MySexyAssJ

::sorry if its kinda long...::

Ever since I was little I've had problems with my older sister. One minute she'll be my best friend and then within a blink of an eye she'll turn on me and be completely rude. This has been an ongoing thing for as long as I can remember and I can't seem to understand it. I've always done right by her. Evertime she has needed me, I've been there for her.

Lately, this has been bothering me more and more because now her husband is doing the same thing. I could be sitting there talking to my sister and she'll ask what I think about something and then her husband will come out of nowhere and say: "shut up you dumb bitch!" and then I'll look at my sister and she'll look at him and laugh and say: "oh, he's just joking hahaha" and I'll say: "what was so funny about that?" and she'll say: "god! you're no fun! take a joke!". It's always that type of shit or it could be... my sister did something and she was in the wrong and she'll realize it and feel bad, but then her husband comes into the picture and he'll change her mind into thinking she wasn't wrong, when clearly she was. Sometimes he'll even witness her doing something mean or rude to someone and everyone there looks at her like "geez" and then he'll be like: "don't worry babe, there is nothing wrong with what you did." He always seems to be supporting her when she does something wrong. I understand that when you're married you have each others back, but I also thought that when your S.O. is wrong about something that they did, you talk about it and figure out ways to fix it.

I don't mean to ramble, but I don't know what to do. I do love my sister, but being around her is bringing me down. Sometimes I can't help but to think that its my fault. I mean, how could people be so mean if it wasn't my fault? I'm so confused. And like I said before... sometimes she'll be my best friend, and then BAM, she acts like I'm the worst thing that ever came into existence. Is it me? Is it my fault?

Does anybody have any advice? because I don't know what to do...

__________________
Once bitten, Twice shy.

Cynthetiq

I do not care if it is family. I do not let anyone treat me like a piece of shit. I also do not allow my wife to do something along the same lines, nor do I expect her to do the same for me.

Pull your sister aside and talk to her about it. If it continues to happen, stop hanging out with them.

At some point in time in your life, you get to decide who you have relationships with and who you spend your time with. If you continue to spend time with them when they continue this bad behavior, then that is your fault.

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Elphaba

In answer to the OP question, absolutely NO. I think you might prefer to know *why* she is behaving this way toward you.

May I ask for some additional information?

- What is your age and your sister's age.
- What other siblings do you have, and their ages.
- How would you describe the parenting style of mom and dad?
- Who are the other people that your sister treats this way?
- Are their people whom she never treats this way?
- Did you know her husband before they were married?

I might have a better understanding of the family dynamics with this info.

shakran

If my wife pulled crap like her husband is pulling, she'd get chewed out, by me, in front of the poor schmuck she did it to. Not that I have to worry about that because my wife isn't a horse's ass.

Pull your sister aside, tell her this crap isn't acceptable and if she wants to continue having a relationship with you, she AND her husband will knock it off, now.

I agree with Cynthetiq. Family or not, no one has the right to treat you like shit.

lurkette

It sounds like your sister probably has some resentment toward you, and who knows where that comes from. But chances are her husband only hears her very skewed side of things, and reacts like an idiot. If you've examined your actions deeply and honestly, and really can't find anything you're doing to upset her, then this is her problem. You have a couple of choices, which you might try as progressive options:

1. request a change of behavior on their part
2. ignore the behavior
3. sever the relationship

I wish you luck - people's motivations are mysterious, and in the end you only control how you react to things.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Rodney

I have an older sister who's treated me more or less like a clod of dirt for coming on 50 years -- she's nicer about it now, but there's still a resentment.

And I found out why, some years ago. She was the firstborn, Mommy's little girl, and my Mom fussed over her constantly and gave her all the attention in the world. Then:

1) I came along, and cut her allocation of attention in half.

2) She decided to run away from home because she was unhappy about it all (at the age of 3!) and my mom and dad, being from a rather stone-age school of child discipline, packed her a bag and shoved her out the door "to teach her a lesson." Of course she came back, but it was traumatic.

3) When I was born, they decided I needed a teddy bear; being frugal, and deciding that the three-year-old daughter was "old enough," they took her teddy bear away and gave it to me! I didn't find out about that for 30 years, but it was obvious that she was still _really_ pissed about it.

So there are reasons that my sister (still) resents me -- but I personally didn't cause any of them. And it could be the same thing in your case. She might envy you for some reason, or the folks might have spent years telling her she should be more like you, crap like that. Or she has other problems, and she feels free to take them out on you because you'll put up with it.

The one thing that's especially bad here is that her husband is encouraging her to take no responsibility for anything she does to you; when she's half ready to be sorry, he jumps in and tells her she doesn't have to be. As long as that dynamic's in place, it's going to be tough to have a relationship. Because he's encouraging her to be antisocial. She may be in danger of losing a lot of friends, not just you.

Psycho Dad

It's not you and it's not your fault. There are two things that I think you don't want to do. Put up with more of this crap and cut ties with your sister. I'd venture there are more people who have estranged themselves with family members that regreted it than felt it was a fantastic idea. That's not to say that severing a relationship is something that has to be ruled out, but it should be a last option in my opinion.

Where does that leave you? It may pretty much leave you with telling your sister what you've told us. Then she should honestly try to respect your feelings, however she may choose not to.

What influence do you suppose your brother-in-law has in this matter? I mean do you think that perhaps his insecuity or other issue is making him drive a wedge between you and your sister?

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Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

MySexyAssJ

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded to my thread. you've all given me a lot of insight with the things that you've said. you definitely made me think about a couple of things, so thank you

and Elphaba.. in response to your questions:

-I'm 23 and she's 26

-its just us 2, no other siblings

-my parents weren't like the best parents when it came to things. they never really handled situations the way they needed to be handled. like for example: lets say my sister was being bitchy when we were little and decided to yank a toy out of my hand and play with it. instead of the telling her that she should give the toy back and ask for it nicely, they'd let it slide. that was their style. they didn't provide a lot of guidance.

-my sister treats a lot of people this way. its hard to pinpoint exactly what type of person it is, but I've noticed that in one way or another, she's been 2-faced to just about everyone.

-most of my sisters friends are the same way she is, except for the fact that they do it to her, not so much her doing it to them. she's pretty nice to them, but they will be quick to do some messed up shit to her. they'd be the ones that she doesn't do it to.

-my sister and her husband got married 3 months after being a couple, so I only knew him for about that long. 3 months or so. other than that I'd see him around because he was friends with my sisters best friends husband, but I never really knew him until they got together.

i hope this information helps


also, in reponse to Psycho Dads question:

i suppose there might be some sort of insecurity that makes him feel like he needs to create a wedge between my sister and i, because I'm the only person he does this to.

__________________
Once bitten, Twice shy.

catback

That's pretty messed up, although it does show that your sister and her husband make a good pair. If the relationship didn't mean anything I'd say sever it but it's family so I'd start sticking up for my self if I were you and start ragging on your sister when she is wrong but doesn't think so or admit to it. Some of that kind of medicine will start to clear her up so long as she takes it.

Elphaba

Your birth order coupled with poor parenting, often leads to family dynamics exactly as Rodney described and what you may also be experiencing. I believe long held resentment is likely behind your sister's behavior toward you, and it's possible that she may not be aware that this is an old pattern.

The only way I can see for her to break this pattern is for you to calmly point it out to her privately. You will always be her younger brother, but you ceased being the baby brother that she is angry with many years ago. Based on what you stated above, she tends to be more respectful of those who will not tolerate her bs. Don't be disappointed if your effort fails, however, because this a pattern of behavior that goes beyond your relationship with her.

I don't know enough about hubby to make anything other than a wild assed quess. He sounds a bit needy and insecure and he may be attempting to isolate your sister from her friends and family. He would ultimately have her to himself.

That's my 2 cents and I recommend you don't give it any more weight than that. You'll know if it rings true or not.

Toaster126

Stand up for yourself, and if toxic people around you make you feel this way, feel free to stop hanging around them.

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Rodney

She's the low dog in her pack, the one that gets the most abuse but wants desperately to be accepted. There may be some self-esteem issues there -- why else would somebody take that crap just to hang with people who abuse her -- and she's acting out on the abuse by doing to you what's been done to her. She can't do it to her "friends," or they'd reject her, but she can do it to you safely, by acting just like they do.

I'm not real hopeful on your chances for a good relationship here. You'd have to really lay down the law to get her attention, and keep laying it down every time she acts up. That would probably inhibit her. A time or two in my young adult years I blew up at my sister (same dynamic) and it helped back her off the worst of her behavior.

But with hubby there backing up her bad behavior, I just don't know. (When I laid it out for my sister, _her_ husband gave me the thumbs-up, literally.)

MySexyAssJ

for an update on my situation...

I spoke with my sister as calmy as possible, but sure enough it turned into a huge shouting match. she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. when I asked her about her husband and the things he does, all she would do is make excuses i.e. "that's just the way he is!", " you over exaggerate!", and "its not his fault that you can't take a joke!". after all her excuses, I asked her how come when he does take it too far, she doesn't stick up for me. her response was: "I didn't hear him!", which is complete bullshit because she watches the whole damn thing and then laughs afterwards. everytime I made a good point, she'd turn it all around on me and pose as "the victim".

after the whole husband thing, I started asking her about the way SHE treats me. I brought up the past and asked her why she seems to have resented me ever since we were little kids. I was always a good sister to her. I never did anything wrong. I went on from there and questioned her on her 2-faced ways.. i.e. she treats me like her best friend one minute and then turns around and acts like a complete bitch. she just stood there quietly and I told her that all these years "I stood up for you!", "all these years I showed you unconditional love!" "all these years I NEVER judged you!" and "all I get is shit in return!" I went on to tell her that I don't deserve to be treated this way, that in fact no one does, not even her. she tried to avoid everything I just said by bringing up stuff that was irrelevant. she started acting immature and again tried to act like she was innocent. at that time I felt like there was nothing else I could say, which there probably was, but I couldn't think of anything. instead of flashing on her some more, I told her.. "from the look of things, you don't seem to give a shit about me, and after noticing this, I don't see how you expect me to show how much I care about you". I know that it was probably a really mean thing to say, but at that time, its how I felt.
I'm hoping I did/said the right things. I also hope that she thought about the things I said. more than anything though, I hope she doesn't turn to her husband, because if she does, he's gonna turn everything I said upside down and it would've all been for nothing..

__________________
Once bitten, Twice shy.

Willravel

She isn't ready to listen yet. I suggest that you hang out with your other family: your friends. I know that when I have trouble with family, I always have people there who I can turn to, and likewise I am there for them. Family can be a very wonderful or terrible thing.

Brewmaniac

Seems to me all you need is space and some backbone. If your hangging out and she starts acting hositle just tell her if she dosn't stop you'll leave and do so if it dosn't stop immeditly. If the boyfriend calls you a Bitch, sorry I don't need to put up with abuse, and walk out. He is going to wreck something your sister wants sometime and when you walk out, she's going to be all over his ass!
Don't do that to my sister.

Respect your self enough to walk away. Maybe something will rub off!

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"That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son"

Rodney

You did the right thing, and you said the right things; that last thing you said wasn't mean -- it was how you've been feeling about a bad situation that she's causing. The truth might be hard for her to take, but it _is_ the truth, and by soft-pedaling it you'd be giving her permission to not take it seriously.

If it was just you and her, I'd say a couple of sessions like this, along with setting boundaries like Brewmaniac said, would have some effect. But then there's that brother-in-law....

I'm usually the first one to say, cut the problem person loose and hang with somebody else. But I do know that with a brother or sister especially you want to make that extra effort, because you do share things and frankly because you're both going to be part of each other's lives in some way until one of you dies anyway. And you have started to make that effort, and in a constructive way I think. But if it doesn't work out.. if it doesn't get through to her or the brother-in-law undoes everything you try to do... you're going to have to back away until another time.

Elphaba

First, please accept my apologies for not recognizing that you are a woman. So much for my great insight.

[quote]I'm hoping I did/said the right things. I also hope that she thought about the things I said. more than anything though, I hope she doesn't turn to her husband, because if she does, he's gonna turn everything I said upside down and it would've all been for nothing..[/quest]

Second, I think you handled the situation very well. Sadly, you sister is not willing at this time to take responsibility for her behavior. It really is up to you now to set the boundaries of your relationship with her as you see fit.

Good luck and happiness to you.

genuinegirly

I'm a fan of putting a little space between me and my sister. I love her to death, and enjoy spending time with her. But that's only when we're not in one another's space all day.

All i'm saying is: yeah, it's junky. But she's your sister. things aren't changing anytime soon, and for the family's sake it's best to keep up with relations. find something that helps you relate. talk to her about it. enjoy conversation occasionally. figure out ways to ditch her without being rude yourself when you've had enough of her junky attitude. She'll have the impression that you love her to death, you'll see the good in her before too long. hostility dissipates when you take away the buttons.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

MySexyAssJ

thank you everyone again for your wonderful insight/advice..

and rodney: i think your sister and my sister would be excellent friends! :P

__________________
Once bitten, Twice shy.

Rodney

For both our sakes, I hope they never meet!

MySexyAssJ

hahaha! maybe you're right!

__________________
Once bitten, Twice shy.

Seer666

At the risk of being rude, your sister sounds like what me and my friends would call a "spinless cunt". I have washed my hands of a great many of my family relations. There is simple some shit I will NOT deal with or put up with from anyone. If I was you, I would walk away in a heart beat. However, I am not saying that that is the best course of action. Just be advised that it is an acceptible one if she doesn't knock that shit off. Talk to her, give her some time to let it set in, and then work it out. If, however, she doesn't snap to, then don't be afraid to wash your hands. Someone being blood does not give them the right to treat you like shit. Some times, you simply have to walk away, for your own sake. Don't be afaid if that is the only option left to you.

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krwlz

Ya know...

No, at the time, she didn't listen. But trust me on this... That simple conversation will probably (not garaunteed, but) make her think things over. When someone tells you youre a bitch, or wrong, or whatever, it's very easy to get worked up and angry. That doesn't mean she doesn't deep down somewhere, know it's the truth.

Give it some time. Having brought it out in the open, she may just rethink he whole attitude, and make an effort to change.