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My advice is to find your zen place about this one. You're not going to get her, and the less you can care about that, the easier it will be for you to move on.
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It would have been easier to move on If I knew from the get go, I didn't have a shot I wouldn't have continued on the path I am / was on. I could have went back to being here friend like I was for the previous 2 years I knew her. But I allowed myself to like her in a more than a friend type of way (I guess she did to). Now it's really hard, because I know I lost a shot at a possible relationship with her and more importantly I probably lost a good friend because I wasn't given enough respect to let me know where I stood in her eyes.
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I'd like to think that as both sides grow more mature, these two sides blend together and everyone deals with these situations similarly. That is, being honest and straight-forward about your feelings while considering the other person's desires and then tailoring your response appropriately. Unfortunately, it seems obvious the average person doesn't ever reach that level of maturity.
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I agree wholeheartedly here, I've always tried to be stright forward with things and thought she would have done the same. Since I've known her she has always been that way so I thought she would be with me in this situation. I guess not.
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She has definitely placed you in the friend zone. You asked why women are not staightforward, why she didn't tell you right away when you asked her. In my experience, as soon as I let a guy know that I am not interested in him romantically, he disappears from my life. The guy will not call, will not hang out as friends and pretty much wants nothing to do with me. For that reason, I may not tell a guy straight off that I am not interested because I want to still be friends!
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Well the point is you were straight forward a few times and that's great. But not telling other guys your not interested because you don't want to lose a friend is leading them on and cold hearted in the end. Because 99.9% of the time they'll think they still have a shot, because you're letting them think that.
Now in these cases were you friends with these guys prior? (Years, days, months?) If you told them you were not interested and they bolted are these the types you really want as friends anyway? The one's you want are the one's you can be honest with and they'll stick around and be that friend. The one's who bolt were only around because they wanted to get with you and since they know there is no shot then they are gone. Maybe they bolted because they put all their marbles in the so called basket and told you how they feel and got shot down. Now they are really hurt, so it's easier to walk away and move on. (See the ladder theory posted below)
I was friends with her for years and through other boyfriends.
I've seen that before and never really read through it until now. And I think that it is 100% on point. Great site, more people should read this, including women, they just need to approach it with an open mind.
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Errr - you cant *ask* her if you're in the 'friends zone' and expect a straight answer. If you are in the 'friends zone' then she considers you a friend, and as a friend she doesnt want to hurt your feelings or lose your friendship. So of course she's going to tell you that you're not - you've made an issue of it by asking twice so she knows that you would have a problem with it. She's stringing you along, probably even unintentionally just because shes worried about hurting your feelings.
Personally I've never played these dumb mind-games, but the mind-games handbook says to back off for a while and see what she does. Subtly (very!!) making her aware that you're persuing women besides her may help as well. She may feel that you are being needy by contacting her so much. She also probably feels very much in control of the situation because you've placed the ball in her court and you continually remind her that it's in her court. You need to step up and take some control back... if she's interested, she might show it if she realizes that you're starting to move on and might not be hers if she doesnt do something quick.
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First off I don't play the games, I tried my best to not do it. That's why I brought the Friend thing up. And at the time I asked her if I was in that zone I told if I am I can move on and still be her friend because I at least don't want to lose that. She wouldn't have been hurting my feelings at the time. I would have known where I stand and continued on as a friend or if the news was good changed course and try to persue a deeper relationship. The only way she could have hurt my feelings is doing what she did. Telling me otherwise about how she felt, then placing me in the friend zone. That hurts worse. As my friend I should at least deserve an honest answer, I never backed her in a corner without and option. I gave her plenty.
Letting her know or see I'm persuing other women, is the game thing again. I'm not the type to date for the sake of dating, I don't go to the bar and find the first attractive girl I see and make a move. I'm the type if I don't get a good vibe or feel I wouldn't ultimately like a girl in the end. I won't waste my time or hers. I'm not going to force myself to find someone. I spent a long time without someone, even going on dates. Then I realize I really like this girl and decide to make a move because she was everything I wanted and liked in a girl.
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It's one thing if two people of the opposite sex start out and both agree and desire to keep it in the friendzone........
But it is a completely different issue when one gets placed there and their feelings are of a more than friends desire.
Hey if outside of your feelings of attraction and desire you really like this girl as a person and have a need for her as a friend in your life then onward my friend and have fun in the friendzone. But if your feelings and desires are real strong for this girl and you don't feel the same strong friendship elements as she does and you really desire more......I say chalk this one up as a tuff lesson in life and add her to the learning curve before you end up gettin strung out, played out and hurt on a deeper level.
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I really agree with and like this reply. The thing is the ONLY reason I brought up the question to her about me being in the friend zone was because I wanted to know where I stood. If she just wanted a friend I could have let what little feeling built up beyond friendship go and we could continue on as we were. But she said I wasn't in the zone. She said she also found me attractive, funny, liked my personality, and that I was pretty much the male version of her. On top of some other hints. She even told me at this time how another guy pretty much said that he liked her a week or so earlier, but she told him that she didn't think of him that way and didn't want to persue a relationship with him and wanted to be friends. Now I was thinking we'll she would have told me otherwise if she told him that. So now WTF am I supposed to think through all this???????
I really do want to be her friend and don't want to lose that friendship, but in turn I was allowed to believe something else. So I put my heart on my sleeve so to say and pushed it beyond friendship some and began to really like her more and more the more I learned about her I liked her that much more. Now it's hard as hell to go back to what it was. I should have never allowed myself to get to this point, I knew it would. And now I'm feeling hurt. I would ahve never done the same if the roles were reversed.
Thanks again for the replies I appreciate it.