventually, it's a non-issue that's the straw that breaks the camel's back, and suddenly an overflow of memories of previous fights and arguments come flying back at me all at once. (that's the part that I have trouble with) At that point, my logical side conks out, and my emotional side is all that's left, and let's just say that when my left brain is in control, things tend to go smoother.
Perhaps it's me just holding off my negative feelings and venting them elsewhere, and trying to maximize the positive emotions with my significant other only that brought me to this situation in the first place. When she has a bad day, sometimes she does take it out on me, but I'm there to support and help her feel better. When I have a bad day, I try to vent it elsewhere to not spoil her good mood if she's in one.
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Originally Posted by tecoyah
Personally, (yes I have been there as well) I found it very helpful to understand what the feeling truly is....insecurity. When I finally accepted that I was the one causing my own grief, it became alot easier to deal with jealous emotions. Mind you, they were still there, but I knew what they were which made it far easier to smile through it. And, just a heads up...DO NOT Play The Passive Aggressive Game!!!
You may very well destroy what you have....I just did exactly that though not over jealousy.
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I do understand that one of the root issues is insecurity, so I agree with you there. We were crazy about each other, and I knew that she was waiting for me to ask her to marry her, yet I was still unsure if she would say "yes" back then. It's like I feel like I don't deserve her, or that I don't deserve to be happy. What gives me the right to be this lucky while others take a lifetime and still sometimes don't find their other half? How's that for an insecure question... *sigh*
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Originally Posted by abaya
At least you recognize your feelings of abandonment. A lot of jealous types (including myself, more strongly in the past) never get that far. Have you attended counseling to address the trigger of your jealousy, and its consequences for your marriage? Couples counseling never hurts, either. I am a big fan of both, have done both, and seen wonders happen to other couples who are committed to healing themselves in this manner. It's the very least you can do if you are at the point of "saving" this marriage vs. walking away...
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Posting on the TFP and reading the responses seems theraputic to me. There's a saying that if only we could see ourselves as others see us - which I think is exposed when posting on an open forum like this. People don't tend to pull punches when typing on a keyboard - so I appreciate everyone's candid replies.
I'm not trying to defend my position being the jealous person - I'm just trying to look at the view from the other side of the board to help me rationalize through what I know is something that doesn't make sense to my emotional side. Logic tends to rule my life more than emotions, but the problem is sometimes my emotions take over, and things go to crap.
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Originally Posted by ShaniFaye
I cant speak to the jealousy bit, because I've never been that way and if I encountered a potential partner that was that way it didnt go anywhere because I dont deal with that kind of insecurity (which is what I see that it is), so I will speak to the bad mood thing. I am of the opinion that if you cant be in a bad mood around your partner because of a bad day, and you have to be pleasant around them no matter what....what good are they? Thats one of the reasons they are there. As long as you're not beating the shit out of them because your mad....why should you have to "put on a face"? They are your significant other for a reason....and if you're married, you've promised to stand by them in good times and bad....that goes for moods too
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But at what point is enough enough? It's extremely disheartening to watch her smile, laugh, and have a great time with others for the day, and then frown all the way home and the next morning when only with me. I appreciate that it's nice to know that she doesn't have to "put on a face" for me, but I feel that I get emotionally beat up a lot. I'm usually the one in the happy mood, but trying to get her out of a funk sometimes taxes me to the point where now I'm grumpy - and having two grumpy people doesn't help anyone.
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Originally Posted by mixedmedia
I can speak to both of these from my own experience and I can say that a little bit of both jealousy and misplaced anger are both natural and tolerable.
But as far as I'm concerned, in excess they both stem from a sense of insecurity and immaturity that are expelled from the self and used to lash out others, especially those closest to us. And both of them will poison your marriage.
But all that said...it might be a good idea to pursue some form of therapy. You could have some minor depression or bipolar issues going on. Brain chemistry. A lot of things that people chalk up to self-controllable issues such as immaturity and insecurity can often be chalked up to an irregular functioning of the brain. Similar to many other types of bodily disorder so don't get down on yourself just yet - it's just an organ, after all. Just get yourself checked out.
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Hmmm - my mom was fine for years and just one day kinda snapped and had an emotional breakdown. Perhaps it might be a good idea to check on myself in case it's hereditary. Thanks for the heads up.