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I'm 29, soon to be 30, and I feel the biological tug almost every time I see or interact with a child. I'd kill to be able to have a child of my own, but as someone said above, it would be miraculous for that to happen, both because I'm sterile and because I haven't had sex with a man in about seven years now.
An accidental preganacy simply isn't possible, so if we do have a child it will definitely be the product of a lot of planning, and very wanted. We spent a little time earlier this year trying to get Grace pregnant, but backed off more recently to give me some time to deal with my depression and social anxiety. It would not be good to inflict those on a child. It may turn out that I'll never resolve those satisfactorily to the point that I'm capable of being a good parent, which would deeply sadden me, but I do have to think of the welfare of the child before my own selfish desire to be a mother.
As much as I want this, no child deserves to have a mother with my emotional problems. Maybe next year, maybe five years from now I'll be fully certain that I'm ready. Grace is ready now, but won't push, and is willing to wait until I'm ready. Everything else is in place--financial stability, two loving parents, a good home, good female role models in Grace and Sissy and males in my brother, Grace's brothers and father, a nice community in which to grow and learn, good schools. The only missing ingredient is my emotional state. I grew up with a depressed mother, and the result was me. I won't do the same to a child, because I wouldn't want her to end up like me.
But Grace is just 25, so we have a good decade to get me mentally healthy and get started. I'm not all that concerned with "enjoying my youth". I just want to get healthy first.
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I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.
~Steven Colbert
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