aintyoboyfriend

Ok, it's rare that I ask the TFProject for advice, but I am really torn on this one.

I met a young lady through a message board (not this one) and we met on friendly terms. We got to know each other and really hit it off. I knew that she was married, seperated from her husband for a while, and the divorce papers are in the works.

We hung out again, and really hit it off. We slept together, and things have gotten kind of serious since then, we are spending a good majority of our time together.

Now, am I setting myself up for failure? I really like this girl, and for the last few weeks have been just "going with it" and ignoring my second thoughts, but now that things are getting a little serious, I am thinking maybe I should think this one through.

So, what do I do?

ruggerp11

so is she divorced, getting divorced or cheating?

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Do What makes you happy
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BUT!
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aintyoboyfriend

Getting divorced from my understanding - they seperated months ago.

Blackthorn

Why guys want to fool around with married women baffles me. There are a lot of unmarried women around who come without the possibility that someone might be looking over their shoulder ready to shoot you for messing with the Mrs... even if "the papers are in the works".

I prefer fewer complications in an already complicated world but that's just me.

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What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

maleficent

seperated can mean anything from - I'm punishing him for going out drinking with the boys and he looked at another woman and I want to see what else is out there, but really deep down I'm going to go back to him.... to He's a prick, I don't know what I was thinking when I said yes... and I'm just waiting in the papers...

I'm with young Blackthorn, above, there are plenty of available women out there,if you are having second thoughts it's because you think something isn't right (or you are scared of committment Women are told to listen to their instincts, men shoudl be told the same thing... if you don't think it seems right.. it's not.

You are starting to get serious about her, and I think if you thought she was really availbe (meaning - she's waiting by the mailbox with pen inhand for those divorce papers) then you wouldn' be asking the question....

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bad jane

well, divorces can take years to go through. and even she is the one who wanted and initiated the divorce and her husband was a complete dirtbag--she's still going to have issues to work through.

any chance on her going back to him? as in, if he did a complete turnaround and became everything she so desperately wanted him to be while they were married--would she take him back? unrealistic i know, but this is a pretty good way to determine how she feels about him. sometimes the heated emotions that lead to divorce mask what people still really feel. she may say she hates his guts and hopes he rots in hell, but that emotion might be coming from feeling hurt and if he did the appropriate make-up actions, she'd forgive and they'd live happily ever after.

you the first guy she's seen since seperating from her husband? how long were they married/together? did she date much before meeting him? do you know why they are getting divorced and will that have any impact on your relationship with her?

kudos to you for taking the time to think through this. i've seen this type of situation work out well and i've seen it end very nasty. which way it goes, depends on a ton of factors. if she has unrealistic expectations for a relationship and that is why she's getting divorced, or she's on the rebound--bad news for you (unless you just enjoy that sort of baggage). if she's over him and worked through her own issues regarding the divorce, then you may end up having a perfectly wonderful relationship with this woman.

Sugarmouse

are there children involved?this is JMHO, but marriage is a relationship..just one that is alil more complicated to move on from cos of societial reasons!there is no reason you could not both be very happy together, if the relationship is defnitly over.sure there may b complications..but it could be a lot worse!!

good luck!!


J

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Sugarmouse=Festered

ktspktsp

Hmm.. The way you say it, you don't seem to be too sure.

Since you obviously have doubts, you should just talk to her and find out how separated she really is. It's a fair question.

justjt

Everything about this shouts out trouble for you.....
Seperated could mean so many things to someone having troubles in thier relationship.
I know that when I went throught my divorce there wasn't really a seperation period...were both over it and couldn't wait for it to be over.
When I hear the "we are seperated" answer..."and it has been that way for a few months"...that says to me that there are still some feelings there on whatever side and it still could maybe work out...which would leave you holdin the shit end of the stick.

Life is to short to stress over it....chalk it up as a life experience...smile at the memories of the sex...then tell her it's time to be a big girl and handle her shit, get her divorce finalized and get set-up on her own... so it doesn't roll over into your life.
After she addresses her drama tell her to come on back by and you can continue on...if she really likes you as much as she's telling you, she will understand and wanna do the right thing......BUT!!! If she doesn't and she gets bent....then she is definately not worth the time or effort and maybe that is why she this "seperation" is happening!!
Good luck!!!

Coppertop

I did this for three years. She never left him, even though she said she would. It (meaning we) ended in a huge mess. My advice would be to make sure she is totally detached from this guy before you do anything else. Really detached, not almost detached.

Be careful, whatever you do.

analog

Not to be curt, and not for my curtness to relay any feelings that would indicate I don't care about your situation, but my opinion is merely one word: Rebound.

More than likely, she's simply looking for someone to, in the parlance of our times, "fuck", and get over her failed relationship (and help her feel better about herself that she can still get a man, and still feel special and liked, and all that).

Esen

Analog beat me to it,
Reboubd situation in the works here.

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~Esen
What is everyone doing in my room?

pan6467

Back in my addiction days, I dated married women (seperated, living together 'but only because of the kids" ... etc) pretty much exclusively and years into recovery looking back I realized I did this because I didn't have to look at how fucked up my own life was.

If she pointed out, I gambled too much, or had problems with this or that or couldn't hold a job...... i coul yell back at how she was a slut cheating on her husband, or the fact she was a bad mommy because she was over here fucking me and leaving her kids with someone else....... etc.

Make sure you are not seeing her for those reasons or similar ones. Make sure you know how you feel about her and if she feels and is willing to do what is needed to be with you, then great...... if not get out of the relationship.

Believe it or not dating married women sucks with the self esteem/ego and jealousy issues abound.

I'm sure she's a great woman, but right now, she's messed up in the head and you don't need that in your life right now, because 99% of the time (just as married men do to their "other woman") they never leave and just play head games, and keep you dangling for their own amusement.

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

bad jane

my ex and i were seperated for several months before getting divorced but it had nothing to do with wanting to make the marriage work--it just took that long to get the paperwork completed, filed and wait for the court to approve it. if we'd had children or any real assets, the process would have been more involved and taken even longer. granted, saying "seperated" can mean anything from "we're having a fight and at opposite ends of town tonight" to "the divorce will be final in 2 hours." not enough info here to know which end of the spectrum this woman is on. but it is quite common for someone to classify themselves as seperated while going through the divorce process. you aren't divorced at that point, you are married but not together--seperated.

rebound is a possibility--but not the only one. emotionally stable people do exist in the world and they don't need rebound relationships to feel better about themselves. i never had a rebound relationship after my ex. the man i started seeing while i was seperated is the man i'm still seeing three years later. my best friend went through a similar situation with her divorce and dating her fiance--she was newly seperated when she met her fiance and now they are planning their wedding. so rebounds may be common, but they certainly aren't standard.

assuming the info in his posts is accurate--she is seperated and in the process of divorcing her husband, where do you get this assumption? she's messed up in the head and playing games at his expense?

i'm not saying this relationship is destined for paradise, but i don't see anything in his posts to indicate it's doomed either or that this woman is somehow dysfunctional or evil because she just happens to be going through a divorce.

i was in this woman's shoes not that long ago. going through a divorce and happened to meet a great guy. i wasn't looking for a relationship, the relationship found me. that's not to say i didn't come out of my divorce with a bit more baggage than the day i started it--but not once did i play any sort of game with my bf. and i was very far from being messed up in the head. the majority of my issues were dealt with long before the actual divorce process started--that's the reason we were getting divorced. if there was a chance in hell things would have worked, i'd have stuck it out. when the marriage hit rock bottom and i knew there wasn't hope, i knew it was time to get out. while figuring that out, i mourned the loss of my marriage and the happily ever after life i'd envisioned on my wedding day.

some of these posts make it sound like divorce happens overnight and it doesn't. it's a process and it takes time to even get to the point where you start looking at divorce as an option. then you have the waiting on paperwork, splitting up the assets and the sluggish court system to deal with. that is lots of time for a person to deal with the issues they may have regarding their marriage and it's demise.

pan6467

I spoke from my own personal experiences having been in quite a few relationships with married and "seperated" women.

But yes seperated and waiting for a divorce is different than just seperated (as I know from myself this past year)...... but it is impossible not to have baggage and to be going through a seperation/divorce and not have issues that affect the other person (whether consciously or sub). Hence the word "games"..... I didn't mean she would intentionally play them.... but unless she is 100% secure in herself and the situation, he will be affected.

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Bill O'Rights

Change the word "three" to the word "two"...and I pretty much wrote this.
Oh...and change "Be careful, whatever you do.", to "RUN!! As fast as you can. Do not look back. Do not falter. Do not hesitate. Run as if the devil himself were on your ass...'cause he is. And he's gaining you."

Seriously...what I thought was wonderful, was really just two years of having my head played with, like a favorite old toy. Two years of riding an emotional roller coaster. Two years of having my heart ripped out, chewed up, stomped on, and shoved back into my chest for the next time. Two years of my life...that I'll never get back.

Trust this goofy old fuck. I've sailed those murky waters. There...be monsters.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

bad jane

true. but when is the last time you met anyone who didn't have issues that impacted the person they were in a relationship with? that's the nature of relationships--what influences my life, also influeces my partner's life. we all have baggage, you just have to find someone who's personal baggage is not more than you are willing to deal with.

not saying there aren't issues she'll need to work through on her own as a result of her divorce--just that she may already have done that. i was finished with that well before my divorce was final. hell, i'd done much of it before the decision to divorce was final.

and the comment definitely brings to mind that the games would not only be intentional, but she'd find pleasure in it as well. i realize it is from your personal experience--which is why when commenting on your post, i asked where this came from in regards to the op. you were dating women who were in the process of deciding to divorce their husbands or not. the op said the woman he's seeing has already made that decision and is in the process of divorce. you've already acknowledged the two aren't the same, i just wanted to clarify why i thought your first post seemed to be out in left field somewhere

mr sticky

Just as an observation, but relationships are based on trust and communication. If you are not sure where she is in her relationship, and you are posting here because you have your doubts, then I would say, even if she is on the up and up, your relationship is off to a crappy start.
You need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with her ASAP!

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The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

Zegel

Huh, I guess everyone has their own experiences eh.

Based on my personal experience, I'd say give it a chance. My Wife was still married when we began dating. She had been seperated from her ex for about six months, but hadnt began the divorce proceedings yet because of the cost. Today when we talk about our first date, she refers to it as a "Grilling Session" where I wouldnt stop asking questions about her ex (When did he move out? How are things between you and him? Do you still have feelings for him? Does he still have feelings for you? Is he going to hit me with a large pipe when we walk out the restaurant door?). She answered truthfully and I believed her.

Despite the awkwardness, you have to ask those kinds of questions and know exactly what's going on. Her relationship with her ex *will* effect you and your new relationship, in a great many ways. Plus, if you get her to talk about it enough she'll tell you all the stuff he did that led to the divorce - a handy guide of "Things that really piss this woman off and should be avoided at all costs."

Good luck!

bettaa

married woman= teh trouble in my book....

Cimarron29414

Here's how you find out how serious she is about leaving him: make her bring you a copy of the divorce filing or separation agreement to the next date

Besides, there's nothing more romantic than reading them in front of an open fire.

In all seriousness, get out. Too many fish out there to be messing with ones that are hurting. Can you say rebound?

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jay-g

typhus

I agree. If she has left him and he still loves her then things could get messy. Personally I would break it off, at least until the divorece is final. Who knows, it could save your life.

pan6467

When I dated married women, I kept 3 things in mind.....

1) If she cheats on her husband with you (seperated or not), she'll cheat on you.

2a) If she lives with her husband, there is always the question of are they or aren't they?

2b) If seperated, you only have one side and never truly know if she is using you just as "revenge", "attention", "Look I've moved on", "look I'm going to hurt you" messages to her husband.

3) Will she leave me for another man if something happens and I don't please her?

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"