chelle21689

I've been with my bf for 5.5 years but 2.5 years long distance. I've supported him in the Army for 2 years now. We've also been good friends 2 years prior to dating.

I know I had a history on here about writing about my jealousy issues but surprisingly we've gotten through all of that. So please don't judge this break up on the past things I wrote.

Well, anyways...3 days ago my ex begs me to get on Skype. He was crying really hard like I've never seen so I knew something bad was going to happen to us. He told me that lately his feelings changed in the past month and that he tried so hard for it to come back. When I visited him, the feelings didn't come back...and he said it wasn't fair to drag me along when he felt this way.
I asked if there was someone else or if he cheated and he said "no" and that he has no idea why this happened. He thinks maybe the Army and long distance caught up to him...
But since we've known eachother for soooo many years, he does not want me to disappear from his life and would like to be friends. We've always been open and honest with eachother no matter how difficult.

So, lately he's been keeping in contact with me through text. I can tell we're still sad about the relationship ending...I don't know why he's sad when he broke up with me. Today, I was the one that contacted him..he seems to be keeping friends around to distract him. He seems happy on Facebook but when I talk to him he sounds stressed. Looking at his Facebook makes me so sad and feel like he's happy with all his silly statuses...but he told me that he'll monitor his Facebook of girl's writing hurtful things or tagged pics. Then he asked if I could do the same...I said okay. So that no one feels jealous...

I don't want to do "no contact", but I feel like it's necessary to stop the habit of us talking every day from the past 5.5 years. I am scared to death of losing him for good as a friend or anything. We've been eachother's confidant. He begged me not to do this but then later said if I had to do this go ahead but if he needed to talk to me any that I should call no matter what.

I talked to him tonight, and I still feel like we're on good terms and the communication is widely open but we're still hurting. I feel happy talking to him but then I don't know if this is best idea and I'm not sure if this makes it harder to move on???


I'm so confused. I like being able to talk to him about everything and anything...I'm scared doing "no contact" will cause us to lose what we had at the beginning of our friendship (before dating) when we could talk about anything and everything.

So frustrating! What should I do??? We can't monitor our Facebook pages forever just to keep the other from feeling jealous! I keep looking at his wall too...

Why the hell does he seem to be so sad and stressed out when HE BROKE up with me? He compared himself (during this break up) to a bike with a pedal missing to keep him going and that he felt that his change of feelings weren't meant to be but happened. That this wasn't suppose to happen. But like he said, he felt guilty about kissing and hugging me as if he was lying to me when he wasn't in love.


Also when he leaves for training for his deployment in June, I agreed that if by then we're "okay" and not seeing anyone that I will visit him before he deploys to Afghanistan. I can't bare the thought of not seeing him one last time if he were to die or be seriously injured..... Ugh, visiting? We've always had a big sexual attraction so I think I'll wear a chastity belt when I visit haha..

Read more: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...#ixzz1CDIH5C00

KirStang

Don't drag on something that's supposed to be over. Visiting him will only complicate things. I don't know if you have the ability to, but tell him you need your space, and cut him off.

Damn, I wish I could be more eloquent about this...

If you two are truely over, then in order to move on, the two of you need to wash your minds of the memories associated with each other. IIRC, the psych texts in college said that part of the pain associated with breaking up is the cognitive dissonance created by seeing something once associated with your mate, with the concomitant realization that your mate's no longer there.

In order to get past those associations to your mate, you need to start disassociating yourself from him.

Don't prolong a train wreck. Take the hit and move on.

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Plan9

Is this the thread where we're posting responses? I was confused. Somebody pulled a Plan9 and posted the exact same thing in two different places.

*cracks knuckles, cues up Guns and Roses' You Could Be Mine*

Let's do this thing:

2.5 years of distance = worth absolutely nothing. Distance means doodly squat. Being there is the only time that counts.

I speak as someone that knows; most of my relationships have involved a distance factor as well as the military and college.

Too late. And I'm not trying to be a dick. People judge you on what you write. It's that simple. If you're not comfortable with what you're putting out there... don't dump it out in public in the first place or at least erase it later when you come to your senses. Hell, TFP auto-erases most of my posts.

First: Man + crying = total pussy. Don't trust this individual.

Yeah, this relationship is so done the fork bounces off it.

Also: He's using you the way a toddler uses a teddy bear.

If you two aren't in a titled relationship, he's just stringing you along. Don't waste your time playing undercover emotional cuddle buddy.

Ever hear the Meme "cut all contact, delete facebook, hit the gym?" It applies here so hard it'll make a popping noise when it falls off your forehead.

Define friend. I mean, basically, he's asking for your hand with his left while he's probably fingerbanging another girl with his right?

And, like that medicine that tastes like death you turned your nose up to as a kid, you don't want to do that which is best for you.

"I don't want her, but I'll string her along so she can't have anybody else and nobody else will even want her." - Your Boy

You were friends before dating? Okay, things need to go back to that level and then two steps back. It'll never be the same, but you have to restrict your thoughts/feelings and make sure he does the same. After you ignore him for a good 6 months (or preferably several years), you can try to be friends again. Just maybe adults can go back to that level on a limited basis with particular circumstances. I talk to some of my exes occasionally and I try keep my bitterness toward their infidelity and my constant thoughts about how awesome that thing they did with their ass was to myself. That and I won't see them face to face in the next 100 years. We bullshit about the weather and jobs. They say they miss talking with me like its supposed to mean something other than "sorry I fucked some other dude." It's friendly enough and about as hollow as that big chocolate bunny you chomp on Easter.

Let's pretend that social media networks don't exist. He doesn't want to commit to you. I'd suggest you stop playing emo cutter on Faceyspace.

Hopefully he won't be lying to you about whatever strange he has on the side so he can get so a shot of Yer Olde ('n Familiar) Booty.

...

I don't know how old you are or what kind of relationships you've had before but you seem like you need a big dose of New Guy. Online dating - GO!

Army dudes with deployments? Bad investment. It's like college, except you can't spend your weekend driving 8 hours to bang him on a twin mattress.


You need to cut all contact with this dude and get out and meet somebody new. It'll suck, but you're totally twisting your own knife right now.

...

So, it's like not wanting to get out the fart-filled sleeping bag you're in right now because it'll be cold for the ten seconds it takes you to get into the new one? Let's call that the comfort factor, the convenience factor. Keeping old pussy on emotional standby is the tactic of douchebags with mommy issues.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

bagatelle

Plan9, I think your statement made things pretty clear.

Sorry, but off-topic question:

How is this done? Do you set it so or is this accidental?

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jewels

Nutshell. Of course it's difficult to let go of something that was good. He's sad because he probably doesn't have anyone else yet, and/or maybe it does hurt. You're still grieving the relationship. It's natural to feel sadness, but it's normal.

Hanging on to strands of a torn relationship will never allow you to finish grieving and move on. Roller coaster breakups just make things harder, so contact is not a good idea. There will be underlying false hope until you're both emotionally ready to let go. Once you do that, you'll both be able to move on.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Cynthetiq

We have a couple elves that help us out by following after Plan9 and cleaning up after him. There are a few others on the list.

---------- Post added at 09:21 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:19 AM ----------

2nd to the 9're it's the IRL time that counts. Everything else is pretend.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

dlish

are you saying my LDR with she-lish and baby-lish is all make believe?

i lived large chunks of our 9 years apart. it's still a real relationship in my eyes. every minute of it.

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An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
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Cynthetiq

I'm referring to the establishing of the relationship. In my eyes both chelle and her SO hasn't really established a long term commitment to the relationship. They said they wanted to, but with little detail as to how it would actually work out.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Iliftrocks

I'd say that about wraps it up nicely, with bow and all.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

genuinegirly

You're not doing anyone any favors by keeping in contact. You know the answer you've come here seeking, and you've gotten confirmation from every last one of us. Best of luck with the transition.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

KirStang

I really do think the context of the relationship between you and she-lish clearly distinguishes the applicability of Plan9's rule.

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animosity

I think KirStang summed up my thoughts.

I have been in the guy side of this. My ex broke up with me after a couple of years(still not really sure why). She wanted to continue to be friends. This evolved into a booty call arrangement for a while(we were not seeing anyone else), but we eventually had to end it. I stopped seeing her. I did not talk to her for a year. It was hard but we were both better off in the long run. Break it clean. Do not be friends. Unfriend on facebook. Lose his number. Delete your emails. Burn everything associated with him. It is like quitting a bad habbit. Rid yourself of any and all temptations.

raging moderate

hate to beat a dead horse..so...yep. agreed. delete, move on. it's not going to work, don't torture yourself.

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These are the good old days...



formerly Murp0434

TheCrimsonGhost

nothing more to say here really, but I am replying because I enjoyed this thread so much I burned dinner.

---------- Post added at 12:56 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:51 AM ----------

yes it's 1 AM

Shauk

I guess I'll play the other side of the fence here. Everyone is on the delete and forget it bandwagon on this site, it makes me wonder how people maintain their friendships when anything goes wrong.

Personally, I'm friends with damn near all of my exes. It's hard to dose up the amount of maturity it takes to manage a friendship and accept it for JUST that without letting all the chemical reaction bruhaha in your head send you spiraling back to that comfort zone of physical contact with them when you DO get to hang out again.

I mean lets face it, if there wasn't a basis of at LEAST a friendship, it would have never advanced to being a possible relationship.

Breaking up doesn't really mean the end, someone who's known you for that long, can be a good source of advice, and can use your advice as well.

As for why all of a sudden he doesn't have the emotions for you now? Hard to say, it's happened to me before for no reason. I was all about this girl and one day it just shut down. I don't know if it was fear, or maybe deep down I knew I could do better. She was a great person and she had never done anything wrong, but something was missing I guess.

Honestly though if this is the desired outcome: a breakup with friendship ties, you can't pussyfoot around it. The best thing you can do to mentally fortify that it's over is do your best to push/inspire them in to their next relationship and hope they do the same in return.

Just because you're not meant to be the "love of his life" or vice versa doesn't mean there isn't capability of friendship.

It's a lot easier to shut the doors and board up the windows, delete people from phone/facebook, put your fingers in your ears and go "lalalala" this person doesn't exist but that's always seemed like a grade school tactic to me. Seems like there should be a more adult way of handling ones personal affairs.

Funny thing is, if you can make yourself stop caring, you can at least tell how sincere someone is by how often they stay in touch with you once the sex is out of the picture.

It's funny how some girls who split with me went from wanting to see me daily or weekly to not even really wanting to talk monthly. Whereas it's the opposite with some where we talk almost every day or week now, and their either married/engaged whatever now *shrug*

Plan9

I refuse to let you play this silly game alone.

It's the same shit, honestly. I've had to ditch friends over being relationship drama llamas, their increasing substance use issues, shittacular financial choices, etc. Just like that old gem, "You shouldn't stick your dick in crazy," you shouldn't be friends with stupid. Hang out with positive-for-you people.

Enough about you, let's talk about you: Being friends with all your exes may be part of the reason why you have some of the hangups you have right now. Most people (regardless of occupation, hobbies, politics) break up and disengaged their former partners because it's a good way to put new energy in a different direction. You can always come back later. Years later. When you've both moved on to, as our Lord and Savior UsTwo was wont to say, that "New Pussy." I've talked to some of my ancient exes recently and the time only helped put things into perspective. Even though the conversations were crap and they were basically fishing for a Hallmark moment, I realized how little we ever had in common. And I didn't feel like a fuckup anymore. Good.

I don't encourage anybody to pick at scabs and I certainly can't stand for others telling them to twist the knife in their own back. That's just silly.

But maybe you can't override a horrible grating snort-laugh, MySpace-style poor cleaning habits or awkward bad sex with a basis of friendship. The girl I'm with might be a good friend, but when somebody becomes my partner they need to live up to higher standards because I'm much closer to them.

Why them? Why not meet somebody new? There are so many wild 'n wacky people out there in the wild 'n wacky world, it's foolish to restrict yourself to someone you squabble with out of what amounts to something like emo tenure. I think you're giving exes way too much weight, brodawg. Just because you put a title on somebody, moved in with them, bought a shitty Ikea couch and blew a load on their chest thrice a week doesn't mean they have to occupy one of your speed dial buttons for the rest of your (or their) life. "You had to be friends first, right?" vs. "Well, ya broke up for a reason!"

It's okay to be indecisive. You're an adult. You can have partner ADD. Maybe the old girl stopped chasing her dreams. Maybe the new girl has nicer tits.

Yeaaah, but... it's not anybody else's job to push their former partner to do anything. You broke up so you wouldn't have to help bear their burdens anymore. It's like those silly airplane oxygen masks: help yourself first. And the best way to do that is to put your ex in the rear view mirror.

No, but after being "in love" and most likely burning yourself out on another person either by tiny grits of incompatibility that make it impossible become completely comfortable or daunting spires of Whoa Shit! such as those blasted skeletons in the closet, most people are done-done for a reason.

I feel like maybe a Huey Lewis song fits here. My personal preference is for "So Little Kindness" but others might fit just as well.

...

Shauk, brother man, I think about the shit you just wrote here all the goddamn time when I'm drunk and alone and too stupid to keep my mouth shut about unmanly things like having feelings. I spent a lot of lonely nights over the last few months thinking about how I wish I could be friends with my exes because I feel like I didn't get enough time to explain myself for the things I said or didn't say and did or didn't do, didn't get the closure I wanted, couldn't articulate how I actually felt about them, failed to tell them how very much they really meant to me with the things they said, the things they did for me. Things I will never forget for the rest of my life. I miss their sense of humor and little quirks and all those things they did to steal my heart.

But they're gone, man. Life is short, I had my turn. 8000 miles away or in the next room... they're gone. And I had to let it go. To heal.

So I did. Then I picked up my pants, put my nuts back into them and moved the fuck out with a renewed sense of New Pussy purpose.

What helps? Knowing they don't give a fuck. They were gargling some other dude's balls 15 minutes after (before?) the breakup.

In closing, ruminate upon the words of that giant egocentric asshole Henry Rollins: "You get some. You go again."

Nobody said the system is right or fair or feels good. It's just what a lot of us use to get by.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Cynthetiq

There is an adult way. It's called moving on.

We're not talking about friendships here, we're talking about romantic relations, which involve intimacy and all the emotions and hormones that accompany them.

I used to wonder how come I would always find myself in some weird situations like picking up friends from very dark or hazardous situations of their own creation. After 10 years I realized that they never got it, they shouldn't keep putting themselves in these situations. Right, it wasn't their doing, wasn't their fault, something happened and then they found themselves in a fight, barrel of a gun. No, really after close examination I found it was them that put themselves squarely in harms way by doing stupid things. I have enough of my own stupidity to deal with let alone dealing with some one else's.

Now about you talking to your exe's every day and shit, remember that women are the more "talk about their feelings" as opposed to wanting to have sex. What I'm probably too tired to explain is that why do they need to have any intimate relationship with you? They don't need to buy or even rent the cow when they get the milk for free.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Plan9

Hadouken!

No, really, this.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Shauk

touche. Good solid delivery all the way thru and thru, I can't find anything to argue here lol. Damn. I'm stumped.


Plan 9 = winner.

Plan9

Yeah, woohoo, I get a merit badge for being a callous asshole who hasn't had a relationship last longer than two years.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

uncle phil

niner, i wish there had been someone around like you to tell me these things back when i was 30-ish...

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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Plan9

Hey, that's funny... I wish I wasn't 30ish and dealing with them.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

mixedmedia

In this situation, I think you're getting some good advice. Sounds like your best bet is to sever the relationship completely. At least for a year or two - until the wounds heal over and neither of you feel any need to 'possess' any part of the other.

But that's not necessarily a given at the end of every relationship. It depends on the nature of the break-up and the characteristics of the two people involved. I've known people who stayed friends without weirdness. Hell, I'm still friends with my first husband - always have been.

It's hard, though, I know. I've been through a break-up recently. And where there is a need for a 'continued platonic intimacy' there is a need to maintain possession and/or control over the other. It's not necessarily wrong - I think it's natural to some extent - but I don't think it's healthy.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

animosity

There is nothing wrong with that. If a relationship lasts longer than 2 years, it should be able to last >50 years. If you cannot decide if someone is worth staying with forever after a couple of years-- you are just scared and wasting your and the other party's time, IMO
I could be wrong though. I have only been in two relationships which lasted over 6 months. And the second one I married after 4 months.

Cimarron29414

chelle, I'm here to say I told you so. I told you in your numerous other threads that your jealous and immature behavior was going to drive a wedge between you and him. It can not be denied or ignored, and I won't ignore the 800 lb gorilla in the room. The fact that you want to sweep all of that behavior under the rug doesn't change the fact that it had an effect on the outcome of this relationship. It is foolish to imply that it did not have a thing to do with your breaking up. I am only telling you this so you will take responsibility for that behavior and its outcome. By taking responsibility, you will learn from it and move on to behaviors which ensure successful relationships.

chelle, you started this relationship as a child. You carried it through every minute of your adult years. You view it through a child's eyes and you have never known anything else as an adult but it. The only way to move forward into adult relationships is to sever yourself from it entirely. This guy is a good guy. He is holding on because he feels guilty for being true to himself, yet knowingly hurting someone he loves. However, these feelings are temporary and he will move on. If you linger, you will be witness to that and it will hurt even more. Every moment you linger is a moment you have wasted finding yourself and your next mate as an adult.

While this hurts, this is a grand opportunity for you. Now is the time to admit the mistakes you made, grow from them, and move on to a truly adult relationship. I do hope you find new happiness.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

snuggy

Consult a counselor to help you out with your ego and jealousy. You’ll be a matured person ready to start a successful life with your soul mate.