I refuse to let you play this silly game alone.
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Originally Posted by Shauk
I guess I'll play the other side of the fence here. Everyone is on the delete and forget it bandwagon on this site, it makes me wonder how people maintain their friendships when anything goes wrong.
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It's the same shit, honestly. I've had to ditch friends over being relationship drama llamas, their increasing substance use issues, shittacular financial choices, etc. Just like that old gem, "You shouldn't stick your dick in crazy," you shouldn't be friends with stupid. Hang out with positive-for-you people.
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Originally Posted by Shauk
Personally, I'm friends with damn near all of my exes. It's hard to dose up the amount of maturity it takes to manage a friendship and accept it for JUST that without letting all the chemical reaction bruhaha in your head send you spiraling back to that comfort zone of physical contact with them when you DO get to hang out again.
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Enough about you, let's talk about you: Being friends with all your exes may be part of the reason why you have some of the hangups you have right now. Most people (regardless of occupation, hobbies, politics) break up and disengaged their former partners because it's a good way to put new energy in a different direction. You can always come back later. Years later. When you've both moved on to, as our Lord and Savior UsTwo was wont to say, that "New Pussy." I've talked to some of my ancient exes recently and the time only helped put things into perspective. Even though the conversations were crap and they were basically fishing for a Hallmark moment, I realized how little we ever had in common. And I didn't feel like a fuckup anymore. Good.
I don't encourage anybody to pick at scabs and I certainly can't stand for others telling them to twist the knife in their own back. That's just silly.
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Originally Posted by Shauk
I mean lets face it, if there wasn't a basis of at LEAST a friendship, it would have never advanced to being a possible relationship.
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But maybe you can't override a horrible grating snort-laugh, MySpace-style poor cleaning habits or awkward bad sex with a basis of friendship. The girl I'm with might be a good friend, but when somebody becomes my partner they need to live up to higher standards because I'm much closer to them.
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Originally Posted by Shauk
Breaking up doesn't really mean the end, someone who's known you for that long, can be a good source of advice, and can use your advice as well.
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Why them? Why not meet somebody new? There are so many wild 'n wacky people out there in the wild 'n wacky world, it's foolish to restrict yourself to someone you squabble with out of what amounts to something like emo tenure. I think you're giving exes way too much weight, brodawg. Just because you put a title on somebody, moved in with them, bought a shitty Ikea couch and blew a load on their chest thrice a week doesn't mean they have to occupy one of your speed dial buttons for the rest of your (or their) life.
"You had to be friends first, right?" vs.
"Well, ya broke up for a reason!"
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Originally Posted by Shauk
As for why all of a sudden he doesn't have the emotions for you now? Hard to say, it's happened to me before for no reason. I was all about this girl and one day it just shut down. I don't know if it was fear, or maybe deep down I knew I could do better. She was a great person and she had never done anything wrong, but something was missing I guess.
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It's okay to be indecisive. You're an adult. You can have partner ADD. Maybe the old girl stopped chasing her dreams. Maybe the new girl has nicer tits.
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Originally Posted by Shauk
Honestly though if this is the desired outcome: a breakup with friendship ties, you can't pussyfoot around it. The best thing you can do to mentally fortify that it's over is do your best to push/inspire them in to their next relationship and hope they do the same in return.
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Yeaaah, but... it's not anybody else's job to push their former partner to do anything. You broke up so you wouldn't have to help bear their burdens anymore. It's like those silly airplane oxygen masks: help yourself first. And the best way to do that is to put your ex in the rear view mirror.
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Originally Posted by Shauk
Just because you're not meant to be the "love of his life" or vice versa doesn't mean there isn't capability of friendship.
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No, but after being "in love" and most likely burning yourself out on another person either by tiny grits of incompatibility that make it impossible become completely comfortable or daunting spires of
Whoa Shit! such as those blasted skeletons in the closet, most people are
done-done for a reason.
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Originally Posted by Shauk
It's a lot easier to shut the doors and board up the windows, delete people from phone/facebook, put your fingers in your ears and go "lalalala" this person doesn't exist but that's always seemed like a grade school tactic to me. Seems like there should be a more adult way of handling ones personal affairs.
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I feel like maybe a Huey Lewis song fits here. My personal preference is for "So Little Kindness" but others might fit just as well.
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Shauk, brother man, I think about the shit you just wrote here all the goddamn time when I'm drunk and alone and too stupid to keep my mouth shut about unmanly things like having feelings. I spent a lot of lonely nights over the last few months thinking about how I wish I could be friends with my exes because I feel like I didn't get enough time to explain myself for the things I said or didn't say and did or didn't do, didn't get the closure I wanted, couldn't articulate how I actually felt about them, failed to tell them how very much they really meant to me with the things they said, the things they did for me. Things I will never forget for the rest of my life. I miss their sense of humor and little quirks and all those things they did to steal my heart.
But they're gone, man. Life is short, I had my turn. 8000 miles away or in the next room... they're gone. And I had to let it go. To heal.
So I did. Then I picked up my pants, put my nuts back into them and moved the fuck out with a renewed sense of New Pussy purpose.
What helps? Knowing they don't give a fuck. They were gargling some other dude's balls 15 minutes after (before?) the breakup.
In closing, ruminate upon the words of that giant egocentric asshole Henry Rollins: "You get some. You go again."
Nobody said the system is right or fair or feels good. It's just what a lot of us use to get by.