Sage

My biological clock just went off.

It's the wierdest thing... I'm 23, my husband is 23. I have an IUD because my husband and I do not want to have children, if not ever than at least for a good long while. Up until last week, I seriously had no desire to have kids. HOWEVER...

Last week sometime I really felt myself going "Aww... wouldn't it be sweet to have a kid? Someone to raise and care for, to bring love and joy into our lives? A little genetic blend of hubby and me?" To which I responded "What the crap?" because up until that point I've NEVER even remotely considered having kids.

I think a tiny part of it could be attributed to working at the YMCA in their childcare center once a week and being around the kids. However, I specifically like that job because I get to give the kids BACK at the end of the day.

Have any of you ever expierenced this? Being happy and child-free and then all of a sudden thinking "Hrm... I think I want a kid!" It's WIERD...

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lurkette

Yep. I'm there right now, in the middle of the reproductive tug-of-war happening both in my marriage and in my own head. Until about 3 months ago, I was pretty much settled that I would never have kids. And now...

"What the crap?!?" is exactly the response I'm having.

My counselor/spiritual advisor's advice was to just indulge the fantasy for a while, and see if it's something you really want, or just a passing biological imperative. It hasn't really provided a lot of clarity but I've had a lot of insights.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Impetuous1

I'm going through the same thing. Though I'm 31. Time is ticking for me. It's weird because I never really wanted children and never thought babies were awesome or anything. Now I see young children and I feel this really strong urge to have one. It's horrible to say, but now I understand why some women fool men into impregnating them. Not that I would condone it or do it. It also doesn't help that my spinster aunt moved into the same town I live in. I see how lonely she is. Also whenever we encounter children she always fawns over them. I don't want to be her.

Right now I'm in a long term relationship and getting pregnant is probably the last thing I should do since my boyfriend's got a serious genetic condition that has a 50% chance of being passed on to any offspring. But somehow I can't stop thinking about it. I really need to sit down and make some serious decisions. God knows how many eggs I have left!?

Ella

It took me a couple of years to talk my (ex) husband into having a child, and another year or so into having the second one. So both my kids were planned, and completely wanted. I had my first child at 28 and the second at 34, so I had done a heap of partying and travelling and whatever else we do as young free people. So I was well ready to settle down and have kids. But I was ready from about 22 onwards.....

I work in the Australian Social Security system and too often see 16, 17, 18 year old girls choosing to have babies as a career choice. Our Government will give them just over AU$4000 as a lump sum when the child is born and as a single parent they receive approx AU$780 per fortnight in allowances...sometimes more. Sometimes these girls have fallen pregnant without the father's knowledge, and the first thing they know about it is when they get the letter regarding how much maintenance they need to pay.

Having kids is one of life's crucial decisions and people should really not make the decision lightly.

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"Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure."

pornclerk

It's totally normal to have those feelings every now and again. Last month I was a little worried because I had forgotten to take my pill and my boyfriend and I had unprotected sex.

When my period came, I have to admit being somewhat disappointed. I don't really know why. I guess part of me liked the thought of being pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, I would never try to get pregnant behind my boyfriend's back and then surprise him with the news. That would be a totally bitchy thing to do.

I can say though that I am not ashamed of having those feelings. They are part of human nature. It's important to react to those feelings in a responsible way.

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Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?

lurkette

I dono...several days ago I was 100% sure I wanted kids. Having spent the last 24 hours out with a stomach virus, puking and feverish, I don't know that I could handle morning sickness

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Mrs Master

I had my first at 19 and my second at 26. I was the neighbourhood baby sitter for years growing up, often for free becaused I loved and doted on children and babies. I thought having a suprise pregnancy at 19 was managable even though a shock. My first mistake was the thought that I could have a little person to love me and be loved by me, someone who would grow in mine and his fathers image, dreaming of the many pround occasions I would be witness to. Its a romantic thought but not real. The novelty wears off in no time, and Im not just talking about the dirty nappy, sleepless night stage, that was easy. As my boys have become older they have developed into people that are nothing like me. One, Im a girl, cant do girly things with boys, I dont even know what boys like to do, except for what my partner tells me. They lie, are self centred, messy, manipulative, and challenging in every way possible. They will push every boundry I set and my god I have to remain consistent, thats not easy once they know your weaknesses. Once they're at school the costs $$$ wise becomes a big issue. Theres a lot more peer pressure out there these days for parents to provide material rubbish so that my son can have what little Johnny has, and every parent seems to be suckered into it, hence the added pressure.

'Johnny has a new computer in his room, johnny has an x box, johnny has a mobile, johnnys going to dreamworld, seaworld and movieworld on the Gold Coast for school holidays, why do we have to go camping?'

"Because you havent earned those hundreds of dollars."

'neither has johnny.'

"No, his parents are victims of fashion and people pleasing, and so are 70% of the other mums and dads of the kids in your class."

(Then they feel left out if you dont, and dont invite their friends over because our place is boring, they have to actually use their brains and play).

The list here is nothing, 1%, and I feel as though Im competing with all the other mums when I dont give it .

Ive lost sight of the woman I once was and find child rearing a very painful exercise with the challenging moments far out weighing the proud ones. Not what I orginally thought it was going to be like. Just wanted to give you a little reality check before you decide. Make sure too that if you and your partner were ever to break up, you are not just mum but mum and dad.

The ironic thing is, about once every 6 months I start dreaming about having another one. You work it out.

Sugarmouse

Mrs Master what you have described is exactly as I would imagine child rearing to be..you obviously get thru it know and understand it.
I dont think I am cut out to be a mother though at all ..I dont thnk it would do me any good, and I do not think I would be any good at it.I say I dont want children and I do not think I will change my mind, for many many reasons.But I do think about what would happen if I had a moment like that that sage experienced! i mean I never will know!

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Sugarmouse=Festered

abaya

Yep, that's pretty much why I waited until I was 24 to start having sex, and ever since then have used both hormonal BC and condoms every single time (I'm 27 now). Even as an only child who didn't have much exposure to young children (never babysat, never hung around my friend's siblings), I have very little curiosity about becoming a parent. Children just plain annoy me, and they always have. Little self-centered bastards.

I don't want anything to do with children right now, and it would take a miracle to conceive. That said, the fact that we are getting married in 3 weeks has made us consider at least giving up the condoms for a few weeks each month... since then, if we did get pregnant, at least we'd be married and able to support the child. But even so, we don't particularly want to *try* having kids until we're both closer to (or, ideally, beyond) 30 years old and more settled with a house, jobs, etc. Right now we want to give ourselves time to grow out of *our* little self-centered bastard stage before even attempting to provide for another all-demanding being.

And yes, on a regular basis I do look at kids and think, "How cute!! I want one!"

...and then in the next instant, I bash myself on the head with a figurative frying pan. I'll keep doing this for as long as my frying-pan reflexes are strong enough to overcome my biological clock. When the time comes that my bio clock is stronger than my resistance to it... then I'll know it *might* be time to *think* about having a child.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

snowy

I want children, but I know now is not the time. My desire to have kids has been strong for a long, long time, but I want to have a foundation in place before I do have them. My plan is to wait until I'm at least 30--which would be 6 years from now.

As for children being selfish--I would say that some people are just as selfish in their reasons not to have children. Most children aren't selfish--they're very giving and loving. But like us, they all have their points where they don't want to share.

What most people find funny is that I have spent a lot of time working around children--as a babysitter through high school, a nanny during summers, doing daycare work, and now as a nanny again--and I still love kids. I still want my own. I've had to clean up pee, puke, and poop, but it hasn't changed anything. I still want to have my own.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Gilda

I'm 29, soon to be 30, and I feel the biological tug almost every time I see or interact with a child. I'd kill to be able to have a child of my own, but as someone said above, it would be miraculous for that to happen, both because I'm sterile and because I haven't had sex with a man in about seven years now.

An accidental preganacy simply isn't possible, so if we do have a child it will definitely be the product of a lot of planning, and very wanted. We spent a little time earlier this year trying to get Grace pregnant, but backed off more recently to give me some time to deal with my depression and social anxiety. It would not be good to inflict those on a child. It may turn out that I'll never resolve those satisfactorily to the point that I'm capable of being a good parent, which would deeply sadden me, but I do have to think of the welfare of the child before my own selfish desire to be a mother.

As much as I want this, no child deserves to have a mother with my emotional problems. Maybe next year, maybe five years from now I'll be fully certain that I'm ready. Grace is ready now, but won't push, and is willing to wait until I'm ready. Everything else is in place--financial stability, two loving parents, a good home, good female role models in Grace and Sissy and males in my brother, Grace's brothers and father, a nice community in which to grow and learn, good schools. The only missing ingredient is my emotional state. I grew up with a depressed mother, and the result was me. I won't do the same to a child, because I wouldn't want her to end up like me.

But Grace is just 25, so we have a good decade to get me mentally healthy and get started. I'm not all that concerned with "enjoying my youth". I just want to get healthy first.

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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Sugarmouse

wow cj2112 I just read the thread.Pretty admirable stuff.Even from a non-maternal mind though, i canot imagine any woman being able to desert her children in that way.

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Sugarmouse=Festered

*Nikki*

I am just shy of 7 months pregnant now and I have never had 'morning sickness' maybe I was lucky, but I know a few others who didn't either.

My clock started ticking right after I got married. I had been in a six year commited relationship previously and I never felt as strongly as I did about wanting to have a child until I was actually settled down in marriage. Then all of a sudden I wanted it more then I wanted anything else in life! It's amazing how that feeling happens to women. I am not around any children at all, so that definately was not something that fueled my fire. It was just this strong internal feeling that was pulling at me.

Lady Sage

I took the batteries out of my clock and threw them away. Any reason I may have wanted to have kids went out the window when I saw them sewing my best friend up after she gave birth... and all of the after care of the next 6 hours I provided for her. I would take care of her every day for the rest of my natural life but I dont ever EVER want to go through it myself.

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If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open.
It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper
Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

Mrs Master

When I said selfish it had nothing to do with sharing, thats something that can be taught quite easily. My children can give and love, more often than not its because they want something in return. I dont mean to sound so sour on children, I just wish someone had told me that when I had a choice. My children were born into this world relying totally on me to provide for them in everyway, love, food, encouragment, clothing, shelter, hugs, disipline, guidance and so much more. They take so much more than they can give back, its the reality of parenting. My whole point I guess was, if you value your own sanity as well as your childrens be prepared to be overflowing with all of the above because you will come out somewhat drained at the end of it.

Just about anyone can have children, thats the problem, in todays society it is not a decision to be taken lightly.

genuinegirly

I'm frightened of having a child. But in many ways it still appeals to me. I will appreciate those days when they come. In the meantime, I have a niece and 2 nephews to spoil.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

hagatha

I sometimes wonder if the "biological clock" is part biology part societal pressure.
I think I had one second of wanting a kid and then it passed. I want kittens more than I want children. Whenever I see a kitten my heart melts, when i see a baby I just feel my throat constricting.
Does that make me a bad person?

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Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

Sultana

If you're a bad person, we both are then. Company is fun!

I occasionally have dreams where I discover I'm preggers, and the reaction is *always* the same: "Shit!" and panic. In my dreams I often neglect the babies to death. That's not a good feeling. Makes me wonder about myself. I mean, I know dreams are not to be taken seriously, but this is a recurring thing.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

hagatha

Actually, I've had a few pregnancy dreams myself. After the initial panic subsides, I analyse them. Popular belief has pregnancy dreams to mean birth of new ideas. If you dream that you're neglecting your baby, maybe it means you're not paying attention to an idea that could be fruitful.
Just a thought.

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Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

ryfo

Hagatha and sultana, my SO is the same.... Kinda turns green at baby poo and chuck up but if it doggy or kitty sick she deals with it without a fuss. Also everytime her clock starts ticking, there just happens to be kitties around. The original cat lady...

Sue

I work at a pediatrics office. I see kids of ALL ages. I'm not comparing them to animals or anything, don't get me wrong. I LOVE kids. But working there is like working at an animal shelter or hospital. You just want to take them all home.

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

hunnychile

As an older tfp lady, I have to admit that I always swore I didn't want kids for lots of reasons - one mainly was that I was too immature even at 30 and also my hub said he didn't want them ever. We were both from very disfunctional families. Fast forward many years...all our friends have kids. They all seem happy (tired & busy all the time). My clock started going off gang busters as I approached the magical age of 38. I felt unfulfilled as a woman because I never had a baby. Almost like it's the main reason women exist & it's a honor. And when you really adore your hubby, isn't it natural to want little ones to carry on your legacy? I dunno... Secretly I planned to get preggers and just act surprised and play the Oops card. Well, guess what? I never got pregnant. Not that we didn't make love often. Maybe I knew he'd be upset or maybe he was shooting blanks, I didn't know why I wasn't getting pregnant. Depression set in big time. I carried that burden alone for many years while wishin inside I had a child to love and raise. More years passed & I realize the window has closed totally for me. I'm still married but not very happy at all. So now I volunteer teach at a local Sunday school to get my "kid" time. My advice to any of you considering getting pregnant...talk honestly to your SO/hub/lover. Don't wait until it's too late and you have regrets like I do. Had I married a baby-lovin' man we'd have made or adopted two by now and they'd be part of my happy home & life. Think long & truthfully...hunnychile

p.s. I'm currently looking to get a puppy.

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Hash_Browns

For those of you that are taking the time to <i>really</i> think about this:

I am 27 years old and I just celebrated my third little girls b-day in August. I have a 7 year old and a 4.5 yr. old also. I got preggers at 19 and had her at 20. I had always wanted to be a Mom. I am the oldest of 13 grandchildren, and helped raise them all from the time I was old enough to hold them and feed them.

I will however admit that some of the things that Mrs. Master said do ring true in daily life. But for us, we talk to our girls and have spent time teaching them about why the things they might want, aren't always best for them. My girls are still young, but I hope to instill values in them that happiness can't be bought.

I enjoy my kids and I find that seeing them smile is a great reward for helping them finish their homework so they can go play, or hugging the tears away when they fall down and seeing them happy again. Yeah, food costs money, cloths the same as well as everything else that comes with having more mouths to feed and cloth, but that's something that is expected when you get preggers, theres no avoiding that. There is a way to avoid setting yourself up to have to dress them like everyone else, or buy them all the same toys as everyone else. They might not like it right away, but as they get bigger, they will start to understand the values you were trying to instill in them.

Does this mean that I don't lose my damn mind somedays...absolutely not! I go nuts all the time. Three girls at young ages can be very demanding and emotional. My eldest is very sensitive and requires a lot of attention. My middle child (I hate having a 'middle child'...haha) is very bousterous! They call her Crystal the Pistol, and when she hasn't had a nap...OMG! Everything is loud and whiney and obnoxious (like 3 secs ago because her sister wanted a toy...) The baby is easy right now, but give her a month and we will have to rechild proof everything, and she will be exploring it all at every chance she gets.

I have horrible days when I just want to crawl up in a corner and go back to bed because they are attacking me from all sides with 100 gazzilion questions and needs and this and that, but I don't and can't, so I stick it out and take a few deep breaths and remember, I brought them here...it's my job to care for them and teach them and respect that these are my 'duties' as a mother.

I have to admit, my biggest help, is my very understanding husband. He comes home from work somedays playing my Knight in Shining Armor. He takes a few mins to enjoy being home, then gives me a break if I need it. I get to go out once a week to bellydance classes, used to be twice for another class. We take turns being able to sleep in on the weekends and he doesn't bite my head off if I haven't done anything cuz I've had a bad day and didn't want to.

Is this an ad to have kids though? No! Its just my opinion and experience as a parent. I like talking about it, and I love talking to people who wonder what its like and question do they really want to have kids. It's a struggle and 18 years min. of 25hr/8day/366day work. But in my simple opinion, so far is it worth it? For me it is, yes. Do the people that I know that have had planned pregnancies felt it was worth it? Yes. Even those you haven't really planned it but wanted it...yes. But will anyone be able to tell YOU if you're ready...nope! Do you ever feel ready...NOT IN THE LEAST! But do you make it work...absolutely! You find a way to make ends meet and then do it.

Being a parent is all in perception. If you perceive yourself as not being ready...you won't be. If you perceive yourself as doing a 'bad' job, or not being 'good' enough, you never will be. But if you face it head on and remind youself you are doing everything you can to the best of your abilities...then you will. I know, I've done it both ways. I am very proud of my children and proud to be their Mom.

I also have the want to have another one...in a couple years...maybe. Hubby thinks I'm crazy beause I do lose my mind with the three I have already, but what can I say...I love being pregnant! That's an awesome feeling, and one I can't describe.

Again, I respect those of you who have chosen to not have kids. I have friends who have made the same decision, they thought I was going to say the normal...well you just don't understand, having kids is great! But that's not how I feel, it's a choice and a big one and more people should be as awesome as you to think about it first! It is a crazy world we live it, and I miss those days when I could do whatever I wanted and party and enjoy my life as ME! not as Mom. But soon enough, for me, the kids will be grown and by that time, I will still only be in my 40's and will have the $$ to afford doing all those things in 'style' hehe.

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Smile It makes people wonder what you're up too!

hunnychile

This entire thread has been very helpful and healing for me and I commend all the ladies who have posted their feelings and shared so much of themselves with the rest of us here.

Thanks again to all the tfp ladies.
hunnychile

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

NovaDawn

As a childless nanny, doula and massage therapist who specializes in prenatal care, I can certainly empathize with many of the sentiments posted here. Especially as of late!

Just yesterday I attended the birth of my friend's second child and I'm finding my desire to experience pregnancy, birth and motherhood to be exponentially heightened. I've taken care of a lot of kids and have witnessed first hand the pains of parenting. Any delusions I may have had about parenting have disappeared long ago through dealing with the unpleasantries of unconsolablly crying babies, exploding diapers, sugar-high children who bite, and other generally challenging behaviors. The joys, in my experience, far outwiegh the horrors. Perhaps this is because I can leave the kids with their parents at the end of the day, go home, cuddle with my cat and have a good nights sleep. Still, I can't seem to let go of this biological/emotional urge. Though I'm only 27, it seems time unforgivably passes all too quickly yet painfully slow.

Presently, I'm in a relationship which is continually and organically growing into something quite unexpected and beautiful, but unfortunately, it has limitations. Basicly, my partner doesn't want kids. I love my partner deeply and respect his wishes, but I keep finding myself wishing he'd change his mind on the issue. I have no desire to find a different partner AND I want a kid... it's a paradox that seems unresolvable accept through painful compromise (on my part)! Despite all this, I recognize on a practical/rational level that I'm not in a position to have kids right now anyway. However, knowing it's a possibility or better, a probablity, would make it so much easier.

Then I wonder, how can I transform my desire for mamahood into creative expression? After all, I need some way to quench my unfulfilled cravings for creating a baby. Perhaps the realization of a creative vision can be enough for now...

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Arrrrrgh!

Mrs Master

If the feeling remains, cook up a his favourite dinner, flatter him to the eyeballs and say.......



Maybe just

hunnychile

Hi Sage,
How are you doing after you heard your "clock ticking" and posted a while ago? Just curious, as we ladies are all in here sharing those mama/nesting/babies/fullfillment feelings and our current life situations.

I almost have an OK to get a puppy. Sounds stupid & immature, if not just silly, but a pup will help me get through a cold long wiinter in northern Ohio.

This is one thread that could probably live long after I'm gone! Not that I plan to leave soon.

Anyhow let's hear how you are girlfriend!
hunnychile

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

la petite moi

I wanna know how you're doing too, Sage. nwlinkvxd and I have been discussing having our own child- and I'm only 20! Arf!

Anyway, I guess I should take my time, eh?

Sage

Well, I've been working with the kiddies still in the babysitting ward of the YMCA, and I recently got a job as an Assistant Site Director with an afterschool program that the YMCA is running. After seeing what the kids start acting like once they hit 7 or so, I have gone back to really, extremely not wanting a kid. It was a nice dose of reality to see what those cute little babies turn into!

I would recommend ANYONE who's thinking of having a kid spend more time around children of all ages, just to get a feel for what you'd be in for if you did have a child.

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