Jealousy - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

hoops85pu · 07-08-2007, 08:33 AM

Hi, I'm a new user here. I have really enjoyed reading a lot of the responses on the boards at tfp, so I thought I would post a problem I have run into,hoping for some insight on where to go.

Anyways, here is the problem. My last serious relationship ended almost a year ago, I have had the same problems as everyone else, trying to cope without seeing someone you love everyday. The relationship was getting rocky towards the end, she started to smoke weed again and we both didn't feel the same for one another. I blame the drugs but she blames me for being to "controlling". One of the things that eats away at me with any woman I have found out is jealousy. I'm a very jealous person when it comes to woman and I hate it. Whenever my ex was going out somewhere , even to class or work I would always be worried about who she would meet. I would even feel this when we would go to a club/party and she was in the same room with me.

.....1 year later...

If I start talking to a woman and she intrests me then I start to become jealous as soon as she leaves. EVEN if I have only held a 10 minute conversation with her. I have no reason for this at all and maybe someone can help me. I'm 22, still going to college, playing college basketball, consider myself handsome but for some reason this is tearing me apart and I don't know how to handle it. Thanks for reading.

LoganSnake · 07-08-2007, 08:58 AM

During the times when I'm single and I talk to girls/women that I like I am immediately jealous of everyone even though I often lack the courage to ask them out. However, this feeling peaked back when I was in High School and is waning down as I get older. My current girlfriend has always gotten along with guys better than with girls and has more guy friends with whom she hangs out. Recently she went out with a classmate that she's met last semester to Chinatown and they are going to see a play this Friday. In addition to being a guy, he also has long hair, which is her ultimate weakness. While I am a little uncomfortable with this, I trust her. I believe that it's the key. How well did you trust your ex?

hoops85pu · 07-08-2007, 09:09 AM

I trusted her when she wasn't drinking. There were quite a few nights when I would be with her and she would wake up the next morning and say something like "I don't remember that". So I guess that worried me the most, and led me to not be able to trust her. I was always afraid of her "not remembering" being with another guy.

match000 · 07-08-2007, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoganSnake

Recently she went out with a classmate that she's met last semester to Chinatown and they are going to see a play this Friday. In addition to being a guy, he also has long hair, which is her ultimate weakness. While I am a little uncomfortable with this, I trust her. I believe that it's the key. How well did you trust your ex?

Well I guess since you guys aren't engaged or married that's allowed... I mean how else are you supposed to play the field? Go out 1-1 with a long-hair guy (esp if you are into long-haired guys)..

Not trying to sow seeds of mistrust in you, but it sure does sound like a date to me..

LoganSnake · 07-08-2007, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by match000

Well I guess since you guys aren't engaged or married that's allowed... I mean how else are you supposed to play the field? Go out 1-1 with a long-hair guy (esp if you are into long-haired guys)..

Not trying to sow seeds of mistrust in you, but it sure does sound like a date to me..

I don't think it's a valid point. Even if we were engaged or married, I still wouldn't be able to tell her who to hang out with. I expect the same from her.

match000 · 07-08-2007, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoganSnake

I don't think it's a valid point. Even if we were engaged or married, I still wouldn't be able to tell her who to hang out with. I expect the same from her.

I suppose so. By that point there should be enough trust that neither would cheat.

Or that, both would actually AVOID situations where romantic emotions can develop... (since they love each other so much.. why allow situations where cheating can happen, happen)

In this case, it seems like she is playing the field. I suppose since you allow it, you can do the same too? lol

xepherys · 07-09-2007, 12:52 AM

I don't see it as playing the field at all. My wife has guy friends. I have girl friends. Neither of us (as far as I know, and we talk about it now and then) have any worries.

As to the OP, I used to be jealous, too. But here's my line of thinking (and it works in situations outside of love as well)...

If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat. There's really nothing you can do about it. If you don't try to control her, then she has significantly less reason to do so. In fact, showing that trust really helps build stronger relationships. But as I said, if she was going to cheat, she'd do it either way. You can't MAKE somebody not cheat on you. So, what's the point in being jealous? Without the jealousy, one of two things will happen. She will fall for someone else, and you have to accept it, or she won't, and she'll love you all the more for trusting her with her guy friends.

Sultana · 07-09-2007, 08:36 AM

Good advice from Xepherys. Also, I commend you for recognizing your issue, that's half the battle right there!

I'd recommend seeing a counselor for a while and see if you can develop different ways to view behavior and responding to externals, while still being true to yourself and your gut feelings.

If you can do this now, before you're in another serious relationship, you will be improving yourself and your chances for success exponetially.

Good luck!

xepherys · 07-09-2007, 10:48 AM

Just to throw another twopence into the mix... I personally don't recommend seeing a counselor right off the bat. Recognition is a good thing. Past that, sometimes you just have to "dig down deep" and "soldier up" as the sayings around here go. Counseling isn't BAD, it's just not always necessary. See if you can't fix yourself first. Knowing what you know about yourself, just start convincing yourself that being jealous is a waste of emotional energy. If nothing else, take my argument from the post above and explain to yourself that it's just the reality of it and you have no control over what someone else does. Why be pissed or upset if you have no control?

shesus · 07-10-2007, 06:24 AM

Jealousy does has a lot to do with trust as is mentioned in previous posts. However, that's not the only reason so let me put another thought out there.

I used to be an insanely jealous person. I would snoop and accuse left and right. Then I dated a person that was more jealous and controlling than me. That cured me of it, sort of.

What I found out about me was that it wasn't so much the trust issue as a self-esteem issue. I had very low self-esteem which came with depression and suicidal tendencies. I couldn't understand why a person would stay with me and that caused me to be jealous. I found that age and working on self-esteem pretty much squelched my jealous tendencies.

I still sometimes will have irrational jealous moments, but nothing that is detrimental to the relationship. In fact we laugh about them because they come out of no where and have no justification whatsoever.

That green-eyed monster can get out of control if not kept in check. I found that the people who brought out the most jealousy in me were not good for me in general. It's just another filtering tool for finding the person that is right for you.

I second about the counseling thing. I wouldn't go just for being jealous unless it's spurring anger issues or is caused by low self-esteem that you can't fix by yourself.

katyg · 07-10-2007, 09:06 AM

Hello,
Do you ever smoke the weed yourself? I find I am quite a jealous person but it gets x10 worse when I smoke. Also, generally when I become jealous when not smoking it's because I'm not feeling good about myself, it has a lot to do with low self esteem and a fear of being hurt. In a way, it protects you, it drives people away so they can't hurt you...does any of this sound familiar? I would suggest counselling too, it has helped me in the past. Good luck x

Strange Famous · 07-10-2007, 10:25 AM

I can't give you any good advice, but not really caring that much has always protected me from feeling jealous.

But if you know that youre feelings are unusual and not justified, that is the main thing - as long as you keep it in mind. At the end of the day, if someone is going to cheat on you they will whether you feel bad or indifferent about it - controlling behaviour is just one thing to make it more likely because it will make them unhappy to be with you.

hoops85pu · 07-13-2007, 01:36 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses,sorry I havent written back in a while. I have considered going to a counsler, but i'm still in college and im poor

. I don't know how much of a benefit a counsler would be considering I already know what drives me crazy. I don't do drugs, btw. The only thing that has helped me clear my mind is working out. I usually spend about 2 and a half hours lifting weights or using the body bag everyday, just to get anger out and clear my mind. Afterwards, I usually feel fine. On top of that I have a lot of people trying to convince me to use steroids so that I can get up to 300 lbs quicker. But I have heard the whole "rage roids" issue involved in that, and that is the only thing that is scaring me. It's really weird, just the other day I met a nice girl, we talked for a few hours and I went home. The next day I found myself trying to drive by her apartment just to see who was at her house. I've only talked to her once! lol and no im not a stalker. That night I drove myself insane all over the same thing, I think I might look into some sort of medication, I really don't know whats wrong with me. Thanks, again. I will come back with some updates soon.

Strange Famous · 07-13-2007, 02:34 PM

Mate, every college has a free counseller.

I went to counselling when I was in college (cos I was having panic attacks) - it didnt give me any epiphany, but it did help.

I can tell you already... a counseller wont give you any answers, or even try to explain things for you (whether you alreadk know or not) - they will simply sit and listen and mildly support what you are saying and encourage you to open up.

It really can help just to sit there and talk to someone who wont offer any judgement.

Perhaps medication would help, I have no clue... but I think the fact you are coming here to say these things means you feel yourself you want to talk about it, to clear the air of your mind... and a counseller is simply a person to do that to in "real life" rather than the net.

You know that following that girl home would have been a bad choice and you didnt do it, thats the difference between having a problem and being crazy (and you probably do have a problem and you probably arent crazy)

Whatever you do, I'd think about the counselling, but you need to address these feelinds somehow buddy. Good luck with it. And you are right not to do steroids. Regardless of making you angry or not, they will give you acne and a heart attack in your late 30's - and who needs that?

Sultana · 07-13-2007, 04:22 PM

Wow, doing weights or punching a body bag for over two hours every day is a lot of rage/agner/issues to work out. It's good that you're dealing with it "naturally", but I ahve to think that there is something more productive you can do to deal with the issue, rather than the symptoms, you know?

The only reason you drove by that gal's house was to see if someone else was there, the day after you met her? I'm sorry, but I think you could do with some professional assistance--and no shame there, it's just faster and more efficient. They show you the tools to use to deal with things better, is all. Like taking a wood-working class for your head, ya know?

07-08-2007, 08:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
hoops85pu Upright	Jealousy Hi, I'm a new user here. I have really enjoyed reading a lot of the responses on the boards at tfp, so I thought I would post a problem I have run into,hoping for some insight on where to go. Anyways, here is the problem. My last serious relationship ended almost a year ago, I have had the same problems as everyone else, trying to cope without seeing someone you love everyday. The relationship was getting rocky towards the end, she started to smoke weed again and we both didn't feel the same for one another. I blame the drugs but she blames me for being to "controlling". One of the things that eats away at me with any woman I have found out is jealousy. I'm a very jealous person when it comes to woman and I hate it. Whenever my ex was going out somewhere , even to class or work I would always be worried about who she would meet. I would even feel this when we would go to a club/party and she was in the same room with me. .....1 year later... If I start talking to a woman and she intrests me then I start to become jealous as soon as she leaves. EVEN if I have only held a 10 minute conversation with her. I have no reason for this at all and maybe someone can help me. I'm 22, still going to college, playing college basketball, consider myself handsome but for some reason this is tearing me apart and I don't know how to handle it. Thanks for reading.

07-08-2007, 08:58 AM	#2 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	During the times when I'm single and I talk to girls/women that I like I am immediately jealous of everyone even though I often lack the courage to ask them out. However, this feeling peaked back when I was in High School and is waning down as I get older. My current girlfriend has always gotten along with guys better than with girls and has more guy friends with whom she hangs out. Recently she went out with a classmate that she's met last semester to Chinatown and they are going to see a play this Friday. In addition to being a guy, he also has long hair, which is her ultimate weakness. While I am a little uncomfortable with this, I trust her. I believe that it's the key. How well did you trust your ex? __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

07-09-2007, 12:52 AM	#7 (permalink)
xepherys <3 TFP Location: 17TLH2445607250	I don't see it as playing the field at all. My wife has guy friends. I have girl friends. Neither of us (as far as I know, and we talk about it now and then) have any worries. As to the OP, I used to be jealous, too. But here's my line of thinking (and it works in situations outside of love as well)... If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat. There's really nothing you can do about it. If you don't try to control her, then she has significantly less reason to do so. In fact, showing that trust really helps build stronger relationships. But as I said, if she was going to cheat, she'd do it either way. You can't MAKE somebody not cheat on you. So, what's the point in being jealous? Without the jealousy, one of two things will happen. She will fall for someone else, and you have to accept it, or she won't, and she'll love you all the more for trusting her with her guy friends. __________________ The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible... -- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato My Homepage

07-09-2007, 08:36 AM	#8 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Good advice from Xepherys. Also, I commend you for recognizing your issue, that's half the battle right there! I'd recommend seeing a counselor for a while and see if you can develop different ways to view behavior and responding to externals, while still being true to yourself and your gut feelings. If you can do this now, before you're in another serious relationship, you will be improving yourself and your chances for success exponetially. Good luck! __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

07-09-2007, 10:48 AM	#9 (permalink)
xepherys <3 TFP Location: 17TLH2445607250	Just to throw another twopence into the mix... I personally don't recommend seeing a counselor right off the bat. Recognition is a good thing. Past that, sometimes you just have to "dig down deep" and "soldier up" as the sayings around here go. Counseling isn't BAD, it's just not always necessary. See if you can't fix yourself first. Knowing what you know about yourself, just start convincing yourself that being jealous is a waste of emotional energy. If nothing else, take my argument from the post above and explain to yourself that it's just the reality of it and you have no control over what someone else does. Why be pissed or upset if you have no control? __________________ The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible... -- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato My Homepage

07-08-2007, 09:09 AM	#3 (permalink)
hoops85pu Upright	I trusted her when she wasn't drinking. There were quite a few nights when I would be with her and she would wake up the next morning and say something like "I don't remember that". So I guess that worried me the most, and led me to not be able to trust her. I was always afraid of her "not remembering" being with another guy.

07-10-2007, 06:24 AM	#10 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	Jealousy does has a lot to do with trust as is mentioned in previous posts. However, that's not the only reason so let me put another thought out there. I used to be an insanely jealous person. I would snoop and accuse left and right. Then I dated a person that was more jealous and controlling than me. That cured me of it, sort of. What I found out about me was that it wasn't so much the trust issue as a self-esteem issue. I had very low self-esteem which came with depression and suicidal tendencies. I couldn't understand why a person would stay with me and that caused me to be jealous. I found that age and working on self-esteem pretty much squelched my jealous tendencies. I still sometimes will have irrational jealous moments, but nothing that is detrimental to the relationship. In fact we laugh about them because they come out of no where and have no justification whatsoever. That green-eyed monster can get out of control if not kept in check. I found that the people who brought out the most jealousy in me were not good for me in general. It's just another filtering tool for finding the person that is right for you. I second about the counseling thing. I wouldn't go just for being jealous unless it's spurring anger issues or is caused by low self-esteem that you can't fix by yourself. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

07-10-2007, 09:06 AM	#11 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	Hello, Do you ever smoke the weed yourself? I find I am quite a jealous person but it gets x10 worse when I smoke. Also, generally when I become jealous when not smoking it's because I'm not feeling good about myself, it has a lot to do with low self esteem and a fear of being hurt. In a way, it protects you, it drives people away so they can't hurt you...does any of this sound familiar? I would suggest counselling too, it has helped me in the past. Good luck x

07-10-2007, 10:25 AM	#12 (permalink)
Strange Famous follower of the child's crusade?	I can't give you any good advice, but not really caring that much has always protected me from feeling jealous. But if you know that youre feelings are unusual and not justified, that is the main thing - as long as you keep it in mind. At the end of the day, if someone is going to cheat on you they will whether you feel bad or indifferent about it - controlling behaviour is just one thing to make it more likely because it will make them unhappy to be with you. __________________ "Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered." The Gospel of Thomas

07-13-2007, 01:36 PM	#13 (permalink)
hoops85pu Upright	Thank you everyone for your responses,sorry I havent written back in a while. I have considered going to a counsler, but i'm still in college and im poor . I don't know how much of a benefit a counsler would be considering I already know what drives me crazy. I don't do drugs, btw. The only thing that has helped me clear my mind is working out. I usually spend about 2 and a half hours lifting weights or using the body bag everyday, just to get anger out and clear my mind. Afterwards, I usually feel fine. On top of that I have a lot of people trying to convince me to use steroids so that I can get up to 300 lbs quicker. But I have heard the whole "rage roids" issue involved in that, and that is the only thing that is scaring me. It's really weird, just the other day I met a nice girl, we talked for a few hours and I went home. The next day I found myself trying to drive by her apartment just to see who was at her house. I've only talked to her once! lol and no im not a stalker. That night I drove myself insane all over the same thing, I think I might look into some sort of medication, I really don't know whats wrong with me. Thanks, again. I will come back with some updates soon.

07-13-2007, 02:34 PM	#14 (permalink)
Strange Famous follower of the child's crusade?	Mate, every college has a free counseller. I went to counselling when I was in college (cos I was having panic attacks) - it didnt give me any epiphany, but it did help. I can tell you already... a counseller wont give you any answers, or even try to explain things for you (whether you alreadk know or not) - they will simply sit and listen and mildly support what you are saying and encourage you to open up. It really can help just to sit there and talk to someone who wont offer any judgement. Perhaps medication would help, I have no clue... but I think the fact you are coming here to say these things means you feel yourself you want to talk about it, to clear the air of your mind... and a counseller is simply a person to do that to in "real life" rather than the net. You know that following that girl home would have been a bad choice and you didnt do it, thats the difference between having a problem and being crazy (and you probably do have a problem and you probably arent crazy) Whatever you do, I'd think about the counselling, but you need to address these feelinds somehow buddy. Good luck with it. And you are right not to do steroids. Regardless of making you angry or not, they will give you acne and a heart attack in your late 30's - and who needs that? __________________ "Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered." The Gospel of Thomas

07-13-2007, 04:22 PM	#15 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Wow, doing weights or punching a body bag for over two hours every day is a lot of rage/agner/issues to work out. It's good that you're dealing with it "naturally", but I ahve to think that there is something more productive you can do to deal with the issue, rather than the symptoms, you know? The only reason you drove by that gal's house was to see if someone else was there, the day after you met her? I'm sorry, but I think you could do with some professional assistance--and no shame there, it's just faster and more efficient. They show you the tools to use to deal with things better, is all. Like taking a wood-working class for your head, ya know? __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.