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Originally Posted by ClostGoth
I've gotten jealous of porn stars in recent years even though I enjoy watching it. I know the problem is with my own self esteem, but how can I help it? The gals my guy likes to watch are SO much different than me that it's hard to feel desirable in their wake. No, my husband is not shallow. He doesn't even have any desire to have sex with these girls in real life. But does that make me feel better about my own body? A resounding NO. It's like the old joke, "Oh, she has a GREAT _personality_." Yeah, she's got a great heart, I love her, and she's SO smart! But when you want a good time, dial www.hotbabes.com... (That wasn't supposed to be a real link - I was just making it up!  ) Sometimes (not often) I feel like he _has_ to look at those pretty girls so that he CAN "be with" me. I'm not enough on my own. And yes, even I can see the glaringly obvious lack of self esteem and damaged ego that causes thoughts like that... I've had three kids. And I'm approaching 30. And my current lifestyle changes (and thyroid and health problems) have caused me to gain what is (to me) a lot of weight. So I feel I'm justified in being worried that my husband still likes to look at girls that look the way I _used_ to... Somehow I've gotten off my main point, and I'm supposed to be writing a paper for school... I guess this if affecting me emotionally more than I thought it was. We _should_ all love ourselves for who we ARE and not who we want to see when we look in the mirror. So how do we achieve this goal? How do I love my own body when I can't help but compare it not only to what it _used_ to look like, but what I know for a fact that my husband enjoys looking at???  |
Well, first off, I just want to say I didn't mean to trivialize this issue. I think most people are susceptible to insecurity about their looks in comparison with others, at the very least, occasionally. Unless, of course, one is a raving egomaniac. But I do think it is important to realize that sexy doesn't necessarily equate with beauty and vice versa. If I were feeling the way you described above, I would talk about it with my husband (if I were married right now).......I am sure that he would want to reassure you and tell you what he finds sexy about
you.......plus y'all'd probably get all hot talking about it
. But just knowing those things about yourself can do a lot for your self-esteem. There is so much more to getting your head into sex than the visual. Even for men, I hear, lol. Fantasies are hot and often pretty, but real life is just not like a fantasy. Every man I've ever known has looked at porn and fantasized about exquisitely beautiful women, but not a one of them has been so enamored of their fantasies that they are not interested in the opportunity for hot sex right in front of them. Sounds to me like you just need a little confidence in your "hot factor." I know after having children (I have three, too!) and trying to manage a full life, us women can forget that we are still sexual, desirable creatures, but it is still there. Sometimes it takes a little patience and/or effort to re-awaken that part of ourselves if we have neglected it. I don't know, I could just be rambling on saying nothing helpful or significant. My main point is, I guess, talk to your husband. Let him help you feel sexy again. Find out what rattles his cage and do it! And vice versa, of course.....hope this doesn't sound trite.