J-Dubs

First off I created a thread a month or so back in regards to someone (a girl) I have known for over a few years.

Bascially I told said girl I really liked her and would like to basically take this to the next level. I got shut down, but it wasn't a bad thing at the time I thought I still had a shot. She made it seem like when the time was ready she'd like to give it a shot. She said she wasn't emotionally or mentally ready for relationship at this time due to a couple bad breakups in the past year (which I could understand). Physically she was more than ready...?????????

Anyway at the time I told her I liked her and got shut down. I asked her to let me know if I was in the friend zone (at this point from what she said I had a hunch I might be but I kept my hopes up) from the get go this way I don't have to ride a fine line trying to still be her friend and still persuing her to let her know I was still interested. If I was in the friend zone, I could easily move on and continue to be friends, no biggie. But if I wasn't in the friend zone, this would keep my hopes up and I could cross that line a bit to let her know.

Well a few months down the road and after helping her through a string issues and bad luck situations she had. I'm begining to think I am in the friend zone now. I mentioned a couple times to her to let me know if I was in the friend zone. I thought she would, since I believe she was more straight forward than most girls and she said she always seemed to be a straight forward person.

Well, I'm kind of frustrated, mad, upset and what not. I've always seemed to be the one to initiate the calls, plans, etc.. a few times she has called, but when she needed something. I haven't called her for a few days, after usually talking everyday or everyother day. I'm waiting to see if she'll call. I figure if you liked someone or even thought more of them than you do you'd call to see what's up.

It pisses me off that women in general can never be straight forward with a guy in this type is similar situation. I've read it here, seen other guys I know go through it. Why do you string a guy along like this just let him know either way, yes you may hurt his emotions but you'll hurt him worse in the end if you drag him along. A guy will atleast let you know, it may be harsh at the time but there's no dancing around. Why do women do this?

Anyway what to do what to do.............?

Carno

Yeah, you're DEFINITELY in the Friend Zone.

Just keep fishin I guess.

zen_tom

Be straight-forward and dump her now. If she hasn't called, she's either playing some kind of power-game, or she doesn't dig you in the way that you want - and never will.

Drop her, and forget all about her. You don't need to even tell her you've done it. If she phones 3 weeks later and asks you why you didn't phone, tell her it's because you were doing other things.

KirStang

Dude, in this situation, what you should do, is stop asking her if you're in the 'friend' zone. Just stick around, be nice to her still, but shop around too.

zen_tom

btw - KirStang's advice is much better than mine.

J-Dubs

I only mentioned the friend zone thing two times, initially when I said I liked her and few days later when the conversation came up again. I haven't been keyed in on her, I have been shopping aroudn, but I'm not going to find the first thing I see just for the sake of having a relationship or a date. I've never done that, I'd rather bid my time than waste my time.

I've been thinking about it.

I've had that feeling for a while and in the back of my mind I thought this might happen, so it's not as a big a shock. I'm disappointed since, I really get along with her, we had a lot in common, hell she's said the same thing about me. Telling me she has fun with me, finds me attractive, and i'm pretty much the male version of her. But sadly enough I think she has said these things out of pity and/or maybe not to hurt me since she wants me around otherwise when needed.

Oh well, what gets my goat more than anything is the fact she could have been straight up from the get go when I gave her the chance. At that point I could have moved on and been a good friend, but now that's in question.

I did so much for her in the last month, I feel used even though she had thanked me. Now I didn't do this to win her heart, I did what I did because I was her friend and I'd do it for anyone I know who needed help. I always do.

Well thanks for the replies.

ratbastid

My advice is to find your zen place about this one. You're not going to get her, and the less you can care about that, the easier it will be for you to move on.

dirtyrascal7

In a way, you answered your own question. Women do this because men are generally more straight up about these situations and therefore the women are subjected to these "harsh" realities. The women recognize how much it hurt them to hear that, so when it comes time to deal with the situation in reverse, they compensate for it by dancing around the truth. They don't think about how it will effect things in the long run, they simply focus on protecting the men's feelings from being hurt at that moment.

I'd like to think that as both sides grow more mature, these two sides blend together and everyone deals with these situations similarly. That is, being honest and straight-forward about your feelings while considering the other person's desires and then tailoring your response appropriately. Unfortunately, it seems obvious the average person doesn't ever reach that level of maturity.

Sugar&Spice

She has definitely placed you in the friend zone. You asked why women are not staightforward, why she didn't tell you right away when you asked her. In my experience, as soon as I let a guy know that I am not interested in him romantically, he disappears from my life. The guy will not call, will not hang out as friends and pretty much wants nothing to do with me. For that reason, I may not tell a guy straight off that I am not interested because I want to still be friends!

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Grey2000

You, my friend, are cursed by the ladder theory.

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Zegel

Errr - you cant *ask* her if you're in the 'friends zone' and expect a straight answer. If you are in the 'friends zone' then she considers you a friend, and as a friend she doesnt want to hurt your feelings or lose your friendship. So of course she's going to tell you that you're not - you've made an issue of it by asking twice so she knows that you would have a problem with it. She's stringing you along, probably even unintentionally just because shes worried about hurting your feelings.

Personally I've never played these dumb mind-games, but the mind-games handbook says to back off for a while and see what she does. Subtly (very!!) making her aware that you're persuing women besides her may help as well. She may feel that you are being needy by contacting her so much. She also probably feels very much in control of the situation because you've placed the ball in her court and you continually remind her that it's in her court. You need to step up and take some control back... if she's interested, she might show it if she realizes that you're starting to move on and might not be hers if she doesnt do something quick.

Cynthetiq

It's like something that doesn't have a price on it...

If you have to ask how much, you can't afford it.

If you have to ask if you are in the friend zone, you probably are.

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justjt

It's one thing if two people of the opposite sex start out and both agree and desire to keep it in the friendzone........

But it is a completely different issue when one gets placed there and their feelings are of a more than friends desire.

Hey if outside of your feelings of attraction and desire you really like this girl as a person and have a need for her as a friend in your life then onward my friend and have fun in the friendzone. But if your feelings and desires are real strong for this girl and you don't feel the same strong friendship elements as she does and you really desire more......I say chalk this one up as a tuff lesson in life and add her to the learning curve before you end up gettin strung out, played out and hurt on a deeper level.

J-Dubs

It would have been easier to move on If I knew from the get go, I didn't have a shot I wouldn't have continued on the path I am / was on. I could have went back to being here friend like I was for the previous 2 years I knew her. But I allowed myself to like her in a more than a friend type of way (I guess she did to). Now it's really hard, because I know I lost a shot at a possible relationship with her and more importantly I probably lost a good friend because I wasn't given enough respect to let me know where I stood in her eyes.

I agree wholeheartedly here, I've always tried to be stright forward with things and thought she would have done the same. Since I've known her she has always been that way so I thought she would be with me in this situation. I guess not.

Well the point is you were straight forward a few times and that's great. But not telling other guys your not interested because you don't want to lose a friend is leading them on and cold hearted in the end. Because 99.9% of the time they'll think they still have a shot, because you're letting them think that.

Now in these cases were you friends with these guys prior? (Years, days, months?) If you told them you were not interested and they bolted are these the types you really want as friends anyway? The one's you want are the one's you can be honest with and they'll stick around and be that friend. The one's who bolt were only around because they wanted to get with you and since they know there is no shot then they are gone. Maybe they bolted because they put all their marbles in the so called basket and told you how they feel and got shot down. Now they are really hurt, so it's easier to walk away and move on. (See the ladder theory posted below)

I was friends with her for years and through other boyfriends.

I've seen that before and never really read through it until now. And I think that it is 100% on point. Great site, more people should read this, including women, they just need to approach it with an open mind.

First off I don't play the games, I tried my best to not do it. That's why I brought the Friend thing up. And at the time I asked her if I was in that zone I told if I am I can move on and still be her friend because I at least don't want to lose that. She wouldn't have been hurting my feelings at the time. I would have known where I stand and continued on as a friend or if the news was good changed course and try to persue a deeper relationship. The only way she could have hurt my feelings is doing what she did. Telling me otherwise about how she felt, then placing me in the friend zone. That hurts worse. As my friend I should at least deserve an honest answer, I never backed her in a corner without and option. I gave her plenty.

Letting her know or see I'm persuing other women, is the game thing again. I'm not the type to date for the sake of dating, I don't go to the bar and find the first attractive girl I see and make a move. I'm the type if I don't get a good vibe or feel I wouldn't ultimately like a girl in the end. I won't waste my time or hers. I'm not going to force myself to find someone. I spent a long time without someone, even going on dates. Then I realize I really like this girl and decide to make a move because she was everything I wanted and liked in a girl.

I really agree with and like this reply. The thing is the ONLY reason I brought up the question to her about me being in the friend zone was because I wanted to know where I stood. If she just wanted a friend I could have let what little feeling built up beyond friendship go and we could continue on as we were. But she said I wasn't in the zone. She said she also found me attractive, funny, liked my personality, and that I was pretty much the male version of her. On top of some other hints. She even told me at this time how another guy pretty much said that he liked her a week or so earlier, but she told him that she didn't think of him that way and didn't want to persue a relationship with him and wanted to be friends. Now I was thinking we'll she would have told me otherwise if she told him that. So now WTF am I supposed to think through all this???????

I really do want to be her friend and don't want to lose that friendship, but in turn I was allowed to believe something else. So I put my heart on my sleeve so to say and pushed it beyond friendship some and began to really like her more and more the more I learned about her I liked her that much more. Now it's hard as hell to go back to what it was. I should have never allowed myself to get to this point, I knew it would. And now I'm feeling hurt. I would ahve never done the same if the roles were reversed.

Thanks again for the replies I appreciate it.

justjt

Yeah bro I feel for yah.

Whats happened here is that now your is attached to some degree and there isn't a do over button on this one.
You have opened that door to your heart and feelings that should in my opinion be protected like Fort Knox or until someone simply rips that door off its hinges....have creeped out and it sucks.
I usually try and find some positive twist on the crazy shit life throws at us...but in this situation its tuff. Its not like you can just gather all your feelings for her, take them back and start over. Cause at this point to try and only be her friend would actually be just teasing yourself with the hope that she will suddenly want to bring you out of the friendzone...and if you do that it's not being fair to yourself.
I am not the love expert by any definition...have had my share of shitty beginnings and endings to relationships (see my post in tilted literature where I tried to contribute to the forum.. theres a closure letter I wrote at the end of my last real serious relationship).
But man if it was me and I was you....like I said call this one and move on...it sounds like she won't be to broken up about it...you gotta look out for yourself before your heart really gets broken...cause those wounds seem to heal the slowest.

Good luck man.

"Look around you and if those that look back don't like what they see...fuck it..tell them to look the other way. Then look inside yourself cause liking what you see there is whats really important!"

J-Dubs

I read your letter in the Literature Forum. I haven't had to go through what you did in that, but I did have a breakup with an ex 3 years ago, but the thing that sucked is there was no closure, no explaination from her as to why at all. Even when I did see her around until she moved it was the cold shoulder treatment.

I would have liked to get an explaination and what not, for thepurpose of closure. The worst part is I got dumped by her after I flew to out to see her while she was away for the summer coaching soccer at a camp. Picked her up only to have her say see ya on the way to the hotel I was staying at.

I had a girlfriend (friend) at hte time tell me she didn't owe me an explaination. I think that she did. Oh well, that one was easy to get over compared to this and I acutally dated that girl. :/ Odd.....

Anyway I don't know how I would have reacted to the situation you were in, hope I never have to deal with that. But I'm sure I wil, don't we all.

777

From what I can tell, she believes you'll leave her side if she confirms that you’re in "the friend zone". And since she appears to like your company, she has no incentive in admitting on which ladder you’re on.

And the way I see it, all the energy and hope and struggling you’re putting into this relationship, can be put to better use with someone who would like a romantic relationship with you.

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Roger Zelazny

Camstyn

Trust me on this one, if you can be cool with just being her friend, you should. Don't hold it against her what she did, any/all girls would have done the same thing. Give up on it ever being anything more than it is. I've gone through a similar ordeal to you. I broke ties with her but only after she took advantage of our friendship. Before that had happened I was enjoying what we had.