how to deal with my guts being torn out.. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

justadude · 05-28-2003, 03:31 PM

ok guys (and you girls that can be honest with a guy that's really disillusioned right now) i just had my guts torn out and handed to me by a girl that i thought was better than that...

we have been dating for about 4 months now, but have been best friends with her for more than a year before we ever "took the plunge". this girl is probably the first girl i've ever felt comfortable with giving my feelings and doing it without holding back and i did just that. i tried to be the good guy and tell her what i was feeling and what i wanted from her (big mistake guys, keep that stuff a mystery!)... i gave everything i had and fell hard for her fast!

i could type for pages and pages giving you background on the situation, but long story short, she went away on holidays and came back with the "i've got feelings for someone else"....

i haven't been able to sleep, eat or function normally at work since she dropped the bomb and i feel totally betrayed. now, before you guys jump all over me and tell me that i'm a baby, suck it up and get over it, please understand i'm a guy that falls hard when i do (and that's not often) and i've totally got a problem i don't know how to deal with right now...

any and all suggestions would be great to hear... (and if there are good women out there that have advice, i'd be glad to hear it)

Mondak · 05-28-2003, 03:41 PM

Curious - about how old are you?

Just looking for some perspective before throwing out any feedback.

justadude · 05-28-2003, 03:44 PM

that's the kicker, i'm 26 (old enough to know that my feelings for her were real...)

she's 29 in case that makes any difference?

HFrankenstein · 05-28-2003, 03:54 PM

You've learned an extremely valuable lesson, justadude: never pour your heart out to a girl. You can't imagine how impressed I am that you figured it out so quickly. Kudos to you.

Now the advice: Take it easy for the time being. You're in a lot of pain right now, and that's just fine. Just concentrate on keeping your head together for now. I've found that meditation can help, personally. Considering she also wronged you quite a bit, it might also help to learn to hate her. Mean of me to say, I know, but it's the truth.

As soon as you're ready to find someone else, do it, and never mention your ex to anyone ever again. When you find a woman you like, screw caution and just go for it. Cautious guys are the ones who wind up as 45-year-old bachelors.

Like Mondak, I'm also curious about your age. I'm gonna place my guess at anywhere between 15 and 22 (accept my apologies if I'm guessing way too low). If you're still high school age, then all the advice I have for you is that any dating that takes place between now and graduation is completely moot. High school romance, for lack of a better way to phrase it, simply doesn't count.

If you're out of high school, then I have plenty of dating advice for you, but concentrate on getting over this girl first.

HFrankenstein · 05-28-2003, 03:56 PM

Okay, so you posted before I did. Sorry to have assumed on your age.

justadude · 05-28-2003, 04:06 PM

hf...

thanks for your advice, i've read a lot of your posts and from what i've seen you're right on the money with most of what you say.

i honestly never figured i'd react this way if things went downhill, but you're right, i'm hurting BIG TIME....

i think where i'm really in a problem is that i don't have a ton of dating experience since i've become of "adult" age... i've been single for most of my 20's because i just never found anyone i really made a connection with to take it anywhere. this girl was different, and i let myself get totally involved in no time flat...and now i'm paying for it.

thanks for any support/advice you have...talking about this mess is all i have right now to get me through the day.

Conclamo Ludus · 05-28-2003, 04:26 PM

Take care of YOU and only YOU for about the next year, if a new gal hasn't found you by then, you'll find her at the end of your sabbatical. That doesn't mean don't get laid for a year!

It means only look out for you. Like you said though, you're old enough to know your feelings are real when they get there. Go spend some money on yourself, take a vacation, go visit an old friend, try new things, get a hobby, check out that other bar you've always meant to scope out, get some exercise, before you know it time will slowly slip her out of your mind, and you'll be focused on what deserves your attention. Remember the POWER of being alone! Self-preservation.

HFrankenstein · 05-28-2003, 05:14 PM

I'm flattered. :P

Don't worry about making connections. It's rare to make a big connection with someone before you've been dating a while (a couple months or so). Just find a woman you like, take her out on a few dates if she lets you, and just have fun. If you make a connection, great, but don't pass a girl up just because you don't connect right away.

Lebell · 05-28-2003, 05:59 PM

Sigh.

From an older comrade:

You did nothing wrong.

Sometimes this happens.

It hurts, but time is what you need.

Someday you will need to get back up on the horse.

But to repeat, TIME is what you need now. Time to cry, time to heal.

Best of luck,

-lebell

HFrankenstein · 05-28-2003, 06:12 PM

Just don't let any women see you cry. They hate that.

gibber71 · 05-29-2003, 06:10 AM

Ahh,..the went away on holiday's and got banged story.Trust me ,don't worry about it. This happens to everyone. If anything,you should be happy( and I mean doing backflips kind of happy) because you may not realize it now,but she just did you the biggest favour in the world. In years to come,when she continually calls you telling you she made the biggest mistake of her life by letting you go, just remember,YOU ARE THE BETTER PERSON.

And by the way,don't forget to thank her for making you realize that.

HFrankenstein · 05-29-2003, 06:36 AM

AGH, no!

My apologies, gibber71, but justadude, don't do that. Don't thank her for making you realize that you're the better person. You certainly are, no doubt about it, and you <i>should</i> realize it, but don't tell her that. You don't know how many women in your area that she might know. Bad reps spread quick in the female subspace network.

Take the breakup gracefully. When she realizes her mistake and comes to you with it (and she just might), go ahead and rub it in her face, but be subtle about it. "Well, I appreciate the apology, but fact is, I was over you the moment you cheated on me. I'm sorry, but you know it's over between us just as well as I do. Please stop calling me." Something like that.

Otherwise, I agree with gibber.

geep · 05-29-2003, 07:24 AM

Sorry to disagree with you HF but...

Don't rub her face in it you might need her again someday (funny how life seems to go in circles but it does) If you see her be cordial and HUMAN but protect yourself and your feelings from her because she is not trustworthy enough to let her inside again. Any emotion shown towards her, good or bad leaves you vulnerable. You may be hurt again.

Although you may never get over the hurt, my advice is to learn and let go.

HFrankenstein · 05-29-2003, 07:28 AM

I probably should have phrased it differently. It's not quite rubbing her face in it, more like pushing the realization that she's already made. Kinda like reinforcing her knowledge that she's made a mistake. Know what I mean?

ganon · 05-29-2003, 08:49 AM

nothing a shotgun and a drive by can't solve, eh?! You trusted her, and she shit on you. Sounds like she got totally scared and ran away to something more comfortable. I have two feelings on this one, one is to hold her feet to the fire and make her accountable for what she has done, the other is to ditch her, and try in the next relationship to set things up better before you let yourself become totally vulnerable. The next time, let the person know that you have been burned big time, and that the trust is hard to come by, but that you know the new girl isn't the old girl, and that it will happen when the time is right.

HFrankenstein · 05-29-2003, 08:54 AM

I disagree. <i>Never</i> mention your past relationships, not even indirectly, the way ganon is suggesting. If you tell her you've been hurt before, you're letting it all out again, which is a big no-no.

ganon · 05-29-2003, 10:16 AM

yeah, i can see that point. I am just such a trusting s.o.b. that i can't help myself.

majik_6 · 05-29-2003, 01:35 PM

I don't have great advice for you, but I can say that I feel for you.

After two and a half years, my now ex ended things about two weeks ago. It was expected, but hurt, since She was all I'd known for over 1/6th of my life. She had been one of my two absolute best friends in highschool for about 2 years before we got together and I shared almost everything with her.

All I can say is, time will heal it. Know that if she's leaving you for someone else, then she obviously wasn't TOTALLY open with you, and just be thankful (yeah, it's hard) that you didn't make it too far before realizing that.

A sign at a local sandwich has the line "love like you've never been hurt" and I think that's VERY true. Be more careful next time, but don't be afraid to put yourself into a relationship, heart, mind and body. Just know what you need to keep yourself happy and sane, and be sure to give yourself the alone time you need to make sure that you're ready for your next relationship and to make sure you know what you need for yourself in a relationship.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that everything improves for you, since you really sound like a genuine, caring individual.

308 holez · 05-29-2003, 03:59 PM

Where ois the girl from when you were 20? You were probably in love then too, but if girl A was still around, then girl B never would have occurred. and C, and D, and so on. Everyone you have contact with can teach you valuable lessons, or break you heart and you can't live with them or without them. Trust me, in 10 yrs, you won't be able to remember this last girl's full name, address, phone number, or the cool thing she did with her tongue. So why wait that long to get over her? the only person guaranteed to be there for you is... you. Appreciate the time with her, recognize the areas you've grown, and promise yourself you won't impose any silly "been hurt before" rules on the next person who shares their heart with you. They don't need to live by rules created because your ex hurt you.

Robert DeNiro in the movie Heat had the right idea. Love who you want, but always be prepared to walk away from them.

remember, even though your ex is with someone now, chances are your next girlfriend is with someone too! enjoy the time you have, respect the women who share their love with you, and don't choose anyone over your family or close friends. they will be the ones who have to listen to you gaga over the next one, and then console you when it's over.

in the meantime, may I recommend some good porn?

http://tfproject.org/tfp/showthread....&threadid=7875

Washington · 05-30-2003, 04:48 AM

Go buy a surplus Mauser and go to Delaware State park.

The kick on that thing will cause amnesia!

Nothing like shooting a big gun to forget your troubles.

justadude · 05-30-2003, 05:54 AM

to everyone who has posted in this thread THANK YOU. and i mean that sincerely, i'm pretty new to this board and i really thought i was in for some rough responses when i posted (but just wanted to vent regardless) and i have read all of the posts on here a couple of times and i have nothing but respect for everything that has been said and for those of you that have been good enough to try and help.

i'm still pretty busted up over it, but it's only been a couple of days. i've talked to my close friends about it, and i've talked to her about it to let her know the absolute sense of betrayal i'm feeling, not only as "boyfriend/girlfriend" but as someone i considered a very good friend long before that...

i really don't think she understands (and that hurts too, cause i thought she was the kinda person that would and would have the compassion to admit and help me deal with it)...so i'm trying to get through this thing leaning on the shoulders of my closest friends (and family)

it's hurting pretty bad, but i know time will help and reading these posts have made me feel a lot better this morning so again THANK YOU.

(at some point, i'll get over this and not be a head case member of the board, so if everyone is patient, at some point i'll try to be a "positive" member of the board)

308 holez · 05-30-2003, 04:37 PM

you'll be contributing by simply showing what you're feeling. 156 people have read this, and probably learned a bit from your pain. It's all good, man.

Remember, if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

OzOz · 05-31-2003, 12:58 AM

Also, keep yourself busy on other things so that you don't have time to dwell on her. It'll help her fade faster.

Hope you can bounce back soon.

-Ever- · 05-31-2003, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by 308 holez
you'll be contributing by simply showing what you're feeling. 156 people have read this, and probably learned a bit from your pain. It's all good, man.

I'm one of em. It's nice to see that other people are going thorough what I am right now... It's too bad that I'm realizing that relationships can be so sketchy sometimes, but it's good to know that It's not just me being stepped on.
One thing that is hard for me to grasp is the common saying "don't give your heart away." I tend to do this, but only when it's mutual. This leads to an amazing high of love and enjoyment, but for sure leads to an ultimate low if it ever comes around. I don't like the idea of holding back emotion. I dunno...

rockzilla · 06-04-2003, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by -Ever-
I'm one of em. It's nice to see that other people are going thorough what I am right now...

I went through the same thing a few months ago, it sucked for sure, but the feeling goes away faster than you'd think. Until then, do what you gotta do, sulk, get drunk, listen to old country western albums, howl at the moon, whatever. Eventually you'll resurface a little wiser and better off.

Besides, what's wrong with being single?

Fallon · 06-06-2003, 09:10 AM

Hey man, don't worry about being a headcase, been there. In my situation, the girl did almost all of what happened to you, except the holiday thing. Turns out, she stopped liking me a week or two earlier, but she didn't want to hurt me because it was close to valentines day. Long story short, heart ripped out day before valentines day. So, since I've had a stigma about it. But anywho. I relied totally on my friends, online and offline. My friends online probably know more about me then any of my real life friends. Like someone said, eventually, anger will set in about what has been done to you, and that's a good sign. Don't be angry with yourself though, from what I've been able to read about your situation you never did anything wrong. Took me quite awhile to figure that out myself in my situation. It doesn't seem like it can be true, but it is.
Advice for you now after about a week is try to go out into a social setting, like a mall, and start trying to enjoy life again.

geep · 06-06-2003, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by -Ever-
One thing that is hard for me to grasp is the common saying "don't give your heart away." I tend to do this, but only when it's mutual. This leads to an amazing high of love and enjoyment, but for sure leads to an ultimate low if it ever comes around. I don't like the idea of holding back emotion. I dunno...

Only someone who has lost before can taste the true sweetness of victory.

Sparhawk · 06-06-2003, 01:30 PM

You farted while she was going down on you, admit it.

/kevin smith reference

If there's a man alive who hasn't lived through a close approximation of what you just went through, then (he's a lucky bastard and I hate him) he hasn't lived an experienced life, a life worthy of being called a life. You are absolutely on the right track by turning to family and friends at this point. Good on ya, you seem to be on the right track.

justadude · 06-06-2003, 09:10 PM

it's been almost a week and i can't say things are a whole lot better, i still think about her a million times a day, but i've gone a week now without saying a word to her (other than a polite "hi" cause we work together)...but the feelings are still there pretty strong. some days it's the sex and "close time" i miss, and others it's just having her around to talk to and laugh with.

i'm really hate life when i put myself through the wringer of thinking about it (i'm a pretty "reflective" person, so i do a lot of thinking when i'm alone, which now happens to be a lot)

the work thing is killing me, cause i'm not doing my job the way i should be cause i know she's sitting right down the hall, and if i wanted to i could go and talk to her, but a very good friend of mine at work keeps reminding me that she's not going to say what i want to hear...

these are the times i wish i drank, cause i'd like to just numb my feelings for a couple of weeks (even though i know that's not the best way to handle it). all the shitty hours i've spent in the last week thinking about her are starting to add up and i'm exhausted...

(rant, rave, babble...just gotta get it out. thanks for listening, and again for the advice and understanding words so far...)

KeyserSoze · 06-06-2003, 10:37 PM

Dude,

You knew eachother for less then 2 years, but I know how it feels to have your FUKIN GUT RIPPED AND HANDED to ya.

My ex and I dated for 31/2 years, she had a 16 month old when we started dating that I fell head over heels for. I paid her rent, bought her a car, took care of Anne when she needed time alone and was completely,deeply,madly, head over heels for her and her daughter. The night before I was to propose to her she said she was going to the movies with a girlfriend and I went out with my buddy. Gil and I were walking down the street headed to a pool hall and as I look across the street I see my boss coming out of a restaurant with her, she is all over him.........my heart fukin sank like a rock. It took 3 years to get over her and during that time she would still let me see her daughter(I loved that child)

We have become friends but I will never forget the feelings I felt for those three years, it was a pain I thought would never go away. Writing this brings it back a little but whatever you do, know that it will go away and your life will continue. Don't harbor a resentment or hatred it only prolongs the pain.

Good luck my friend

KeyserSoze · 06-06-2003, 10:41 PM

Ps. A little tip an old timer taught me. Get yourself a little notepad, and each time you have a thought about her, write it down crumple it up and throw it away. I must have went through 200 notepads in my day

madsenj37 · 06-06-2003, 11:20 PM

This happened to me. I was 19, she was 21-2ish. She gave me the Im not looking for a relationship spiel. I guess I was just a month too early cause she started dating my friend after that. Shit happens. You need time for yourself, time away from her. It hurts and it will hurt more. In the long run though, its a good learning experience. Becoming good friends witha girl first is not the best path to take.

BoCo · 06-07-2003, 07:34 AM

Welcome to the club, buddy.

I have no advice for you since I continue to make the same mistakes as every other guy out there.

Tom Thumb · 06-07-2003, 08:22 AM

They say a broken heart is like a bad stomachache. Hurts like hell for a couple months but goes away when you stop paying attention.

So you'll have to give it time. I think the important thing is to look back on it positively after you're over it.

-Ever- · 06-07-2003, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by geep
Only someone who has lost before can taste the true sweetness of victory.

'

Kinda lost me with that one. I understand what the quote means, but not sure what it has to do with me. Care to explain?

justadude · 06-08-2003, 12:58 PM

just finished talking with the "ex"...and what an eye opening conversation... a whole lot of "you act like your 16, i can't stand to talk to you anymore, can't you be more professional, i wish i had have ended this when i wanted to (3 months ago apparently...but of course i guilt tripped her into staying...*cough* *cough* BULLSHIT!) and blah, blah, blah..."

all i had to say to her was if tearing me down made her feel better then she was on the right track. i told her i still have feelings for her and they wouldn't change, but that hearing her say those things i'd definitely try to push them a lot deeper down than i was hoping too...

we talked and i tried to explain that i might be handling this poorly in her eyes and that i wasn't overly impressed with myself either, but it is the way i'm dealing with it and i am having a hard time doing it any other way (get all weird when i see her at work, wanna talk to her but can't without breaking down, etc...) and i also told her, that i'm at the point that i don't really care what she thinks about how she sees my "dealing strategy" cause if i try to take that into account, i'll be in the funny farm!!!

so for today... *$%^ her! she's up there on her pedestal judging me and i'm not in any state to defend it, so if she doesn't like it she can $%^& herself!

at the end of our conversation, she apologized for saying things and being too harsh and lashing out with things she didn't mean to say, but i believe that a lot of things said in anger are true feelings that are just looking for a place to come out...so i'm putting them in my back pocket to help me get over her and through this mess...

(another venting brought to you by the #$%^ed up situation my life has turned into!! thanks for having a forum to let it out!)

Atropos4 · 06-08-2003, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by justadude
so for today... *$%^ her! she's up there on her pedestal judging me and i'm not in any state to defend it, so if she doesn't like it she can $%^& herself!

at the end of our conversation, she apologized for saying things and being too harsh and lashing out with things she didn't mean to say, but i believe that a lot of things said in anger are true feelings that are just looking for a place to come out...so i'm putting them in my back pocket to help me get over her and through this mess...

Good for you. Sounds like she actually helped you in a way. Everytime you start to miss her pull that conversation out of your back pocket.

geep · 06-09-2003, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by -Ever-
'

Kinda lost me with that one. I understand what the quote means, but not sure what it has to do with me. Care to explain?

Just refering to the highs and lows of relationships. If you hold back because you don't like or can't take the lows, you may not experience or miss the truly great highs. It's kind of like long shot betting. If you always take the 2 to 1 odds you may win more often but you're never gonna get the big pay outs you would've had on the 50 to 1 odds. You seemed to say that and I was just editorializing on what you had said. Sorry to be confusing.

-Ever- · 06-09-2003, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by geep
Just refering to the highs and lows of relationships. If you hold back because you don't like or can't take the lows, you may not experience or miss the truly great highs. It's kind of like long shot betting. If you always take the 2 to 1 odds you may win more often but you're never gonna get the big pay outs you would've had on the 50 to 1 odds. You seemed to say that and I was just editorializing on what you had said. Sorry to be confusing.

Got ya! Sorry bout that. But yeah I just couldn't imagine not giving much love away for security reasons because the payoffs from this seem like they would be so minimal. I dunno

RatKingX · 06-17-2003, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by HFrankenstein

Considering she also wronged you quite a bit, it might also help to learn to hate her. Mean of me to say, I know, but it's the truth.

I[/B]

Truer words were never spoken. Never underestimate the power of hate to solve all of your problems in this arena.

05-28-2003, 03:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
justadude Upright	how to deal with my guts being torn out.. ok guys (and you girls that can be honest with a guy that's really disillusioned right now) i just had my guts torn out and handed to me by a girl that i thought was better than that... we have been dating for about 4 months now, but have been best friends with her for more than a year before we ever "took the plunge". this girl is probably the first girl i've ever felt comfortable with giving my feelings and doing it without holding back and i did just that. i tried to be the good guy and tell her what i was feeling and what i wanted from her (big mistake guys, keep that stuff a mystery!)... i gave everything i had and fell hard for her fast! i could type for pages and pages giving you background on the situation, but long story short, she went away on holidays and came back with the "i've got feelings for someone else".... i haven't been able to sleep, eat or function normally at work since she dropped the bomb and i feel totally betrayed. now, before you guys jump all over me and tell me that i'm a baby, suck it up and get over it, please understand i'm a guy that falls hard when i do (and that's not often) and i've totally got a problem i don't know how to deal with right now... any and all suggestions would be great to hear... (and if there are good women out there that have advice, i'd be glad to hear it)

05-28-2003, 03:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Mondak Industrialist Location: Southern California	Curious - about how old are you? Just looking for some perspective before throwing out any feedback. __________________ All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed Second, it is violently opposed and Third, it is accepted as self-evident. ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER (1788-1860)

05-28-2003, 03:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	You've learned an extremely valuable lesson, justadude: never pour your heart out to a girl. You can't imagine how impressed I am that you figured it out so quickly. Kudos to you. Now the advice: Take it easy for the time being. You're in a lot of pain right now, and that's just fine. Just concentrate on keeping your head together for now. I've found that meditation can help, personally. Considering she also wronged you quite a bit, it might also help to learn to hate her. Mean of me to say, I know, but it's the truth. As soon as you're ready to find someone else, do it, and never mention your ex to anyone ever again. When you find a woman you like, screw caution and just go for it. Cautious guys are the ones who wind up as 45-year-old bachelors. Like Mondak, I'm also curious about your age. I'm gonna place my guess at anywhere between 15 and 22 (accept my apologies if I'm guessing way too low). If you're still high school age, then all the advice I have for you is that any dating that takes place between now and graduation is completely moot. High school romance, for lack of a better way to phrase it, simply doesn't count. If you're out of high school, then I have plenty of dating advice for you, but concentrate on getting over this girl first. __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

05-28-2003, 03:56 PM	#5 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	Okay, so you posted before I did. Sorry to have assumed on your age. __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

05-28-2003, 04:26 PM	#7 (permalink)
Conclamo Ludus Modern Man Location: West Michigan	Take care of YOU and only YOU for about the next year, if a new gal hasn't found you by then, you'll find her at the end of your sabbatical. That doesn't mean don't get laid for a year! It means only look out for you. Like you said though, you're old enough to know your feelings are real when they get there. Go spend some money on yourself, take a vacation, go visit an old friend, try new things, get a hobby, check out that other bar you've always meant to scope out, get some exercise, before you know it time will slowly slip her out of your mind, and you'll be focused on what deserves your attention. Remember the POWER of being alone! Self-preservation. __________________ Lord, have mercy on my wicked soul I wouldn't mistreat you baby, for my weight in gold. -Son House, Death Letter Blues

05-28-2003, 03:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
justadude Upright	that's the kicker, i'm 26 (old enough to know that my feelings for her were real...) she's 29 in case that makes any difference?

05-28-2003, 04:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
justadude Upright	hf... thanks for your advice, i've read a lot of your posts and from what i've seen you're right on the money with most of what you say. i honestly never figured i'd react this way if things went downhill, but you're right, i'm hurting BIG TIME.... i think where i'm really in a problem is that i don't have a ton of dating experience since i've become of "adult" age... i've been single for most of my 20's because i just never found anyone i really made a connection with to take it anywhere. this girl was different, and i let myself get totally involved in no time flat...and now i'm paying for it. thanks for any support/advice you have...talking about this mess is all i have right now to get me through the day.

05-28-2003, 05:14 PM	#8 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	I'm flattered. :P Don't worry about making connections. It's rare to make a big connection with someone before you've been dating a while (a couple months or so). Just find a woman you like, take her out on a few dates if she lets you, and just have fun. If you make a connection, great, but don't pass a girl up just because you don't connect right away. __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

05-28-2003, 05:59 PM	#9 (permalink)
Lebell Cracking the Whip Location: Sexymama's arms...	Sigh. From an older comrade: You did nothing wrong. Sometimes this happens. It hurts, but time is what you need. Someday you will need to get back up on the horse. But to repeat, TIME is what you need now. Time to cry, time to heal. Best of luck, -lebell __________________ "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU! Please Donate!

05-28-2003, 06:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	Just don't let any women see you cry. They hate that. __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

05-29-2003, 06:10 AM	#11 (permalink)
gibber71 Loser	Ahh,..the went away on holiday's and got banged story.Trust me ,don't worry about it. This happens to everyone. If anything,you should be happy( and I mean doing backflips kind of happy) because you may not realize it now,but she just did you the biggest favour in the world. In years to come,when she continually calls you telling you she made the biggest mistake of her life by letting you go, just remember,YOU ARE THE BETTER PERSON. And by the way,don't forget to thank her for making you realize that. Last edited by gibber71; 05-29-2003 at 06:14 AM..

05-29-2003, 06:36 AM	#12 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	AGH, no! My apologies, gibber71, but justadude, don't do that. Don't thank her for making you realize that you're the better person. You certainly are, no doubt about it, and you <i>should</i> realize it, but don't tell her that. You don't know how many women in your area that she might know. Bad reps spread quick in the female subspace network. Take the breakup gracefully. When she realizes her mistake and comes to you with it (and she just might), go ahead and rub it in her face, but be subtle about it. "Well, I appreciate the apology, but fact is, I was over you the moment you cheated on me. I'm sorry, but you know it's over between us just as well as I do. Please stop calling me." Something like that. Otherwise, I agree with gibber. __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

05-29-2003, 07:24 AM	#13 (permalink)
geep Insane Location: Imprisoned in Ecotopia	Sorry to disagree with you HF but... Don't rub her face in it you might need her again someday (funny how life seems to go in circles but it does) If you see her be cordial and HUMAN but protect yourself and your feelings from her because she is not trustworthy enough to let her inside again. Any emotion shown towards her, good or bad leaves you vulnerable. You may be hurt again. Although you may never get over the hurt, my advice is to learn and let go.

05-29-2003, 07:28 AM	#14 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	I probably should have phrased it differently. It's not quite rubbing her face in it, more like pushing the realization that she's already made. Kinda like reinforcing her knowledge that she's made a mistake. Know what I mean? __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

05-29-2003, 08:49 AM	#15 (permalink)
ganon Insane Location: in my head	nothing a shotgun and a drive by can't solve, eh?! You trusted her, and she shit on you. Sounds like she got totally scared and ran away to something more comfortable. I have two feelings on this one, one is to hold her feet to the fire and make her accountable for what she has done, the other is to ditch her, and try in the next relationship to set things up better before you let yourself become totally vulnerable. The next time, let the person know that you have been burned big time, and that the trust is hard to come by, but that you know the new girl isn't the old girl, and that it will happen when the time is right. __________________ "My give up, my give up." - Jar Jar Binks

05-29-2003, 08:54 AM	#16 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	I disagree. <i>Never</i> mention your past relationships, not even indirectly, the way ganon is suggesting. If you tell her you've been hurt before, you're letting it all out again, which is a big no-no. __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

05-29-2003, 10:16 AM	#17 (permalink)
ganon Insane Location: in my head	yeah, i can see that point. I am just such a trusting s.o.b. that i can't help myself. __________________ "My give up, my give up." - Jar Jar Binks

05-29-2003, 01:35 PM	#18 (permalink)
majik_6 narcissist Location: looking in a mirror	I don't have great advice for you, but I can say that I feel for you. After two and a half years, my now ex ended things about two weeks ago. It was expected, but hurt, since She was all I'd known for over 1/6th of my life. She had been one of my two absolute best friends in highschool for about 2 years before we got together and I shared almost everything with her. All I can say is, time will heal it. Know that if she's leaving you for someone else, then she obviously wasn't TOTALLY open with you, and just be thankful (yeah, it's hard) that you didn't make it too far before realizing that. A sign at a local sandwich has the line "love like you've never been hurt" and I think that's VERY true. Be more careful next time, but don't be afraid to put yourself into a relationship, heart, mind and body. Just know what you need to keep yourself happy and sane, and be sure to give yourself the alone time you need to make sure that you're ready for your next relationship and to make sure you know what you need for yourself in a relationship. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that everything improves for you, since you really sound like a genuine, caring individual. __________________ it's all about self-indulgence Last edited by majik_6; 05-29-2003 at 01:44 PM..

05-29-2003, 03:59 PM	#19 (permalink)
308 holez Crazy Location: nowhere near good food	Where ois the girl from when you were 20? You were probably in love then too, but if girl A was still around, then girl B never would have occurred. and C, and D, and so on. Everyone you have contact with can teach you valuable lessons, or break you heart and you can't live with them or without them. Trust me, in 10 yrs, you won't be able to remember this last girl's full name, address, phone number, or the cool thing she did with her tongue. So why wait that long to get over her? the only person guaranteed to be there for you is... you. Appreciate the time with her, recognize the areas you've grown, and promise yourself you won't impose any silly "been hurt before" rules on the next person who shares their heart with you. They don't need to live by rules created because your ex hurt you. Robert DeNiro in the movie Heat had the right idea. Love who you want, but always be prepared to walk away from them. remember, even though your ex is with someone now, chances are your next girlfriend is with someone too! enjoy the time you have, respect the women who share their love with you, and don't choose anyone over your family or close friends. they will be the ones who have to listen to you gaga over the next one, and then console you when it's over. in the meantime, may I recommend some good porn? http://tfproject.org/tfp/showthread....&threadid=7875 __________________ Fark headline: "Kobe's lawyers gain access to text messages sent by accuser soon after the alleged attack. Omg koby frkd me nda assnowi m gona b richlolol1.111.~.11"

05-30-2003, 04:48 AM	#20 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	Go buy a surplus Mauser and go to Delaware State park. The kick on that thing will cause amnesia! Nothing like shooting a big gun to forget your troubles. __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

05-30-2003, 05:54 AM	#21 (permalink)
justadude Upright	to everyone who has posted in this thread THANK YOU. and i mean that sincerely, i'm pretty new to this board and i really thought i was in for some rough responses when i posted (but just wanted to vent regardless) and i have read all of the posts on here a couple of times and i have nothing but respect for everything that has been said and for those of you that have been good enough to try and help. i'm still pretty busted up over it, but it's only been a couple of days. i've talked to my close friends about it, and i've talked to her about it to let her know the absolute sense of betrayal i'm feeling, not only as "boyfriend/girlfriend" but as someone i considered a very good friend long before that... i really don't think she understands (and that hurts too, cause i thought she was the kinda person that would and would have the compassion to admit and help me deal with it)...so i'm trying to get through this thing leaning on the shoulders of my closest friends (and family) it's hurting pretty bad, but i know time will help and reading these posts have made me feel a lot better this morning so again THANK YOU. (at some point, i'll get over this and not be a head case member of the board, so if everyone is patient, at some point i'll try to be a "positive" member of the board)

05-30-2003, 04:37 PM	#22 (permalink)
308 holez Crazy Location: nowhere near good food	you'll be contributing by simply showing what you're feeling. 156 people have read this, and probably learned a bit from your pain. It's all good, man. Remember, if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. __________________ Fark headline: "Kobe's lawyers gain access to text messages sent by accuser soon after the alleged attack. Omg koby frkd me nda assnowi m gona b richlolol1.111.~.11"

05-31-2003, 12:58 AM	#23 (permalink)
OzOz Psycho Location: Right here, right now.	Also, keep yourself busy on other things so that you don't have time to dwell on her. It'll help her fade faster. Hope you can bounce back soon. __________________ Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you wanna keep fighting evil today.

06-06-2003, 09:10 AM	#26 (permalink)
Fallon Junkie Location: RI	Hey man, don't worry about being a headcase, been there. In my situation, the girl did almost all of what happened to you, except the holiday thing. Turns out, she stopped liking me a week or two earlier, but she didn't want to hurt me because it was close to valentines day. Long story short, heart ripped out day before valentines day. So, since I've had a stigma about it. But anywho. I relied totally on my friends, online and offline. My friends online probably know more about me then any of my real life friends. Like someone said, eventually, anger will set in about what has been done to you, and that's a good sign. Don't be angry with yourself though, from what I've been able to read about your situation you never did anything wrong. Took me quite awhile to figure that out myself in my situation. It doesn't seem like it can be true, but it is. Advice for you now after about a week is try to go out into a social setting, like a mall, and start trying to enjoy life again.

06-06-2003, 01:30 PM	#28 (permalink)
Sparhawk Dubya Location: VA	You farted while she was going down on you, admit it. /kevin smith reference If there's a man alive who hasn't lived through a close approximation of what you just went through, then (he's a lucky bastard and I hate him) he hasn't lived an experienced life, a life worthy of being called a life. You are absolutely on the right track by turning to family and friends at this point. Good on ya, you seem to be on the right track. __________________ "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."

06-06-2003, 09:10 PM	#29 (permalink)
justadude Upright	it's been almost a week and i can't say things are a whole lot better, i still think about her a million times a day, but i've gone a week now without saying a word to her (other than a polite "hi" cause we work together)...but the feelings are still there pretty strong. some days it's the sex and "close time" i miss, and others it's just having her around to talk to and laugh with. i'm really hate life when i put myself through the wringer of thinking about it (i'm a pretty "reflective" person, so i do a lot of thinking when i'm alone, which now happens to be a lot) the work thing is killing me, cause i'm not doing my job the way i should be cause i know she's sitting right down the hall, and if i wanted to i could go and talk to her, but a very good friend of mine at work keeps reminding me that she's not going to say what i want to hear... these are the times i wish i drank, cause i'd like to just numb my feelings for a couple of weeks (even though i know that's not the best way to handle it). all the shitty hours i've spent in the last week thinking about her are starting to add up and i'm exhausted... (rant, rave, babble...just gotta get it out. thanks for listening, and again for the advice and understanding words so far...)

06-06-2003, 10:37 PM	#30 (permalink)
KeyserSoze Psycho Location: Lost Angeles	Dude, You knew eachother for less then 2 years, but I know how it feels to have your FUKIN GUT RIPPED AND HANDED to ya. My ex and I dated for 31/2 years, she had a 16 month old when we started dating that I fell head over heels for. I paid her rent, bought her a car, took care of Anne when she needed time alone and was completely,deeply,madly, head over heels for her and her daughter. The night before I was to propose to her she said she was going to the movies with a girlfriend and I went out with my buddy. Gil and I were walking down the street headed to a pool hall and as I look across the street I see my boss coming out of a restaurant with her, she is all over him.........my heart fukin sank like a rock. It took 3 years to get over her and during that time she would still let me see her daughter(I loved that child) We have become friends but I will never forget the feelings I felt for those three years, it was a pain I thought would never go away. Writing this brings it back a little but whatever you do, know that it will go away and your life will continue. Don't harbor a resentment or hatred it only prolongs the pain. Good luck my friend __________________ THERE IS NO KEYSER SOZE!!

06-06-2003, 10:41 PM	#31 (permalink)
KeyserSoze Psycho Location: Lost Angeles	Ps. A little tip an old timer taught me. Get yourself a little notepad, and each time you have a thought about her, write it down crumple it up and throw it away. I must have went through 200 notepads in my day __________________ THERE IS NO KEYSER SOZE!!

06-06-2003, 11:20 PM	#32 (permalink)
madsenj37 Still searching... Location: NorCal For Life	This happened to me. I was 19, she was 21-2ish. She gave me the Im not looking for a relationship spiel. I guess I was just a month too early cause she started dating my friend after that. Shit happens. You need time for yourself, time away from her. It hurts and it will hurt more. In the long run though, its a good learning experience. Becoming good friends witha girl first is not the best path to take. __________________ "Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the universe." -- Albert Einstein

06-07-2003, 07:34 AM	#33 (permalink)
BoCo Fear the bunny Location: Hanging off the tip of the Right Wing	Welcome to the club, buddy. I have no advice for you since I continue to make the same mistakes as every other guy out there. __________________ Activism is a way for useless people to feel important.

06-07-2003, 08:22 AM	#34 (permalink)
Tom Thumb Crazy Location: In a self portrait	They say a broken heart is like a bad stomachache. Hurts like hell for a couple months but goes away when you stop paying attention. So you'll have to give it time. I think the important thing is to look back on it positively after you're over it. __________________ My name is marketing. Now buy my product.

06-08-2003, 12:58 PM	#36 (permalink)
justadude Upright	just finished talking with the "ex"...and what an eye opening conversation... a whole lot of "you act like your 16, i can't stand to talk to you anymore, can't you be more professional, i wish i had have ended this when i wanted to (3 months ago apparently...but of course i guilt tripped her into staying...cough cough BULLSHIT!) and blah, blah, blah..." all i had to say to her was if tearing me down made her feel better then she was on the right track. i told her i still have feelings for her and they wouldn't change, but that hearing her say those things i'd definitely try to push them a lot deeper down than i was hoping too... we talked and i tried to explain that i might be handling this poorly in her eyes and that i wasn't overly impressed with myself either, but it is the way i'm dealing with it and i am having a hard time doing it any other way (get all weird when i see her at work, wanna talk to her but can't without breaking down, etc...) and i also told her, that i'm at the point that i don't really care what she thinks about how she sees my "dealing strategy" cause if i try to take that into account, i'll be in the funny farm!!! so for today... *$%^ her! she's up there on her pedestal judging me and i'm not in any state to defend it, so if she doesn't like it she can $%^& herself! at the end of our conversation, she apologized for saying things and being too harsh and lashing out with things she didn't mean to say, but i believe that a lot of things said in anger are true feelings that are just looking for a place to come out...so i'm putting them in my back pocket to help me get over her and through this mess... (another venting brought to you by the #$%^ed up situation my life has turned into!! thanks for having a forum to let it out!)