strcrssd

Well, today my girlfriend and I were relaxing in the tub and she asked me what I was thinking about.

The only problem is, that I was thinking about being in the same situation with her and a mutual friend. As I have promised her (and her me) not to lie, I mentioned that she "probably didn't want to know". She insisted, and I told her.

This led to a long discussion about the situation. She loves me, and I don't know where I stand with her. I've never experienced love, I don't think. I honestly don't know what it feels like. I know that some describe it as "putting the other's life before your own", but I don't know if I could ever do that (I'm being honest).

Anyway, it all boils down to that I like this mutual friend (more her friend than mine) physically, and somewhat mentally (I don't know her that well). My girlfriend has given me her reluctant permission to go out with her, and, if it comes down to it, have sex with her.

I'm not looking for "whoo hoo!" or "that's a truely terrible idea", as I know it is in fact both...however, I am looking for any advice anyone is willing to offer on the situation. I don't want to break up with my girlfriend (and we're not broken up), and at the same time I want to be honest with our mutual friend, while still giving her a chance.

I haven't really experienced many relationships, and because of it I'm somewhat afraid that I don't know how good I have it with my girlfriend, but I do know that I'm still attracted to other women (and my girl).

Anyone have any intelligent comments?

__________________
"I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones." -- John Cage (1912 - 1992)

shyguy

She probably isn't cool with it at all. Don't go out with the other girl unless you break it off with your current one. Otherwise you probably leave her at home crying the whole time while you're out having fun. Don't be a jerk like that. Having permission doesn't mean she said it's OK, especially when you used the word "reluctantly" and that she loves you.

If you want a change, that's fine, but don't do it while stringing the current girl along or you're just going to hurt her more than ending it would do.

DelayedReaction

The fact that your girlfriend is willing to let you go is a pretty major indication of how much she loves you. I wouldn't lose that for anything.

Your mutual friend will be there in the future, or at least she will be if things were meant to work out. Don't ruin what you've got with your girlfriend. Tell her that you appreciate her giving you permission, but that you wouldn't want to hurt her for the possibility of something else. If you're honest and forthcoming about it, and alleviate any fears she may have about you doing things with your mutual friend behind your back, I suspect your relationship will grow stronger.

And keep up that honesty stuff.

__________________
If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm.

little_tippler

I agree that's a pretty good sign.

It's a shame you don't feel the same about her. Or are you just not sure? I haven't heard you say anything here about what your relationship with her is like. Of course you can tell if you have it good. Only you can say. What's right for one person isn't right for another. Are you happy? Do you have pretty much everything you could hope for in her? Is she good for you and are you good for her? What do you feel for her, if not love? Tenderness, friendship?

I think you need to identify where you stand with her first, before you go, still confused, and have fun with her friend. That's running away from one problem and into another. Otherwise you may find yourself in the state of that old saying, "you don't know what you've got till it's gone".

I also suspect that your girlfriend needs you to give her some reassurance, which I imagine is well deserved - a person can't go on forever in a one-sided relationship.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

FrostSabre

since i don't know your girlfriend, it's hard to say whether the, "go ahead" is mindgames or actually her showing her true love for you by letting you go. regardless, i would offer up that it's not uncommon for a guy to just randomly think of something in that kind of situation if nothing sexual is going on. if you truly were just relaxing in the tub then it's not unexpected that your mind might wander to what else could be happening at that same point if it were someone else.

I would take some time to reflect on how you feel about both your girlfriend and the mutual friend and try to find out if there is actually a weakness in your relationship, and if that is the case, what can be done about it. compared to my own personal experience, I would not have been able to survive such a conversation in more than one piece, so at the very least, consider yourself lucky to have a very understanding girlfriend who can understand what the concept of mutual honesty means.

avhg1

You should think of the old saying a bird in hand is worth two in the bush or the grass is greener on the other side, blah blah blah..

Anyway, my point is that you should make one of two choices, stick with the wonderful girl who obviously loves you or cut it off and go after the friend. If you string her out, you are likely to cause her a great deal of anxiety and pain, that she doesn't deserve.

__________________
I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

daneo

Well, going out with that mutual friend while you're still with your girlfriend is a pretty bastardly thing to do. I don't think that the mutual friend would be okay with it either. But again, if you don't like your girlfriend you probably shouldn't be with her anyhow...

Locs

Have them BOTH at the same time!!!!!

Ok seriously then...if you are NOT happy, you really need to reconsider your relationship. Remember (and I say this a lot) If YOU are not happy, you cannot make ANYONE else happy.

You dont have to listen to society either. If you truely like her friend, and think its something worth pursuing, do it. "Thats not right, blah blah blah" ...dont listen to that. But also keep in mind, you can be losing both if it doesnt go well.

And last but not least, your g/f said its ok for you to go out with her? Hmmmm. I have had some girls do crazy things for me, but that IMO just sounds like a trap to me. And sadly, even IF you dont go out with her friend, from here on out she will be wondering what friend of hers you will want next. It will ALWAYS be in the back of her mind. And it will ALWAYS be a negative against you.

I respect your honesty, as I am the same way, but its a catch 22. Tell your girl the truth that they ask for all the time, and its just like the movies "YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!". Damned if you do damned if you dont.

denim

Don't do this. Since she's not into it, tell your girl you've realized it's a fantasy of the sort that's not meant to actually happen. She insisted you tell her what you were thinking after your warned her. Mistake! Maybe she'll learn.

water_boy1999

I see two scenarios.

1) Your girlfriend has a very high sense of self esteem, doesn't care who you go out with because that just means there are open doors for her to do the same with one of YOUR friends.

2) Your girlfriend has a very low sense of self esteem and is willing to let you do anything to keep you around.

Perhaps I don't know enough to form an opinion.

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

Locs

I would love an update to this....hehe I have been thinking of this story since yesterday.

kollege_gal2000

I do not think your g/f is trying to trick you. You mentioned that she loves you. I think she is just trying to allow you the opportunity to find out exactly how you feel.

You said that you don't know how you feel because you have never been in love and don't know what love is.

If you are going to go through with it, I would advise you not to sleep with the other girl until you know for a fact that it's over with your current g/f. I think once you sleep with the mutual friend you will lose your g/f.

I also agree, if you persue this thought of the mutual friend, that you should take time off from your current g/f. Maybe you just need sometime alone to sort through your thoughts and figure out how you really feel towards her. You never said how much time you spend with her or how close you two are.

Best of luck in your situation, I KNOW it's incredibly hard to figure out.

__________________
I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

Dane Bramage

hrm... seems to me that the grass is always greener on the other side. you are attracted to this person because she is not who you are with right now. you only see the positive aspects of going out with her and none of the negetive aspects of your current relationship.

imo: you are with the person or you are not. I have never been a "date multiple people" kinda guy, so I am a bad judge of this area. But dating multiple people is different from your situation. Someone that "dates" would never claim to have a girlfriend. By definition, that changes the aspect of the relationship to a new level and carries a bit of commitment the implies manogamy. I know there are swingers on this forum that would argue with me, but I don't think this is the same stiuation.

Bottom line... if you feel terrible about it, then don't do it. You are your own person and can make your own decisions. I know I try not to do things that make me feel bad.

Or... you can think about it this way... how would you feel if she did it to you? What if she said... "Honey, I really think your buddy is a real hottie. You wouldn't mind if I went out with him would you?" If it kills you to think about her doing it, then it is probably killing her thinking about you doing it.

__________________
Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan

fibber

That'll teach you to tell the truth.

KinkyKiwi

hahaha..

yes. please think about it that way

but really, it isnt fair to drag her along if you don't love her back.
ether break up with her and move on or stay with her and give her the same respect and love that she offers you.

__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

strcrssd

An update:

We've (together) essentially identified two scenarios:

1) Take a break from each other for a while, possibly dating other people, possibly not.
2) Stay together.

This is about it, as far as our (and all that we've consulted) views.

I'm still not sure about which way to go, and it sucks

...

__________________
"I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones." -- John Cage (1912 - 1992)

shakran

I disagree. It means she feels as though she must hold on to you, even if it means giving you permission to be a complete horse's ass. Don't be a horse's ass and tell her you'd never act on your fantasy.

timbuk2

Sex is an animal instinct. Love is an opinion. Control them both if you can.

-tb2

kollege_gal2000

I'm very sorry! When I first posted my boyfriend said I could post to his thread, however, I thought he meant to post as if I'm anybody else.

It came to my attention that he thought it was the rudest thing.

I am here to let everyone know that I am the g/f. I was not trying to be rude. I thought that I was suppose to post like everyone else.

If anyone is offended again, I offer my deepest apology.

__________________
I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

Locs

Gah...this just got interesting. Judging by your screen name, and since your from Edinburg, (I am in McAllen), I take it you go to UTPA? So I guess this is more of a college crush? Maybe a college fling?

It seems you "both" might need to take a break, dating or not. I do not know anyone personally that has made it through college with the same g/f - b/f they started with. (Me included). Just seems its a time to experiment, find out who YOU are, find out where YOU are going in life.

So if you are the g/f, how do you REALLY feel about him wanting to date your friend?

kollege_gal2000

Neither one of us dates for the heck of dating. When we first got together that was the first thing we discussed. Neither one of us are wanting flings, and that's not what this is.

Now you ask how I truely feel about this. No girl in their right mind wants their boyfriend dating other people, especially friends that they've had for what five years now.

A while back, I learned a hard lesson, and that lesson was what love really was. (for me anyways) Going into this relationship, knowing it wasn't a fling and would not be treated like one (hence the honesty between us), I fell in love.

The whole reason for the situation and the frustration is because I know what love is (for me). My b/f does not. He cares very much for me. He really likes me, but he does not know exactly what he feels. He doesn't know what love is (for him).

Because I love him, and because I respect him so much, I said he could go out with my friend if that was what he felt he needed to truely do for him, for us. I am not the kind of girl that refuses to understand. I understand where he is coming from, and I respect it. All of us have already gone through this, or will go through this sometime in life.

Yes I love him, and yes I want to be with him. But that doesn't mean that I don't understand. I Do Understand.

If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask us both. We will try to answer the best we can.

__________________
I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

denim

Nevermind, this is what happens when I post w/o my meds.

Grumbling*Girl

.......ouch, ouch.....

I have quite a few friends that have open relationships, its all good, its whatever works for you guys - What awesome communication between you guys the fact you can talk about everything honestly is such a huge part of it. I hope everything works out for you both

little_tippler

I suppose I'd be less understanding...he doesn't know what love is? I don't really know what that means. When you are in love, you just know. It's not something you can be taught or read in a book. You just are, or not. Being in love I'd say is when you put the other person first in your priorities, or at least try to as much as possible. And also when you will go to great lengths to stay with them, regardless of looks, brains, etc. It's also a form of love, kollege_gal2000, when you say you understand and will let him go to find out for himself what he wants, because you are putting his happiness and well-being above your own. It must be heart-wrenching.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918