klep

hello.

i'm in some serious relationship help as i've not a clue as to what to do. PLease help. This is the story.

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years and a couple of months. We've been together since we were 15. We're both off to uni in 2 weeks. I'm going about as south easterly in england as is possible. She'll be going north a bit from where we already live. I'll be far closer to france than i will be to her. We're atleast a 5 hour train journey away (with quite a few changes). She's also doing an art course which can be quite intensive.

Recently she's told me she doesn't know how she feels about me anymore. she says she's confused about our relationship. She says alot of the time nowadays she doesn't really fancy me, and thinks of me as more of a friend and just wants to hang out. The rest of the time she feels just the same about me and wants things to be like they were before all this came about. She doesn't know why she is suddenly getting these feelings. One possible explanation she gave was that she has always been told the pill can mess with hormones. She says maybe it's messing with them and making her less horny (which she has been recently) which making her fancy me less and just leaving her feelings of friendship and whatever behind. she just wants to hug alot and cuddle and whatever. Be close and affectionate but no sex. Whereas before she would have come over to my house and we'd have lazed around on the bed, watched a movie or a few episodes, had sex a cpouple of times and chatted, now she wants to go out and do things like go to the cinema and the zoo and restaurants.

She wants to wait till we get to uni and see how she feels. She says she doesnt want to throw what we have away just because currently she's a little bit confused and unsure.

I had a very similar thing quite ahwile ago. I began thinking i didnt want to be with her when we went to uni. That i wanted a clean break. The reason? I'll be honest. My current girlfriend is my only girlfriend. I'm 18 and i was getting restless for other girls. I wanted to experience other girls and to not have ties to anyone. To have to visit anyone regularly or whatever. I told her about this but i worked through it and now i want to stay with her more than ever. I dont give a shit about other girls, all i want is her. I'm happy to do the 5 hour train ride to her uni evry 2 or 3 weeks.

I think that the reason she is seeing me more as a friend and acting with me more as a friend is because she is preparing to break up whilst at uni. She'll be going to a place where there's 1000s of new guys to talk to and, whilst this may sound like childish boasting on my part, the guys will be wanting to talk to her because she's incredibly attractive. Whilst i dont think she'd do anythigni with anyone whilst with me, i think the doubt she is having about us could be due to the possibility of meeting so many more people and because it is undeniably going to be hard work to kep the realtionship going.


She seems to think it will be harder work than i do. I think 1 phone call a week, a few chats over MSN a week and the odd email each week will be compltely doable and then a meet every 3 weeks or so but she thinks finding the time even for that will be hard.



Anyway. If anyone is still following this (you have the patience of a saint) i just want some advice. Any advice really. Anyone gone through a similar thing? Anyone have an insight in to what she may be feeling and why? Any idea what i should do? currently i'm just going with the flow, doing the things she wants (going to the zoo, own, restaurants etc). Just throw in your 2 cents.

Cheers.

Klep

PS, i feel very concious of the fact that being as i am 18 i will be quite young compared to some of the people here and will be open to responses of "highschool romance. in 2 weeks you wont remember her name" type replies. I'd just like to say that i feel that i do love this girl and i feel that after 3 years together, sharing your first times together and other feelings and thoughts you've shared with no one else, the "you're too young to know what love feels like" saying is totally untrue.

maleficent

She wants to be the one controlling the relationship, if that's OK with you, then have at it - -but relationships are a two way street, eventually you'd get pretty peeved with always giving in to her.

She wants to wait until she gets to school to decide what she wants. Why? Does she want to check out the beefcake in school? Doesn't want to throw you away until she thinks she can get something better?

Though to defend her, I can somewhat understand where she's coming from, you are both about to embark on your first steps to adulthood, it can be terrifying and also exciting, she may want a fresh start -- because you don't know what will happen.

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livingfossil

Klep,

I am gonna say it's time for a clean break. The university will be an immense change for both of you, so it is fitting to start anew. This is not because it is a 'highschool' romance, or anything else like that, but simply because, as you have said, and as she is likely feeling, though she has not said, you are both young and wanting to have more 'experience' with other partners. By this I mean personal, spiritual, sexual, &c.

There is always the possibility of an open relationship. But since you wouldn't be seeing each other that often anyway, it would basically be a friendship. And, remaining friends may be better than remaining lovers. You can always get back together after an abysmally lonely year at the university, if that is what comes to pass. And if not, then you have prevented a nasty breakup.

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Never anything witty.

duxx0r

Klep,

Unfortunately, I dont like your chances of continuing the relationship once you guys move. The way your girlfriend is acting, I think its only a matter of time before she breaks it off. I tend to agree with maleficent in regards to her checking out whats available before ending things, so I wouldnt bother waiting for the inevitable.

In saying this, it would be a shame to lose such a close friend, so I would recommend doing your best to keep it as strong as possible. Who knows, anything could happen in the coming years.

lurkette

If you had a solid relationship to which you were both committed 100%, I'd say you could make the distance work. However, given the situation, I'd say it's time to break it off and go explore. If you happen to find each other later and reconnect, great! But you're going in different directions, and you both have some ambivalence about the relationship. Don't try to cling to it just because it's familiar - part as friends and go experience life!

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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DaElf

When I was 18 ( 3 years ago) I had a similar situation with a girl I had been dating for two years. We ended up having a long distance relationship as you speak of. But unfortunetly from past experiance and what I have personally witnessed. Winning the lottery shows more promise than long distance relationships (at girlfreind status.) IF there is a common interest to stay together, do it then. But if she is zig zagging around the conversation and does not seem to want to put in any 'real' effort in to figuring a way to stay together out. I would make a final decision based on her actions. And when you do make that final decision. Let her know exactly how you feel. If it is bad.
Just remember the magical lesson of the bandaid. When you make the final desicion to pull it off. Just PULL IT OFF. Taking that protective layer off one hair at a time is more torture than need be.

Meier_Link

Talk to her in earnest about what you want to do and what she wants. You may find that if you do agree to break it off, it won't be long before she has misgivings about it and wants you back. Even if you do break up, stay in touch and don't act like the jealous boyfriend. Besides, it might do you good to experience some other girls...

pinfold420

It sounds like she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. She also may be worried about being hurt by you. Long distance relationships are always hard and espicially in your case. I would give her the space she obviously needs right now and go have a good time. Just stay in touch.

thebellman

Well I've had good and bad experiences with this. My first girlfriend, who I started dating when I was 16 got upset when i went away to school, and I only went about 2 hours away. She couldn't stand the fact that I was talking to other girls, and that I wouldn't talk to her every free minute I had, and we ended up breaking up. But then a couple of months later, I started talking to me current girl more and more on the phone (I went to high school with her, but didn't know her all that well) and eventually just by talking on the phone I really got to know her and now we've been going out for almost a year.
So it really depends on how dedicated you are/want to be to the relationship. It seems like even though you've been with her for 3 years, you're not really that interested anymore, and if that's the case, then you should cut it off ASAP. But just so you know, the long distance thing can work if you really want it to, and she does too, and everything can turn up alright.

klep

well it's 3 weeks or so since i first posted this. I've been at uni 5 days. She ended it with me yesterday. I dont think i'll ever get her back even though i trully, truly do want it to happen. I balled my eyes out over the phone to my sister for 40 minutes and felt better. Then i got a phone call from my mum (y sister had told her she was worried about me and to phone me) and managed not to cry on that conversation. Talking about it has helped but. i dont know how to move on. i dont know if i want to move on. It's only her feelings that have changed, not mine. i still love her just as much as i did before all this happened. all i want to do is lie down on a bed whilst holding her and fall alseep the way we used to.

so, can anyone recommend anything for this. currently when i think of her with anyone else i feel sick and want to seriously physically harm the person i imagine her with (even though he hasnt done anything wrong as i guess she is single now). i still love her just as much so does anyone have any suggestions for how to move on or diminish these feelings?

boy am i depressed.

timalkin

Hey man, I was in your shoes just a few months ago. I'm standing on the other side of most of the pain, and I can tell you that I'm still alive. It won't be easy, but as you've probably heard a hundred times, time will heal everything enough to where you won't think about it every second of every day. It would kill me if I heard about my ex-girlfriend dating someone else, so that's why I've completely severed all contact with her or anybody that is still in touch with her. I hope I can take my last breath, never knowing that she found somebody else.

Do all of the crying and hard thinking that you need, there's no shame in it. Just realize that you will naturally move on, even though you don't want to. That's the fucked up human nature that resides in all of us. I hate it, but I also am grateful for it. Good luck.

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Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

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Redgirl

Awww... I'm really sorry klep. I'm afraid there's no cure for a broken heart. You should just try to focus on yourself and school and making new friends. I know you love her and maybe she will also realize that she loves you, too once she has some freedom and sees the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.
You might also meet someone you can love, keep your eyes open!

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

klep

so it seems to me everyone is saying time will make me feel better. she says i'm her best friend though and she wants to stay friends. i get the feeling this isnt possible. but the thing is, she's my best friend too so obviously i dont want to lose her. this is so thoroughly confusing. some people say its possible to stay friends, others say that you shoudl sever contact but i dont think i can actually sever contact. the idea of severing contact is just mad to me. Like ive said (i know im sounding like a broken record) my feelings for her havent changed. I still love her. so severing contact is like severing contact from the person i love and its just really really hard.


Hmmm. guess ive got a lot of thinking to do. i want to text her now and ask her what shes been doing all day and how she is but i guess that isnt a healthy way to move on.

I think the first thing i have to do is come to terms with the fact i have to move on. i dont think i really believe she has split with me. i cant not think she may get back with me. oh man. this is messed up.


I'd just like to thank everyone in this thread that has replied. everything is very helpful and i appreciate you imparting your advice very much.

pig

hmmmm...I just read this, and I guess that the question of whether or not y'all are going to break up is a moot point. At this point, I (personally) would be prepared to give yourself some time, and to tell your ex that you need some time to adjust. If you still love her, and she's decided she's trying to move on, then the contact is going to make it harder. I might try to talk it out/patch things up for a short period of time, but if it ain't working, then there comes a point to kill contact for a while. You can resume contact later after you've had time to heal and (hopefully) explore a relationship.....actually, screw that. What I think you need is some good, old-fashioned fast and loose college sex. Always helps with a hang-over of the broken heart. I wouldn't burn the bridge with your ex-girlfriend, but I wouldn't remain in a defacto relationship that's only going to result in your feeling hurt and used, with the heartache never receding.

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macmanmike6100

I'd say a clean break, if only because it really does look like she's keeping you around for the convenience, at this point in her life. If it's true love, you'll find your way back together. For now, I think it's time to explore your horizons.

Good luck.