KinkyKiwi

i dont LIKE to be needed....i NEED to be needed.

i can be really insecure and i need to know that i have a special role to play in each persons life...especially my SO..i need to be reassured of it.

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Squishor

Although several people have expressed similar opinions, I think SiN said it in the way I relate to most.

I'm not much of one for being needed, and I tend to shrug off or resent any such obligations. That's why I've never had any children, for example. However, when I look at my life I observe that I have structured it in such a way that I am needed on a smaller scale - I always have some pets (but they are cats) and I do very much enjoy feeling useful. If my boyfriend or other loved one is sick, I happily provide for him and take pleasure in being there but I could never be a nurse or member of another helping profession. I'm very independent so being needed feels like getting caught up in tentacles and I'd generally avoid something like that on principle, even though I've noticed that I tend to take on a responsible role in life and haven't been the free and easy type due to a lot of obligations. My general stance, though, tends to be that I just want people to leave me alone - to the point that I've gone years without even letting more than a few people know where I lived. That doesn't mean I don't deal with issues of isolation and loneliness though, so I guess I'm just a conflicted person on some level.

I'm surprised at how many people here responded that they don't like to be needed, since I have the impression that most people enjoy this type of relationship a lot more than I do, if only because of the sheer numbers who have children. To me that is the ultimate needy relationship (from conception) and the very thought gives me the shudders.

Supple Cow

Hmm, I never thought of it that way. I kind of hope to have children one day (maybe), but I always thought of it as being something I would do when I was in a more selfless stage of life. Obviously a child would need its mother as long as it remained a child... but I wouldn't want it to be a relationship created for the sake of being needed. I like to think that I would have a child and deal with its needing me as an investment toward love (my own and my child's) in the future: need being a means and not an end.

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Seeker

Hmm, I think I need to broaden my perception of need based on my child, as I was only looking at the independant relationships aspect.

I have found being needed by my child very limiting and restrictive personally. It has presented a real struggle within myself over the years. The first few years I was happy to deal with my childs needs and being needed and when she was smaller it was an experience that gave me a feeling of worth and importance to at least someones life.

As my child has now grown older and come into her own personality I find I have backed off and have now started to distance any emotional need so she can become independant in herself with only a guiding hand, so to speak. Though during this time I have also wanted to do things for myself, but found I can't because I am still needed as a mother. I find this difficult to deal with as I feel I am stuck and have no real options of my own. It is very difficult sometimes to 'not resent' her even though I do not regret one moment.

Perhaps having children when you are settled and with a partner, and you are happy in your place in the world is a different story. I can only imagine that it is.

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iamnormal

I don't want to be needed. I don't need to be wanted. So says the life quitter.

raeanna74

I like to be wanted. Sometimes I like being needed too but there are times when I get tired of it. I am sometimes needed by others so much that I am unable to take time to care for my own needs. I like to be the first choice but usually I don't want to be the only choice. Most of the time I'm needed too much so I guess I would have to say that I dislike it.

Seeker - I understand those feelings. I am married, I have my own house, I still feel quite stuck at times. The feelings come and go though. They are worse when I can't even find a sitter for a couple hours.

I really like for an employer to 'need' me. When I find a job position, my first goal in my job is to fill all possible needs for me and to learn things that no one else is able or has time to do so that I'm indispensible. I've yet to be fired and I was only laid off once and asked back again later. Need can be a good thing in the right place.

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abaya

Raeanna, I agree with your first statement... I like the way you put it. I, too, enjoy being someone's "first alert" person, the person they want to tell/ask everything... it helps me feel honored and validated (a bit like what Kinky Kiwi was saying a few posts ago).

But being the ONLY person, no, that's crossing a line... and I think that's why I don't want to have children right now. Because basically, you are their first and only person to go-to (as well as the father, but usually the mom ends up with the most responsibility since moms are more pro-active, in my observation)... and that's too much "need" for me. Seems like kids don't really "want" you as a parent until they're in their 20s and 30s, at least.

My mother used me to fill several huge gaps in her life, and many times I feel like she has always needed me more than she wanted me. That's not a good foundation for a mother-daughter relationship, and I don't ever want my own kids (if I were to have them) to feel that way. I don't ever want to resent my kids, either, no matter how good the trade-offs are. Maybe that's being idealistic? I don't know.

Raeanna, your second statement about being stuck... I wonder how many mothers feel that way. That's another feeling I never want to have, with having kids... again, I am very selfish, but I just have so much I want to do with my life that would be messed up by having kids.

I spent my whole life creating distance from my needy mother, so why would I spend the rest of it creating distance from needy kids?

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raeanna74

I know a number of mothers who have the same feeling. MOST of them are stay-at-home moms. I find my feelings of being 'stuck' come about most often in January. I have a home day care and have multiple children in my home all day and in January up in Wisconsin you can't get out much with children. The time it takes to bundle up little ones and get them out and back in to the bathroom and back out again is such a hassle. Plus you can't really let them out to play in below 0 F temperatures such as we usually have most of Jan. I have found ways of getting past the feelings by giving myself time out alone without the kids before I get tired of the kids.

For me I don't feel stuck career wise because teaching was my chosen profession. I enjoy working with kids and I have built a faithful customer base and reputation that will follow me anywhere. Hubby also supports me if I chose to go out into the work force and close my daycare. He supports my business as well. I have choices and when I remind myself that this is my choice I feel free.

My mother is strongly co-dependent. She's so strongly that way that she will find imaginary learning disabilities in her husband or grandchildren so that she can "test" them, diagnose them, and give them homework. She does this very frequently. I have since found ways of giving her "needs" to fill and she's forgotten about my daughter's supposed ADHD for quite a while now.

Being needed can be nice but needing to be needed is a problem.

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Mugzy6

Very much so. Not to the point where it's a drag though. Mostly I want to be needed by my SO. When I start feeling like they could get along just fine without me, I start thinking maybe I should be preparing myself to get along without them. Then I usually break up with them. It's not the best recourse, but I don't want to be with someone that wouldn't be too affected if I weren't in their life.

Sweetpea

*bump*

I just wanted to comment that i've changed since i started this thread a year ago And it's interesting to me to see my own personal progress.

There is a clear difference between someone "needing" you and someone "wanting" you.

I don't think I like to be needed anymore, a year ago, I think I was going through a period in my life, where I needed to be needed, but i've certainly changed when it comes to that and now I don't really want or appreciate that kind of dependency 24/7... Now, sure there are still times when it's healthy and important to need people. When I have something going on and I need the people in my life to be my support system, I do need them during those moments.

But I do still like to be 'wanted.' And I love when the people I care about in my life "want" me on all those different levels. To be wanted is a positive thing, i think we can all agree on that.

Anyone else have any thoughts to offer on this? Do you still feel the same way as when you posted a year ago? Any New members wish to comment on this topic?

sweetpea

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Carno

I don't think I've ever had someone need me, so I'm still the same now as a year ago, in that regard. I don't need anyone, and I never really have. I haven't met anyone who affected me so much that I needed them.

As far as being wanted, I'm sure everyone likes to be wanted, because it plays up to people's vanity. Everyone likes to be liked, everyone likes to feel wanted. There are however, certain people who I wish didn't want me, so I guess liking being wanted kinda depends on the person who wants me. Although it still is nice for the ego to think that people want you, no matter who it is. There are also certain people who I wish I didn't want, but that is another story.

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j0hnb

Yea I like to be needed. I like to feel as if I am of some use. I'm not a needy but I enjoy being of use.

Toaster126

Being needed by those around you (if I have kids this could change) is stifling. If people need me, they are not really choosing to be with me, they are merely fufilling their needs which by definition require fufillment. It's something completely different and wonderful to be wanted.

Being thought of or chosen is a great feeling anytime, really.

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Supple Cow

Yup, I still feel the same way and the answer is even simpler for me to express than it was a year ago: no, I don't like to be needed. Whether it's fair that I should feel this way or not, needy people threaten the stability of the way I choose to live. Being needy is an old addiction of mine, and as much as I like to think I've been completely rehabilitated... it scares the crap out of me to go anywhere near it. I'm rather intolerant of neediness because of this. I'm even more intolerant of people who try to convince me that it's okay to be a little bit needy sometimes, because if I want to go down that road (even a little bit), I'll choose to do it myself thank you.

Of course, I don't believe that intolerance based on fear is a good thing, by any means. My emotional health and security just heavily outweigh that particular belief right now. I hope that in time I can reconcile these two things.

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Cynthetiq

ummm...but I need to watch you eat ice cream.

It's an amazing feat!

If there was an ice cream eating contest and that hot dog eating guy was there I'm gonna put my money on The Supple Cow for the win.

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SecretMethod70

Yes, I feel the same as I posted previously. Perhaps I'll elaborate. In terms of how they manifest themselves, needing and wanting can be very similar, but there can be a huge difference in motivation. If someone needs me, that implies that there is some deficiency within themselves that I help fill. Perhaps someone has low self-esteem and needs me to validate them. Like I said before, enjoying being needed is, as I see it, a symptom of co-dependency: the needer feels validated by the person they need, and the needed feels validated by the fact they are needed. There is little healthy about this type of relationship.

Being wanted is, of course, something that is pleasurable for most anyone. Often times though, a person having a great deal of want for another person can be misinterpreted as having need for that person. For example, if someone gets a great deal of enjoyment out of spending a lot of time with another person and misses that person tremendously when they are not able to spend time together, that is often interpreted as being needy. I don't think that is necessarily so. Enjoying another person's companionship to such an extent that the absence of that person or their companionship is saddening does not inherently imply need. In this way, intense feelings of appreciation and want for another person can sometimes be misinterpreted as neediness if the person being wanted is not careful to look at the situation and ask "why does this other person enjoy my companionship so much?"

The difference between needing and wanting lies primarily in motivations rather than actions. In both cases, one person may want to spend a great deal of time with the other person and may feel saddened when it is not possible to do so for some reason. The difference is that wanting is a reciprocal relationship and needing is a symbiotic relationship. The wanter gets great enjoyment out of companionship with the wanted and also wants for the wanted to get the same enjoyment out of their companionship with the wanter. Sadness comes from the lack of fulfilling that want or from the lack of that want being returned by the wanted. The needer, on the other hand, gets great enjoyment out of the needed filling whatever deficiency the needer feels, and also out of the needed getting enjoyment out of filling that deficiency. The needer/needed relationship is based on each person getting something different out of the relationship whereas the wanter/wanted relationship is based on both persons playing both roles and getting the same thing out of the relationship. Often times when the wanted does not feel the same want for the wanter, the wanter can be seen as someone who is needy. In these cases, the wanted tends not to look deeply enough to see the motivations behind the desires of the wanter as opposed to simply looking at the desires themselves.

Sometimes, I think, it is best for the wanted to first verify that the wanter is wanting as opposed to needing and then to accept the wanting as the gift of companionship that it is and allow themselves to become open to reciprocating that wanting. This openness is what leads to deep, meaningful, and healthy connections between people...and the resistance to such openness is one of the reasons I think such connections are so rare. Most deep connections are the result of lucky timing, where both persons are feeling open to wanting and being wanted. If more people would open themselves up to wanting and being wanted when someone else expresses a want for that person (as opposed to a need), I think we would have many more deep connections with others than we do today.

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Sweetpea

thank you to Carno, Johnb. SuppleCow and Toaster126 for sharing your thoughts.

also, thank you Secretmethod for sharing your thoughts.
The above quote from you is something that really struck me. Because it's so true. Lucky timing indeed for the most part when connections like these do happen.
But, you're right. If we were all a little more open to such connections and accepted them when they came along as something positive, there might be a lot more fulfilled people walking around in this world.

sweetpea

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Toaster126

How true... how many of our friendships are by chance or casual encounters? Personally, I'd have to say just about all of them. Just another reminder to put the happy face on and be friendly. You never know.

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Poppinjay

I think being wanted is something that I tend to take for granted. I appreciate being loved and being wanted because of it a great deal more satisfying. I appreciate being needed more in the vein of when I'm gone for a period of time, my SO realizes how much I contribute to the household.

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Martian

I think before I can answer this question a clear definition of needed has to be established.

Is there anyone in this world who could not survive without me? No and that's how it should be. In mature relationships (note that children and other dependents are not included under that umbrella) that level of need is unhealthy and unsatisfying. That's the point where it becomes restricting.

Do I want to be 'needed' in the sense that people depend on me? Well, yeah. I'd like to think that I'm making a mark on this world. It bothers me a bit that I could die tomorrow and there would be no real negative consequences, aside from grief caused. There is no one in my life who needs me; I have two close friends who are both every bit as independent as I am, my family drifts further apart by the day and I am very much a non-essential member of the team at work (one could argue that there is no such thing as an essential team member in my line of work). There are those who would be upset by my death, but I recognize that none of those people need me in any meaningful sense of the word.

The contradiction to that is that I am very independent. I'm stubborn and emotionally guarded and have big issues with needing others in my life. I needed my ex-girlfriend; she provided me with love, validation and somewhere to lean when I just didn't have enough strength of my own. Not having her in my life isn't going to kill me. I am still independent and I still suffer through like I always have, but I also recognize that I'm worse off for not having her. That's a level of need that I don't think is bad; I have a feeling that this is what BigBen and others were referring to. If it's taken to the level of co-dependency, if I am unable to function through daily life without someone, then it's unhealthy. But there is a level of it that is okay.

Being wanted goes without saying. Nobody wants to be alone.

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abaya

I like being useful and appreciated. Does that mean I like being needed and wanted? Maybe, to some extent. Does it mean that I don't see the need for boundaries on either of those things? No. I do see the need for boundaries, probably above everything else.

But I still think it's okay that I desire to feel useful and appreciated by people other than myself (though the self's value is most important), and I try to ask for these things in a fair manner if I feel I am being denied them. This happened most recently with my boss (on Monday), and I am very glad I stood up for myself at last. It happens at times with ktspktsp (both ways) when we take each other for granted. It doesn't happen so much with my parents, though I wish it would... they are just too much in their own world to recognize what goes on in mine.

I would venture to say that need and want are cultural universals. It's funny how we sit around and debate the difference between the two... a result of the Western preoccupation with mental health, I suppose. (Not a bad thing, just pointing out that this kind of debate probably only happens for Western people who are middle-class and higher. I'd guess that most of the poor just plain *need* each other, to survive and to not go insane, because they cannot have most of what they *want.*) Maslow's hierarchy of need... no pun intended.

But perhaps I have digressed (thanks to my social networks analysis course this afternoon)...

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Toaster126

I disagree. I know some people who want to be alone. I know a couple that need to be alone.

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oberon

If you'd asked me 3 years ago, that would've been my preference.

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noodle

Such a thought provoking thread, Sweetpea. I'm a social worker. If people didn't need me, I'd be out of a job. And frequently, they need me. After awhile, I've found that I can get quite resentful of the people that need me to overfunction for them. Meeting simple needs is quite fulfilling for me.

Being needed on a constant basis contributed to a huge bout of compassion fatigue that I went through earlier in the year. I was overwhelmed at work by five different families that seemed to need something every single day. I set some boundaries, encouraged self-sufficiency, and now they call when they want my help.

As for personal relationships, I'm learning new things on a daily basis, having found myself back in my on-again, off-again relationship. The previous time we'd broken up, I realized I didn't need him, that I could live without him quite easily, but I didn't want to. When I was able to verbalize it to him and smack myself upside the head, things went much smoother. And luckily for both of us, he came to the same conclusion for himself. I'm in a healthy, non-needy relationship and I love it. Had I not been so needy for something from him to validate myself, we might not have been through the bumps in the past few years. I love to be wanted. I love that he comes home and sees me out for physical contact of any kind because he wants to be near me for a few minutes. I also like that he doesn't need me like he used to--as his coping mechanism. That we've both graduated from needing each other like a drug, to wanting to be around each other... but not 24/7. I can't handle that at work and then again at home.

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DEI37

Needed, maybe, that's nice, too, but more than that, I want to be respected, and my work acknowledged. My boss at work is lazy, and rides my ass for stuff that he should have taken care of, and accuses me of things that I didn't do, and doesn't recognize what I (and my coworker) do. It pisses us both off, and makes work a pain in the butt. Needed isn't bad...it's nice to be needed, but it's better, in my opinion, to just be appreciated, and recognized.

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