Twinkling

Hi, i was wondering if anyone ever found porn on their boyfriends' computers. this is just what happened yesterday, and i'm really upset about it, shoudl I ? I thought about doing the same thing he does, that is watch porn too as a "little vengeance" ... even though its really a stupid and immature...anyways, i'd like to know some porn sites free, and not "dangerous", because every single time i try to find ones, i almost always get sites about "hot chicks" you see, and its quite frustrating...

Thanks,
Twinkling

mixedmedia

Hi, Twinkling.
In my opinion it would be ever so normal to find porn on your boyfriend's computer. I don't have any hard data, but I am sure that a very large percentage of men with internet access spend at least some of their time looking at porn on the internet. I wouldn't worry about it too much. And as far as getting back at him, unless you genuinely want to look at it, you're not going to get much satisfaction that way. Try asking him if you want to look at it together......I'll bet he's game.

Grasshopper Green

I don't know why men are stereotyped as being pornaholics. LOTS of women look at porn too, and have healthy relationships with their mates. I'm sure if I looked enough, I'd find my hubby's stashes on the computer somewhere, but I'm not that concerned with it. He certainly wouldn't think of me looking at porn "vengeance"...he'd think it was hot and want to do it with me. If it really bothers you, talk to him about it...don't try to get back at him. That will just strain your relationship further.

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"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

Sage

Communication

Communication

Communication

Talk to your boyfriend. If you're in a relationship you should be at least mature enough to talk about sexual matters. It's porn, porn is fine, porn is normal, there's ten zillion threads about porn here on the TFP that can enlighten you as to the aspect of porn in relationships. Talk to your boyfriend. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. There's also ten zillion threads about relationships and communication therein here on the TFP. Talk to your boyfriend. Why were you on your boyfriend's computer anyway? How long have you been dating? How old are you two? Is he your first serious boyfriend? Talk to your boyfriend. Communication is your friend.

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Impetuous1

Yeah, guys looking at porn is completely normal. It's if he completely loses interest in you or starts looking at porn made by people that he knows, that you have to worry. Like sage said, communication is key. I think I joked about revenge in another thread. I wouldn't recommend it.

However, this makes me want to bring something up. I know I'm diverting the topic. But, I'm a tad bothered because my boyfriend looks at asian porn. Almost every other day and I'm not asian. He told me that it shouldn't worry me. I'm not so sure since there is a history there. He's been faithful to me since we last had problems. However, those problems were with asian women. I don't want to go into great detail since I'm pretty much over our past problems but I can't help that this worries me. Maybe I should start a new thread.

little_tippler

Normal...though if you're having relationship problems it can be annoying....

Like Sage said...Communication. That's the key.

Maybe if you guys talk about it, you can end up watching it together!

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

savvypup

Right on Medusa! I enjoy looking at porn on the internet. Don't get me wrong, I don't overdo it, but I do find the female and male bodies a very big turn on. All my past partners have enjoyed watching porn and I think it's quite healthy. I would be upset if I discovered it hidden though.

Once you're not so upset, perhaps broach it as a thing you can enjoy together. He might not be comfortable bringing it up if you're not keen. Give it a go though. Add some spice!!

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ciao bella!

mixedmedia

Let's just say that it's normal for anyone to look at porn... and if it's hidden from you, maybe he doesn't feel comfortable broaching the subject just yet. Perhaps he thinks you will be judgmental or critical of him. Or he considers it a matter of his privacy. I'd say just take it slow. If you confront him with it, he might take offense to you snooping. He hasn't broken any rules or betrayed you.....so try not to take it personal. Because, trust me, it's not.

abaya

Porn = normal, unless you're an evangelical Christian. Then again, I'd be willing to bet that even some of them sneak a peek, now and then. (I went to an evangelical university and the school tried to ban all on-campus computers from going to websites with sexual references... didn't work.)

At the very beginning of my relationship w/ktspktsp, I didn't understand porn very well. Then again, I didn't understand much of anything very well, so we both had a lot of explaining to do. But it took less than a year of honest talking, going back and forth, exploring our sexual relationship and what turned each of us on... and I think I'm much healthier for that, now.

I do look at porn (when I have the time!!) and enjoy the "good" kinds (usually female-produced, but not always), and I'm not talking about soft porn here. I like it XXX most of the time, nothing spared! We both enjoy knowing that the other person has been masturbating lately (because we are in a long-distance relationship). We have watched porn together and apart, and I feel it has not impacted our relationship negatively whatsoever, as long as we are open and honest about it.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Sugarmouse

I have to agree porn is not usually a problem it is the communication...he may not be directly hiding his porn habit from you , he mayjust beleive itis nota big deal,doesnt affect you.or he may think it would upset you so does not tell you andmay be thinking this does not matter as it does not affect the way he feels abtou you, and he does not look at porn when he should be with you..talk to him!how exactly are you feeling about it yourself though?is it because you feel he is comparing you?are you upset about the porn or the fact he did not tell you about it?clarify it in your own head before approach..
personally,it would not bother me.i look at porn and it does not affect my relationships.if it does nt affect anyone, it does not matter IMO.i do not expect this to bother anyone, so i wouldnt bother if i found out my man was doing it.
NB,thisapplies unless he wasl looking at porn i did not agree with , twisted,offensive or illegal images etc..

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Sugarmouse=Festered

Sage

About the thing with the looking at asian porn...

Porn is fantasy, pure and simple. It's something naughty, voyeuristic, and it gets the tiddily bits excited. Part of that fantasy is looking at things that aren't real, and would probably never happen. Hentai is a good example of this. So's all those porns where the pizza guy comes over and ends up having a three way with two twins in a sorority house!

Again, COMMUNICATION. One of the best parts about porn is variety- you can find porn of anything, any body shape, any hair color, any fetish, any position, any place, any time, ANYTHING! Remember that what visually excites one person isn't necissarily what that person wants when they are in a relationship/have sex. If your BF loves you, loves having sex with you, and provides a supportive, nurturing enviroment for you within your relationship, then what turns him on visually is simply that- his visual turn on. I find lesbian latex fetish porn hot as hell, but I don't want to knock fetish shoes with two other girls who happen to be lesbians!

TALK to your boyfriends and your SO's ladies! Women have so many hang-ups about porn, and I've found that in 99% of relationships, none of what is going on in the woman's head about porn is really happening! Watching porn doesn't mean your SO doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't find you beautiful or sexy, and it certianlly doesn't mean he wants to have sex with someone else. Make an effort to talk with your SO about porn, and discuss how you feel and how he feels about it. Talk about your sex life, talk about how you each like sex, what you'd like to try, books you'd like to read. Realize each other's full sexual potential, do it together, have fun in the process!

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Twinkling

Thanks a lot for the advices. I just think i shouldn't worry...i've been going out with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and i'm sure he's really in love with me. Our relationship's fine, i guess i just panicked. Like he told me, he's been watching porn for a long, long time, much before he was going out with me, and he just continued, so it's probably all right, but still how can he tell me i'm beautiful and sexy if he's been watching sex bombs for eternity?!? i'm like almost nothing compare to these porn stars, so i can he really think what he says when talking about my
appearance ???

Oh, and to answer to "Sage", well i went on my boyfriend's laptop because he was in the shower. he knew i was going to go on it, i do it often and he doesn't really care. So, i was searching music and found videos he had forgotten to delete, as he told me...

Anyways, its my first serious relationship, same thing for him, so it would be stupid to stay upset about it any longer confused

Twinkling

Sage

BECAUSE HE'S WITH YOU AND NO ONE ELSE!!!

And because watching people have sex is hot! People are visual creatures. It's a hell of a lot faster for most people to watch some porn to get aroused than to sit with their eyes closed and fantasise. Plus you get all the details sketched out for you- and you get to watch people have sex. That's hot. Guys masturbate a hell of a lot more than most women, that's normal, that's ok, that's what I'd do if I had a penis. Women are usually taught to cover up their bodies, be modest, and above all don't flaunt their sexuality. Guys are generally taught to get out there and put as many notches on their belt as possible. This leads to very different views of sex by men and women, and problems between them in communicating about sex with the topic comes up.

Honey, if you've been with this guy for 2 years and you're just now learning about his porn... I think you need to talk more with your BF about your sexuality, and go off and explore your sexuality more! Once again, I recommend The Guide to Getting It ON! by Paul Johannes. Best sex book ever. Also, cruise on over to www.goodvibes.com - it's a site that celebrates women's sexuality. They publish a lot of books on sex, and the company and website are all done by women for women.

Remember, sex is more than just inserting Tab A into Slot B and then repeating- it's connecting with your partner, enjoying your lover's body, releasing tension and becoming closer with your SO. Explore your sexuality, take charge of it, enjoy it- that's what it's there for! Sex is FUN, all aspects of sex are FUN! Don't look at discovering your BF's porn as a "bad" thing, look at it as a wonderful chance to become closer with him through exploring your sexuality and the sexual chemistry in your relationship!

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uptown

Okay porn = fantasy and we use fantasy to escape the dull,mundane real time world right ?

so that means our men use porn to escape their dull,mundane,routine sex lives with us ?

women in porn= women who our men drool over but with whom most of our men wouldn't stand a chance with ?

so that means our men merely settled for us as the best they could get ?

playing devil's advocate here because some of the standard stuff that's used to explain/rationalize porn consumption actually has some rather sharp inplications if you sit down and think about it.

mixedmedia

I realize you are just throwing ideas out there.....

But I think those are pretty pessimistic ways to look at it. We all use fantasy, but not necessarily to escape, but simply to indulge ourselves. I don't know about anyone else, but I fantasize about sexual things that I don't particularly desire or perhaps ever want to take place in real life. To say that men fantasize because they would rather be with someone "prettier" or "sexier" is a little unfair. Also, to infer that because we may not score high on the "pornstar" scale that we are second best is a little defeatist. Not to say that there aren't totally shallow men out there who will only settle for a Jenna Jamison clone, just that most men know that value is more than skin deep when it comes to someone you want to spend your life with.

Just my take on your advocation there.

Grasshopper Green

My husband thinks I'm hot. I'm toting 25 more pounds than I did when he first met me, have grey hair, stretch marks from hell, and am starting to show some age around my eyes. My husband STILL thinks I'm hot, and tells me this almost every day, even though he watches "sex bombs" on porn sites. Porn is fantasy; give your guy more credit than thinking he must be comparing you to a porn actress and feeling you come in a distant second.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

uptown

"porn is fantasy""

ok, and we fantasize why exactly ?

Grasshopper Green

I don't share your pessimism, and if you don't know why people fantasize, I'm not explaining it to you.

__________________
"They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king"

Formerly Medusa

uptown

I think of fantasy as an escape from the routine,boring mundane reality
of life and I'm betting lots of other people do as well.

mixedmedia

But that doesn't mean most people are thinking "this is the way I would prefer my life to be everyday." I think that depends on how satisified you are with your life.

Sultana

Fantasy, like everything else in life, is what you make it.
You will never know (and by know I mean fully understand the motivation for, plumb all the depths of), or control anyone else's fantasies but yours.

So you gotta let it go.

What's that Serenity Prayer thing again?

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

ClostGoth

I've gotten jealous of porn stars in recent years even though I enjoy watching it. I know the problem is with my own self esteem, but how can I help it? The gals my guy likes to watch are SO much different than me that it's hard to feel desirable in their wake. No, my husband is not shallow. He doesn't even have any desire to have sex with these girls in real life. But does that make me feel better about my own body? A resounding NO. It's like the old joke, "Oh, she has a GREAT _personality_." Yeah, she's got a great heart, I love her, and she's SO smart! But when you want a good time, dial www.hotbabes.com... (That wasn't supposed to be a real link - I was just making it up! ) Sometimes (not often) I feel like he _has_ to look at those pretty girls so that he CAN "be with" me. I'm not enough on my own. And yes, even I can see the glaringly obvious lack of self esteem and damaged ego that causes thoughts like that... I've had three kids. And I'm approaching 30. And my current lifestyle changes (and thyroid and health problems) have caused me to gain what is (to me) a lot of weight. So I feel I'm justified in being worried that my husband still likes to look at girls that look the way I _used_ to... Somehow I've gotten off my main point, and I'm supposed to be writing a paper for school... I guess this if affecting me emotionally more than I thought it was. We _should_ all love ourselves for who we ARE and not who we want to see when we look in the mirror. So how do we achieve this goal? How do I love my own body when I can't help but compare it not only to what it _used_ to look like, but what I know for a fact that my husband enjoys looking at???

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mixedmedia

Well, first off, I just want to say I didn't mean to trivialize this issue. I think most people are susceptible to insecurity about their looks in comparison with others, at the very least, occasionally. Unless, of course, one is a raving egomaniac. But I do think it is important to realize that sexy doesn't necessarily equate with beauty and vice versa. If I were feeling the way you described above, I would talk about it with my husband (if I were married right now).......I am sure that he would want to reassure you and tell you what he finds sexy about you.......plus y'all'd probably get all hot talking about it . But just knowing those things about yourself can do a lot for your self-esteem. There is so much more to getting your head into sex than the visual. Even for men, I hear, lol. Fantasies are hot and often pretty, but real life is just not like a fantasy. Every man I've ever known has looked at porn and fantasized about exquisitely beautiful women, but not a one of them has been so enamored of their fantasies that they are not interested in the opportunity for hot sex right in front of them. Sounds to me like you just need a little confidence in your "hot factor." I know after having children (I have three, too!) and trying to manage a full life, us women can forget that we are still sexual, desirable creatures, but it is still there. Sometimes it takes a little patience and/or effort to re-awaken that part of ourselves if we have neglected it. I don't know, I could just be rambling on saying nothing helpful or significant. My main point is, I guess, talk to your husband. Let him help you feel sexy again. Find out what rattles his cage and do it! And vice versa, of course.....hope this doesn't sound trite.

mixedsubstance

I've had my experience of finding it when it's been hidden, and yes I was upset. But I have learned to accept that it is a natural male impulse- almost like programming in their minds. And I've also accepted the fact that I do find some of it enjoyable. My SO and I are still working past this matter- meaning that I have yet to convince him that I am okay with it, but that I would enjoy watching/viewing it with him and as long as it's not vulgar and too hardcore. Hey, I am sure it would bring extra spice to our relationship!

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Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions

1010011010

I can count on one hand the number of porno clips I've seen in which I thought any of the people involved were notably physically attractive. Unless you're grotesquely unattractive (and not in the way that a runway supermodel is grotequely unattractive), you're probably selling yourself short.

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Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions